Dear Jonghyun,

I knew a little persuasion was all you needed to see things as I do. Our night of passion together was the best one of my life. I knew you were different than all the others, so very different. You didn't leave me. You stayed, and I was so surprised that I ended up leaving. I was so used to waking up alone that I didn't know what to do when I woke up to see you with your arms around me that morning. I panicked, because I had no idea what two people were supposed to do or say the day after they had . Was I supposed to stay? Was I supposed to just chat casually with you as if nothing had happened? I don't think I could've lasted through breakfast. Knowing myself, I would've found some way to mess up what an amazing thing we had. That's why it was better this way.

Still, I'll never regret, nor forget that wonderful night. I hope that you won't either, but I'm not too sure you don't. Ever since then you've been more lost in your writing than ever, and you speak to me even less than the few words you usually say to me in greeting. It's as if you've become asorbed in those letters. It scares me sometimes, the way you stare so intensely down at the paper as your hand furiously glides across it. Are you writing about me? You probably are. I wouldn't be surprised if you were telling whoever it is you write to that I'm just a coked up , because you really wouldn't be entirely wrong I suppose. Yes, I do coke. Yes, I am famous for sleeping around. Yet, you still can trust me. I would never want to hurt you Jonghyun. You're the only one who has been decent with me, and I would never wrong you for that. I'm not brought up to be mean. I just repay whatever I'm dealt, be it kindness or aggression.

Sometimes I wonder if I really do have bias towards you. Maybe I have grown fond of being treated so gently as you do, but I musn't let it control me. Bitterness is always harshest after something sweet. Already, you push and pull at me though. Your sweetness pulls me in, but then you turn your back to me as you sit at that desk writing those damned letters. Slowly, I begin to tear at the seams I had only just mended. Why did you have to be different? Couldn't you just have slapped me around, used me, then thrown me out? It would've been so much simpler that way. Things wouldn't be so complicated as they are now. I wouldn't be feeling anything. I wouldn't feel so guilty as I do now for leaving you alone. I didn't even know I could feel such complex emotions, but you have brought them out in me. They swirl inside my heart and make it swell until it feels almost ready to burst, but not quite enough to. How do I even explain this? What does it mean? I suppose if you feel it too then you'll know. You always seem so knowledgeable about everything. Tell me if you ever know, because I need to know what's killing me.

Another thing I wonder is how you've survived this way for so long. I know I wonder so many things, but that's because you never give me the answers. You just leave me guessing in silence since you have no time to bother with someone as petty as me. Still I'll ask, how can you go on in this house all alone? How can you stay sane as every creak in the floor reminds you of how quickly time is creeping up on you. How does the awful smell of mothballs and dust in the kitchen not depress you and make you think of all the wonderful smells that should fill a kitchen? Maybe I'll brighten up the place sometime. If the stove works then perhaps I'll cook for you. I bet that would finally draw your attention. I hope that'll be enough for you to forgive me for abandoning you. I wonder what it is you like to eat....

Sincerely,

Taemin ;)