Dear Mother,

I hope this letter gets to you first before the others can have a chance at putting untrue thoughts in your head. Hopefully no one even has a way to contact you, because I don't believe I gave them any. They've locked me up again, but I swear to you I've been going straight. I've been keeping my hands clean of drugs. Somebody planted a kilo of coke in my car, just left it sitting there in the open for any police officer to just look right in and see it. At first I thought maybe Kibum had found out about Taemin and sought his revenge, but as they dragged me away Kibum seemed to burst into tears as if he were being truly stabbed in the heart. It made me cry too when I saw just how greatly he really does love me. I realize now that he wasn't being cold or pushing me away by not letting me be intimate with him. I was just being selfish. I wasn't thinking about how hard it might be for him to get so close to another man after what happened to his last boyfriend. He was probably too afraid to get close, because before the wedding there was still a chance of something going wrong. Now I see how much he really loves me. He begged and begged for them not to take me away, and clung to me as if I were the last bit of happiness he had left. I feel so ashamed for wronging him. I suppose in a way it was right of them to take me to jail. I belong here. All I ever do is wrong, and now I'm wronging my loved ones. Jay doesn't need that kind of person in his life.

When Kibum came down to visit a couple days later we both couldn't help crying. It felt so cruel to not be able to touch, not even hold hands and reassure the other everything would be alright even though we both knew it wouldn't be. I had gotten out on parole for good behaviour, but now I'm looking to serve the rest of my ten year sentence. Yeah Jay will still be young enough that I can be there for him for a decent amount of years once I get out, but would he even want me around then? I've already missed so many important moments of his life. I already feel like a failure of a parent for that, but not being able to see him again until he's practically a teenager? My heart breaks at the thought. I saw him sobbing heavily next to Kibum too the day they took me away. Despite how much he acted out and acted like he hated Kibum, he sought comfort from him when they dragged me away in front of them. It was the worst moments of my life. Nobody should ever have to watch a person they love so dearly be forcibly dragged away in handcuffs. I had begged the police to not let my son see me like that, but they didn't care. In their eyes I'm a criminal, and always will be. No one but Kibum saw the chance for redemption in me, not even you, and now they are going to go through a mockery of a trial to seem like putting me back in prison is fair. It seems like fate decided that I was born to rot. I was only ever destined to fail, and if that's true then why do I continue to agonize myself by living? I suppose it's because of love, the silly thing I was about to throw away by calling off the wedding. Did you always know I would turn out this way? Or had there been some small hope when I was little that I could've had a decent life?

Your loving son,

Minho