Dear Diary,

It's my first day out of the hospital in a very long time. While I was there we had a little diary that we wrote in to document our progress. I found that writing my thoughts down helped, so I decided to start a new one now that I'm on my own. Well, I'm not completely on my own. Today, Jinki came over to surprise me with a little housewarming gift. I hadn't realized truly how long I had been in rehab until Jinki brought over my dog, Monshi. I had left her in Jinki's care when she was small, but now she's fully grown. Time had always seemed to stand still within the dullness of the hospital and its consistent everyday routines. I felt the years weighing down on me a little as Monshi tackled me to the ground, but still I was happy that she remembered me. It will take some time for her to get used to living with me again though. Although she seems to remember me she's spent more of her life with Jinki now than with me. Jinki said that he would come over often to reassure her that things were alright. When he dropped her off today she whined a little once he left. It's a little funny. The two of us are like co-parenting her now. She whines whenever both of us aren't around her. It's cute, and gives Jinki an excuse to come over often. His company comforts me, but he isn't a very social person, so he would never come over to visit me just because he wants to. He would only come over if he had to, and that's just the way he is.

I've known Jinki since we were little kids in elementary school, and even then he was reclusive. He would give the teachers the most awful frights at first when they would discover him missing, but eventually they caught on to his favorite hiding spot, the library. Jinki wasn't ever in there reading. He just enjoyed the quiet. I always found it strange that he never needed to entertain himself. The silence was his entertainment, his thrill. It's the only thing that I've ever seen made him smile. I honestly don't know how we became friends. I was a very rowdy child that constantly bothered him. Even though I could tell he was annoyed by me I still felt bad he was always alone. I tried nearly every day to get him to come play with me and the other kids, but he never answered me. All he would do is frown and huff, furrowing his eyebrows with closed eyes. I found myself strangely drawn to him though, so I continued to bother him all the way up through high school and college. Still I bother him occasionally today, but since our first encounter he's opened up to me considerably. Perhaps I was so drawn to him because he was so different. I did pity him for a time, but the first time he spoke to me changed my perspective on him completely.

It was our second year of high school when he finally spoke to me, or spoke to anyone actually. "Just because you feel that I need company does not mean that I feel I need company", he said. I remember it as clearly as I remember today, because at the time it had been so shocking. For all those years everyone had just assumed that he was born a mute, but when he spoke it was a perfectly normal sounding voice. Nothing had ever been wrong with him. He just didn't like to speak, and after that he didn't again for a while no matter how much everyone else bugged him to. I, however, never tried to force anything on him from then on like all the others did. I came to realize that not everyone's idea of happiness was the same. Maybe that's how we came to be friends. I became more patient with him, and grew used to the silence that surrounds him. I used to panic whenever there was silence between myself and another person, because it always felt awkward enough to choke me to death. I didn't speak to him for a while either, which was hard at first, because I still followed him around. Eventually though, I was no longer anxious when there were long silences, and he seemed to no longer be bothered by my lingering around once I was quiet. We learned a lot about each other by just watching rather than telling each other, which I think led us to learn more intimate things about each other than what we otherwise would've shared through speech, especially once we were sharing a dorm together in college.

I must confess that all throughout school I had the biggest crush on him, and surely he must've noticed given how observant he is, but still he wasn't a social person. He did not want a lover, a family, or even a friend. I think the only reason he allowed me to befriend him, was because he knew I would never stop trying until he did. Like all things about Jinki though, I learned to accept it. After all, just because I felt I needed a family and a husband doesn't mean that he did. I'm over that crush now though. I'm content with just being his friend, and it has been years since those days. I had moved on already and found a husband before rehab, but I don't think I'm ready to go into depth about him just yet...

This is where I'll end this entry for now, because I still have a lot of unpacking left to do. While I was in rehab my grandmother had died. I hadn't known her very well, so there wasn't much grieving. She left her house to me to keep it within the family, since we were the only two members of it left. Now it's just me though, and I suppose that's why I feel so pressured to have a family. Although, that isn't entirely the reason. I also want a family, because I love children. I've always wanted to be a parent, even if I'd be a single one. Maybe I'll adopt someday, but for now I need to take things slowly. I need to fully readjust to living outside of the hospital again first.

-Kim Kibum