For Miznoona

From Secret Santa

Prompt: Sometimes love started with bewildering passion and then grew deeper through friendship; sometimes it started with deep friendship and surprised everybody-especially the two "best friends-with it's sudden romantic fire. Either way, love seemed both meant to be and a miracle.

Pairing: Hosoo

---

 

"Hello Mr. Lee, I'm Kim Myungsoo, I'm going to be your nurse for the next couple of months. It's a pleasure to meet you."

 

Howon hears from the doorway of his room but just continues to stare out the window instead, eyes cold and devoid of emotion. Not really caring if he had gotten a new nurse or not. He didn't even wonder about what had happened to the last one, because after months of being in the hospital and forced to stay in bed until he was essentially dead, Howon wasn't too keen about anything anymore. He hadn't been like that for a while now, and it was only a matter of a time until he truly was dead and wasn't just dead on the inside. 

 

He was dying and that was all there was too it, especially since he could do nothing but lay in his bed, watch TV, and occasionally watch the stars from his room if it was a good night for it. But even then, the last one didn't happen too often, if at all really, while TV shows hadn't interested him in years. There was really nothing out there for him anymore and it was just a matter of time until his body finally gave out on him, the cancer finally ruining him like it had been planning to do so all along.

 

Grunting a little bit to show the other that he had been indeed listening to what the other had just said, Howon was able to make out the footfalls of the nurse as the other quietly made his way closer to the bed. The other's smile could clearly be heard as he spoke, so much so that the sunny disposition he had was almost intangible as he said, "Alright Mr. Lee, do you need me to take care of anything while I'm here? I know you're due for a sponge bath soon so we can take care of that if you want right now? Or if not, do you need your pillows to be re-fluffed? Would you maybe want a snack? Something that isn't the usual hospital fair?"

 

Hearing something about food, something about non-hospital food at that, Howon couldn't help but be a little intrigued at what the other had said, even if he didn't want to look it. But while he continued to stare outside the window, making himself look as if he didn't care, he quietly managed to ask, "Snack? What do you mean by snack?"

 

Almost smirking at the other's questions, glad that he could get the other's attention with food, Myungsoo could only answer, "Just what I meant, if you want a snack, I can see if I can get you one... Possibly something chocolate? Salty?" while he checked the other's vitals to see if everything was normal or if he had needed to refill anything. But seeing nothing of the sort, Myungsoo quickly wrote down what needed to be written down and just continued to listen to what Howon had to say.

 

He was his first real patient and Myungsoo didn't want to mess it up, especially since the other was a bit rough around the edges and was a bit depressed by what was happening to him. But seeing him light up a little at the mention of possibly getting good food or just a snack that was something that he hadn't gotten to eat in ages, Myungsoo found it to be a good place to start when getting the other's attention. Because if Myungsoo had been in the same spot as the other man, stuck eating hospital food for months at a time, just the thought of eating some chocolate or chips would be heaven. And looking at Howon do his best to appear nonchalant about things, but still interested enough to ask questions about getting a snack, Myungsoo couldn't help but count it as a success. 

 

Only for him to frown a little when the man in bed quietly managed to say, almost despondent and not believing that he could do such a thing despite Myungsoo going to do as he said,  "Hospital food you mean. You'll get me hospital food... And then you'll try to pass it as if it is not... I can't eat anything else, so why would you say something like that?"

 

Frowning a little bit more, but not wanting the other to think like that, especially since Myungsoo wasn't going to lie to him, Myungsoo quietly responded, voice a little less bright than it was, but still quite warm, "If you're not allergic to it and it corresponds with the diet that we have you on, I could get you something like some cookies or even some crackers and cheese. Maybe even some chips if you want if you think you can stomach it."

 

Silently thinking a bit at the choices that the other had given him, choices that sounded as if the other was just going to get him something from a nearby vending machine, Howon couldn't help but mutter, "Those sound like vending machine foods... Are you seriously going to get me something from the vending machine?"

 

Turning in his bed to see what the nurse looked like, to see if the other was lying to him by promising things that he couldn't keep, lying to him like a lot of the other nurses had done when it came to their treatment of him, Howon couldn't help but be quite surprised by what he saw. Silently taking in the young man before him, a young man with shiny black hair, dark yet warm eyes (sparkling with kindness that hadn't been tarnished by life), dimples that Howon couldn't help but find cute, and a small yet honest smile that lined his mouth, Howon couldn't help but feel as if the other was telling the truth. Even if he really had nothing to go off of to back up that feeling, he still couldn't help but feel like that. 

 

Because as he silently stared the other man down, making note of the man's eyes to see if he was lying or what lines appeared across his face to show which emotions betrayed him, Howon found nothing but honesty, curiosity, and a kindness lining it that he didn't see that often... If at all anymore. The man's smile was even going so far to make his stomach twist and tie itself in little knots at how genuine it looked.

 

Howon wasn't used to genuine. He wasn't used to seeing smiles like that, at least not in years, because most smiles that he was used to seeing were more than filled with pain and worry. Two things he had never wanted to have directed at him, but had been directed at him for at least a year or so, despite not wanting it. But people didn't understand that and still tried to look at him as if he was a lost cause and was only months from actually breaking.

 

And he was in some ways, but in others, he hadn't been, until people looked at him with pity and sadness that made Howon angry and depressed and just done with life. He hated it, absolutely detested it, and yet, it still continued to happen, even when he didn't want it to. 

 

However, the nurse just chuckled at him as he went to reply, smile still on his face, quite bright and warm, almost too warm even, "Well, yeah, I can only get you stuff like that now since I'm on shift and I can't leave. But whenever I'm off, I may be able to bring you something if you're good and are doing everything that the doctor says. Something I heard from a few of the other nurses that you don't really like to do, but I’m sure with the right motivation, that could easily change, you know!"

 

Eyes widening a bit at the other's words but not exactly disturbed or embarrassed by what the other was saying, especially about him not following the rules, Howon could only hone in on the fact that Myungsoo was actually going to get him junk food from a vending machine if he had wanted. And that if he was good, he could possibly get something from outside the hospital too. 

 

Two things that seemed a bit impossible as the other nurses he had had done nothing but check his vitals and occasionally talk to him about how he was feeling or making empty promises that they couldn't keep. So giving an incredulous, "You'd really get me some chips if I wanted or even a candy bar if I asked nicely," he didn't expect for Myungsoo to reply with a grin:

 

"I wouldn't say anything if I couldn't do such a thing. And seeing how sad and down you look, it looks as if you need a little pick me up. And just knowing how bland hospital food can be and how food should be enjoyed instead of just eaten to get nutrients, I thought it would be a good idea to ask that. Plus, who really enjoys hospital food?" 

 

Unable to stop himself from nodding, he didn't expect the other to continue on, a little bit softer this time, a little less happy, as Myungsoo muttered, "And I just kind of wanted you to like me a bit as well... You're my first patient... And I really don't want you to hate me... Even if you're like that way with others. I want you to trust me."

 

Incredulous as the other had went one, baring a little bit of his soul, Howon quietly asked, his voice soft but filled with confusion, "Like you a bit? You just wanted me to like you a bit? That's absurd, why would you need me to like you?" 

 

"Because if you liked me, then things would just be better, wouldn't they? I mean, if you liked me and I liked you, then at least you would have someone on your side that you could talk to if needed. I may be a nurse, but I can be a friend as well."  

 

Shaking his head at the odd, but genuinely kind nurse as he took in the other's sheepish, yet warm smile still slightly tinged with insecurity, Howon could only mutter, "If you get me some M&Ms, I'll like you forever."

 

Eyes lighting up a bit, Myungsoo smiled, "Of course."

 

 

      

 

Howon almost laughs when he smells the sweet aroma of sweet pea by his bed, the aroma so strong that it almost covers up the smell of pain, death, and disinfectant that inhabits every room of the hospital. A smell so suffocating that it almost makes Howon feel as if he could barely breathe, his eyes stinging from how strong it is sometimes, while it clings to his clothes as if he's been doused with it. The stench is so strong that it feels as if it's the only thing that he knows, unused to anything else, and it kind of is in many ways as his body deteriorates by the day, getting to the point that he's barely skin and bones. 

 

The smell is even worse than the pain that lines his joints and muscles, rendering him unable to do anything other than stay in bed and rest, becoming useless as the world continues to spin despite his sickness getting worse. A fact that he's had to get used to ever since he was diagnosed with cancer and started undergoing chemotherapy, only to find out that it had just made his body bleed with so much pain that he could barely move and leave him nauseous to the point where food is almost impossible to keep down. The cancer continuously doing its best to rip through him as if it had nothing better to do but metaphorically smile in glee as it loves to wreak havoc on Howon's insides.

 

The chemotherapy completely useless in his battle against the cancer that plagues him, a battle that Howon's been losing for over a year now. A battle that Howon knows he isn't going to win, despite wanting nothing more than to do just that.

 

So when the smell hits him, nose twitching at the sweet smell of it, so completely different than what he's been smelling on a daily basis, he can't help but smile at the smell... At the thoughts that cross his mind. No one has left him flowers like this for ages, has even thought to leave him flowers for the past couple of months. Everyone eventually leaving him to his own devices as they continued to live their lives, while Howon was chained to a bed and forced to slowly die. His existence waning by the day, except towards the nurses and doctors that would work on him and the small amount of friends that still continued to contact him through letters, short visits, and the little trinkets that would do nothing but make him smile fondly before holding his chest in pain. Only for him to feel worse a couple of hours later, depression overtaking him again. 

 

Slowly opening his eyes and looking at the small table near his bed, flowers placed in a small vase with a small piece of cardstock with his name written on it before them, he reaches out to grab it and read what it has to say:

 

 

 

Wondering about who had given him the flowers for a moment, only for the 'M' to flash in his mind with an image of Myungsoo accompanying it, he can't help but be amazed. His chest cavity feeling unnaturally warm at the gesture, at how much the other actually cared.  Especially since it had taken him a few days to warm up to the other and stop being such a sarcastic bastard to him, the other going above and beyond his duties, making him feel as if he was constantly misjudging him with every new thing that he was finding out about him. 

 

Myungsoo not going back on his promises, sneaking him in some real food on occasion, even going so far to get him some bubble tea and some of the healthier options at a few fast food places that Howon hasn't been to in ages. The other easily spending a good amount of time speaking to him and getting to know him unlike the other nurses that he had been given to him in the past. Myungsoo slowly getting him to open up and talk to him, the nurse becoming someone he could even say was becoming a friend.

 

Myungsoo's smile and kind nature making him feel happier and more stable than he had felt in days, something that he had felt had been impossible a week or so before, but didn't seem so much now.

 

Flipping the card over to the back to see if the other had written anything else, he noticed a small afterthought at the bottom of the cardstock, writing neat, yet cute, it read:

 

 

Biting his lip at the words, tracing them with his fingers, still touched beyond belief, he was too engrossed in his thoughts to notice Myungsoo come in until the other was brightly asking, "You like the flowers?"

 

Unable to say much due to the feeling of something clogging his throat, making it almost impossible to even comment back, that he slowly found himself nodding towards the question, finally able to answer the other without looking like a fool. The gesture easily causing the nurse to smile even brighter, teeth so shiny, white, and perfect that it made his stomach pleasantly churn, so much so that he couldn't help but quickly advert his eyes at the reaction. It's been years since he's felt anything akin to like that he can't help but be a little glad at how oblivious Myungsoo seems to be, too focused on taking care of him to not notice anything else. 

 

It feels odd when his heart rate increases, but not unwelcomed.

 

 

  

 

"So what did you do before this?" Myungsoo softly asks as he changes the IV in Howon's arm. The other barely flinching when Myungsoo switches the needles and sets up another saline drip for his quiet, yet slightly grumpy patient.

 

Howon only able to quietly direct his attention to his hands, head bowed, as he grunts, "Was in a band; played the bass and wrote music. Could have made it big if I had wanted... Could have been a star, possibly someone that you could have listened to."

 

Intrigued, Myungsoo softly asks, "Yeah?" as he finishes up what he is doing to look at Howon with kind, warm eyes, pity nowhere in sight. 

 

"Yeah. We played in some local coffee shops and a scout had wanted to sign us on to a record label, the guy being impressed by our work, despite being young, you know?"

 

Nodding towards the question, Myungsoo can only gesture for him to continue, wondering what the other had been doing before had been admitted to the hospital, before the cancer had taken everything away from him and had left him like this, body sick and tired. It was a thought that Myungsoo didn't really venture that much into as he didn't want to think about his patient dying, about how he only had so much time left, stage four cancer literally stealing his breaths by the hour, but by how much life he still had in him instead.

 

"He had really liked our songs, but had ultimately fallen for our singer's voice, Kim Sunggyu. He sings a lot of OSTs, does a lot of rock music, and occasionally a musical here and there. Weird combination, I know, but he's always been interested in rock music, and after a while, he wanted to do something different and musicals were the way to do that."

 

"Ah, the guy with the bright red hair and eyeliner? The guy that went on 'The Genius?'"

 

"Yeah, that's him. Grumpy guy, but overall he's a great friend and is one of the only people that actually manages to keep in contact with me. He's the one that writes those letters all the time or sends me those little trinkets over there." Howon says as he points to a table that held a few tourist-y type items that had showed the few places that Sunggyu had went to.

 

An interesting assortment that Myungsoo had been intrigued about, but now made sense. It was nice to know that Howon still had someone that cared for him, even if he didn't get to visit him that often. 

 

"Ah, well that's good that he still cares so much about you, but his taste in gifts are a little less desirable though." Myungsoo gave with another smile, a smile that Howon felt was too blinding sometimes and made it seem as if he was looking straight into the sun. Myungsoo's sunny disposition almost contagious, while his laughter and smile were almost diabetes inducing with how sweet he seemed to be. 

 

It even made his stomach tie in knots too, but he usually blames that on the drugs whenever it had happened, unable to deal with his feelings, not ready to deal with them just yet.

 

"Yeah, he's always been like that. But it's the thought that counts really, but really, if you think his selection in presents are bad, you should see what he used to wear back in our coffee shop days."

 

"What did he wear?"

 

"Lots and lots of plaid, ugly shirts with animals on them, and a few other unspeakable things."

 

Eyes turning into little crescents, Myungsoo can't help but teasingly ask, "What's wrong with plaid?" 

 

"Nothing really, but when you have more than three shirts, it's a sickness." Howon gave with a serious face that made Myungsoo put his hand on his heart and gasp, tone light, "Plaid's a glorious pattern and definitely something that you can't have enough of."

 

"If you're in high school, yeah, but in your twenties? Not so much, but it's gotten a lot better through the years, so there is that."

 

"Hmmm, Howon, I think you would hate what's in my closet then, it's filled with plaid. Plaid and black."

 

"Well, you may need to throw out some of your shirts then, because having more than three is a travesty that shouldn't be made," Howon sarcastically says, unable to stop himself from doing so, before he's giving the other a slightly confused expression as he goes on to ask, "Why the black though? Do you really like it that much? I mean, even your scrubs are black and I'm sure you scare quite a few people whenever you wear them."

 

Myungsoo can only shrug as he sheepishly rubs the back of his neck, slightly embarrassed, "Yeah, I don't know, I just like it a lot. I mean whenever I go shopping, I just always end up getting black clothes or things like fedoras or plaid shirts. The shade just speaks to me I guess. And they have nothing to fear really, I'm really nice."

 

Not going to argue with the latter since Howon did think the other was nice, but unable to stop himself from going on to tease the other, comfortable with doing so, he softly pats the other's arm as he can't help but give, "You definitely have a problem then, you may have to get checked out for that... I mean, having all that plaid can't be that good, might be a sign that you need some help, you know? And they really shouldn't... But maybe you should stick to those Hello Kitty ones I saw you in last time. Even if they were black, Hello Kitty was able to soften the effects."

 

Unable to stop himself from blushing, especially since he did have some other cute character scrubs, Myungsoo can only mutter, even more embarrassed than he had been seconds ago, "Those aren't mine, I borrowed those, seriously, I did." 

 

While Howon could only give him a look of disbelief, unfooled by the other's words, especially when he was turning completely red at the thought, he managed to give, "Yeah, right, but don't worry, they suit you though. Makes you look cute."

 

Cheeks turning even more pink, Myungsoo can't help but mutter, "Not cool man, not cool," that he can't help but be surprised when Howon actually starts to laugh a second later. The sound so magical to his ears that it causes Myungsoo to avert his attention back to the other, a small smile of amazement appearing on his face as he did so. His eyes filling with a fondness that hadn't been there weeks ago when he had first started being Howon's nurse; a fondness that could easily lead to happiness and love and emotions that Myungsoo didn't really need to be dealing with, but was actually dealing with despite the need for him to stay professional.

 

He could only quietly listen to the sound for a few more seconds, only for the laughter to break up into somewhat painful gasps and coughing, that Myungsooo quickly attended to by giving the other a glass of water. While Howon could only grab the glass with shaking hands before taking a few gulps as Myungsoo softly told him to take it easy and take small sips so that he wouldn't throw up. Howon doing so until the ache in his chest had slowly decreased and he was able to breathe a little bit easier again, even if he felt completely drained.

 

Seeing his patient's shoulders droop a little and the other's tired eyes, Myungsoo could only carefully take the glass away before pushing the other down onto the bed. His voice soft to the other's ears as he softly said, "You're okay now, okay. You're okay, just keep on breathing in and out, alright?"

 

While Howon could only nod and turn to face Myungsoo with a now tired smile, jokes over as he muttered, "Thanks."

 

Myungsoo could only nod as he tucked the other in to let Howon rest for the rest of the day before quietly making his way out of the room. His shoulders dropping as he let exhaustion run across his face before wiping his hand across his eyes, eyes almost red hot to the touch. He could only take a somewhat shaky breath, letting his worries and emotions consume him for a moment before digging his fingers into the palm of his hands and squaring his shoulders as he quickly pulled himself together.

 

He still had some rounds to do.  

  

 

 

 

Myungsoo eyes can't help but fall upon Howon as he finds himself distracted by the other man while he's doing his rounds. His patient's features are filled with pain, eyebrows furrowed from it, while a light sheen of sweat is collecting across his brows, that Myungsoo's heart can't help but hurt a little at the sight. Despite the fact that it shouldn't and he should be able to go about his day without feeling like this, but when he notices the other's pain medications wearing off and seeing the other like this, unable to do anything but let his body slowly kill him, Myungsoo can't help but feel what he does. Even if he shouldn't.

 

 

Worry etching across his face and hands starting to shake a bit as he's finishing his report, he can't help but look at the time and almost sigh in relief.  He can finally alleviate the other's pain by being quick about administering the man's medications so Howon doesn't have to suffer anymore than he should, that he manages one last look around the room before he's going to the nurses' station to grab what he needs. It doesn’t take long to find him next to Howon's bed a moment later to give the man the correct dosage of morphine, letting it filter into the IV and into his blood stream, before it's able to take effect. 

 

Seeing Howon's brow straighten out and his features soften a bit as the hour wore on, the other man not once waking from his slumber, Myungsoo can't help but let out a sigh of relief. Glad that Howon was going to get a good rest of sleep that night, that Myungsoo can only quietly stalk out of the room, unable to stop himself from feeling things that he probably shouldn't be.

 

Myungsoo was falling in love and it was pretty safe to say that Myungsoo was getting more and more attached. 

 

   

 

 

"Don't laugh if this , alright? I haven't played this in months." Howon muttered as he quietly looked down at his bass, his face looking a bit red, almost as if he was blushing. The gesture easily causing Myungsoo to hide a small chuckle behind his hands, mentally cataloguing the look, unable to stop his heart from beating a little bit faster at the sight. 

 

"Don't worry, I won't. I'm sure you'll sound amazing."

 

Able to hear Myungsoo's grin in his voice, a voice that sent little tingles down his spine and made him feel stupid but wonderful all at once, Howon couldn't help but nod.

 

Eyes quickly finding the other's, taking in the warmth, sincerity, and an emotion he couldn't exactly place, Howon couldn't help but look away. The emotion was dark like chocolate and felt like desire, something that he knew couldn't be true, his mind obviously playing tricks on him, that Howon ended up grunting a little before finally muttering, "We'll see."

 

Myungsoo could only wait patiently for the other to start strumming his bass, only for Howon to take one last deep breath and let his fingers dance along the strings a second later. Soft yet playful music was emitted from it that as Howon began humming a soft, melodious tune, Myungsoo couldn't help but almost take a step back in response, knees feeling weak.

 

Almost mesmerized by the other's skill as Howon continued to play, barely any mistakes as he did so, and his face showing emotions that Myungsoo wasn't used to seeing made Myungsoo's heart clench a little at the sight. Because while Myungsoo was used to Howon's soft smiles, his snark, and usually grumpy faces, this look was new.

 

Howon looked happy and content and just seemed to be in harmony for what seemed like the longest time in his life. And being able to see such a thing, to see the other softly smile like that as he continued to strum, overtaken by music, it was a sight to see. A sight that made Myungsoo wish that Howon wasn't dying, that he wasn't waiting for the medication to lose effect and his body to start disintegrating at a rate that his mind couldn't keep up with.

 

A sight that Myungsoo was dreading the longer he worked with the other man.

 

But not wanting to go that route and think about such depressing things, Myungsoo quickly shook his head to dispel the thought and continue to listen to the music that Howon was making. The music that Myungsoo would never be able to hear again, because a week later, Howon would be too tired to do such a thing.

 

 

 

 

"You know this isn't healthy, right?" A voice whispered into his ear, causing Myungsoo to jump, startled.

 

Looking over to see Dongwoo give him a pointed stare and frown, a look that he had never been directed at him, he couldn't help but stiffen until he was ramrod straight. His hands clenching themselves into fists as he whispered, voice high, but soft, "I'm not doing anything wrong."

 

Only for Dongwoo to give him a look, eyebrow raised as he was able to read Myungsoo like an open book, "Are you sure? Because as I see it, you're getting attached to your patient in there and you're feeling much more than friendship, aren't you?"

 

Biting his lip at the other's words, never one to be a good liar, but was going to lie anyway so he could get the other man to drop the subject, he uttered the words, "No, I'm not. He's just my patient, nothing more." 

 

Only for Dongwoo cross his arms as he was able to read Myungsoo like a book, he couldn't help but ask, "Then why do you spend so much time with him off duty or sneak him snacks on occasion? Why are you looking over him now? Don't you have others to take care of as well."

 

Body going even more rigid than he had been before, his body almost to the point of snapping in two from the tension, Myungsoo could only shake his head and whisper, "I'm really not. I really don't like him like that, I can't. And-and don't worry, I've already done my rounds."

 

Dongwoo could only give him another pointed look, silently telling Myungsoo that he was stupid and if he actually thought that, then he was lying to himself. Myungsoo just felt even worse at the look Dongwoo was giving him.

 

"It's obvious Myungsoo that you like him and that you care about him a lot more than what you're saying right now. And it's not like anyone doesn't know either, but Mr. Lee in there looks like a million bucks lately and he's looking like that because of you, and because of that, we're not going to keep you away from him. He might be dying, but at least he's not catatonic like he was going to drive himself to be a couple of months or so ago. So just accept what you're going through and keep yourself from attaching yourself to him anymore."

 

Eyes widening at the other's admission and wanting to curse himself for being so stupid, for being so obvious, Myungsoo looked anywhere but at the man in front of him. Embarrassment and anger running through his veins at being caught so easily, at letting him get to this point, at them letting him do what he was doing.

 

But Howon was Howon and after months of caring for him, of talking to him, and liking him, it was hard not to fall for such a beautiful man. The other's heart so grand, so golden, and pure that it made it quite easy for him to fall for him and feel emotions that he shouldn't be feeling. An attachment growing between the two and bonding them, a bond that Myungsoo shouldn't be having.

 

He shouldn't be feeling this way and seeing Dongwoo give him that look, that look that was slowly turning into pity and worry for him, a look he hated more than anything, Myungsoo could only turn to him, suddenly angry, "But how do you do that Dongwoo? How can I keep myself from getting even more attached when I feel my heart becoming more so by the hour? How can you stop?"

 

Eyes darkening at his words, Dongwoo could only take a step closer to him and grip his shoulder, grounding him as he softly stated, "I don't know, but you have to stop before it gets worst. Because you may be fine now, but what's going to happen when he dies? What's going to happen when he finally stops breathing and you see him there, lying in his bed, dead? What then? What are you going to do?"

 

Chest feeling cold, Myungsoo could only turn away and mutter, "I don't know, Dongwoo. I don't know, and it's not like I can stop either. Howon's Howon and that's something I can't do, don't know how to do. So I just can't do what you're saying, what you're telling me, understand that?"

 

Tightening his hold on the other man as he squeezed the other's shoulder until it almost hurt, he could only say, "I don't know either Myungsoo, but you either learn how to stop caring, or you keep this to yourself and continue on just as you've always done. You're his nurse and that's all it's going to be, okay?"

 

Letting out a shaky breath, shoulders hunching in on themselves at Dongwoo's harsh words, at reality, Myungsoo could only mutter, "I will, so don't worry about me, I can take care of myself, alright?"

 

Not convinced, but knowing that he couldn't say much more, Dongwoo softly whispered back, "Alright."

 

 

 

 

Hearing the other's laugh ring throughout the room; loud, booming, and infectious, the other's laugh making him want to smile and laugh too. A laugh that made his insides hurt and his stomach feel as if it was twisting in on itself and making him feel more than a bit sick with happiness, an emotion that Howon had associated with the nurse in front of him. His mind telling him to give into that happiness and bask in it until he couldn't do so anymore, he could only clutch his sides in response, softly laughing too. 

 

A feeling of love, of wanting, of desire consuming him until that's all he could feel. A feeling that he was finally accepting after everything he had been denying for months now and just letting himself feel without letting anything else taint it. A feeling that he had never wanted to feel before his death, but was feeling because Myungsoo had gotten under his skin and dug himself so deep until that's all Howon knew.

 

Howon wanted him. He wanted everything that Myungsoo had to give and then some. He wanted Myungsoo in ways that he hadn't wanted anyone, because Myungsoo made him feel things that he hadn't felt in ages. 

 

He wanted, wanted, and wanted and then wanted Myungsoo some more.

 

But his days were numbered and there was barely any time left to do anything about it except wear his heart on his sleeve and hope that he didn't die, despite his body telling him that it was going to do so every day. 

 

He hoped that a miracle would happen, would be able to save him in the end, but miracles didn't exist, no matter how much Howon wanted to believe. 

 

Life was incredibly cruel.

 

 

 

 

"Kiss me. Please, kiss me, Myungsoo." Howon whispers as he turns his head just enough for the other to see his eyes, intention loud and clear underneath the dull sheen of sickness and pain. His body finally shutting down on him as it becomes too difficult to keep fighting that losing battle of survival that he had been fighting for what seemed like years now, his body taking the ultimate beating and being unable to recover.

 

His time having finally run out and all he could do was accept the losses and do what he could before he was going to lose everything, unable to do much about it at all. But before he could go to sleep and find himself falling into an endless, deep abyss that was ready to swallow him up whole. A feeling that was becoming more and more apparent by the minute that he couldn't help but feel that this was it, that this was his last chance to do what he wanted before he couldn't anymore, this was his last chance.

 

This was his D-Day and if he didn't do this now, then he would already be dead.

 

So feeling tears fall from his eyes and a heaviness in his chest that he hadn't felt before, he couldn't help but continue to whisper with wavering strength, "Kiss me, please. Please just kiss me, please..."

 

"Okay, Howon, okay." Myungsoo can't help but whisper as he silently gets closer to him, his own tears falling fromhis eyes as he shakily takes Howon's cold, clammy hands in his, lightly kissing the other's palm before bending down to meet his patient's lips. His breath warm against Howon's mouth and the slight smell of flowers, disinfectant, and something that was all Myungsoo slowly embraces Howon in a small, warm cocoon as he finally meet's the other's lips.

 

Soft and wet with tears, but oh so sweet as Myungsoo softly moves his lips against the other's, causing Howon to kiss back with all he has, Myungsoo letting him lead the kiss. The nurse interlacing their fingers together and sighing into the older man's mouth, almost melting into it as tears steadily continued to flow down his cheeks, hitting Howon's until all Howon could taste was salt and Myungsoo, beautiful, beautiful Myungsoo. 

 

The man that captured his heart, that had made him feel alive again after years of feeling nothing but depression and death, he can't help but cry even worse.

 

It may not have been the best kiss he's ever had in his life, Myungsoo's lips a little bit clumsy against his, despite the nurse letting him lead this, it was beyond memorable anyway as he felt Myungsoo's lips upon his, bruising them and marking him like he had always wanted. Almost as if Myungsoo had wanted and loved him just as much as Howon did to him. That when the two finally broke apart and Howon fell asleep that night, beyond tired but happy, the machine flatlining in the morning, Howon still smiling when Myungsoo had come in, frown on his face and another set of tears in his eyes, Howon was able to pass away in peace. 

 

Howon had been happy, had actually felt something other than pain and destruction, and that was more than important, even if he had ripped Myungsoo's heart out of his chest. 

 

 

 

 

Myungsoo can only silently let a few stray tears trail down his cheeks, his eyes red and puffy, and his face lit up with a mess of emotions as he grips the bouquet in his hand a little bit tighter. Knuckles turning white from the pressure of holding onto the sweet pea a bit too tight, he can't help but remember the short but unforgettable time he had with Howon. The memories so strong that it takes all of his strength to not break down and cry.

 

Because as he falls to his knees a moment later, whispering, "I love you's" for the first time since he had met the other man, unable to tell the other his feelings before his timely death, he can only set the bouquet of flowers down. Situating them under Howon's name and taking great care to not ruin the flowers more than he already had done so from his hold, he took another deep breath to settle his turbulent emotions. Forcing a small smile to grace his features as that was something he was sure Howon would have wanted him to do instead of crying, he let his fingers trail along the indents spaced along the stone as he read: "Lee Howon. Rest in Peace. 1991-2016."

 

Myungsoo can only bite his lip to keep himself from crying out and sobbing into his hands.

 

Lee Howon might have started off as his patient, a person that he had to take care of because of his job, but after months of getting to know the other man, Myungsoo had fallen in love. His presence doing more than he ever thought possible, because for a man on the brink of giving up, Myungsoo had been able to give him one last gift, the ability to become cheerful and full of life, to bloom one last time. But to Myungsoo who had done nothing but do his best, he was given something much better, even if it was a bit painful to bear.

 

Because while he had been able to breathe some life into Howon's world, Myungsoo got to broaden his with that of a man that had made him happy... Had made him breathless. 

 

Howon had stolen his heart, had ripped it out of his chest, but despite doing so, he had cared for it more than anyone else. 

 

Howon had loved him, had cherished him, and because of that, Myungsoo didn't want to forget. 

 

Howon may have died, but he would always live on in Myungsoo's heart. Because despite it all, Howon had made him love him, had made him feel things he had never felt for anyone, and had returned all of those feelings to him, despite how painful it had been for the other, knowing that he only had as much time as life would allow. 

 

Life may have been cruel, but at least it had given Howon this, and that was more than enough.