Listen to DBSK - Evergreen

Five months to me, seemed more like 5 centuries. The days passed by slowly as I performed with DBSK on their tour. Country after country, my longing for Myungsoo never stopped once. He was on my mind every single second of the day, if not more.

          Huh. Isn’t it funny? I’m even starting to call him Myungsoo now instead of L. I’d always thought that calling him Myungsoo would be weird and awkward, as if I was forcing myself to say his real name. But the word came naturally off my tongue. I no longer had the need to call him L. I guess I really had fallen in love with him, like I said I wouldn’t. Once upon a time I’d thought that this would be impossible. Ew! I’d never like him! But it’d happened. For what reason, I don’t know. But it’d happened.

          Little things reminded me of him. An infinity sign would make me think of the band he’s in. The DBSK boys were watching Toy Story one night and Buzz had said, “To infinity and beyond!” Immediately I thought of Myungsoo.

          I’d go shopping one day and see something black. “Myungsoo liked black…,” I’d droopily say to myself.

          It’d even gone to the point where I’d see a phone and sadly say to myself, “Myungsoo had a phone..and he used to text me with it…” Yeah. It got down to that point of stupidity.

          Ashton was right, of course. I missed him a lot more than I said I would. I wanted to be in his arms again, to hold his hand again. Jaejoong would hug me or hold my hand but it wouldn’t be the same. I’d feel wrong and guilty because Jaejoong was such a good guy. He was everything I’d always wanted. And yet here I am, practically turning him down with my yearning feelings for Myungsoo. I felt terrible, of course. But Jaejoong understood.

          “I was just too late,” he said to me one day. “If only I’d told you sooner.”

          One night I was on the rooftop of one of the hotels we were staying at. “Myungsoo liked resting on the railings with his elbows like this,” I said to myself as I positioned my arms exactly like how Myungsoo had. “And he’d look out into the distance.” And so I looked out into the city before me, silently missing him. I wondered every single day, if he missed me too

          I stared up at the stars, feeling my heart ache with pain once again. It was lonely, gloomy nights like these where I missed him most.

          Suddenly Jaejoong came up beside me and said, “So this is where you go during the wee hours of the night, huh?”

          I sighed. “Yup.”

          “You should be getting some sleep,” Jaejoong said with concern. “Our flight to LA leaves pretty early tomorrow.”

          “I’ll be fine,” I said quietly.

          Jaejoong reached out to me and patted the top of my head. this was what he used to do to me. “Don’t be sad,” Jaejoong said.

          “I’m sorry,” I instinctively said.

          “Don’t say you’re sorry. I hate seeing you so sad because of him,” Jaejoong replied.

          “I just…wish he was still here with me,” I said.

          It was silent for a while, but I didn’t mind it. If anything, I liked the peacefulness of it all.

          “_______,” Jaejoong suddenly said. “Can you just say something to me? Just once so that I can hear it with your voice?”

          “Sure,” I said. “What is it?”

          Jaejoong swallowed. “Can you just tell me that…you love me? Just once?”

          I stared at him, feeling more nostalgic than ever. I’d only said my I love yous to one other person before. Only one. Those three words reminded me of him more than anything else. But with Jaejoong, I made an exception. If the whole fake relationship never happened, he would’ve been the one to hear it anyways. He’d been the original. Myungsoo had just been a rebound. But it was funny how I fell for the rebound instead.

          “I love you,” I said.

          Jaejoong stared at me for a while before saying, “This isn’t the first time you’ve said it to someone…isn’t it?”

          I looked down at my hands and shook my head. “Nope. You’re right.”

          “You said it to him before…didn’t you?” I could tell he was being tentative with his questions.

          “Right again,” I said. “I don’t give out my I love yous so easily, you know.”

          “But you gave it to him, genuinely,” Jaejoong stated.

          “Yup. I hope he knows that he’s special like that,” I replied.

          “He really is one lucky bastard,” Jaejoong said. “What would I do to have you talk about me the way you talk about him.”

          “I’m sorry,” I said to Jaejoong, putting my hand on his shoulder. “I didn’t know.”

          “It’s my fault,” Jaejoong said. “But I’ll get over it…eventually. There will be no other fan like you though.”

          I smiled. “Thanks oppa.”