"At least you didn’t get rods,” Heechul pointed out on the phone.

“Yeah that’s a good point I guess,” I replied looking at my battered leg.

The machine next to me let out a loud beep as my daily dose of pain killers filled through my IV.

“Did you get my flowers?”

“Yeah,” I turned my head to look at a large blue vase that was full of an assortment of flowers.

“What about the box of ginseng?”

I looked over to the small crimson box that laid underneath a pile of fan letters.

“Yeah I got that too. Thank you very much Hyung,” I thanked him because I knew that even a hospital bed wouldn’t stop the wrath of Heechul.

“You know I would come and visit but-“

“But you hate hospitals,” I answered for him.

“Yeah,” he replied in a weak voice. ”Plus Super Junior is in the middle of a comeback this month and Eunhyuk would kill me if I skipped practice to visit you. Ever since Leeteuk left he's been up everyone’s-"

“Is he really that bad?” I questioned as I stared at the brown spot on the ceiling which was something I had been doing for more often than I would have liked.

“It’s not like he’s a bad leader it’s just that he doesn’t know how to keep us focus or together. It also doesn't help that Leeteuk didn’t officially name a leader when he left,” he told me as he sighed on the phone.

“But you guys seem fine on stage. Everybody seems in key and in sync,” I pointed out thinking back to the times I’ve seen Super Junior perform on stage. Even with nine members they were still as powerful as when there were thirteen members.

“Yeah but you know that being a leader is more than just making sure that all the members are doing the right moves or lines. We have more arguments then we used to even when we were trainees. Eunhyuk doesn’t know when to be a soft or a hard leader like Leeteuk was,” he admitted.

“Just give him time,” I pointed out. Leading six boys was hard enough but I couldn’t even dream about doing it to three more.

“It’s not his fault I guess. Plus we can all see that he's trying to be the best but it’s just different when we’re missing members. It's like missing a arm or a leg it doesn't really work the same as it use to,” he told me. “Oh shi-“

“Hey who are you talking to?” A voice asked in the background.

“No one,” Heechul answered in a monotone voice.

“If you’re talking to Sunggyu tell him that all our h-“

I heard a banging noise cutting off the person's voice.

“Who was that and what did you just do?” I questioned him.

“It’s Siwon he wants to give you a bible or some corny speech that everything is going to be alright,” Heechul stated in a tired voice. “I’m pretty sure you’re tired of hearing that anyways.”

“Yeah I am,” I admitted truthfully.

“I bet you’re already tired of the news reports,” he went on.

“Yeah I am.”

“Oh and Music Bank and Music Core are doing a tribute night for Infinite and Sungjong.”

“Yeah and that too,” I answered dully.

“Wait what?!” I shot up from the bed and held the phone as close as I could to my ear.

“You didn’t hear about it I guess?” Heechul answered.

“No I mean I think I heard Jungryu mention something about it,” I admitted closing my eyes tightly trying to remember anything about this.

“They also didn’t tell you that Myungsoo was going to be there to do a speech?” he asked me slowly.

“He’s doing what!!” I yelled as my leg almost fell out of the harness.

“Shindong confirmed it a couple of days ago. Didn’t your Mangers tell you anything? I heard they are also trying to get you to do a video,” Heechul told me honestly. He was never the one to lie about anything.

“A video for Music Core? Why would they think I wou-“

There was a loud knocking on the door distracting me from the phone call.

“Hey can I call you back later?" I asked eyeing the door.

“Okay. Oh and Sunggyu don’t enjoy that pain medicine too much,” Heechul teased me.

“I won't Hyung. Oh and I'll call you later about Music Core...bye,” I replied as I clicked the end button.

The door slid open revealing Infinite’s little elephant standing there with a bouquet of flowers in her hands.

“Jiae,” I smiled at the teenage girl.

Tears were streaming down her face as she let out a strange sob. “Oh Oppa!”

The first time I met Jiae was for the television show you’re my oppa. I thought the whole TV show was stupid and a waste of our time. Yet Jung Yeop thought the idea would boost our popularity before we debut. So we were stuck taking care of a high school student while practicing for our debut. I had prayed for a girl like Hyuna but instead I had gained Jiae.

 At first I disliked Jiae for her blunt attitude and the way she was distracting the members.

I’m not sure when it happen but suddenly I felt myself developing attachment towards the young girl. Her bluntness was the only part of her I knew back then but now I can see that she is funny, awkward, cute, and very talented.

Even when the show ended we still kept in touch. Woohyun and I even talked Jung Yeop in letting her become a trainee. Part of the reason was because Jiae was talented but lacked confidence and experiences something that Woollim could give her. The other reason was so she didn’t have to completely leave them.

No matter what they said she was still Infinite sister.

Jiae threw the flowers on to my already crowded dresser and quickly sat down in the chair next to my bed.

Now that she was just inches from the bed I could see her face clearly. My stomach turned into knots as my eyes scanned over her.

Her round cheeks were slimmer making her jaw line into a sharp V shape.

No I liked her rounder cheeks better. Jiae wasn’t fat but the little bit of baby fat on her cheeks reminded him of how young she really was.

Her black hair was placed into a messy braid and her pale skin was greasy and red as if she had forgotten to wash herself.

“You should take a shower,” I pointed out crossing my arms.

Jiae ignored me as she grabbed ahold of my hand,” Oppa are you okay.

“I’m fine. I’ve taken so many vitamins throughout the years allowing me to heal faster,” I lied with a sweet smile.

“Oppa we both know you’re the weakest member,” she sighed.

“I thought that would be Sungyeol? He’s always running into things and getting sick,” I replied.

“Yeah but it usually goes unnoticed since he never complains about it,” Jiae laughed.

“And I do?”

“Well Oppa you’re not the quietest member when you’re sick or injured,” Jiae smiled brightly.

If one of the members made this comment they would have been smacked but not Jiae.

“Not that I mind you visiting to tell me all my faults but why are you here? You’re supposed to be practicing for your comeback. You’re never going to succeed if you’re always running off to play with your friends or visiting your opp-“

“I already had the day off because Sungjong's parents decided to cancel the funeral,” Jiae told me looking down at her feet.

“Oh,” I nodded understanding the situation.

Last night he almost cried in relief when Manager Jungryu had come to tell him that Sungjong’s parents had decided to not turn off the ventilator keeping their son alive.

If you could call having machines keeping your heart beating and blood circulating living.

“I saw him,” Jiae's voice brought me back into reality.

“Saw who?” I asked her even though I already knew the answer.

“Sungjong,” she answered simply.

My heart dropped again.

“It looks like he is sleeping except for the fact he’s not....he would be happy though. His face isn’t ruined and he still has his perfect body but uh the machines are kind-“

“Jiae.”

“Annoying because you know of the beeping and aish-“

“Jiae,” I grabbed ahold of her shaking arm and pulled her into an awkward hug. She let out a sob as my hospital gown was soaked in her tears.

“I know,” I whispered rubbing her back.

I could feel my throat began to tighten as tears started to beg to be released.

I cleared my throat and blinked my eyes a couple of times preventing any tears from falling.

I couldn’t cry.

I was the leader and if I couldn’t keep it together then who would. I had to pick up the pieces and I didn’t have enough time to deal with depression or grief.

I was the leader after all.

“It’ll be okay,” I whispered as I rubbed her back.

“Oppa I don’t want to be a singer,” she told me as she pulled back from my arms.

“What?”

“I don’t think I can do this anymore being a singer or an entertainer. Sungjong was amazing and look what happen to him! I’m not even that great of a singer-“

“Stop.”

“Now the fans are starting a war all over the internet and I’m finally thinking is this all worth it,” she sobbed out as she cried.

“Yoo Jiae stop it! Don’t be so dumb!” I shouted.

“But Oppa-“

“No!! Accidents happen all the time even to celebrities or government officials. It doesn’t matter who you are destiny is destiny. Also stop talking about quitting. You know full well that Sungjong would toss you down the stairs if he heard you right now. We both know that singing is what you really want to do and you’re good at it too. I’m not saying that as your Oppa but as a Sunbae. You’re really good so don’t let this make you throw away your dreams. Do you remember what I told you?” I asked her.

“What?” she looked up at me. “When?”

“The day you decided to become a trainee,” I told her.

We sat there in silence for a couple minutes and I was about to say something but then Jiae started to talk again. “Yes you told me to not be trapped in someone else’s dream."

“If this is your dream than be selfish. Don’t let other people or things turn you away from it. Being talented in singing or dancing has nothing to do with your dreams. Having a dream means risking everything for that one time you don't fall down and fail. But if this isn’t what you really want then quit but you better not regret it because there is a whole street full of trainees that would murder you for your for your place.”

Jiae wiped away some of her tears making me regret the words I had just told her.

“Jiae I’m sorry-“

“Oppa you know I didn’t mean it. I’m just upset and you’re acting like you don’t care about what happen to Sungjong. I thought you would be a mess but I guess you have better things to do like going on music core,” she pointed out harshly.

Ah now the real Jiae is here.

My eyes started to feel heavy as my hourly dose of pain medicine was finally sinking in.

“Ah you heard that,” I replied trying to open my eyes wider.

“Yeah I did. How could you even be thinking about music core right now? You can’t even get out of bed or even go to a bathroom,” she snapped crossing her arms.

“Hey I can go to the bathroom just fine” I mumbled to myself trying not to think about the tube that was attached to my-

“Anyways Jung Yeop gave us a break and I intend on using it,” I informed her.

“So no music core?” she asked me.

“They want to set up some memorial for Sungjong but like you said I can barely get out of my bed so I will not be attending,” I told her honestly.

She shut tightly as she played with the corner of my sheet. “Sorry.”

“What?” I asked cocking my head to the side.

“I’m sorry that I jumped to conclusions,” she answered with a sigh.

“And…”

She glared at me but kept on talking,” And I’m sorry that I eavesdropped on your conversation.”

 “It’s okay elephant,” I smiled tiredly patting her head.

“Aish I hate it when you call me that,” she retorted pushing the hand off of her head.

“I think it suits you,” I told her as I yawned widely.

“I think you resemble a hamster but I don’t go around calling you that Oppa,” she noted as she fixed her hair.

“I would-“

The sounds of a girls generation new song oh my oh blasted throughout the room causing me to jump from the sudden noise.

“Sorry,” she told me as she answered the phone call.

“Hello….I went to school….yes….no….really I am….fine….I understand,” she hanged up the phone and frown slightly as she kicked my beds wheel.

“I thought you said that you were free today,” I exclaimed.

“I am or I was I mean I did have it off but Manger Oppa thought it would be good if I practiced,” she told me.

“Go,” I told her simply.

“But Oppa you will be alone,” she pointed out as she grabbed my arm.

“I’ll be fine,” I replied yawning.

“Are you sure,” she questioned looking at the door then back to me.

“I will be fine,” I replied slowly closing my eyes.

I was too tired to even care if it was rude to fall asleep.

“I’ll be back soon don’t worry Oppa. I promise I won’t give up on my dream so don’t worry about me…okay,” she told me as my mind drifted away.

“I see you’re taking full advantage of Jung Yeop’s orders,” a voice interrupted my dreams.                                                                                                    

I let out a groan as I forced my eyes to open. I let out another groan as I saw Manager Jungryu sitting next to my bed.

“I’m still dreaming,” I croaked out turning my head away from Jungryu.

“Ah you dream about me?” Jungryu smiled tiredly.

“It’s more like a nightmare,” I retorted rubbing my eyes.

“This situation is more like a nightmare,” he admitted running his hand through his hair.

“Is it really that bad?” I questioned waiting for the worst answer.

Jungryu and I had formed an honest relationship between manager and singer. He would tell me what was happening in Woollim offices and I would tell him about how Infinite was really doing. At the time it seemed like a fair trade but right now I wanted nothing but lies.

“Woollim offices are a mess making it almost impossible to do any work. It also doens't help that Gonam is still on leave. The fans won’t leave the hospital or the crash site. Jung Yeop is conflicted on whether to disband infinite-“

“No,” I shouted sitting up from the bed which caused a shock of pain to run up my spine to my injured leg “T-that’s the most stup-“

Jungryu grabbed my hand stopping my sputtering mouth.

“Listen it’s not going to happen,” he reassured me.

“But you just said-“

“Disbanding is the last resort.”

I let the words stink in that Infinite would still be a band. “So what’s the first resort?”

“Like I said Jung Yeop is conflicted on what to do. We had a comeback next month and a two month Asia tour to compete. Fans have already paid for the tickets so if Jung Yeop cancels it he will have to offer a refund. That could send the company back thousands of dollars,” he informed me.

“So he wants us to regroup, practice, then go on stage and act like nothing happen?” I retorted trying to stay as calm as possible.

“That’s thing Jung Yeop doesn’t think you should regroup not right now or even in a couple of months.”

My jaw dropped. “Wait what?”

“He understands that the members and even the fans need time to mourn. Jung Yeop isn’t all bad he really does care about you,” Jungryu admitted.

Mourn. I was sick of that word.

How much longer did I have to mourn before things could go back to normal?

“It’s nice to hear that Jung Yeop cares but why are you here? I thought you were wicked busy?” I questioned.

“Ah you see Jung Yeop sent me,” he admitted.

“He sent you?”

Usually this question would send me into a panic but not this time.

“Before the accident do you remember talking to Kim Jong-wan about singing in the new Nell album,” Jungryu asked me,

“So that’s why you’re here,” I sighed as I crossed my arms.

“I’m here to see you too,” Jungryu argued as he picked up a bowl of uneaten soup.

“Or did you come here to eat a handicap's food?” I pointed out reaching out and grabbing the soup from his hands which caused it to spill all over my hands.

“Ow!” I shouted almost dropping the soup but Jungryu quickly grabbed it from my hands and placed it back down on the nightstand.

“Are you okay,” he asked quickly as he scanned my broken body.

“Aish! I’m fine,” I said wiping the broth onto my shirt.

“Now you’re going to have to change your clothes,” Jungryu pointed out.

“Like it matters” I scoffed. “So what are you talking about? I’m still going to be recording a song with Jong-wan Hyung?”

The whole reason why I joined Woollim was because of Nell. If Jung Yeop could take four guys and make them into one of the best indie bands than he could do the same for me. It never crossed my mind that I would be placed into a boy band instead.

Jong-wan had taught me so much more about music then any college class could offer.

He even gave me a song for my new album called Shine. So when the situation arise where I could perform with Nell I jumped on it.

“Listen Nell has already recorded their parts for that song all that is missing is your voice. We need to know if you’re willing to sing just a couple of lines. I know it seems unfair but you can say no if you wan-“

“I’ll do it,” I told him without a second thought.

“But you’re still injured,” he mumbled looking at my leg that was hanging up in the air.

“Did you come here to talk me out of singing?” I asked him.

“No I mean it’s up to you. I know how excited you were to perform with Nell before the accident. Although there will be other chances in the future if you don’t take this one,” Jungryu reassured me although I knew he was lying.

Infinite's schedule was busy even busier than any other Woollim artist. I guess that’s what you get when you are the breadwinner of Woollim.

I sighed, “What about the Doctors? They barely let me take a piss without their permission.”

“They gave the okay. Although it might be uncomfortable at first so the doctor subscribed some pain killers,” he informed me.

“Okay but one more question. How can I preform when I’m stuck in this bed,” I pointed out.

“Ah you see that is where we become creative,” he smiled widely.

“Creative?” I raised an eyebrow questionably.

“Be careful with that,”Jungryu instructed as they moved a very expensive amp into my room or should I say homemade recording studio. The hospital room was empty out except for my bed it was then filled with speakers, amps, mics, and any other equipment you could find in a recording studio.

I looked down at the sheet music once again trying to zone out Manger hyung barking out orders. I only had to sing three lines.

At midnight when I’m down you’re always there in a million of ways.

Please don’t leave all these memories in a box at my door.

I’m nothing without you.

I could do these in my sleep but that was before the car accident and before the broken ribs.

I felt my head sway from side to side as I tried to keep myself from falling asleep or loosing concentration. The medicine I was given was working a little bit too good.

“Okay Sunggyu we're all ready,” Jungryu told me as he placed the microphone on the bedside table right in front of me.

“Okay,” I placed the lyrics down and grabbed the headphones that were lying next to the microphone. I naturally placed them around my neck as I have done many times before. I closed my eyes as I tried to imagine that I was back in the recording studio.

No it wasn’t a recording studio to me it was my therapy.

It was the only thing that kept me sane throughout all of the ups and downs of being an idol.

“Okay we’re going to start now. Just take it easy,” Manger Hyowan instructed as I opened my eyes.

Acoustic guitar and the slow beating of drums filled my headphones. Jong-wan's voice sent shivers down my spine as I felt my mind becoming numb. My head bounced back in forth as the course of the song was forming together.

I moved my mouth closer to the small microphone as my part was coming near.

“At mid-“

SREEKEE CRUNCH.

Sungjong's screams filled my ears as I ripped off the headphones and threw them to the side.

“What-“

“Go away!” I shouted hitting the microphone sending it toppling to the ground.

“Calm down,” someone said as they grabbed my shaky arm.

For some reason in that moment it had hit me. That the boy who I had yelled at countless of times was never coming home. The thoughts of living in a world where the other members didn’t exist was tearing my heart apart. For the first time in years I finally let tears slide down my cheeks.