CHAPTER 17

[Sol Han Na’s POV]

I was spared from having to ride with Baekhyun when Manager Song quickly rode on their van, silently helping me get away.

I succeeded in keeping myself composed in front of the members but that doesn’t mean I’m not breaking inside.

Still… I’m hurting.

With my heart thumping inside my chest, my eyes won’t stop darting towards Baekhyun.

It just won’t stop looking for him.

I have stared at him a lot of times, taking glances, but not once did he ever returned the gaze back.

He never looked at me.

Maybe he doesn’t really care about me now, I thought to myself.

This isn’t the Baekhyun I love and know.

This isn’t the Baekhyun who promised he would never hurt me.

This isn’t the Baekhyun who puts me on his first priority every single time.

This isn’t the Baekhyun who would come and comfort me in just a split second once he knew I am sad, frustrated, or hurt.

This isn’t the Baekhyun who promised to never leave me alone.

This isn’t the guy I gave my heart to.

This isn’t my Baekhyun.

Of course, my subconscious corrected, he belongs to someone else now.

I felt the huge lump on my throat and swallowed hard, trying to fight back the tears.

I let my eyes leave Baekhyun and clumsily boarded the van.

“Whoa, steady,” a voice spoke just as a pair of hands held my waist, catching me as a slip and almost fell.

I looked behind me.

“Oppa,” I blurted in surprise. I was about to ride on the EXO-M’s van and Kyungsoo is the least person I am expecting to save me.

He smirked.

“I was just about to ride our van when I saw you. You look unsteady, Hanna. Are you okay?” he said, his eyes observing.

I gulped and forced myself to smile.

“Y-Yes, oppa. Just a little bit dizzy, that’s all,” I lied.

Kyungsoo seemed to be unconvinced for a moment but he let the topic slid off. His hands left my waist and went to my arms, helping me ride on the passenger seat.

“If you say so,” he murmured as he reached across me and fixed my seatbelt. He stepped back as soon as he’s finished. “See you at the company.”

“T-Thanks, oppa,” I whispered as Kyungsoo waved his hand and closed the door shut.

I cannot help but sigh.

I want to be alone.

I don’t want anything except to be alone right now.

I want to be left to grieve on my own.

I want to cry and let the pain swallow me.

I want to cry and let all the feelings out.

I don’t want to be like this – a walking lie, a walking pretention.

I don’t want to pretend like I’m okay.

I don’t want to contain all the pain and sorrow.

I want to scream and cry my heart out because if I don’t… I have no idea for how much long I could take this.

I don’t know for how much long I’d be able to stop myself from bursting out.

I just want to be alone and suffer.

I just want all of this to be over.

“Just when will we ever have a normal day?” I heard Chen spoke from behind, waking me up from my reverie.

“First, Kris… Now this… I’m so tired of all these issues,” Xiumin added, sounding tired.

I heard someone sigh.

“I know we’ve all been expecting this with Baekhyun and Taeyeon noona but… God… I’m still surprised,” Luhan spoke. His head suddenly poke beside me and I almost jumped in surprise. “What do you think, Hanna? You look quite shaken a while ago.”

My hands began to shake.

“I… I….” I broke off. I rummaged my head for anything to say. God, why does he have to surprise me? I hid my hands on my sides, careful not to let him see my nerves. I bit my lip hard before I answered, “I think… as long as the two of them are happy… there’s nothing wrong with it…oppa.”

Liar, my subconscious answered in an instant.

Luhan shrugged and went back to his seat.

“Hanna’s right. Let’s just be happy that they’re happy,” Lay spoke. “They both deserve it anyway.”

The boys turned silent and so I was given the time to think peacefully.

Are they really happy? I asked myself.

It’s still too early to know the answer for I haven’t seen them together yet. I couldn’t even conclude anything based on the photos I’ve seen this morning.

But the kiss.

That kiss kept bugging me.

If Baekhyun had let her kiss him then maybe…

I shook my head, trying to clear the thoughts away.

My heart began thumping just as the pain bloomed inside my chest again.

Until when do I have to hurt like this?

If Baekhyun and Taeyeon really do love each other…

And the two of them really are happy…

Then what will happen to me?

I remembered the way I answered Luhan.

“As long as the two of them are happy, nothing’s wrong with it.”

But could I really do it?

Could I really be happy for the two of them?

Could I really bear to see them together and remain quiet in the sidelines?

Could I really let Baekhyun go?

I felt my throat tighten and knew I am on the verge of tears again.

I took my phone out of my pocket and plugged my earphones on.

I closed my eyes just as the upbeat music began to ring in my ears.

Switching the volume up to the loudest, I let myself get drunk on the music, willing the pain to go away.

***

I unbuckled my seat belt and jumped off the van as soon as we arrived.

The EXO-K members arrived first and they are patiently waiting for us at the parking lot.

Baekhyun turned to leave as soon as we’re complete.

He can’t even bear to be at the same place with me now, I thought painfully to myself.

I caught Manager Song looking at me with intense worry in her eyes and gave her a slight nod, hoping to assure her that I’m still doing fine and I’m still not going to fall apart.

The EXO-M members planked me on both sides as we entered the building.

Heads turned towards our direction as we walked. However, this time, people are not looking at all of us – they’re only centered with one – Baekhyun.

Baekhyun kept walking with his head up high, completely unconcerned with the number of his viewers.

Stop looking at him. Why do you still keep on looking at him? my subconscious scolded me.

I wanted to tear my eyes away from him.

I wanted to stop looking at him.

But I can’t.

I am so used to always observing him – his movements, his smile, his reactions, the way his eyes seem to soften every time they met mine, the way his face changes every time he sees me…

I’ll miss those things.

I’ll miss seeing those changes in him every time he sees me.

I’ll miss those things he does only for me.

“Noona!” I heard someone call, catching my attention.

I turned around and saw Taeyong running towards my direction. He stopped in front of me, his hand clutching his chest as he tried to catch his breath.

My eyes immediately shot towards Baekhyun knowing that normally, this would have made him jealous.

I almost felt my heart stop when I caught him staring at Taeyong.

But his gaze left him so fast I almost want to believe I was only imagining things.

He continued to walk with his hands confidently in his pockets.

“H-Hey, Taeyong,” I greeted half-heartedly. Before, talking to Taeyong like this would’ve had Baekhyun fuming in anger. He might as well have stared daggers at Taeyong now. But unfortunately, it seemed like it doesn’t affect him anymore – like he doesn’t even care whether I speak to Taeyong the whole day.

Things ha