Dear Diary,

A man broke into my house last night. With the depressed mood I've been in lately I didn't have the energy to be frightened. When I the lights and saw a strange man in my living room I didn't jump, which made him very surprised. He seemed to be stunned as we stared hard at each other. It was very strange to me how he made no attempt to run off with my things. I think the tension must have got to him after a while, because he put everything back carefully in its place and apologized. I don't really think I would've been very mad at him if he had run off with my things. At this point I couldn't care less about material posessions. Loneliness and the memories of my past were eating away at me badly enough that I had ripped a page out of this book to write my suicide note on. By the time I had found a pencil though I just couldn't bring myself to do it. What if Jonghyun were to remember me after I was gone? Then he would be the one in pain for years and years without end. I couldn't do that to him. I would never want anyone to suffer the way that I suffer.

I was so lonely that I asked the burglar to join me for dinner. It was the night of Jonghyun and I's 5th year anniversary. By mistake, I had made two dinners instead of one, and that's what drove me to my insanity. While I had sat there at the table alone eating my dinner, I couldn't help crying as I remembered our first anniversary dinner. Jonghyun had wanted to take me out to an expensive restaurant, but I foolishly had insisted that I could cook a five star meal just for him. I tried so badly to impress him by making a stuffed duck, but I had never made such a thing in my life before, so I ended up nearly causing the house to catch fire. It was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life, but one of the happiest as well. "We try too hard to impress each other. We're already married. We should live comfortably together", he said to me, and we spent that night sharing a pizza curled up together on the couch. It brought us to be closer than we'd ever been.

When Minho sat across from me at the dinner table I felt sane again for the first time in three years. I talked with him for a long time. He was hesitant at first, but I soon got him to open up. He told me his story about jail, his son, and his son's wicked mother. I felt even more upset than him about the way the court system was treating him. It's unjust that the court always shows bias towards the mothers. Mothers can be just as unfit of a parent as fathers. I knew a few things about the law from a few semesters I spent studying it in college, so I tried my best to give him some advice. Even though I didn't really have very much knowledge to offer he seemed most grateful. It embarrassed me a little the way he acted as if I were his answered prayer, but I was happy I could be of use to someone. I've been reading up more on law today to help out his case more. There just seems to be an almost competitive urge within me now. I just want Minho to win the right to see his son. He's a decent man, and definitely deserving of visitation. I believe he's on a better path now, and I hope I'm on a better path now too. All this seems like my own answered prayer. Today I actually felt kind of alive again. I was no longer moping around the house all day. I was productive, and it easily took my mind off of Jonghyun. Maybe I should get a job to keep my mind busy. I don't really need one, because technically I'm still married to Jonghyun, so I still have access to our shared bank account. I haven't worked since we got married, because I was supposed to raise the kids. We never ended up having any though.

Jonghyun used to be a very successful business man, so there wasn't even much time for his spouse. The kids would've just been miserable barely getting to see Jonghyun, so we decided to wait. He made a lot of smart investments in stocks, bought and sold businesses, rented out houses he bought. My husband had done it all. When he made enough money for our family to live decently without having to work for at least the next two generations he sold off all his assets. He had told me often that his one dream was to make enough money via any means necessary so that he could retire young and spend every single day with his family. When it actually came true I was overjoyed and amazed, but not everyone else was that way. Many people lost their jobs when he sold off the companies he'd owned, and many people were out of a home when he sold all the houses he owned. There were a lot more people angry at him than we had ever cared to think, and that's how his "accident" came about. Jonghyun took a bullet to the head, and the culprit was never caught. It was a miracle he was still alive afterwards, even more so that he wasn't brain dead, but that is what caused his memory loss. When I first tried to explain to him who I was he went into shock, which nearly killed him again. That's why I can't tell him anything even though it kills me inside not to. He moved into his family home, because that's all he remembered. Jinki told me all he's ever done since he's moved back into that old house is stare out the window or hide away in his room. I just wish so badly that I could kiss or hug him again. Maybe then he would remember. Certain things always trigger my memories, so maybe I just need to find his trigger.

-Kim Kibum