Dear Mother,

My heart is so flustered. I'm torn, and I don't know which part of me I should listen to. Half of me feels in love with Kibum, while the other half is starting to feel for Taemin. I don't even know if what I have for Kibum is really love anymore, or that it ever was. It seems to me now that I just tried to repay him so desperately for all the good he's done for me, yet all I had available to repay him with was my heart. My heart does not feel right in his hands though, however caring they might be. The honest truth is that when Taemin tried to persuade me to his side I didn't need much persuasion. Kibum has never actually let me touch him the way a lover should. I know that really isn't an excuse for cheating, nothing is, but I understand myself now, why I did it. I needed to feel as loved as I felt towards my lover.

Kibum has started the process of adopting Jay, but I don't know if I want him to be Jay's parent anymore. Taemin does have some problems that he needs to seek professional help for, but I believe he has potential to be just as good of a parent to Jay as Kibum. I can't just tell Kibum to cancel the paperwork though when I'm still not entirely sure if I want to stay with Kibum or be with Taemin. It's no better nor worse with either of them. Kibum may be sweet and caring like a friend, but there's no sense of love or passion. We sleep in separate beds in completely different rooms every single night still even though we are engaged! I can't really see anything changing once we're married either. Although, with Taemin in the night there is so much passion, so much romantic pleasure, yet in the morning he always leaves. He does not seem as sweet, nor does he care if I feel hurt by him abandoning me so all the time. That's probably because of the hard life he's had since a young age. The two are literally night and day for me. It drives me absolutely insane. I wish sometimes that I could have them both, but I know that isn't right. Taemin knows about Kibum and doesn't seem to mind, but I know Kibum would not be happy if I told him what has been going on.

Whenever I think this over I only come to the conclusion that I really don't deserve either of them. This is a mess I've made of myself, and it's something I'll have to live with. Sometimes it seems so simple a thing to just run off with Taemin and Jay, since Taemin never cared about Kibum being so close to me, but then I would have to face Kibum as I tell him all that I've done. I just can't handle that. Seeing Kibum cry would break my heart. I just can't make the conscious decision to devastate him. Like a coward, I can only hide it from him to keep from hurting him. In the process though I know I am only hurting my future self, because the longer it goes on the worse it'll become, the worse I'll become. I need to do this now before Jay finally starts getting attached to him. It's a sad thing to say really, but wish me luck. I will need all the luck in the world to get me out of this one unscathed. I just want to be sure I make the right decision. Marriage is such a big commitment, and maybe I'm not really as ready as I thought I was for it after all. Maybe I just wanted to marry someone so that Jay would have a stable pair of parents in his life for once.

Your loving son,

Minho