Dear Diary,

My beloved husband is gone. I never thought things could get any worse, but sure enough they did as they always do. His last letter leads me to believe that he is dead, and it stings so much worse than if I would've been the one to find his body. Without the body how can I know he is truly gone? Maybe after writing the letter he decided he still wanted to live and moved somewhere far away. However painful, I must stay hopeful. I won't mourn until I know that Jonghyun truly is gone from this world completely. I've been going door to door asking if anyone has seen Jonghyun since I found his place abandoned a couple days ago. His disappearance is driving me so insane with worry that I couldn't keep secrets from Minho anymore. I told him everything about Jonghyun, and we haven't stopped fighting since then. 

My heart and my marriage to Minho both fell apart completely in just a few days after I received a bundle of letters from the mailman along with an apology notice because the letters had been lost in the mail for quite some time. Once I told Minho that we technically aren't married, even though we had a wedding, because I'm still married to Jonghyun, he was furious. I've never seen him so upset before. He was so heated that in the moment he told me all about his affair with some young college dropout that lived in the neighborhood. That drew out the nasty side of me that I didn't know I had either. Our love has turned so sour that there isn't even a small glimmer of anything salvageable. I never fought like this when I was with Jonghyun. We never even seriously fought at all and that realization is when I decided Minho had always been wrong for me. My heart belongs to Jonghyun. It always has, and it always will. He has never even dreamed of doing me wrong. Even though he'd forgotten me he still fell in love with me all over again. Shame on me for trying to change what is set in stone. Everything that has happened is all my fault, and I deserve to live the lonely life I've made for myself. 

Minho and Jay moved out just when Jay was starting to finally like me. I feel awful that he feels like I've abandoned him, but I can't let him see me like I am now. I starting using again. I'm so ashamed of it that I lock myself away in my house now, and plan to do so forever. The only person to ever see me in such a pitiful state is Jinki, so I let him get my groceries and take care of my dog. I can hardly get off my couch anymore. I just keep looking out the window all day at Jonghyun's house across the street as he had looked at me, waiting for him to one day hopefully return. Every night I reread the letters that he had been writing me while I had so foolishly thought that our love was forever lost after Jonghyun got shot. If only they had made it to me on the days they were supposed to have been delivered, none of this would have happened. I would be safe in Jonghyun's arms right now, resting easily without a care in the world. I never rest now. I can never rest again knowing the pain I unconsciously inflicted upon my beloved husband by wasting my everything with Minho. I can never forgive myself for this. That's why I punish myself with the painkillers. The more I take the less I feel, and so I take even more. One day it'll gradually build up until my body can take no more. Then I'll be with Jonghyun again. We will finally be happy again. If I wasn't so afraid of action I would swallow a whole bottle of pills right now without a second thought, but I can't until I know for sure that Jonghyun is never coming back. Once I find his body, I'll join him again.

-Kim Kibum