Yongguk 26
Himchan 26

With U

Yongguk suddenly woke to a dark room, his body shook from the cold despite the sweat running down his forehead. His breath was short and labored, as if his throat was closing up and no longer allowing him to breathe. His heart felt as if it was going to jump out of his chest the way it was beating. He jumped when there was movement next to him. He turned to see Himchan mumble in his sleep.

He got out of the bed so that he wouldn't disturb Himchan from his sleep. The last thing he wanted was Himchan to worry about him. He could deal with this himself. At least, that's what he had been telling himself every time he would wake up in a cold sweat, unable to breathe and calm down. He had been telling himself that he would be fine, that he could take care of it on his own but after a month of telling himself that, he wasn't getting any better.

He walked out of their bedroom, holding the wall and his chest as he walked to the kitchen. He the light over the stove to avoid bringing too much attention to himself. Instead of sitting in one of the chairs in the living room, he sat down on the cold kitchen floor, resting his back on the cold steel of the refrigerator. He hung his head low, holding it in his hands as he shut his eyes, letting the tears that formed run down his face. The panic attack hadn't gotten any better at least here he was far enough that Himchan couldn't hear him.

He tried to calm himself down but it wasn't working. All the worry and fear rushed down on him like a waterfall. He didn't know what to do to make it better. He felt helpless.

“Yongguk?”

Himchan's voice caused Yongguk to raise his head and lock eyes with his husband. He felt guilty when he saw the worried look on Himchan's face. This wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want to worry Himchan but now there wasn't anything that he could do.

Himchan rushed over to Yongguk. He had never seen his husband in such a state. It scared him.

“Yongguk, what's wrong?” Himchan asked as he knelt in front of Yongguk. He reached out and took Yongguk's hands in his. “Guk, you're scaring me.”

“Channie....” Yongguk managed to say.

“I'm here.” Himchan said. He let go of Yongguk's hands so that he could wrapped arms around Yongguk, hugging him, holding him close. “I'm here.” He whispered.

Yongguk rested his head on Himchan's chest. He could hear Himchan's steady heartbeat. He closed his eyes and listened to it's rhythm, focusing on Himchan's breathing. His breathing and heartbeat started slowly to fall into sync with Himchan's.

They stayed silent for a while until Yongguk spoke first.

“I'm sorry.” He said softly, his voice meek.

Himchan pulled back so that he could get a better view of his husband. He frowned at the helpless look on Yongguk's face. Himchan cupped Yongguk's face so that Yongguk could look at him directly.

“Why are you apologizing?” Himchan asked.

Yongguk wanted to look away so that Himchan couldn't see the guilt in his face but he couldn't. Himchan wouldn't let him.

“I scared you.” Yongguk said softly.

“I was at first but then I realized you were having a panic attack.”

Yongguk's eyes slightly widened. “How did you know?”

A small smile appeared on Himchan's face. “Because I've had panic attacks before.”

A soft “oh” escaped Yongguk's lips. He looked down and blinked.

“Yongguk...” Himchan said causing his husband to look back at him. “Was this...your first episode?” Once again, Yongguk looked down. This time in shame. He could lie and tell him that it was but he knew that he shouldn't.

Himchan frowned when Yongguk simply shook his head. “How many have you had?”

“A lot.” Yongguk breathed.

“Why didn't you tell me?”

“I...I didn't want to burden you.” Yongguk said, his eyes still fixed on Himchan's knees, not daring to look back at his husband. He didn't want Himchan to see the shame and guilt in his face.

“Hey.” Himchan lowered his head a little so that he could lock eyes once again with Yongguk. “Hey. Don't ever think for once that you are a burden to me. I'm your husband, remember? I'm here for better or for worse. We're a team. You should be able to come to me with anything. I'm here for you to lean on. To be your rock when you need it.”

“But...”

“No buts. I'm going to be with you every step of the way. If you want, I will go with you to get treatment. You don't have to go through this by yourself.” Himchan said.

Yongguk smiled softly. “Thank you Channie.”

Himchan brought his lips to Yongguk's forehead, kissing it. “What do you say that we both take the day off of work tomorrow? We could go find treatment for you tomorrow then spend the rest of the day in bed, doing nothing. Away from the world. Just you and me.”

“I'd like that.” Yongguk wrapped his arms around Himchan's waist. He pulled Himchan to sit next to him so he could comfortably rest his head on his husband's shoulder. He closed his eyes and exhaled. “Can we stay like this for a bit?”

Himchan ran his hand up Yongguk's arm. He leaned in and kissed the top of Yongguk's head. “We can stay like this for as long as you want. I'm not going anywhere. I'm with you. Always.”

So yeah.  I whipped this up real quick today.  Obviously this wasn't planned but the news of Yongguk being diagnosed with panic disorder this just popped into my head.  I don't know.  I just felt like I needed to do something to show my support for him.  And I can't draw, so I wrote.  And I don't know if I did a good job or if this is insensitive of me to have written it.  I have suffered from panic attacks before but I've never gotten to the point where Yongguk is right now.  

There is so much to be said right now.  I know a lot of fans are worried and confused.  All we can do right now is send love and support to the guys.  And let's make sure that we fully support Noir with all of our love.  Yongguk will get better with the proper treatment and with enough time.  So don't worry, everything is going to be okay.  Yongguk will be fine.