Dear Diary,

Minho proposed to me today. I had actually planned on telling him I need space tonight, but he surprised me in the most fairytale way. How could I say no when everything was so perfect? He took me on a surprise date to a meadow. It was gorgeous, an absolute dream. There were flowers for miles of all kinds, marigolds, bluebells, daisies, poppies, all but roses. I felt ecstatic already just being there, but then Minho pulled a picnic basket from the car with food he prepared himself. It was a completely new place to me where no memories of Jonghyun lingered. I was so happy there. My tears were tears of joy, not sadness. Minho proposed to me under the stars, and now the ring glimmers upon my finger as I write. It's as perfect as a star. It looks nothing like Jonghyun's ring, not to mean that Jonghyun's ring wasn't just as perfect though. The rings are just so differently perfect. Jonghyun's ring is perfect, because it brought us together for a couple very happy years, and brought us together through suffering these recent few years. Minho's ring is perfect, because it declares change. It is setting straight in my mind my decisions. I can not keep waiting for my life to go back to what it once was. Instead, I must create a new life for myself completely different from the old one, just like the rings. This doesn't necessarily mean that I am choosing Minho over Jonghyun though. I am choosing to be happy over suffering. I hope Jonghyun would understand if he knew my situation.

My mother called me just now to ask about Jonghyun. I told her that his memory of me is gone forever, and that I must move on. She comforted me and told me that I should move into a new house far away to truly break that last string tying me to him, but in truth I could never do that. Even if we can never be together again like we were, he still is one of the best friends I have. I still care for him more deeply than anyone else I've ever known. It'd be impossible for me to leave this place. I want to be there for him always in case he needs me, but I'll be there as his friend. I can't be having drunken makeout sessions with Jonghyun anymore in the back of his car like I did last night. It isn't right now that I'm engaged. Although I loved it so much, I promised myself I wouldn't let that happen again. I need to stay true to Minho, my soon to be husband. Jonghyun can't just drop in and out of my live forever. I need stability. I need Minho.

Minho is trying to convince me to have the wedding next month, since he wants to be married as soon as possible. Then soon after he wants to have another child. This is it. I'm going to be living the life I've always wanted, but why do I feel so unsatisfied? This is the dream I've had since I was a small child. Minho is a good man, and already a wonderful father to Jay, but is he really what I want? I know I need him, but do I want him? I don't know honestly. All I know is that to move on I must be with him, but do I really want to move on? Do I really want to live out my dream if it doesn't involve Jonghyun? Is it still my dream without him there? I search and search for answers forever, but I don't want to look at the truth I suppose.

-Kim Kibum