Dear Diary,

Why must the most magical night I've had all year end in sorrow? Why can't I simply enjoy myself for once without guilt tearing my soul to shreds. I nearly broke down entirely when Minho caught me walking home with Jonghyun's arm around my waist. We had our first fight tonight. I'm kind of ashamed to say that it was worth it though. For the few hours I was with Jonghyun I felt as if I had been taken back in time three years to when everything was normal again.

Monshi had run over to Jonghyun's several times this week. She saw him one day while he was getting the mail and I was taking her on a walk. It seems that she remembers him well, so every chance she gets she somehow escapes and finds her way over to his house. Jonghyun doesn't remember her of course. He gets annoyed by the way she jumps on him and digs up his yard. I think she gets a little distraught when he acts like a stranger towards her. It hurts me to see her that way, so I'm trying to keep a closer eye on her now. I don't want her bothering Jonghyun.

As a way to spend some more time with Jonghyun and hopefully jog his memory, I apologized to him on Monshi's behalf. Then I offered to take him to dinner, which he happily accepted. Even though he doesn't recall any memories of me aside from after he moved into his family home, I feel like his subconscious is aware of me. He seems to smile more brightly around me than anyone else, and I can't help smiling back just as brightly when I'm with him. It's as if our hearts could never forget each other. They know that they belong together. I'm sure that even as our minds grow weary with age our hearts won't forget until their last beat.

At first we were both shy. Jonghyun was probably unsure of what to say because he knew nothing about me. I wasn't sure of what to say because I know everything about him. We didn't need speech to express what we felt though. Jonghyun pulled me to my feet after we ate, and we let our hearts do the talking as they beat together to the music. We danced until everyone else was gone, and still did not want to leave then, but the restsurant's owner wanted to go home to his family. I found it a little funny when Jonghyun tried to stop me from paying so that he could pay, but I had to hold back my giggles to keep from being suspicious. It's just that both our cards are connected to the same bank account, so it really didn't matter. It was still sweet of him to offer. It was all exactly as our very first date had gone. I'm surprised and disappointed that the familiarity of it all hadn't caused Jonghyun to remember anything at all. Maybe the memories really are gone from his mind for good...

I sit here now sobbing a little as I write this, so sorry if it's a little sloppy future me, or whoever ends up reading this. I just feel so undeserving of these two great men that are in a secret competition for my heart. If Jonghyun's memory really is gone forever, then maybe we could just relive all those wonderful memories. Then where would Minho go though? I can't just put him out on the street, not while he has to give nearly all of his paycheck in child support for Jay. If I stay with Minho then I finally would have a child like I've always wanted. But.... then I would be living off of Jonghyun's money, off his dream that he built for him and me to share. It isn't right of me to use him like that, but neither is it right for me to throw out Minho. My life just keeps getting heavier on my shoulders. What am I to do? 

If Jonghyun were dead, would he have wanted me to move on? I think so... I'm sure he would've told me to do whatever would make me happy if he knew of my dilemma. What will make me happy though? I can't think about my guilt anymore. Guilt doesn't control me. I have to think of what is best for me, and what makes me happy. Right now, helping Minho makes me happy, and so does seeing Jonghyun. I'll just tell Minho I need some space. I can still help him with Jay, but no intimacy. That should work right? Then I can go see Jonghyun from time to time, check in on him, try subtly to jog his memory and such. Maybe Jinki could help. The more people from his past the more likely he should be to remember at least a small detail, right? Then small details get him on track for big flashbacks. He just needs to remember something small first. Jonghyun please just remember anything, for me, for our love, for our fate, and our future. Please remember....

-Kim Kibum