Title: All I want for Christmas

For: LycheeJelly

Pairing: Sungjong/Myungsoo

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Bells for you and me

 

Maybe we’ll never have church bells ringing on our wedding day, no mistletoes under which we can kiss. But we will still have Christmas and each other. What more can I possibly want?

“Sungjongie,” Myungsoo called loudly from his room.

Sprawled on his bed, the maknae of INFINITE was busy watching cat videos on his laptop, laughing heartily at how stupid the videos were and how they seemed to have tonnes of views, clicking away at one video after another.

He could discern Myungsoo’s voice above the purrs and mewls of the happy kittens on his screen but he had no wish to get up from his warm bed. He had the day off since it was the day before Christmas. In the morning, he had had his favourite cereal and right after, he had gone back to his bed, planning to do nothing but relax the whole day. Sunggyu had mentioned something about cooking them a Christmas Eve meal, but Sungjong had no plans of being the good maknae and offering to help the elder. He hadn’t asked for help either, not directly anyway; but publicly announcing that he was going to cook a large meal all by himself was a desperate cry for attention and help. Sungjong however was not playing into his hands.

Let him work for a change – he had decided.

With his eyes locked on the screen, he let out a half-hearted, “Yes hyung?”

With Myungsoo, he was never completely rude. He felt bad for his hyung though, he deserved better, because out of all the members, he was the only one who wasn’t out to get him. If this had been Woohyun or Sungyeol, he wouldn’t have bothered answering before they had shouted themselves hoarse.

“Sungjongie, get dressed quickly, we’re going out, baby!”

Fumbling with his laptop, he hurriedly put the video on pause. Once the howls of the cats had died down, he laid very still, his ears pounding with the sound of his heartbeats. He felt a shiver in his stomach. Did he really just hear that? Did Myungsoo just call him ‘baby’?

Did he meant baby as in the maknae or baby as in…

Offering to go out was not strange for Myungsoo, he did that a lot. The man craved company. They went out almost every night for udon and other snacks. But what would make him say ‘baby’, why would he suddenly add that very word at the end of his sentence?

Or maybe Sungjong had just misheard it.

“What did you say?” he shouted back, straining his ear to pick up every word this time.

“I said, get out of your bed, we’re going shopping.”

The next moment, Myungsoo had inaved his room and personal space, hovering closely over him, pulling his laptop away from his chest. Swinging his legs on either side of him, Myungsoo grabbed his wrists and started tugging at them, trying to get him to sit up.

Sungjong could have resisted – he was stronger than he looked – but for some reason, he didn’t have the heart for it.

“Alright, alright, I’m up. But why do we have to go shopping today? It will be packed. Christmas Eve, remember?” he grumbled, fixing his bedraggled hair.

“Yes I do remember, thank you. But that’s the fun of it. When did you last go shopping on Christmas Eve?” There was enthusiasm in the elder’s eyes as he watched intensely while Sungjong pulled off his sweatshirt.

“There’s nothing I want to buy,” Sungjong replied, looking at his rack of clothes for something to wear. Scanning through the expensive items, he settled on a simple white jumper. Only when he had put it on did he realise that Myungsoo was wearing something similar to him. It puzzled him because Kim Myungsoo was wearing something other than black, and it embarrassed him because…it sort of looked like they were wearing couple clothes.

Couple jumpers, how sweet; the fans will have a field day if they see us, he thought bitterly as he smoothed out the front of the jumper.

“Really? Even if I said it’s all on me?” Myungsoo enquired from behind him as he wriggled into his jeans. His hand paused over the button of his jeans.

“You’re kidding, right?” he asked incredulously.

The elder had always been generous, more so when he was drunk, but he had never actually offered to buy Sungjong anything, like anything. All the members knew how much Sungjong liked to buy clothes and accessories. Taking Sungjong out shopping meant sacrificing a generous portion of your income for the month.

“Anything and everything you want, you can have anything,” Myungsoo repeated earnestly with a huge catlike smile on his face like he had just announced that Christmas was on.

Placing his hands on his hips, Sungjong rounded on his hyung, ready to straighten some things out.

“Let me get this straight, you’re willing to spend a month’s earning on me?” he challenged the elder.

Myungsoo raised an eyebrow, but the smile never left his face.

“My life’s savings, if that’s what it takes to satisfy you.”

“You’re joking,” the maknae accused, not too kindly.

“I swear! It’s Christmas, consider this as a parting gift.” Myungsoo smiled broadly at him.

“Parting gift?”

The elder looked embarrassed as he glanced down.

“I meant Christmas present.”

After that, the maknae didn’t need any more persuasion. He was happy to take full advantage of the situation – there was that red Gucci jacket he had been eyeing for some time now, flirting with the idea of spending $3000 on one piece of clothing. Now that Myungsoo was the one emptying out his wallet, he would have no qualms about getting it. After all, it was obvious that the visual was the highest earner in the group; it wouldn’t really harm his bank balance.

When they reached the shopping mall, Myungsoo offered to get some coffees before they started on their shopping spree. Sungjong however insisted on getting his jacket first; truth was, he wanted to check out if the older man was simply pulling his tail or if he was serious about this whole Christmas charity thing. To his surprise and utter delight, Myungsoo didn’t even raise an eyebrow at the price tag and calmly extended his credit card, not frowning or groaning or grumbling whatsoever.

When the bubbly sensation in his stomach had died down a bit on their way to the café on the second floor, he started to feel suspicious. Something seemed off. This just didn’t go with Myungsoo’s personality and even though he was all smiles, joking about little things, there was a thin sheet of perceptible sadness around him. He could be imagining it, but it was more than a hunch, it was more of an intuition, and Sungjong had almost never been wrong about his intuition.

Sitting down in a private booth with their coffees, they started to talk about plans for Christmas. Myungsoo usually visited his parents but he announced that he wasn’t feeling like doing so this time, which of course surprised Sungjong to no ends. The elder, feeling chatty, talked about how he was relieved because he had just wrapped up his drama filming and had nothing to do for some time.

“We have to practice for the subunit debut,” the younger reminded him but he only shrugged. Sungjong didn’t miss the apologetic frown between his eyebrows.

There was a lull in the conversation and Sungjong found his hyung staring at him deeply.

“What?” he asked, his hands moving automatically to his face and hair, checking if something was wrong.

Myungsoo chuckled, shaking his head.

“I’ll miss you when I leave,” he said sadly, turning his head to the side.

Sungjong thought he’d heard him wrong.

“What did you say?” he almost cried, biting his lips when he realised there were people around them.

“I said I’m going to leave INFINITE.”

The younger couldn’t deny he had heard right this time. The blood in his veins immediately froze.

“Is this is a joke? I swear if this is a prank you’re pulling on me just to make me cry-”

Myungsoo turned to face him, his expression concerned. Leaning forward, he took Sungjong’s hand in his, rubbing his fingers across the back of his palm.

“Don’t cry Sungjong, please. It’s not a joke, I swear.”

Sungjong snatched away his hand from Myungsoo’s grip.

“Like that’s supposed to make me feel better,” he stated viciously.

He was going to take a swing at his hyung, a habit for when the members piss him off, but he controlled himself at the last moment. There were people around them and he was not going to make a scene.

“You’re going to be a solo act?”

Pressing his lips together, the elder said, “I don’t know yet. Maybe…but I have to leave the company, everything...”

Sungjong’s eyes flashed with anger.

“This is how far our bond goes, this is the INFINITE you said was your oxygen?” he asked, hot tears threatening to burst out of his eyes. The anger he was feeling was unmeasured. It was sizzling, like boiling lava, on the verge of pouring out and destroying everything.

“Trust me,” Myungsoo sighed, a lot more calmly that he had expected him to, “you guys will want me gone.”

“Never!” the younger exclaimed, slamming his fist on the table. He heard his knuckles crackle as he tightened his fingers.

“What if I say I’m in love with a member?” His eyes were intense, no lightness of a joke there.

Sungjong’s fingers immediately came to life, involuntarily drumming on the marble table top. It was a sign of nervousness and stress; it kind of helped him to prepare for a strenuous news.

 “A m-member? Like a member of INFINITE?” he asked cautiously, as if he was prodding a lion with a feather, his eyes narrowed in concentration to not blow this up.

At times, his hyung could be violent. Myungsoo was known for sudden onsets of rage or any other emotion, including depression, so much so that he sometimes thought that the elder might be bipolar. He seriously didn’t want to awaken the dormant dragon, not here in public anyways. They had an image to uphold as idols, they should be at least considerate for the fans who loved them and looked up to them.

Myungsoo’s eyes were downcast. He was fidgeting with the paper coaster in front of him. Sungjong knew that he was deciding whether to confide in him or not. This was obviously a big deal for him, and maybe he had brought Sungjong along today so that he could talk to him freely about it. But now that they were here, amidst people, maybe he was having second thoughts.

Sungjong didn’t know what to do in a situation like this; he had never been in a place like this before. Whether he should encourage him or choose not to push him, how he should react, what he should say – they were all difficult decisions to make. He didn’t want to tick the elder off in public, but then again, he didn’t want to give him a false response, knowing when they were back to the dorm, he wouldn’t be able to hold it in.

Finally, after five minutes of tense silence, Myungsoo whispered, “Yes.”

Breathing out the breath he was holding, Sungjong his lips with his tongue, an attempt to buy himself some time to decide how to respond to that. The elder had raised his head, in the hopes of watching his reaction. Sungjong quickly tried to arrange his expression into a look of happy curiosity but too late – Myungsoo looked disappointed.

What had he seen on his face?

Fear, rejection, disgust?

Sungjong’s heartbeat sped up as he tried to decide what he was actually feeling. Maybe it was a mixture of every emotion imaginable, or maybe it was plain fear. Maybe he was just hoping, frantically, ‘anyone but me’. He couldn’t even begin to think how complicated it would be if indeed Myungsoo was in love with him…

Chuckling nervously while trying to calm his increasingly steeper breathing rate, he said, “I suppose you’re not going to tell me who it-”

“It’s you.”

“Damn hyung, I didn’t want to know that!”

Cold sweat broke out on his forehead and his right leg jerked and hit the leg of the table. Myungsoo looked surprised as Sungjong buried his face in his hands, letting out a muffled sob. Truth was, the moment Myungsoo had mentioned an INFINITE member, a part of him had known it was him. He wasn’t sure exactly what had led him to assume it, but he had just known – it had popped in his head immediately, and even as he prayed frantically so that it wouldn’t be him, the game was lost from the very beginning.

“I-I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…” Myungsoo mumbled apologetically, looking at Sungjong with watery eyes.

“No, I’m sorry,” the younger replied quietly.

He wasn’t sure why he had burst how, why he had to be the first one to show his ugly side to Myungsoo. It just wasn’t fair. Myungsoo separated him from the rest of the members, sprung the information on him – he was taken by surprise. It wasn’t fair.

“Let’s just go back,” Myungsoo said, picking up his coffee and getting to his feet. “We’ll pretend I didn’t say anything, okay?”

Sungjong took a moment to think. Rising to his feet, he said, “No, you said we’ll spend the day shopping. We will do that.”

The elder looked at him with surprise but he only shook his head. It wasn’t right for him to treat Myungsoo like that, like he had some kind of awful disease and spend the rest of the days ignoring his existence. He was shocked of course that Myungsoo would say or do something like that but he couldn’t throw away all the happy memories they had shared, all the tears they shared. It would be poor repayment for the elder’s kindness towards him. No matter how disappointed he was, how scared he was, for INFINITE’s future and his, he wasn’t ready to break off this bridge.

Things might not remain exactly the same between them, but he would hold onto the very last speck.

Watching Myungsoo stand still with jaws slackened, Sungjong took his arm and dragged him out of the cafe. He could feel Myungsoo’s confusion beside him.

Glancing sideways, he said, “Hyung, you have to keep your promise. Shop until drop, remember?”

“But after what you’ve heard…”

Sungjong dropped his arm and whirled around to face him. Placing his hands on his hips, he said in a stern voice, “I heard what I heard. But that’s no reason to ruin Christmas Eve. We’re doing this properly, okay?”

“Yes, sir,” Myungsoo nodded, breaking into a small smile.

 

 

Tagging behind Sungjong, Myungsoo invaded shop after shop. Sungjong spent more time looking at things than buying them. He would try out at least fifteen shirts, only to buy one. He would try on at least twenty hats and get two in the end. But at least he was energetic, and all smiles and went through the racks, frowning in concentration, scrutinizing every piece. He forced Myungsoo to try out some things too, ordering him to walk forward and backward, while he watched him with his head cocked to one side, a finger on lips, deep in thought.

Myungsoo picked out a plaid shirt for him. At first, Sungjong’s lips twisted distastefully, but then he decided to give it a try. Watching his reflection on the mirror, he smiled inquisitively at Myungsoo. When the elder gave him a thumb up, he chuckled, posing for him. Myungsoo wished he had brought his camera; well, he’d have to use his mind to record these precious images of Sungjong. The younger was in his element, free and fresh, as he traipsed though the shops as if he owned them.

By the time they were on the fourth floor of the multi-storied shop, Myungsoo’s knees were betraying him. He felt the onset of convulsion drawing nearer. He didn’t have much time. Nausea hit the back of his throat as a dull, throbbing pain burned his shoulder blades. He felt a jolt run across his body. It was too soon, too soon – he wanted more, more time.

“Are you alright?” Sungjong’s voice was laced with concern as he placed a hand on his shoulder.

“I-er-we have to go back Sungjong,” he said, his voice thin and drawn. His breathing was shallow. Every time he took a sip of air, he felt a stab to his lungs as if the oxygen was poisoning him.

“But, I wanted to see them light the big Christmas tree at the square.” Sungjong’s eyes looked hopeful and he pouted, looking into Myungsoo’s eyes. He probably knew that the elder couldn’t deny him.

Myungsoo thought about it – if he went to see the lighting of the tree, he would never make it back to the dorm. He could tell that time was running out fast for him. The burning sensation on his back heightened. A decision had to be made as quick as possible. He looked at Sungjong once more, his wide eyes reflecting him, and the battle was over.

“Let’s go,” he said.

They took the elevator to the ground floor and headed towards the exit. Halfway across, Myungsoo felt the soles of his feet burning. He stopped, catching his breath. Seeing him struggle, Sungjong came up to him and asked if he was okay. Smiling at the younger, he reiterated that he was fine and put up a brave front. The next step he took almost knocked the breath out of his lungs. With concerned eyes, Sungjong took his hand. He rested some of his weight on the younger, feeling slightly better. The parts of his skin that touched Sungjong cooled down and the pain numbed.

They made their way slowly to the square, Sungjong checking every now and then if he was alright. It was getting difficult for him to talk, as if someone had clasped their hands over his mouth and he was struggling to move it. He could feel his brain swimming, becoming slow and sluggish.

“We’re here,” Sungjong said. “Hyung?”

He opened his eyes and saw the crowd around them. They were standing in a circle around the giant Christmas tree, decorated in layers and layers of ornaments and lamps; none of them were lighted, not yet. There was a buzz of conversation going around, punctuated by laughter and coughs. Some people were brushing their hands together to keep warm. Their breaths rose in misty white spirals in front of them.

“Are you sure you don’t need a doctor, hyung?” Sungjong asked, rubbing his back.

“I need you Sungjong,” Myungsoo mumbled, but the younger didn’t hear him over the din. He leaned forward, asking him to repeat himself but Myungsoo just shook his head.

There was no way he could ask Sungjong for that, even though that was probably the only thing that could save him now. It wasn’t fair, he couldn’t just ask that much from the younger. It had been wrong of him to spring the confession on the unsuspecting maknae; he was not going to ask for something worse and have the younger hate him forever. What was the point of him staying anyway, if Sungjong would hate him?

The countdown had started, people around them were shouting loudly, and it sounded like one thundering voice. Sungjong contributed his voice to the roar too, his eyes glistening as he stared at the Christmas tree as if it was some kind of a miracle.

“Three, two, one!”

The lights sprang to life, followed by a Christmas carol that blasted out through speakers. All the people joined, singing at the top of their voices. The crowd had been waiting with bated breath, as one, for this very moment.

Sungjong jumped up and down beside him, singing along delightfully with the crowd. Myungsoo turned to look at him – his face was bathed in the glow from the lights, his eyes sparkling. He had seen many heavenly sights, quite literally, but right now, Sungjong trumped all of that. In the crowd, among hundreds of people, Sungjong stood out like the North Star, bright and vibrant.

Suddenly, there was a sharp pain in his chest, like a metal fist had gripped his heart. Bile hit the back of his throat as the acid threatened to cripple every part of his neck. He knew the grip well, it was time. Feeling the taste of iron in his mouth, he wringed his hand out of Sungjong’s and started running, pushing people out of the way. It wasn’t easy to cut through the crowd but the morbid pain crushing his insides drove him on. It ripped a scream out of his throat, that drowned Sungjong’s cries of, “Hyung, are you okay?”

He ran until he was away from the crowd, in a dingy alley, lit sparsely by a half-broken streetlight. Panting, he clawed at his chest, hoping to get the phantom metal fist away from him.

“Just… a bit more…” he gasped, falling to his knees as his legs gave away. His spine was being pricked by a thousand sharp needles so that he couldn’t hold up his head. His eyes met the cold, dark pitch as his vision started to blur.

He felt a burst of coldness inside of him that had nothing to do with the outside temperature. It was icy and he felt his blood freezing into crystals.

A voice in his head resonated, “Your time’s up. You wanted to play human, we gave you 22 years, but you couldn’t transform. The laws are the laws – you know you have to return.”

“A minute,” he wheezed, trying his best to keep conscious but his brain was muddled, his eyelids drooping already.

“What can you do in a minute that you couldn’t do in five years? You can’t ask him to do it for you, not when he regards you as his brother,” the voice spoke back in a sneering, condescending tone.

It was true, there was nothing else he could do. He couldn’t ask Sungjong - he had seen the look on his face when he’d told him that he loved him. There was no way he would accept him, and it was too late anyway. He cursed himself internally, why had he not acted before? But even if he had, would Sungjong ever think of him in that way? He probably wouldn’t. It was a lost cause from the beginning.

 

 

Sungjong had followed Myungsoo through the crowd into the alley. Out of breath and wheezing, he saw the elder on his knees at the middle of the alley, covering his ears with his hands.

“Hyung!” he exclaimed, dropping the shopping bags his hands were full of and sprinting towards him. He didn’t know what was wrong with him but he needed to take care of him. Fishing his cell phone out of his pocket, his trembling fingers were ready to dial emergency when Myungsoo’s hand landed on his.

“I’m sorry Sungjong, I have to leave now.” He hoisted himself up to his feet with difficulty, Sungjong lending his shoulder.

“What do you mean? What are you saying?” Sungjong searched Myungsoo’s face frantically for any indication, any explanation. His body convulsed under his hands as he tried to hold him steady by his shoulders. “Hyung, please,” he pleaded, even though he didn’t know what was going on. He had this sudden urge to hold onto the elder, not let him go.

A huge force pressed against Myungsoo, pushing him away from Sungjong to the back of the alley.

“Don’t come near me,” he warned, as he spread his arms to his sides.

Sungjong made to run towards him but he stopped midway. The sight that greeted him was surreal: Myungsoo was surrounded by a brilliant white light that seemed to be emitting from his body, which was writhing in agony. Tongues of white hot flame lashed at him and his eyes were full of the white light so that his pupil and irises were gone. There was an outline of a pair of wings behind him, extending from his shoulder and filling the breadth of the alley. The scream ripped from his throat as the wings sprouted into being was bloodcurdling and even from his position, Sungjong knew that the elder’s body was burning.

“Hyung, no!” he shrieked, looking around for something. “Help, someone help!”

He had never felt this helpless as he flailed his arms at his side, praying hysterically under his breath. What could he do to stop Myungsoo’s distress, how could he help him? His brain couldn’t process the sight in front of him, but he wasn’t even trying to think up a logical explanation to all this. There was nothing more important than helping Myungsoo right now and he’d never be able to forgive him if he didn’t try to save him. His insides churned with pain and desperation. He had to save Myungsoo because…

Closing his eyes, he sprinted towards Myungsoo, the elder’s warning fresh in his ears but he was past the point where he would care about himself, not when he was watching the person he loved the most in the world being swallowed by flames.

Loved…yes, loved.

Loved passionately, desperately…

Deeply.

He loved Myungsoo, but only in his secret imaginary world. He wasn’t L in that world, INFINITE’s visual, but just Myungsoo, Kim Myungsoo. He loved this Kim Myungsoo deeply, intensely. He loved him secretly, away from prying eyes. That was where they shared everything, everything, they had nothing to hide from each other, unlike in the real world.

It had bothered him when Myungsoo confessed, because he didn’t want to be the reason why Myungsoo left INFINITE, why the fans were disappointed that their ‘precious oppa’ was gay. He didn’t want to be on the receiving end of accusing glares from s, the staff, the fans. For once, he didn’t want to be branded as the problem, the sorry, pathetic, good-for-nothing disease, like a monster who’d turned Myungsoo. He didn’t want to be the pinprick where everyone else’s hatred would be laser focused; for once, he didn’t want to be the most hated member, the one with rumors flying around about him.

So he had confined Myungsoo to his secret world and made love to him there, peppered his skin with kisses and traced his ribs with his finger. But here, in this world, Myungsoo was just a close hyung, a friendly member. A star, but not his star. He would never be his.

That Myungsoo would not exist if this Myungsoo, the one right in front of his eyes disappeared in flames. He couldn’t let the elder go like that, not after what he had heard him say this morning.

“You’ll burn Sungjong, no! Run, leave me!” Myungsoo’s muffled voice wafted out from the flames but it wasn’t enough to stop him. Taking a deep breath, he stepped right into the flame, throwing his arms around the taller man and kissed him.

He didn’t feel the fire, only Myungsoo’s burning lips as the man kissed him back with force. His eyelids drooped, but from the narrow gap between his eyelids, he saw that the tongues of white flame were his face and his arms, but he couldn’t feel any of it.

Pressing closer to Myungsoo, he deepened the kiss and felt Myungsoo doing the same. It was bizarre, not only because they were surrounded by what seemed like phantom supernatural light and Myungsoo had sprouted wings out of nowhere; but for him, the most surreal part was kissing Myungsoo in the flesh. It was something he never imagined in his wildest dream - kissing the real, live Myungsoo in this world – it had been only a shadowy, intangible fear in the grooves of his brain.

Had his mind finally given way, and this was an impossible dream within his skull?

But it felt real. Not that he would know what real felt like, but it felt extraordinary, unlike anything he had felt before. It was kind of like how he felt when he wore his favorite, new shirt, or how he smelled after using the scented shampoo, or how his favorite chocolate made him feel warm and gooey on the inside, or how he felt about rain after warm, scorching days; something like that, but deeper, deep down within his bones… stronger.

He didn’t keep tabs on how long they were intertwined – maybe five minutes, or ten, or an hour. When they parted, reality stared back at him. It was like a switch had been flipped - the flashing lights were gone and Myungsoo looked very much like his real self, normal, ordinary. But he looked disheveled, his hair was a mess and his eyes looked sunken, like he had just gone through an ordeal.

Sungjong had to blink to take it all in – had he imagined it all? He swore that he could still see the traces of the outline of his wings.

It couldn’t have been a dream.

“Hyung?” he enquired, looking fearful and hoping that there was a reasonable explanation to all this madness. How could he deny that he had just kissed his hyung?

“Thank you, Jongie,” Myungsoo whispered, leaning down to let their foreheads touch.

“What – what just happened?” His throat felt itchy and his mouth was dry. Confused was an understatement; it didn’t even scratch the surface of how he felt right now.

“You stopped it, you stopped them from taking me away.”

“I – stopped who?”

“My… brothers. Don’t freak out Jongie but I am – or was, at least, an angel.”

Sungjong blinked, hoping for Myungsoo’s sake that he wasn’t joking. He didn’t take lightly to people who messed with him.

“Like … an angel of the Lord kinda thing?”

Sighing, Myungsoo shook his head.

“Not that kind of an angel. We’re just a different race from humans, we have a different home, Eden and different rules – we’re just different.”

Sungjong gulped down saliva, considering whether to believe the elder or not. He couldn’t refute what he had seen, but what he was saying didn’t make sense either. Were angels real?

“So you’re just an alien?” he asked cautiously, narrowing his eyes to scrutinize the elder.

“Yeah, to humans. Well, I was.”

“And you’re not anymore?”

“No, you changed it, you turned me,” the elder replied happily, moving back to stare at him fondly.

Sungjong did the same to search his face for any sign of lie or held-back laughter. He expected him to burst into laughter any moment, clutching his stomach and calling him a fool for falling for it. What if it was an extended Christmas prank and all the members were in on it? They could be spying on them from somewhere around here. As the thought hit him, he looked around immediately, trying to spot anyone or any hidden cameras.

“What are you looking for?”

He glared at the elder intensely.

“This is not a joke right?”

Myungsoo looked taken aback.

“You just saw what happened, right?”

Sungjong nodded in agreement. There were no special effects in what he had seen. It had been real.

“Okay, so if you’re an angel, what are you doing here?”

He frowned, looking down at the ground where the flames had sprang up at his feet.

“I wanted to be human.”

It was Sungjong’s turn to furrow his brows.

“What? Why?”

“Because humans are warm-blooded. And angels are cold, so cold.”

 

 

It was the truth. As a race, angels were the coldest, not to mention the deadliest. Even their mere appearances were enough to burn humans and their surroundings. They didn’t harvest any emotion, and their lives were mechanical. The only desire they felt was that for power. Or at least, that was the case for most angels. Some, like Myungsoo, detested this lifestyle.

In school, he had joined a secret society which spied on humans – one of the warmest races. They had their share of dark sides, but for the greater part, they were kind and compassionate. He had seen human tyrants going home to their family and dropping their masks. He had seen kindness and love in impossible places, among war, poverty, and depression. For every war started, there were people in the world who cared, who protested. He had seen leaves sprout from cracks in stones. For every grass trampled, a flower would rise elsewhere.

There was no such thing in their planet. Born into cruelty, removed from emotions, he had wasted away for ages. Even as a child he had believed that somewhere out there, there was a different world, a world he was meant for. True, as an angel his powers were superior, but humans were stronger. They fought for what they believed in, they pushed themselves to the edge when need be, their survival instincts kicked in, making them do the impossible.

And then there was family like he had never known.

When Myungsoo’s real parents got to know about the society he had joined, they had gone ballistic. It was a sign of rebellion against the angels, so he had to fall. He was cast out of their planet, onto earth, like it was a punishment.

For angels, it was castigation; this was the penalty for the highest crimes - doomed to a frail human life for years. He had been given the same sentence, only for him, it was a dream come true. He’d been sentenced for 22 years, but he wanted to spend the rest of his life on this planet. His family and the angels who had sentenced him believed otherwise – that he would drop his tail the moment he came to earth, that he would hate it here and would be begging to become an angel again.

When he seemed adamant about wanting to spend the rest of his life in mortal flesh, the angel prosecutors wrote a clause into his sentence, a personal joke: if Myungsoo were able to find a soul mate on earth, he would be allowed to live there forever. Otherwise, he would be turned back into an angel and dragged back to their planet, Eden. His family had approved, watching him struggle.

But families on earth were different, loving.

The first time he felt a slice of that love was when he had gotten ill. His human mother had stayed up the whole night beside him. When he couldn’t eat because his mouth was dry and inflamed, his mother would make him chicken soup and coax him to eat, even if it took hours for him to finish one bowl. His father would call home hourly, checking up on him and asking if he could bring him anything. His younger brother even cried. Myungsoo was not actually related to any of them, but they still treated him like he was their own. That was more than he could ever ask for.

Then he joined INFINITE; even though the team had their low times, the hyungs cared for him. He knew he could go to them for advice, consolation, and commendation. They were like his second family.

And then there was Sungjong.

The moment his eyes had landed on him, he knew he was different. All human beings were different from each other but there was something that stood out about Sungjong.

He cared for the maknae, maybe a bit more than the others. That protective affection grew into something more, something insurmountable – it could only have been love. Earth had taught him one thing – everyone has a soul mate. When he had realized how much he loved Sungjong, it became clear to him that Sungjong was his soul mate.

“You’re not making any sense, as always,” Sungjong replied exasperatedly. Myungso didn’t know what he could do to make the maknae believe. “Which is why,” the maknae gave a small smile, “I believe you.”

Sighing with relief, Myungsoo picked up Sungjong’s hand and kissed the back of his palm.

“Sometimes we do stupid things, we all do, hyung.”

“It’s not stupid, becoming human I mean. Above all, I get to be with you. I’d do it again and again,” he said earnestly. He needed Sungjong to know that he didn’t regret anything. It was a miracle, yes a miracle, for Sungjong to have kissed him when only a few hours ago he had reacted negatively to his confession. If they were not meant to be, it would have never happened.

“So-so now you get to stay here forever, as a human? No more wings and weird light?”

Myungsoo laughed throatily, remembering the transformation he had been undergoing. It had hurt like hell, especially when the wings had materialized, tearing through his flesh. And the white light – it had been angel fire, burning away every strip of human skin on his body. It was the process of purifying him, making him an angel again, making him superior. If Sungjong hadn’t kissed him at that moment…

At first he had been horrified when the younger was approaching him. He couldn’t even imagine the sorts of horrific things angel fire could do to a human – his last act had been to protect Sungjong, to tell him to leave. But surprisingly, the fire hadn’t left a single scratch on the younger. Who knew, maybe humans had powers angels didn’t know of.

“Yeah, because I found my soul mate. That was the condition for me to be human forever.”

Sungjong’s eyes widened as he slapped his hand over his mouth.

“You – you don’t mean-”

“Yes, it’s you Sungjong. You’re my soul mate. I’ve loved you for so long. And tonight…you walked into that flame and kissed me…” He choked, his throat constricting with tears. He had thought the younger would never reciprocate his feelings and he would be doomed to Eden for the rest of his life, remembering and pining for Sungjong.

Snow had started falling slowly, soft white flakes riding on the back of the chilly wind that was picking up. Shaking off the few flakes that had gathered on top of Sungjong’s head, he pulled him closer by his overcoat and rested his palms on his cheeks, his thumbs brushing his cheekbones.

 

 

Sungjong had to admit that this was ten times, no, a thousand times better than his imaginary world where Myungsoo was tangible, but always a bit out of reach. The closure, the softness of Myungsoo’s palms against his face, his breath rising in white spirals in front of him - they were sensations he had never thought he would get to feel in the flesh. It exalted him – all those times he had spent crying, both on stage and off stage because he knew he could never be together with the one he loved seemed to dissipate. This was the reality.

How lucky did he have to be for the man he loved to want him back?

It didn’t matter what Myungsoo really was; as far as Sungjong was concerned, Myungsoo was better than many human beings he had met. He was his favorite hyung for a reason, not just because he was in love with him.

He was not a fool, he knew it wouldn’t be the happily ever after he imagined in his make-believe world from now on for them.

Just because they loved each other didn’t mean they would be allowed to love each other.

They had to consider the team, their families, the fans. He couldn’t think of one person who would be happy about this, about them. But then again, people always surprised him. It would be a miracle if they would be allowed to date, but Sungjong was inexplicably hopeful. He had seen one miracle today, maybe he would see another soon. It was the season for miracles after all.

Miracles didn’t have to be for kids who believe in Santa Claus only – God knows, everyone could do with a miracle.

“Stop thinking so much, it’ll be fine,” Myungsoo whispered against his ear.

“Aren’t you optimistic?” he chuckled, feeling Myungsoo’s breath tickling his ear lobe. He wrapped his arm around the elder again, drowning in his warmth. Now that Myungsoo approved it, how was he going to keep his hands off him all the time they were together? Wouldn’t the members suspect something if he suddenly got too intimate with Myungsoo? Everyone knew he wasn’t exactly fond of skinship.

“It’s not that,” Myungsoo said softly, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “It’s just…I have faith in humans. And it doesn’t matter what happens after this, because you’ll be here with me. If you’re with me, anywhere is home. If you’re with me, I can take on the world.”

And maybe, Myungsoo was the miracle he needed to get through the rest of his life.