I was beginning promotions.

          My comeback was a huge success. It was also nice to perform on the Korean stage again, feeling the blood bump through my veins as I sang my heart out for the fans. It was nice knowing that I still had so much support here.

          One night, I was scheduled to perform on MCountdown. A well acclaimed singer named Huh Gak was supposed to perform a duet with me but he unexpectedly couldn’t make it. His manager notified me of this complication about a half hour before my performance with him. As a result, I panicked.

          “Calm down ______,” Kiko said to me. “We’ll find another replacement for him.”

          “Yeah but who?” I asked. “No one else knows the song!”

          “Kiko,” a guy suddenly said as he barged into the waiting room. “We found someone who knows the song and has agreed to take Huh Gak’s place in the duet!”

          “Thank god!” I exclaimed. “Who is it?”

          “This fellow right here,” the guy said as he ushered someone in.

          When I saw him walk through the door, I froze. All of a sudden, this all felt like a dream.

          “L-shii?” Kiko asked, equally perplexed.

          L bowed to him and gave an assuring smile. “Long time no see, Kiko-shii. You still look the same.”

          Kiko looked from L over to me. I quickly looked away and kept my eyes on the ground.

          “You know the song?” Kiko asked.

          L nodded and said, “Of course.”

          “Well then! That’s great!” Kiko exclaimed. “Do you two want to practice a bit before the time comes?”

          L looked over at me and said, “That’d be nice.”

          “W-Wait,” I suddenly said.

          All eyes turned to me.

          “What’s wrong ______?” Kiko asked.

          I couldn’t possibly tell him about my fears about the reaction from the crowd. Who knows how people will react to me and L being on the same stage? About how we’re standing side by side again?

          Plus, it’s a love song. It was a song that I’d composed and written myself. It was a very emotional song and I could sing it easily with someone whom I had no feelings for, like Huh Gak, with minimal emotion. But I was scared about how I’d act if I were to sing it with L because of my longing feelings for him. The song is, after all, about him.

          But I didn’t want to let my fans down and at the moment, L was the only choice I had. So I kept my mouth shut and went along with it.

          In the waiting room with just the two of us, nothing much happened. We didn’t talk or anything. The air around us was really sour and bitter and I chose not to do anything about it. All L did was close his eyes on a couch in the corner of the room, silently napping.

          When it was time for us to go on he didn’t wake up. I got frustrated that he was napping at such a crucial time and threw a magazine at his face. He instantly woke up and I stormed out of the waiting room without a word.

          On stage, the music began to play. L and I stood at a great distance from each other, and I heard the audience tense up in surprise and shock when they saw that such a scandalous couple from the past was somewhat reunited.

I know I shouldn’t cry already
but why do I keep crying?
My heart toward you acts however it wants
So it keeps sending me to you

It hurts so much that
I’m the only one who feels like this
That you aren’t looking at me
Though you are probably
uncomfortable with me

I still love you, I love you
Though I don’t know anything else,
I know I want you
The more I try to approach you,
the more I try to get closer,
You try to run away and that makes me lonely

          I was basically okay and normal, until Myungsoo started to sing.

My tears are not stopping
You can’t, can’t,
can’t get farther away
Don’t run away,
don’t turn away from me, please

Because our happy and
good times keep passing me by,
Because I feel like I will regret this till I die,
I have something to tell you right now

I still love you, I love you
Though I don’t know anything else,
I know I want you
The more I try to approach you,
the more I try to get closer,
You try to run away and that makes me lonely

          For the rest of the song, we’re supposed to sing together, with the occasional adlibs. Although I’d mentally prepared myself for it, I knew that I couldn’t take it. My heart was bursting, knowing that the lyrics are about him. It made it even worse when I heard him singing the words with his own voice.

Whenever you want to come back,
you can come back to me
Because I love you

I’m okay even if you don’t love me
If I can just see you, I’m fine with anything
The more I love you, the deeper this gets,
You get farther away and that scares me

My tears are not stopping
You can’t, can’t,
can’t get farther away
Don’t run away,
don’t turn away from me, please

          When Ashton suggested that I begin writing my own songs, I had trouble on the emotions. Then I began to think of L, and how I’d react if he were to be dating someone else. This song was the result of that thinking process. It’s me telling him to not run away, to not go to that other girl. But if he does then I’ll still love him. Because Kim Myungsoo is the one person whom I can never really get over.

          I never looked at him once in the performance, but I can already feel myself beginning to cry when he and I sang together. I held in my tears, of course.

          When the song ended L and I bowed at awkward times and I was about to exit the stage when something was suddenly thrown at my face. A light stick hit my face and landed smack on the stage. I stared at it, wanting to think that it was an accident.

          But I knew that it was no accident.

          I quickly exited the stage, the tears threatening to coming out.

          “______!” the voice said as he ran after me.

          I angrily turned around and said, “Was this what you wanted, huh? I knew this was going to happen! I KNEW IT!”

          “______ calm down!” L said. “I’m sorry.”

          “You know what? You were right. Five years ago,” I said, ignoring his apology. It was probably fake anyways. I was saying stuff uncontrollably, knowing that they might hurt him. But I was so angry at the moment that I could care less. “You said that we should break up. For the best. And you’re right. It was for the best. Because now, whenever I’m even near you, I just get hurt. I knew this was going to happen. I knew I shouldn’t have sang with you and just backed out. Stupid me for thinking that everything was over.”

          “______, please don’t say those things,” L said. “Look, I’m—

          “Stop,” I said. “Just stop, okay? I don’t ever want to see you again. I don’t ever want to talk to you ever again. It just brings me trouble and I don’t need that right now. Go to Yerim. Go to the girl who actually celebrates your anniversaries with you. But don’t ever show up in front of me ever again. Especially with her.”

          And before he could see my tears, I left the building.

“How much do I get?”

          Yerim smirked and handed the young lady her money. “100 bucks. You did a good job out there, throwing the light stick at her face.”

          The lady looked down at the ground in slight shame. “But I feel kind of bad…since I’m sort of _____’s fan…but I needed the money. So thank you.”

          “No, thank you for coming by at such a convenient time,” Yerim said slyly. “Now run along now. We shall never meet again.”

          The lady bowed deeply with the envelope of money close to her heart. Then she scurried off into the darkness and around the corner.

          Yerim smiled to herself in satisfaction and watched in the shadows as you cried in your van, the sobs being so evidently heard, even from the outside.

          “You can never have him again,” Yerim whispered menacingly to herself. “Never.”

          That night I was on the phone with G.Na, just hysterically crying and telling her how much I hated him.

          “He’s so ugly,” I said. “I mean do you see those eyebrows? I hate it! I hate his weird voice too! I just hate it!”

          “You’re making very invalid arguments,” G.Na said.

          “Shut up,” I snapped as I blew into another tissue. “Ugh I’m a mess. Just an utter mess. I hate him. So much.”

          “I don’t see why you guys just can’t make up,” G.Na said.

          “I would love it if we just did,” I said wistfully. “But it’s so complicated that I don’t even know where to begin. What was he doing there in the building anyways? And how could he possibly know the song? It’s just barely been released. This was probably some heist that he did for Yerim to humiliate me.”

“But ______, do you know what this means?” G.Na asked me through the phone.

          “What?” I asked. “I bet he did this on purpose. I bet he deliberately wanted to sing with me just so that he could—

          “_____,” G.Na suddenly said sharply. “Stop. He knew your song. He knew every word, every pitch, and every melody. He knew how to sing it with you perfectly. Do you know what this means?” G.Na asked again.

          “No. I don’t.”

G.Na sighed and said, “Are you blind? Him already knowing the song just proved it. He’s still your fan.”

1 hour before the performance…

          “Myungsoo-ah where are you going?” Sungyeol asked his roommate.

          “MCountdown,” Myungsoo replied as he grabbed his jacket from the coat hanger.

          “Why?”

          “To see ______.”

          “Is she performing?”

          “Yup.”

          “Waaahhhh,” Sungyeol said. “So you’re still her fan?”

          Myungsoo smiled and said, “Once a fan, always a fan. Right?”

A/N: the lyrics are from Suzy’s OST for Big, “I Still Love You”. I’ve been listening to it lately and liked the lyrics so I was just all like, “Why not put it into the story?” LOL but yeah….it’s all in the lyrics ;)