For aluoa14

From Secret Santa

Prompt: A homophobic myungsoo/jong and a crossing dressing sungyeol,

Pairing: Yeoljong

 

AN: Just a little warning that there might be sensitive material in this fic. I only a know a few cross dressers, some gay, some straight, some that crossed dressed occasionally and others who crossed dressed everyday. I wanted to embody all of those people and that includes their struggles and successes, with good times and bad times.

I’ve decided to take the theme of ‘identity’ with the prompt I chose and I didn’t want to take it too lightly, but I also didn’t want to make it too serious. I just wanted to write something that expresses ‘high school’, with all the anger and confusion and the laughter that came with being a teenager. So you might find a bit of humor and angst strewn all around.

Please enjoy this fic, and to the one who requested this, I hope you like it :)

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The Great Pretender

“Are they in some cross dressers club or something?”

Sungjong taps his foot impatiently on the floor, not expecting an answer from his friend. The young man across him just lifts one shoulder before letting it drop again. Not far from them are a small group of boys looking like they’re having the time of their lives. Most of them wearing some form of dress, skirt or another. Among them, Dongwoo laughs hysterically as Myungsoo whispers something funny in his ear, the latter missing his famous long silky black hair. Myungsoo, being the only one in the group who actually grows his hair that long has now cut it in favour of a pixie cut that framed his already gorgeous face nicely, wearing white sneakers with a rather modest straight blue dress while Dongwoo opted for a plain white shirt with mini denim shorts. It’s all about comfort for that guy. They look kind of cute actually. Sungjong’s eye twitches, catching himself in the thought and shivers.

“I mean, do they seriously have to show it? They shouldn’t go around pretending to be someone they’re not.” The soft features on his face do little justice to the scowl he puts on.

“I don’t know Sungjong.” The older male says after some hesitation. “It’s not that bad, I think.” He fidgets within his seat. “They’re not hurting anybody. Besides, Dongwoo’s my friend, remember?”

“Whatever, hyung.” The younger says coldly, crossing his arms defiantly in front of his chest. “I still hate it.”

Sungjong, amidst his stubbornness fails to see his hyung wince at the harsh words. Sometimes Sungjong’s careless words just cut him deeper than he thinks. Sungyeol doesn’t speak for the rest of their lunch break until the bell rings signaling the students to get to their classes.

 

 

“Hey, you wanna hang out?” Sungyeol finally musters up his courage at the end of the school day to speak to his best friend, however small the conversation might be.

“Sure,” Sungjong shrugs, “where do you want to go?”

“Let’s just go to the mall and grab a bite to eat. Does that sound good?” Sungyeol’s voice, though he was asking genuinely has a hint of teasing that only he can pull off. Sungjong can’t help but giggle.

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

The two make their way down the pavement, casually walking and not in any rush. They talk and talk about anything and everything. But the conversations cut too short and awkward. Sungyeol fidgets with the corners of his jacket. Sungong slows down. “Hyung, is there something wrong?”

“Huh?” Sungyeol feels his heart drop. “No, nothing.” The younger huffs in mild amusement.

“If you say so, hyung.” He crosses his arms lightly, delicately. “But just so you know, you can’t lie to me.” He smiles softly. “And really, hyung, you can always tell me anything that’s on your m-“

“Just kiss already!”

The younger’s words are drowned out by catcalls and whistles. He stiffens in irritation and discomfort. Blood boiling at the voices he’s always hated. A boy no older than the two of them leads a small gang of other irritating figures. Sungyeol purses his lips as Sungjong huffs in annoyance. This always happens. No matter where they are or what time of day. Always.

The small group reaches Sungjong and Sungyeol and without warning, the one in the lead puts his crummy arms around Sungjong’s waist. The younger squirms in his hold, but he doesn’t even try to push him away. That’s never worked before anyway. Seeing the lack of reaction from him, his terrorizer turns his gaze away from Sungjong to his next victim. Sungyeol.

“If you’re not gonna kiss him, I will.” He threatens towards Sungyeol, a malicious grin on his face.

Sungyeol sputters and goes red, but before he can reply, someone else comes in the scene.

 

“Hey, leave them alone!” A familiar sharp-eyed Dongwoo came menacingly across the field.

“Well if it isn’t one of the skirts.” The boy mocks further, finding another target of his harassment. “How about you and me go on a date some time?” He snickers at his own joke and his lackeys laugh with him.

Dongwoo places his hands on his hips. “Well,” he changes his voice to a smooth seductive tone, “you can take me out any time you want, big boy.”

The boy visibly jerks away from Sungjong, his arms loosening from his waist and instead stiffens by his side. That’s when Dongwoo decides to make his final move. With a smirk and a wink, he puts the tips of his fingers to his full lips and blows out his most disgusting wet flying kiss. The boy looks visibly disturbed and at a loss for words as he stands there, unable to do anything.

“Y-yeah, whatever!” Seems to be his most audible response after a few silent moments. “C’mon guys, let’s go.”

He and his lackeys stumble uselessly as they walk away, still not sure what in the world just happened. Dongwoo sighs and crosses his arms as he watches the other boys flee. He looks worriedly over to the other two boys, all evidence of his ‘y seductive face’ gone without even a trace.

“Are you guys ok?”

Sungjong grumbles a hesitant ‘yes’ and looks way in shame. Because no matter how he claims to hate those cross dressers, he can never seem to feel any anger towards Dongwoo, who smiles and laughs at everything. Dongwoo who is so so happy that it couldn’t be real. But it is, and he is definitely not pretending. So Sungjong lets himself hate pure hearted Dongwoo even more. If only to have some sort of consistency in his weird high school life.

 

 

“Why don’t you just kiss already?” The question is Myungsoo’s immediate response after hearing Sungyeol’s retelling of what happened that afternoon.

“Sungjong will kill you if he hears that.”

“I don’t care, at least you’ll finally be together.”

“You’re a coward,” Sunggyu pipes up from behind them. “I can’t even believe you’re my friend.”

Sungyeol gives him a glare. “We’re only friends because of Dongwoo. Which reminds me,” Sungyeol suddenly perks up, “that jerk tried to make a pass at him today.”

“W-what!” Sunggyu’s eyes widen just a fraction. His head snaps to look at Dongwoo sneaking a cupcake from the pantry.

“Did he touch you inappropriately? Did he hurt you anywhere?”

Dongwoo jumps a little at the sudden attention. “Well um… no,” he mumbles. “Although I do think I hurt his ego a little bit.” He swipes a finger on the icing and turns to Sungyeol. “And don’t try to change the subject. We’re talking about Sungjong, not me. And no Sunggyu, you’re not allowed to kill anyone.”

Sungyeol huffs in annoyance and turns his attention to Myungsoo – the only one in the group to even look close to being sane. Thank goodness for Myungsoo.

 “It’s just that Sungjong,” Sungyeol hesitates. “He doesn’t like these kinds of things.”

“What do you mean?” Sunggyu, being the latest addition isn’t exactly up to speed.

“He’s homophobic.”

Sungyeol glares at Myungsoo in disbelief. “Way to drop a bomb shell!”

Sunggyu sighs. “He’s your friend. Even if he’s not interested, he should at least accept you for who you are. No more hiding.”

For once, Sunggyu is making sense. But he still can’t help his fraying nerves at the thought of telling his friend. “Just… give me some time, alright?”

Dongwoo leans in with the widest grin on his face. “Tell you what, why don’t we go out on Saturday, get our nails done, go shopping. You know, the whole package?”

Sungyeol purses his lips and thinks it over. He doesn’t think he’s a constant three-days-a-week cross dresser like Dongwoo, and he’s not exactly comfortable living it everyday like Myungsoo. But he likes to indulge every now and then. And if it means giving his mind a break from all of this, then why not?

So he smiles at Dongwoo. “Ok. It’ll be relaxing, right?”

 

 

Unfortunately for him, Saturday proves not to be the relaxing day he thought it would be. Sungyeol’s heart drops at who he sees in front of him. Sungjong should be at home studying. Not at the mall living it up. Not at the mall seeing a very distressed Sungyeol wearing a short dress and bright red lipstick. He made sure to check his schedule.

“Sungjong, this- this is- this is not what it looks like.” Sungyeol stutters with his words. “Ok, this is exactly what it looks like.”

Sungjong continues staring, dumbfounded and mouth open.

“I’m a cross dresser Sungjong.” He is tempted to add deal with it but realized in time that it wouldn’t have gone down well.

“Hyung? W-what is going on? Why do you look like this?”

“I just told you, I’m a cross dresser.”

“No you’re not.”

“Yes I am.”

“B-but… you’re not.”

“Sungjong, how can you even be sure?”

“Because I know you! This isn’t you hyung!”

“But it is me. It’s always been me!” Sungyeol looks at the younger man, eyes imploring. “You just never saw it that way.”

“Then… are you gay?”

Sungyeol huffs in offence. “Well if you insist on outing me, then yes! I’m gay. Sungjong, I thought,” He looks at the younger, breathless. “You’re my best friend, I thought you’d be ok with it.”

Sungjong’s mouth opens, but for a few short moments, nothing comes out. “What part of ‘I hate those kinds of things’ makes you think I would be ok with it!”

Sungyeol feels his stomach drop at those words, his blood feeling cold at his friend’s rejection. The resulting silence is long. Sungjong’s heart clenches at the hurt behind Sungyeol’s angry eyes, and his own anger and confusion dissipates. But too late as his friend huffs and turns away. Sungjong watches Sungyeol’s back, rigid and forlorn, getting smaller as he gets farther away from the younger.

“H-hyung…” He sighs and buries his face in his hands. “What have I done?”

 

 

The days go by without so much as a passing glance from Sungyeol. The two best friends avoid each other Sungjong finding a quiet place to sit at lunch. And on the weekends, he spends his time hiding in his room. That is where he sits with his arms around his knees when his older brother enters the room. Hoya finds the younger sitting on the bed, fingers playing with his loose sleeves.

“Sungjong.” Hoya looks at him with earnest eyes. “Why are you so against this?”

The younger looks at the floor, arms still holding himself together.

“Do you remember,” he starts, his voice shaking, “when we were younger, I would come home with bruises and said it was because I tripped.”

Hoya nods silently as he rubs Sungjong’s back.

“I lied.”

“I know.”

“And then you would go and beat them up because you knew exactly who did it?”

Hoya merely chuckles then and Sungjong laughs along softly.

“I never told you what happened.” The younger’s face heats up in shame. “They used to… beat me for looking like a girl. They said I was too skinny, my eyes were too big and that one day I was gonna grow s.” Sungjong laughs mirthlessly, tears streaming down his eyes. “It sounds so stupid now, but I was so scared. I wasn’t like the other boys. I didn’t look like one. I didn’t feel like one.” He runs his fingers through his hair, shaking his head at how naïve he was as a kid. He never thought he’d cry about it after so long.

“If only I looked like you, you know,” he says after he calms down.

“Sungjong,” Hoya’s voice is gentle and understanding but firm. “Just because you look like me doesn’t mean you’re not gay.”

The younger is silent for a long moment and Hoya freezes at his own words. “What do you mean?” Sungjong decides to ask.

“I mean…” Hoya stammers. “Look at Woohyun, you look at him and you’d never think he’s gay. He’s handsome, popular with the ladies, plays sports and is the most amazing kisser!” He pauses with slight fear in his eyes. “I didn’t mean to say that last part.”

“You- you… kissed him!” Sungjong spits out the words like rotten tasting food in his mouth. He can’t believe their conversation is turning into one about Woohyun. Woohyun, that dirt bag of all people!

“Hyung, are you-“ He pauses, disbelief in his voice. “Are you-“ For some reason, Sungjong couldn’t find it in him to say the word.

“I didn’t say that!”

“But you’re not denying it either!”

The older looks ready to retort but bites his lip instead. The way his eyebrows knit together and his eyes avoid Sungjong very much reminds the younger of a kicked puppy. A kicked puppy who thinks he did something wrong. But he’s done nothing wrong. Has he?

“Sungjong,” Hoya’s voice sounds serious but desperate, “you know that sometimes people aren’t always what they seem. I’m like that. Woohyun’s like that-“ 

“But he’s Woohyun! That’s just who he is!”

“And I’m Hoya!” The older man looks at Sungjong with pleading eyes. “And this is who I am. Why can’t I just be me?”

“I-“ Sungjong speaks softly to placate his hyung. “I just need some time to… think it over. This is all just… a little too much for me.”

The look in Hoya’s eyes reflected neither anger nor sadness. Just fear. Absolute fear.

“Hyung, I’m not angry or disappointed in you. Of course you can just be you.” All these reveals in one day, to be sure, he’s not angry at Hoya. What right does he have to be? But learning that he has kissed someone of the same – with Woohyun of all people – all in one day… is just too much to process.

And so he turns around to his room and plops face first onto his bed. And there he stays for a good few hours thinking. Just thinking.

Why can’t I just be me?

So Hoya hyung likes boys, he’s cool with that. It’s just something he never expected, especially coming from the manliest man he knows. Well, he’s still the manliest man he knows, except now he likes other men? Sungjong nods with the logic he thinks up to convince himself. Then shakes his head at how pathetic his reasoning is.

Maybe Hoya hyung is right. He just wants to be himself.

Sungjong can feel himself smiling a little as the idea grows in his head. The rapid thumping of his heart changing from anxiety to one of pleasant happiness. His hyung is someone dear and special to him and he deserves to be with someone special.

But he remembers that this is Nam Woohyun that has his brother in his sights, and screams into his pillow.

 

“I’m sorry I acted that way and… I accept you for who you are.” Sungjong wraps his arms around his brother. “And I love you hyung.”

Hoya moves his arms and hugs him back. “I love you too Jong.”

“But I still don’t like Woohyun.”

“Sungjong!”

“He’s a sleazebag!”

“Yeah, but he’s my seleazebag!” he makes a whining noise in the back of his throat. “You can’t take him from me”

Sungjong chuckles at his hyung’s childish antics and wraps his arms around him tighter.

After a while of doing nothing but holding each other close. Hoya decides to speak up again. “Sungjong,” He pulls away slightly, making sure the younger looks him in the eye. “Why not just give him a chance – give Sungyeol a chance?”

The younger sighs. “Ok yeah, I think he’s the hottest guy in school and his smirk is to die for, but that doesn’t make me gay!”

Hoya doesn’t even look at him. “I dunno Sungjong. Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

 

 

Sungyeol brushes the long brown hair of his wig absently. Too many things going on in his head was making it hurt and Dongwoo suggested that they play some video games in their new outfits. And he promised that it’ll make him feel better. It always does.

But still he sighs as he looks in front of the mirror. He looks and looks and sees… Sungyeol. It couldn’t be anyone other than him, mirrors don’t lie after all. So why would anyone, why would Sungjong insist that it isn’t him. Like he’s some great pretender by putting on skirts and dresses. It’s just who he is, it couldn’t be anyone other than him.

He barely hears the knock on the door, his mind still too preoccupied. Dongwoo shouts an ‘I’ll get it!’ and rushes to the door. Sungyeol doesn’t expect the visitor to be for him, and so he’s unprepared for what comes next, until Sungjong steps in the reflection on the mirror. Sungyeol’s eyes widen and his heart starts beating faster. He doesn’t want to turn around, but he does.

The younger is keeping his distance and Sungyeol doesn’t miss the heavy tension in the air. He wants to be offended, and he is, but right now, just seeing his best friend looking so small and standing so far away just tears at his heart.

“I-I’m sorry.”

Sungyeol inhales sharply. “What are you sorry for? Are you sorry that I like dressing like this? Are you sorry that I am who I am?”

Dongwoo’s eyes shift between the two other occupants in the room. He clears his throat. “I’ll uh, go for some juice.” He walks behind Sungyeol and gently but firmly lays a hand on his shoulder. “Go easy on him.”

They wait for Dongwoo to leave the room and a few minutes go by with only silence. Sungyeol is the first to speak up.

“You know, I thought you’d be different. That you weren’t like the other guys, always pointing and staring.” Sungjong continues staring straight to the floor. “Do you even know what that feels like?”

At those words, Sungjong snaps his head up, his eyes full of anger and hurt. His lips are pursed as he nods. “I do. I do know what that feels like.” He swallows the growing lump in his throat. “I know what it’s like to feel so out of place. And to wonder what I did wrong. To wonder why they laughed at me for looking like a girl.” He looks at Sungyeol through and through, nothing but honesty in his eyes. ”And I’m sorry. I’m sorry I did that to you. I’m sorry that I became like one of them. I never meant to hurt you, to hurt anybody. But I did. And I’d forgotten how much it hurt to be judged and forced to be something that you’re not.” The tears of remorse well up in his eyes. “And that’s what I did to you. To all of you.”

“Sungjong I-“ Sungyeol sighs, staring at the floor. Then he looks at Sungjong through his hair, taking a few steps closer and gently takes the younger by the wrist – an idea forming in his head.

I hope this works.

 

 

Sungyeol brushes the long brown hair of his wig gently, a small smile on his face. Too many things going on in his head being calmed by the simple motion.

“How are you feeling?”

Sungjong looks at him with wide, shy eyes behind Sungyeol’s wig. “I should be asking you that question. I feel awkward… no offence. But,” Sungjong lets out a shaky breath through an awkward smile. “It feels nice, I guess.”

“I mean, who doesn’t like feeling beautiful right?” Sungyeol stares at him with a soft glazed look in his eyes and Sungjong can’t help but blush.

He turns and sees himself for the first time. With rosy cheeks and soft pink lips.  He pats the dress that Sungyeol has put him in feeling more than a little uncomfortable. But pretty. He feels pretty and it feels good. Sungjong can’t believe it, he feels himself almost ready to smile. Then the rush of words and name-calling comes in, harsh and still as fresh and as cruel in Sungjong’s mind as it was when he was young.

Suddenly, Sungjong can’t stand to see himself in the mirror.

“Hyung, I- I can’t. This isn’t for me.”

“Hey, that’s ok. It’s not for everyone.” He sighs. “You’ll find what’s right for you one day. Never give up on yourself, because I won’t give up on you.” Sungyeol brushes a stray bit of hair out of Sungjong’s eyes. “I’ll help you get through this ok?”

The younger nods “Hyung, I’m sorry.”

“I know.” Sungyeol resumes threading the brush through his hair, and the younger finds the motion oddly comforting. “I like you Sungjong. I like you a lot.”

The younger smiles, he finds himself grateful for the older’s thoughtfulness. Love is too strong a word right now.

“I like you too.”

 

 

 

BONUS

 

“I don’t like it, it feels like something’s stuck to your lips. It feels weird.”

Sungjong looks up to find Woohyun wiping at his lips, hot pink lipstick smears at the tissue. He sees the swelling of Woohyun’s well-kissed lips and shudders knowing how that happened. But there’s nothing wrong with agreeing to what he’s saying.

“It does feel weird.”

“Well, unless I have a certain dance machine’s lips stuck to it, if you get my drift” Woohyun waggles his eyebrows at Sungjong and the latter gapes his mouth in horror.

“Hey hey. It’s just a kiss.” The familiar long lanky arms of his recently-official boyfriend stops him from destroying a certain grease ball.

“Is it really just a kiss?” Woohyun smirks that sly, devious- Sungjong swears he riles him up on purpose.

“What’s he even doing here? I thought this was cross dressers and their partners only? He and Hoya hyung don't cross dress.”

 “I wear women’s underwear, it counts,” Woohyun snaps.

“You know Sungjong, if you had been more open earlier, we could be doing all those things already.” This time, it’s Sungyeol that waggles his eyebrows.

Sungjong’s mouth hangs open in disgust. “You only want me for my body!”

“What! That’s only half true!”

Sungjong sighs and buries his face in his hands.

“I’m in love in an idiot.”

 

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It just didn't feel right without Woohyun saying any words. And I wanted Sungjong to admit he's in love X)