CHAPTER 20

[Sol Han Na’s POV]

I was quietly sprawled on the cold floor, face pressed on my bed’s sheets, tired and wasted from hours of crying, when I heard my bedroom door creak open. Then came the painfully familiar footsteps – its sound I’d recognize anywhere in this world.

I pressed my face closer to the sheets, wishing the mere fact of doing it could hide me – could take me away. Because the last thing I want to be in right now is here, in my room, with him.

The footsteps stopped and I could almost imagine him standing behind me.

I wonder what he’s doing here.

To check on me?

To see how much I am breaking?

To see how much he’s hurting me?

To see how much damage he had caused?

To explain?

To apologize?

A lot of scenarios played inside my head but what my heart wanted most remained clear.

I’m not ready to face him.

“Leave,” I spoke, my voice raspy and uneven.

I waited for his footsteps but no sound ever came.

“Leave,” I repeated, more forcefully this time.

I heard his slow intake of breath.

“No,” he murmured, his voice low and lifeless.

“Leave,” I said again, the word creating another stab of pain.

Never in my whole life had I imagined I would ask him to go away.

Never in my whole life had I imagined I would ask him to leave me.

“We need to talk, Hanna,” he said, sounding both tired and begging. “Please.”

My hands tightened around the sheets I’m gripping, making my knuckles turn white.

“Leave,” I said again, my voice sounding more like a growl to my ears.

His footsteps began but they’re not moving away from me just like I’d hoped. Instead, they’re moving closer.

I inched closer to the bed reflexively, afraid of being near him.

He stopped.

I could almost imagine the expression registered in his face – pain and sadness.

I had just rejected him.

I had just cringed away from him.

Everything that’s happening right now is opposite of what we were before – close and inseparable.

It’s quite funny to think about how much things can change in a span of hours.

“Just listen to what I have to say, Hanna,” he spoke again in the same sad and pleading voice. “Please. Please. Just listen.”

The fact that he sounded like he’s in more pain, like he’s suffering more than I do, brought a sudden rush of anger in me.

“Listen?” I snapped, finally raising my head to face him. “What more do I have to know, Baekhyun? What more do I have to hear? How many more lies do you have to tell me? Can’t you see?”

I broke off, pointing a finger towards myself.

“You already broke me. You already killed the living daylights in me! Isn’t this enough?” I demanded, tears slowly filling my eyes again. “How much more broken do you want me to be? How much more pain do you want me to feel before you’d stop hurting me?”

Baekhyun didn’t answer.

He just stared at me with eyes filled with pain.

He looked like he’s about to cry just as I am.

I stood up and slowly made my way towards him, stopping only a few inches away.

Our eyes met and I could almost see the same amount of pain I am feeling reflected in his own eyes.

I dismissed the thought right away.

How could he possibly be hurting if he already has Taeyeon anyway?

“You had ignored me for two days,” I spoke again, maintaining the level of our gaze. “Two days, Baekhyun. Two days!”

I bit my lip hard as I tried to stop myself from crying.

But it did no help.

Tears began to fall from my eyes again in fast and steady streams.

“I thought it was only one of your mood swings, something we could easily fix through a simple talk,” I continued in between fits of sobs. “But I was wrong, Baek. Two days passed with you barely speaking to me. God, you didn’t even spare a single glance at me!”

The sudden sharpness in my voice made him flinch but I’m still so far from stopping.

“You made me look like an idiot, waiting for a piece of your attention,” I said, my voice lowering down to a whisper. I took a step closer to him, our eyes still fixed with one another. “But do you know what the most painful part is? It’s the fact that after you ignored me, after you kept me in the dark, I woke up to hear the news about your relationship… I woke up and realized that you and Taeyeon are already together. I woke up and knew that the guy I love already belongs to someone else! I woke up and realized that the guy who promised me so many things had left me without even saying goodbye!”

I began to cry so hard I was almost sure my lungs were about to burst but I kept my gaze on him.

He had already begun to cry too.

Not the painful sobs like mine, but the kind where tears slowly fall from his eyes as he stared straight at me.

“I thought you promised you’d never hurt me, Baek?” I whimpered. “I thought you said there’s no one else for you but me? I thought you said you’d never leave me?”

Baekhyun in a sharp breath which sounded almost like a sob to me, making me stop.

I took another tentative step closer.

“But why? Why is this happening? Why are you hurting me? Why are you with somebody else? Why did you leave me?”

Another sob broke through Baekhyun but he fought hard to maintain the gaze.

I, on the other hand, stopped myself from hugging him – from trying to comfort him. I might be mad, so mad I could almost feel the intense desire to hurt him, but above that… I still love him.

I still care for him.

“You had my hopes up too high, Baek. You made me trust you so much,” I said slowly, shaking my head. “But then you did this… You hurt me… You left me and made me go through all the pain alone… I don’t think I could even bare to hear another word from you.”

Pain more intense than I could ever imagine flickered in Baekhyun’s eyes. Suddenly, he stopped sobbing. If not for the slow rise and fall of his chest, I would’ve thought he’d stopped breathing too. He stared at me with eyes wide, like he’s trying to contemplate whether he heard the right thing – whether it’s really me he’s talking to.

I took his silence as a chance to finish what I wanted to say.

“Never in my whole life had I imagined I would ever think of regretting my decision to go here. Never in my whole life had I imagined I would ever regret meeting you.”

I stopped, watching him closely.

“I know leaving the boys would be impossible. I know leaving this life wouldn’t help. But if only there’s a way I could undo my feelings towards you, Baekhyun,” I murmured, closing in the last few inches between us. I stared at him with every sincerity and force I could muster and spoke the final words, “I swear, I would take it.”

Everything happened so fast after that.

I watched as the lights seem to dim out of Baekhyun’s eyes.

I watched as the last of his tears fell.

Everything happened so fast I wasn’t even aware about anything but the fact that Baekhyun’s lips are on mine.

He kissed me like he is utterly hungry for it.

He kissed me like this is the last time he is going to be able to do it.

He kissed me like nothing else matters in this world but just him and I.

He kissed me like he is trying to put all the sadness and pain and longing and emptiness he had felt these past few days into that single kiss.

He kissed me like he still loves me.

He kissed me like he still adores me.

He kissed me like I am still the one who owns his heart.

I know I ought to push him away – how this kiss greatly contradicts every word I spat at him.

But even my body doesn’t seem to want to listen to me.

Even my body knows what it wants – what it needs.

I closed my eyes as I slowly felt myself drowning in the intensity of what’s happening.

Baekhyun’s kissing me.

He’s kissing me so passionately than he ever did before.

He’s holding me close against him like he doesn’t care whether I break or shatter.

He’s holding me like any minute I might push him away.

He’s holding me like he’s going to lose me forever if he ever let me go.

The moment felt so surreal, so intense, that I just found myself kissing him back.

Our lips grazed one another in slow breathtaking and suddenly, everything seemed to click into place.

Baekhyun still loves me.

And I still love him all the same.

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