The next morning, at around ten, my father and I went to SM Entertainment to meet up the manager and the head director of the photo shoot for ELLE magazine. We were sitting in the meeting room as we waited for Super Junior's manager and Donghae oppa. I was nervous. I didn’ know how I’d face Donghae. The way he just stared at me yesterday, it made feel like I’m the most disgusting person living.

My dad suddenly spoke, "Are you sure you're comfortable with the concept?" he asked me

I nodded, "It's just a May-December concept, dad" I tell him, "Besides, this isn't the first time I would be doing a shoot with Donghae oppa"

"You didn't tell me Aiden was a member of a Korean boy group" he tell me and then I flash him an awkward smile, "By the way. You seem to be close with this man. How long have you known him for?"

I think, "I told you, he's a really close friend of mine, which means, I’ve known him for quite some time now"

"How did you two meet? I thought he was in college?"

"He is. He's still finishing" Okay, I know telling lies are bad but I didn’t have a choice.

Suddenly, the doors open and I see Donghae with his eyes glued to the floor. I stared at the table. I didn’t want things to be awkward. The manager was with another man. He was . . . well, he looked fashionable. With his fur coat that hung on his forearm and his stylish hat, he flashed us a smile.   

“Good morning, Mr. Lee!” the manager greets, “And hello, Max” the manager smiles at me

I stand and take a bow, “Annyeong!”

“Good morning, manager!” my dad extends his hand out to me

“Mr. Lee, this Mr. Gu Shin Hyeon, he will be in charge of the photo shoot Donghae and Max will be in” he introduced

“Hello, there!” he smiled, “Mr. Lee, I’m so excited to work with your daughter!” he was . . . jolly. I couldn’t help but smile at him.

My father smiles, “Shall we discuss the contract?”

We talked about the concept and how this will be a great impact to those who will read it. The concept was a Ma-December relationship. It’s when a man is older by many years from the woman he’s in love with. There are many famous couples with big s, like Avril Lavigne and her boyfriend.

“Max, I’ve seen your photos for SPAO and I have to say that the camera loves you” Mr. Gu tells me

I bow slightly, “Kamsamnida” I smiled

“I hear you don’t want this as a career. Is that true?” he asked me

I nodded, “I’m not really into this type of field so . . . I’m just doing this because . . . well . . . it would help Donghae oppa” I answer and glanced at Donghae who sat across me. I saw him looking at me. His expression was plain.

“Hon, are you sure? Your audience impact is really impressive, especially for someone who isn’t even professional”

“People gave me attention because I was with Donghae oppa and the rest of Super Junior. It wasn’t me. It was all Donghae oppa’s doing. They gave me attention, well, most of them negative” I defend. It was true. I wasn’t noticed because I was good at modeling. I was noticed because of Donghae.

He smiled at me, “I like you. I was you were my sister” he said. By the way, he’s gay.

I smiled back, “Thank you, sir”

He then handed me a long folder where my contract was written. All legal settlements and the payment. It was written in English and once I consulted my dad and he read it as well, I signed the contract with ELLE Korea. Donghae did the same after I signed.

“I’m going to see you very, very soon, Max” Mr. Gu stands and I do as well. He leans across the table and then he hug.

“Thank you, sir” I smiled as we pulled away

As he closed the door behind him, the manager turned to my father and said, “Mr. Lee, shall we discuss the next order of business? With brandy, perhaps?”

My father nods and then turns to me, “Why don’t you and Donghae go somewhere?” he tells me. WAIT, MY FATHER”S ALLOWING ME?! REALLY?!

“Donghae, why don’t you bring Max out?” the manger spoke

 Donghae and I looked at each other and then he stood up and then just flashed a smile at me, “Would you like to . . .?” he wasn’t able to finish his sentence and just rubbed his nape.

I gave him a smile, “I’d love to”

So, Donghae and I were walking side by side, not talking but just breathing the same air. I know at this moment . . . any girl would kill and die for my place but as ideal as it would sound like . . . it wasn’t. I was confused and scared because I didn’t want to hurt Donghae. Though, I haven’t decided on whether I should reject him or not. I assume you would tell me not to. There was a nearby playground and we were there. There were no kids. Just us two. No one to disturb us. No one to take pictures of us. No one to report that we were there “dating”, even though we aren’t.

“About yesterday . . .” I started, “Oppa . . . I---“ “Don’t force yourself, Max” he cuts me off and then I look at him. He looks down at me with a smile.

We walked towards the swing and I sat on one of them. Donghae went behind me, slowly pushing me, “Don’t force yourself to say anything”

I had my eyes ahead of me but my mind on the man behind me, “Oppa . . . I was just shocked at what you told me. I mean, this doesn’t seem real to me. You’re an idol and I’m just me” I said in a faint tone.

“It is” he says, “I know this is all too weird for you . . . I’m older and you’re younger . . .”

“It’s not about the age” I reason out

“But that’s a factor”

“Max . . . I like you because you’re just you. That’s exactly why I like you. Because you’re you. You’re young yet you’re mature.”

I was touched. I never had a man tell me that he likes me for me, “Even though I seem like I’m mature, I still have a side where I’d act like a kid”

“I know” he stops pushing the swing and then kneels in front of me, “That’s why I’m willing to be by your side. I’m willing to teach you things so that you won’t make mistakes”

“I wouldn’t be able to learn if that’s the case” and then he just looks at me. I swallow, “I’m not rejecting you. I mean, who am I to do so? You’re Lee Donghae” I say

“I don’t want you to . . . reconsider this because I’m an idol. I don’t want our relationship to be based on what society might say against us. It’ll be just the two of us. No fans, no manager, no contracts, no nothing. I’m a simple guy. Simple Lee Donghae. If I have to give up what I have for you, I’d do it”

“Don’t” I close my eyes and then smile, “I can’t bear not seeing you dance up there” I tell him. More than anything else, I know I can figure it all out. I don’t need to rush. I’m fifteen.

“I’m serious”

“I know you are” I touch his hair, “But I don’t want you to do that” I smiled down at him, “I’m thankful for you, oppa. I’m thankful because you’re here with me. I feel so lucky that I’m this girl you like” I cupped his face and then I looked at him, “But I want you to think this over. Do you really want me? Do you really like me? I want you to think about it. I want you to be sure about this choice. I don’t want us to get hurt”

“I won’t hurt you. I promise”

“That’s what they all say” I tell him, “Just think about it first. Don’t rush” I smile at him. I gave him a smile. A smile that made him smile as well. If Donghae oppa sees me as someone who’s mature, I’m going to show him that I’m being mature about this.

We stayed there until the sun went down, not caring of the time. We enjoyed our time together. We enjoyed each other. As young as I am, I’m not an exception for mistakes and falling in love. I’m not saying that falling in love is a mistake but some of the choices in love are.

If I take my time in thinking about how Donghae feels, I may be able to be wise enough to know that we can never be. I may think of what’s best for the both of us. I don’t want to rush. I’d never want to do that. I’d never want to force something that wasn’t meant to happen.

As we walked back, we see Super Junior’s black SUV, “They’re here” he says

I looked at him and then back at the van. My heart raced as I saw that familiar figure. Even in the dark, I know it’s him. His bag was on his shoulder and he ran his fingers through his hair. He looked so amazing.

“Max, wanna hangout with us?” Donghae asked me

I wanted to but then I thought about my dad, “My dad’s probably waiting, oppa” I said, “Maybe next time”

“I’ll walk you there”

By car, it takes you an hour to get to our place but, walking with Donghae, we were so slow. I enjoyed it, “You like reading?” he asked me

I nodded, “Yes. Adult books” I blushed. I think he might think I’m some sort of erted fifteen-year old girl. Which, I’m not.

He raised a brow “Adult books? Like . . .”

“Yup” I nodded, “Like ‘Fifty Shades of Grey and Bared To You” I said

“You’re allowed?”

“They don’t know” I was referring to my parents

“Is it good?”

“Which one?”

“The books you read”

“It’s . . . educational”

“In what way?”

“About the reproductive system” yes, fifteen and I’m acting as if I’m eighteen. Talking like one, thinking like one but not so much of acting like one, “You should read Fifty Shades of Grey” I whispered.

“What is it about?”

I shook my head, “I don’t want to spoil you” I looked ahead of me, “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure”

“Kyuhyun and Seohyun . . . are they really?” I was too hurt to even mention the word

“In love?”

“Yes” I whisper the answer

He breathed in, “Seohyun’s really good at what she’s good at. She’s really talented and sweet and caring, too”

I raised a brow at him, “Are you making me feel worse?”

“Aniyo!” he defended, “I was just saying why Kyuhyun likes her”

I buried my hands in my pockets, “I can be sweet, too and caring”

“Seohyun’s almost twenty-five”

“So, it’s the age thing?”

“It’s the maturity thing”

“What, I’m immature?”

“No. But it’ just that . . . Ugh!” he sounded irritated and it was obvious that he didn’t know how to tell me what he thought.

“Never mind” I said, “Tell me, did they go out on dates?”

He nodded, “It would usually be on weekends, after practices or recordings. When we do concerts overseas, they would be seated on the plane together, their hotel rooms across from each other’s. The management tolerated it at first because they thought it was just for publicity. They have this fandom. Seo---“ SeoKyu. I know” I cut him off.

“They seemed really happy. They made the fans happy, too. But then, as the months passed, they became too private. Sometimes, Kyuhyun would start missing out on practices or be late during recordings”

“So, he was distracted”

“He started being unorganized and he wasn’t prioritizing” he said

Oh. So Seohyun’s, like, this bad influence? Oh . . .

“But he was happy, Max. We’ve never seen him that happy as he was when he’s spending time with Seohyun” I expressed my happiness too soon.

I swallowed. It pained me to hear that he was happy, not happy, so happy with someone else. Why her? Why not me? Why can’t he look at me? Why can’t he see me? But who was I to question? Who was I to force him to look at me and see the way I want him to? No one.

“This is making you sad. I’ll stop” Donghae says and then he places his arm over my shoulder. I smiled but deep inside, I was hurt. Donghae was here but I was thinking of someone else, wanting someone else.

“Oppa . . .”

“Hmmm?”

“Thank you . . .” I whispered, “For everything” I added and then I clasped our hands together. The air that we shared was cold but our hands that were clasped were warm.

“You’re welcome” he said

Donghae wasn’t stressing me out. He didn’t pressure me to answer to anything as early as now. He just expressed what he felt and I was happy that he did. Not that I felt proud that an idol liked be but, I appreciate that he was honest and he didn’t try to look cool by hiding what he really wanted to say. It takes a real man to express what he really feels for a woman . . . or in our case . . . girl. 

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