Luhan was Xiumin's favourite "What if". 

After Luhan left, he was really just Xiumin's "What if". And "What if" was the only question Xiumin ever thought of ever since Luhan disappeared from his life. 

Xiumin always asked himself those "What if"s. What if Luhan did like him? What if Xiumin was just too dense to notice Luhan's feelings? What if he did the first move on Luhan? What if they were destined to be together but they didn't end up together because of Xiumin? What if Luhan was the one? What if Luhan longed for Xiumin like Xiumin longed for Luhan? What if they dated? 

What if...

Xiumin's hand hovered over the box Luhan left behind. Xiumin was sure Luhan forgot all about the box when he left for China. He was sure whatever was inside the box was not important to Luhan at all. He never tried opening it, respecting the former member's privacy but thinking about Luhan only made him more curious than before. The box just reached out to him. It was as if the box told him that it held all the answers to all of his "What if"s. Xiumin carried the box to his bed and slowly opened it. 

Inside the box were piles of letters. They were in different envelopes and different types of letters. He found some in Korean and some in Mandarin. He reached out for the top letter which was in a white envelope. When he opened the envelope, the scent of roses enveloped him. It was sweet, just like how Luhan smelled like. Xiumin sort of missed Luhan's scent. 

Xiumin opened the folded piece of paper and read the contents. 

You were the biggest mistake I ever met. 

Xiumin paused for a moment. His chest suddenly tightened. 

And yet, it was a miracle to meet you, the sweetest dumpling I never tasted. It was as if fate was cruel enough to send someone as perfect as you to someone as flawed as me. When I first met you, I felt something special between us but I knew it was one sided. You are straight. You will never hit on another guy. You will like a girl. And I will stay as your friend, even if it pains me to say so. 

Xiumin closed his eyes and soon, folded the paper again. What if he didn't lie about being biual? Would Xiumin and Luhan end up together? He wasn't sure. He tucked the letter in the envelope again and put it neatly in the box. He shuffled through the letters again and found the last one, the last one Luhan ever wrote before he decided to leave for China. 

I know I should say farewell as early as now but I didn't want to. Why? Because I don't plan on confessing my feelings for you just yet. And I hate myself for cowering away. I want to hold you close and never let go but fate's cruel. Fate brings you to me and now, I have to leave you behind. What else will I leave behind? My heart, which will always be with you. I don't want to leave under these circumstances but you know what I went through. I know you'll understand me best because you're my friend... and I'm only your friend. And I hate how we just stayed as friends even for all those years which passed by us. 

What if I confessed to you sooner? Would we go out? We won't. Because you will reject me. And the company will reject us. And everyone will judge me for being who I am, for being honest to my feelings so it's better if I shut up. But I do love you, Kim Minseok. And I will always love you. Even if we are miles apart, I will think about you always because my heart is yours. 

Xiumin closed the letter again, not wanting to burst into tears. He felt regret for not being completely honest with Luhan. He never expected Luhan to harbour this much for him. Xiumin never expected his best friend would feel like this. When Luhan left, Xiumin was left with question marks. And at that moment, most of his questions were answered. He slowly lifted the box's lid before closing the box once again. 

Xiumin knew Luhan was a "What if". And he'll remain one for a while. 

But Xiumin didn't mind. 

Luhan was his favourite "What if" after all.