Dear Diary,

These days I have been such a mess. All I've done is panic since the police dragged Minho away in handcuffs from our porch. I try to put up a strong front for Jay's sake, but I burst into tears every day after sending him off to school. Minho calls me from prison when he can, but that's never enough. He tells me that he was framed. I believe him, but no one else seems to, which frightens me greatly. If the court decides that he is to go back to jail I promised him that I would look after Jay. Minho told me that he doesn't want me to wait for him. He seems to have lost hope already, and if he is without hope then how can I have any? What can I do if the court seems so set on sending Minho to prison for good already?

I guess settling down for a peaceful life with a man I love dearly was never meant to be my destiny. Every time I get close to having everything I've ever wanted everything falls apart in the most ridiculously cruel of ways. I'm almost afraid that if I have a child it will die very young with my luck. I could not bear that kind of loss. Losing Jonghyun already tore me apart so badly that I needed rehab for three years. Now that I'm slowly losing Minho as well I can feel the urges to use coming back. Just a few little pills and all my pain will go away. If I were to lose a child I would be beyond devastated. Life would no longer be worth living at that point. I can't live alone. It's the most dreadful way to live that I could ever imagine. Even if I lived out on the street it wouldn't be that bad if I had a companion, but without human connection I fall apart completely.

It's become so bad lately that Jinki has actually been dropping by every other day to check on me. For him to be concerned enough about me to leave his house, which he rarely ever leaves, means that I look even worse than I feel. I don't want to get sent back to rehab or worse, end up in jail too, but the temptations keep getting stronger. I want to do anything to get the pain to stop. Why should one person ever have to suffer through this much? If I wasn't meant to be a content househusband then what was I made for? What purpose is so unique that only I can serve it, and why must it cost me my happiness? It isn't fair! I never asked for too much. All I want at the very least is a loving husband, yet apparently that is the one thing I may never be allowed to have.

Maybe... This is a punishment of some sort. Did I make the wrong choice by choosing Minho over Jonghyun? Is this fate's way of telling me to go back to him? I suppose that would make sense. We are still technically married after all. Our souls have been bonded eternally, and the bond is trying to pull me back to Jonghyun like a chain. I reached the end of it by becoming so close to Minho, so they took him away to keep me loyal to who I truly belong to. That's what my life has been destined to, waiting around for decades until Jonghyun remembers me or I eventually forget him due to old age. I haven't seen him in a few weeks, because I've been so distraught over Minho's situation. Perhaps I'll go see him tomorrow. Maybe he can soothe my aching heart just by reminding me of the happier days of my life with his existence.

-Kim Kibum