Five years knowingly passed by.

          Five long, terrible, horrid years.

          It wasn’t like I wanted to stay in America for so long. But things just got busy. I ended up releasing two full English albums, in addition to starring in a blockbuster film. I also started seeing some relatives and time just went by. Or so it seemed.

          “We heard you were dating someone in Korea,” my parents mentioned at dinner one night.

          “Oh…yeah.” I poked my pork cutlet with my fork. “Can we please not talk about it?”

          “Did you really dare to let your company force you to date someone for popularity?” my dad asked.

          “Seriously dad,” I snapped. “I really don’t want to talk about it.”

          After my parents mentioned even the slightest bit of him I really had no appetite anymore. I think I went to bed hungry that night.

          I tried my best not to know what was going on about him back in Korea. Ignorance was bliss, after all. So I only went on the internet strictly for business purposes and nothing more.

          In America, people didn’t care that I’d once been exposed to having a fake relationship in Korea. In America, they loved me. No fandoms hated me like they did in Korea. It felt nice to finally feel loved again.

          I saw Ashton and Jaejoong often. Of course my trusty CEO had to be there beside me every step of the way in a new country. America was also his hometown. And DBSK went to LA every now and then, for the SM Town stuff. But most DBSK members have gone their separate ways in wanting to try new things. I heard Yunho was going to release his own cologne or something. Jaejoong had as much free time as he wished. Same with G. NA and the cube family. Rookies slowly rose to fame over the years. All in all, we were all growing up. But no one ever brought up his name.

          Ever.

          But I couldn’t stay in America forever. I had to go back some time.

          Upon coming back to Korea finally after such a long absence, I immediately grew worried. What if Inspirits still hated me? What if everyone’s still bitter over what happened?

          “Good morning Ashton,” I greeted as I took a seat in front of him. Oh the nostalgia.

          “Been a long time since you’ve been on Korean soil huh?” Ashton asked as he handed me a cup of coffee. “You’re 26 now. Getting old there ______.”

          “Shut up,” I snapped. “I still have the mentality of a 5 year old.”

          Ashton chuckled. We talked about a possible Korean comeback and a drama offering and then I was free to go.

          I was walking along the streets, taking notice of how no one gave me weird looks anymore. No one seemed to be glaring at me. I even saw some girls smiling at me as they whispered, “Look! It’s ______! She’s back!”

          My phone suddenly rang and I picked it up. “Hello?”

          “Hey there beautiful.”

          I smiled. “Hi Jaejoong. What’s up?”

          “You’re back in Korea, right?” he asked.

          “Yup!”

          “Let’s go eat dinner tonight!”

          “Okay where?” I loved how I could talk to him so easily now. He’s grown to be sort of an older brother to me, as strange as that sounds.

          “A new sushi place. I heard it’s really good,” Jaejoong said.

          “Sure then! I love sushi kekeke.” I started thinking about sushi and began to grow excited.

          “Great. See you tonight.”

          So that night Jaejoong and I got together to go try out the new sushi place. We sat down at the bar in front of the revolving plates of sushi and began to talk about our work.

          “So are you going to venture into business like Yunho?” I asked as I mixed my dollop of wasabi in the saucer.

          “Maybe,” Jaejoong said with a shrug.”I’ve been helping Junsu compose some songs for his solo album. Maybe I should release one myself?”

          “Whatever you feel like is best,” I said. “Although you look very nice in a suit and tie.”

          Jaejoong smirked. “Thank you but I knew that already.”

          I gasped. “Oppa! How conceited of you!”

          Jaejoong started laughing and I started laughing too. “Here,” he said, putting a California roll onto my plate. “Eat. You’re so thin now.”

          I shrugged. “Work.”

          “Or have you just been busying yourself so that you could forget about him?” Jaejoong asked.

          I stopped. My heart froze as my body grew warm. This always happened whenever someone mentioned him. And to think Jaejoong even dared. I thought that he, out of all people, would know how much I hated that ex boyfriend of mine. I didn’t even know if I could even consider him as an ex.

          As if on cue, I was suddenly aware of a familiar presence entering the restaurant. I looked over at the entrance and couldn’t believe my eyes.

          There he was, entering the restaurant with a bored expression on his face as he blankly surveyed the room. He was wearing a black suit with a black dress shirt inside.

          Huh. Still obsessed with black.

          But moreover, I was in awe about how handsome he’d gotten over the years. He’d seemed to grow taller, his legs now incredibly long and model-like. His facial features have evidently matured. His nose grew sharper and more defined; his jaw line still as attractive as ever. His V-shape face looked thinner though. Seeing him look so great made me wonder if I’d grown uglier over the years.

          Suddenly his eyes met mine and I quickly looked away, trying my best to hide my face behind Jaejoong’s broad body.

          “,” Jaejoong said. “He’s with a girl.”

          “A-A girl?”

          I immediately shot back up and looked over at the entrance. And there she was.

          Kim Yerim.

          Standing oh so pettily by Myungsoo’s side. She was talking to the waiter about reservations or whatever while he stood beside her like a statue. I looked back at him.

          He was already looking at me.

          I wanted to hide. I really didn’t want to run into him. I hadn’t wanted to run into him at all. But what were the chances? That I’d end up seeing him again after all this time on my first day back in Korea? Moreover, with the woman I hated the most? Seeing him with her after five years was like a needle stabbing me in the throat. It hurt, a lot.

          “Want to leave?” Jaejoong asked.

          “Yes please,” I hissed as I already started making a dash for my bag. Jaejoong asked for the check and swiftly paid. The both of us got up and made our way towards the exit. As we passed L and Yerim by the door, I completely looked away from him, trying my best to avoid as much eye contact as possible. And the thing was, he hadn’t even said anything. Not even a hi. It hurt to know that maybe he wanted this silent rejection as well. The last thing I would’ve wanted to do was pass him without a word, acting like we were complete strangers when we’d once had something so grand.

Listen to First Love – Love Rain OST

          That night I was in bed, my insomnia kicking in again. Strange because home should be where sleep comes the easiest. Frustrated, I the TV and watched a bit of the daily pop gossip.

          “For our daily scoop today we are happy to report that L and Yerim have been seen on a sushi date together!” the reporter exclaimed somewhat too excitedly. “For those of you don’t know it already, the couple has been dating for two years, evidently surpassing L’s previous relationship with _______. At the age of 25, L recently says that he wishes to get married. Do we hear wedding bells in the future for the couple?”

          I felt myself begin to grow dizzy. My stomach started to hurt and I felt sick all of a sudden. I ran to the bathroom and knelt beside the toilet, the nausea coming to me. After barfing out my sushi dinner, I realized that I’d been crying. Isn’t that just great? Barfing and crying at the same time?

          I sat there in the bathroom for a while, crying endlessly as I continued to feel sick to my stomach.

So they’d been dating. For two years already. Much longer than how he and I lasted. So this was why people shrugged me off now. They forgot about it, they didn’t care. I was history. It was all about him and Yerim now.

          I then thought back to the things that he and I had done together back when we were together. It’d all seemed like just yesterday. Did he and Yerim ever go on Dream Team? Did she ever run up to him and hug him after a big win? Did she ever watch his dance practice with awe? Did she ever see him shirtless in his dorm? Did they ever have anniversary parties? Has he ever gone to her house? Does she even get along with the other members?

          Have I ever even done anything for him? I asked myself. Have I ever bought him drinks after dance practice? No. Have I ever treated him like my equal? No. Have I ever even asked him how his day was? No. Have I ever even made him a homemade lunch? Barely. Reluctantly made fried rice isn’t exactly sufficient.

          But have I ever insulted him? Yes. Have I ever criticized him? Yes. Have I ever treated him like trash? Yes. I was terrible to him. I treated him like dirt, always looking at Jaejoong. He and I hadn’t even gotten together. We will never get married because I will never love him like how I loved Myungsoo. I’d wasted so much time on nothing, when I could’ve been chasing the person who treated me like a princess. Thinking back, I began to realize how much he already knew about me, how much he cared for me, and how much he loved me. If I were him I wouldn’t be too fond of me either. No wonder he went to Yerim.

          I wish I could tell him how sorry I was. How I hoped that he was happy now, how I finally realized things too late. He’s hardly done anything wrong to me, but I’d caused him so much trouble and pain. I guess I deserved barfing and crying at the same time. I really deserved it. I hadn’t believed it when he said he missed me five years ago; I hadn’t taken that chance. And now I guess I was paying the price.

          I don’t know how long I sat there on the bathroom floor, just thinking about how long it took me to realize that I probably lost the only boy whom I’ll ever love in my entire life. Or maybe I’d realized it before, but just didn’t want to accept it.

It’s been forever since I’ve felt safe in someone’s arms. Only he gave me that feeling of safety from just one hug. It was during sleepless nights like these where I wished to be sleeping in his arms the most.

          “I missed you,” were the words I’d last heard him say to me.

          I sobbed into my wet hands as I said, “I miss you too Myungsoo-ah…more than you will ever know.” But it was too late. He probably wouldn’t even care if I said these words to him today.

          I was a complete and utter mess. And everyone knew it but him.

A/N: why 5 years, you may ask? Well that"s how long BoA had her absence in Korea LOL so i thought it was suitable ;D