Dear Diary,

So much has happened since my last entry. Minho is living with me now. He has been for a while now. We've been battling his son's mother in court, and things look promising. I got to meet Jay once and he is just the most adorable little boy. It makes me feel that deep dull pain in my heart again, because of how badly I want to have children of my own. I share Jonghyun's dream completely. All I want is to spend every day cooking for my family, chasing the kids around the house, telling them stories, and cuddling with my husband once the kids are put to bed. For the longest time I had always imagined that would be the life for Jonghyun and I, but now things have changed so much. I don't know how I ended up in a relationship with Minho, but my new therapist tells me it's good that I'm moving on.

Moving on is still scary to me even though I've come so far. When I'm not around Minho my mind constantly clutters with doubt. I feel awful. I feel like I've betrayed Jonghyun. I'm supposed to be with him through sickness and in health, right? Well, Jonghyun is sick, and I'm not at his side waiting patiently like I should be. I feel so disgusted by myself when I think about it. I'm cheating on the man I love more than anything. I should burn in hell for what I've done, but when Minho is with me everything is completely the opposite.

I get a rush, a high, when he kisses me. It's the same as when I was on painkillers. When the kiss ends all I do is crave more. I've become an even worse addict than before, because I fall apart whenever Minho has to go to work. The world melts away entirely with every intimate moment we share. Every touch reminds me of the joy love fills you with. It feels so good after being lonely so long. How could I just deny that to willingly suffer through loneliness for a man that may never remember me again?

Today broke my heart, and I'm the only one to blame. Jonghyun came to my house today for coffee. He brought me a dozen of his roses earlier in the week to make up for his shortcomings the first visit, so I was again entranced by the memories they always brought back. I was happy that he took interest in me. We were getting to know each other all over again. It was hard for me to act like I didn't know absolutely everything about him, but I did my best. Things were going well until Minho came home. Minho surprised me with flowers too, and swept me off my feet for a passionate kiss. My heart couldn't take it, and I responded to the kiss only because I'm still so desperate for intimacy to fulfill my addiction. The world melted away again briefly as I closed my eyes to kiss back, but when I opened them again Jonghyun was gone. After that I went up to my room to cry in private, telling Minho that I was feeling sick so that he wouldn't pry. To see him disappear like that felt as if I had just erased him from my life completely with that kiss. I was terrified enough that I called Jinki to make sure Jonghyun still lived across the street. It was silly I know, but when you're worried about the one you love most in the world, all your thoughts are irrational.

I have not told Minho anything about Jonghyun, so I often feel like I'm betraying him as well. Am I a terrible person? I feel like it almost 24/7 these days. It doesn't make it any better that Minho is always trying to cheer me up whenever I can't get out of bed in the morning, because I feel so terrible. He's just as sweet of a man as Jonghyun, so it's unfair to him to have feelings for Jonghyun still the way I do. What can I do though? I can't just erase Jonghyun from my heart. I've loved him since high school, even before we had actually started dating. I've put so much effort and time into our relationship already. Can I really just throw away all those years of my life to start over with someone completely new?  I wish there were answers somewhere out there that would make my life easy, but life is cruel that way, just like the cruelty of having the man I planned on growing old together with completely forget my existence. Why was I chosen to suffer? How did I ever deserve this?

-Kim Kibum