“Are you even listening to me,” my father scolded me.

I bit the bottom of my lip roughly trying to keep my thoughts inside.

“I don’t understand why you're coming home so late when you don’t have a job!

Your Umma stayed up all night worrying about you and you couldn't even wake up in the morning to eat her food,” my father screamed. His sweaty face had turned a dark shade of red as he waved his clench fist through the air.

I looked at the floor hoping that it would soothe his anger but it made it worse.

“It’s been two weeks and you're still living at home like a beggar. We need to come up with a plan of what you are going to do while you live in this house. Do you even know what you are going to do?” my father questioned me for the tenth time today.

“Appa if I knew I wouldn’t be here,” I snapped looking up at him.

His eyes grew wide as he let out a loud sigh. “Are you talking back to me now? When your mother and I let you live in this house after what happen last time."

“No,” I looked down once again. “I’m sorry.”

“What are you going to do Howon? I’ve talked to your managers and they don’t think you’re going to be promoting anytime soon. You can't live here for free and dancing doesn't pay the bills,” he pointed out.

“I’m not going to work at your company,” I told him taking a deep breath.

“Being an idol isn’t smart for your future. It’s unstable and you don’t even get benefits or a salary. I’ve talked to Minjun and he has a position open in his department. You would be just filing papers but at least it’s a stable job and you always have a chance of moving up within the company,” he nodded agreeing with each word he was saying.

“Appa I’ll be fine so you don’t have to worry about me,” I told him.

“Just come into work with me tomorrow. You can see for yourself what it would be like to have a normal job and I promise you will like it,” he tried to convince me.

I took a deep breath ready for another argument to erupt.  “I’m on a break but that doesn’t mean I’m homeless or a beggar. I only came home because of Umma so please don’t turn this around on me. If you want me to leave then I'll go back to Seoul.”

“When are you going to grow up? Why can’t you be like your siblings and get a real job!” he yelled at me as he jabbed his finger in my direction.

I rolled my eyes which was the worst thing to do in a situation like this.

His eyes grew wide as he tilted his head at me. “You bastard did you just roll your eyes at me! Do you take me as a joke-”

“Yeobo calm down,” my mother came out of the kitchen with a bowl of fruit in her hands. “Even if Howon stayed home last night I still would have stayed up all night listening to your snoring!”

“I don’t snore,” my father argued.

“Just keep living in denial," my mother sighed. "Howon why don't you go wash up before dinner?"

My mother didn't need to tell me twice, any excuse to get away was fine with me.

As I made my way to the hallway I could hear a loud slapping sound then my father shouting in pain.

He should have known to not mess around with mother.

When I made it to my bedroom I quickly close the door shutting the world out.

This room used to be filled with my belongings but now it's just a guest bedroom without any traces of my past inhabitants.

My bag was placed in the corner of the room still neatly packed because soon I would be called back to Seoul. I quickly open the bag and grabbed out a towel and a set of new clothes. I laid out the clothes on my bed making sure they were appropriate not wanting to start another fight with my father. Although lately everything I did set my father off into a rampaged.

The water was cold but I didn't mind. I had been in the shower for a good hour and I was surprised my father wasn't banging on the door telling me to get out. It had been a while since I've had this much time on my own and I didn't know what to do with myself. We were never allowed to shower this long in the dorms. Living in the dorms with eight different men had its pros and cons. We never had any privacy but we were never alone.

No.

We were never alone.

 We always had someone to talk and argue with and to laugh with or at.

Now it was all gone and it's nothing we did wrong. We didn't do anything wrong but yet we were getting punished.

I clenched my fist thinking about all the hard work and the hours of dancing one move over and over again until it became perfect. I had left everything to pursue my dreams and I was not about to give it up.

I had ruined my relationships with my family members and even gave up my education to pursue my dream. I don't regret dropping out of high school although sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I had stayed.

Would I have been happier?

No I don't think I would be but I do miss my father. I miss joking around with him and watching six hour program with him.

So yeah if there is one thing I regret its giving up my father to chase my dream.

I took another dollop of soap and started to scrub my body once again. My hands slid over a small scar on my right ribs. I had gotten it from a fight years ago when I was doing taekwondo.

"Appa are you sure I can win," I asked looking down at the floor.

"Not with an attitude like that you’re not," my father told me sternly as he crossed his arms.

“But Appa those boys are a lot bigger than me,” I pointed out looking at the boys who stood at the other side of the room warming up. Their legs were at least a foot longer than mine but what scared me the most were their arms. They were full of muscles making my toned arms look scrawny.

“Bruce Lee could beat up guys ten times his size,” my father noted.

I cocked my head to the side. “Who’s Bruce Lee?”

“It doesn’t matter who he is. All that matters is that you’re going to win,” My father said brightly.

I didn’t win.

No on the contrary I was hit so many times that it felt as if I had become a punching bag. With each punch I could see my father’s face become darker and darker. Our drive home was silent and he didn’t speak to me till months later. It was only till later that I found out that Father had boasted at work that his young son was going to fight above his age range. Too bad I lost horribly causing my father to become a laughing stock at work.

It wasn’t my fault he thought I was some type of Jackie Chan prodigy. That was the first time I had disappointed him and it wouldn’t be the last.

 I was walking home with my mp3 player blasting in my ears trying to push away the thoughts. It’s been a week and nothing had happen but I knew the explosion was coming near.

The school uniform I was wearing kept on reminding me of the lies. I didn’t want to lie but I had no other choice. I just needed time to figure out how to tell my parents especially my father.

I turned off the mp3 player and placed it into my bag not wanting to draw any attention.

The minute I open the door I knew something was amiss. Whenever I came home from school my mother would be in the kitchen making food or doing some sort of cleaning.

But the house was deadly silent and I should've run but I didn’t.

I quietly took off my shoes hoping that if anyone was home they wouldn’t notice me.

“HOWON GET IN HERE!” my father’s voice echoed off the walls.

.

Why was he here? He should be at the office till late tonight.

I looked at the door calculating if I had a chance of leaving without my Father noticing.

“HOWON I KNOW YOUR HOME!!”

.

It was coming.

I had rehearsed this scene so many times in my mind that it almost didn’t even seem real.

My Father was sitting in the living room still wearing his work suit next to him was my mother whose eyes were bright red. She bit her lip as she saw me enter the room.

“How was school,” my father asked and I knew that he found out.

“It was okay.”

I haven’t gone to school in almost a week.

“Do you think I’m really that stupid?” my father snarled.

“W-What,” I sputtered out.

Oh god he really does know.

The blood rushed to my face as I stood there ready for the blow out.

“Explain this,” my father snapped, reaching into his pocket and throwing an envelope in my direction.

I didn’t even have to look down to see that it was my drop out form that I had turned in last week.

“Appa I want to be a rapper and a dancer and I won’t become successful if I have to go to school every day,” I told him bravely.

My father scoffed as he sat up straight from his seat. “You’re going back to school tomorrow. I’ve talked to the headmaster and they are willing to forget about your mistake if you come back to school tomorrow. You can still graduate if you really push yourself.”

I bit my lip trying to stop myself from agreeing with him. It was the right thing to do but I didn’t want to do the right thing anymore.

“No.”

His eyes grew wide, “Why you little-“

“Yeobo,” my mother interrupted him placing a hand on his arm.

“You’ve been lying to us all week!”

“Sorry.” I told him and I really was sorry.

“You’ve been lying to me and worst of all to your Umma. I want you out of my house,” my father snapped pushing off my mother’s hand.

“What?”

“Get out.”

“A-Appa.”

“No,” he told me sternly. “When you decided to ruin your future you also made a choice to abandon your family. So leave now you’re no longer my son.”

Out of all the situations that I had run throughout my head this one never came up.

I knew there would be yelling and tears but I never thought I would have to leave my home.

I never thought it would come down to that.

“Your Umma has packed you some clothes and money.” My father pointed to a gym bag that lay next to the doorway. “Be glad we're giving you this much.”

“Where am I supposed to go,” I asked choking back the tears.

“We don’t care you’re not our problem anymore,” my Father informed me.

“Umma you’re not going to let him do this to me are you?” I asked my mother taking a step forward.

She didn’t look at me instead she looked at my father who was now glaring at me.

“When you finally get your head on straight you can come home,” my father told me.

“If giving up my dream means I can come home then I will never take a footstep inside of this house. This is goodbye then."

I grabbed the bag off the floor and ran towards the door.

This was my dream and I was selfish enough to not give up on it.

I rather die than prove to my Father that he was right.

I turned off the shower, grabbing a towel off of the toilet seat. I quickly tied it to my waist then made my way into the hallway. The shower had seemed to help although the problem of my father was still on my mind.

I think it was time to head back to the dorm. I can get more answers plus there is the dance studio.

I open the door and was about to walk in when I noticed that someone was leaning over my empty bag.

"What's his code? 1...4...5...6?" A loud beep went off as my phone denied her entry.

"4...5...9...0?"

Beep.

"5...9...6...7?"

Beep

"It's 2290," I told her.

Her head snapped around as she dropped the phone on to the bag. Her eyes widen as she realized that she was caught red handed.

She smiled widely and I braced myself for what was going to happen next.

"Oh Howon! Your phone was going off so I was just going to check it," she said in a fake voice.

"Can you get out," I told her leaning over to grab the phone off of the floor.

"Sure Howon! I'll see you later," my sister replied in a high pitch voice.

I spun around as she walked out the door.  "Don't you dare take photos of me while I'm changing."

"I told you already that was an accident," my sister pointed out still smiling.

"Oh one more thing noona," I called after her as I walk to the doorway. "Stay out of my room and out of my stuff."

The doors slammed with a loud bang making me immediately regret doing it.

"Howon be nicer to your noona!” My mother called from the kitchen.

I rolled my eyes as I walked back over to my bag which was now lying on top of my belongings. I quickly picked up the clothes I had laid out earlier and changed into them.

It wasn't always like this growing up.

I had a normal family life with a mother who was a little too nosey and a father who always worked late. I had an older brother who was my hero. I had an older sister who used to stay up late to help me with my homework.

I refuse to believe that my dream had pushed everyone to this. This was life and I knew that everything changes eventually. I just didn't expect my family to change.

I open my bedroom door and I was immediately attacked by something large.

I had just enough time to place my hands up to my face before I met the cold ground. I could hear laughter and I knew right away it was my older brother.

I let out a groan of frustration as I wiggled my way from underneath my brother. I sat up and looked at him as he was lying on the ground laughing hysterically at what he had just done.

"What was that for?" I asked standing up to my feet.

"I was just playing around," he laughed.

"So you attack people for fun?" I frowned not really finding it funny.

"Come on it was just a joke," my brother pointed out.

"Well I don't find it very funny and I have to get going," I told him as I push past.

"Howon," my brother called after me.

But I was already at the doorway placing my shoes on.

"Howon are you leaving the house again? Where are you going this time?" My father yelled from the living room.

"I'll be home earlier tonight I promise," I told him as I open the front door.

"You can't just leave this house whenever you want young man," My father yelled after me but it was too late I was already gone.

I need to get out of this house. I need some fresh air so I could think about everything and I knew exactly where to go.

Sweat drip down my tired muscles as I push myself into the music.

My whole body screamed in pain but my mind wouldn’t let me rest.

The music flew through me making me forget about my father and infinite.

All that matter right now was keeping up with the music and not letting it beat me. I threw myself to the ground then placed my hands to either side of my body with my right leg sticking up. I quickly pushed myself up and within seconds I was standing on my feet.

The music slowly faded out as I came to the end of the playlist. I walked over to the CD player and turned it off then grabbed a bottle of water that I chugged down hungrily.

Without any music the whole building became uncomfortably silent. The dance studio that I had trained in since I was a teenager was now abandoned. Thankfully the old owners allowed me to use the practice room whenever I was home on break.

I slowly slid my shaky legs to the floor as I placed the cold water bottle to my forehead. My eyes scanned the room stopping when they reached the entrance. I was only 15 years old when I walked through those doors unsure of the world. When I left I knew right away what I was born to do. Then a couple years later I would walk out of those doors to chase my dreams. If those old pieces of wood could talk they could tell you my whole life story.

1…2…3…4…5…6…1…2…3…4…5…6

Ahh that’s not right! I yelled at myself as I missed another beat in the song.

1…2…3…5

now I can’t count straight.

I let out a frustrated sigh as I fell to the floor letting my limbs relax.

I knew I was good but I needed to be better.

My legs didn’t hurt as much as they used to and I could easily move my body to the beats of the music. Even the 2’o clock members were taking notice of my growth.

“Howon,” a quiet voice said from the corner of the room. I wouldn’t have heard it if the music was still playing but I did.

I turn my head to see her standing there holding her bag tightly to her side. She was looking at me uncertainly as if she was trying to remember why she came.

“Mom,” I muttered sitting up wiping the sweat off of my forehead.

“I uh,” she looked around the room not letting her eyes rest on me.

“What are you doing here,” I asked walking quickly over to her.

“Oh Howon,” she sighed as she dove at me with a hug.

It had been two months since I hugged my mother or was even acknowledged by her. Even when I saw my parents at the store they ignored me as if I was some stranger.  I hadn’t seen my siblings in months even Hojun wouldn’t talk to me. For the past couple of months I felt as if I was an orphan.

“What are you doing here?” I asked pulling away from her.

“I shouldn’t be here,” she told me taking a step back.

“Umma,” I called for her not wanting her to run away.

I missed her.

“If your Appa knew I was here he would have a fit,” she admitted. “But this has gone on long enough.”

“So I can go home!?” I asked hopefully.

“Where have you been living,” my mother asked ignoring my question.

“They have a room in the back,” I told her pointing to a door that led to a couple of offices. Thankfully the owner let me sleep here as long as I help clean and teach a couple of classes. I was even given an allowance that allowed me to eat. Even though the only food I could afford was bibimbap rolls and ramen.

“You’ve been sleeping here,” she looked around with a frown. “Have you been eating well?”

“I’m fine,” I told her even though I really craved one of her meals.

“You’ve lost weight,” she told me eying me up and down.

“Umma what are you doing here?” I asked her again.

She smiled widely but then looked at the clock as if she was waiting for something. “Can you grab your stuff?”

My eyes grew wide. “Am I going home?”

“Just grab your stuff and I’ll meet you in the car,” she told me.

“Okay I’ll just be a minute! Don’t go anywhere okay!” I told her happily as I ran towards the back office.

I was finally going home.

Back to my own bed and to home cook meals.

It wasn’t till Umma missed the exit that I noticed something was wrong.

“Aren’t we going home?” I ask sitting up.

She bit the corner of her lip not answering.

“Umma where are we going?” I asked.

“Open the glove compartment,” my mother instructed me.

“Why?” I asked but I still reached for the compartment.

“Just do it,” she told me grabbing the steering wheel tightly.

“Okay,” I mumbled to myself opening up the compartment to find a manila envelope.

“What is this?” I asked holding up the envelope.

“Your Appa wouldn’t approve of this…but I think you deserve a chance,” she told me.

I open it up to find another envelope and two pamphlets all about JYP.

“JYP?” I asked looking up at her.

“They’re holding auditions in Seoul tomorrow. I’ve already talked to the office and they know you’re coming,” my mother informed me.

I looked at the pamphlet once again just to make sure this was really happening.

“But Appa-”

“I’ll take care of him so don’t worry.”

“But why?” I asked still shocked.

“I’ve been watching you practice,” she admitted.

“When?” I asked trying to remember if I saw her at the dance studio.

“An Umma can never truly leave her son plus watching you dance made me realize something that I had forgotten. When I was younger I wanted to open up my own restaurant but then I met your Appa and we had your hyung and noona and I forgot about my dream. I couldn’t stand if my own son had to give up his dream like I did. So I’m giving you an opportunity to follow your dream something I never had a chance to do. So I want you to promise me something.”

I sat up straight ready to do anything to just have a chance to follow my dream. “What is it?”

“I don’t want you to come home till you succeed and become the best idol in Korea.  If you do that than your Appa will finally accept your dreams,” she told me.

“I-I won’t fail. I will be the best,” I told her.

“I won’t expect any less. My old high school friend has a room for sale in her house so you’ll be staying there. Food is included into your rent but your still are going to have to get a job and help pay for some of the rent.  There is another envelope with my bank book and account information in it so you will have the enough money for the next couple months,” she informed me.

“Umma you don’t need to do that. You know I don’t really need your money,” I insisted because I didn’t want to cause any more trouble for mother.

“Shh! I’ve already decided that you’re doing this so let me help you,” she told me sternly.

“Umma I promise I’ll make you proud,” I told her and I really did mean it. I wasn’t going to come home until I made it big.

Then the most amazing thing happen I try out and made it. While most of the other new trainees were celebrating with their parents I was alone in my rented room practicing for whatever I was soon to be facing.  It wasn’t till months later that I did a crazy thing and left JYP to join Woollim.

I have yet to regret my choice.
 

The phone beeped breaking my thoughts bringing me back to the dance studio.

I let out a grunt as I sat up from the floor not really wanting to move.  I slowly crawled over to where my phone was located.

It was probably Hojun wanting to go play at the arcade again or my mother wanting me to run to the store.

I turn on the phone to see that I had one text message from Gwangsuk.

GS: Hey Hyung do you want to come out and play!? I’m only going to be home tonight so let’s go out and play!

Even though I was tired I still smiled as I texted back my reply.

HY: I’ll meet you at our usual hang out! You should get YoungJun to come too! I’ll be there in a half hour.

GS: Okay Hyung! See you there.

This whole week had been a rollercoaster and knowing that I would be meeting up with my friends was a nice distraction to everything that was going on.

Gwangsuk and Youngjun were my best friends ever since high school and they were the main reason why I became a dancer. When I heard that Gwangsuk and Youngjun were debuting in Big Star it was like everything was fitting into place. Even though I was always with my members I still had time to go see Gwangsuk and Youngjun at music shows or even at events. They were living in Seoul which made it easier to get in touch with them. Although they had been on promotions and Infinite was working on a new comeback. So the past few months it had been impossible to meet up together.

I turn into a nearby alley taking the normal shortcut to the cafe where we always hang out.

I was almost to the end of the alley when something caught my eye making me stop in my tracks. I pulled my headphones out to hear shouts as three young men corner a teenager.

It wasn’t the first time I saw something like this happening in my neighborhood but this time it was different.

The other boy looked beyond scared as he looked at the three older men who had their fist held up.  He was paler and skinny and almost feminine looking.

Without any warning one of the man's fist flew through the air and smashed against the man's face sending him toppling to the ground.

I must have lost my mind because for that split second as that younger man was gasping for air I saw him as Sungjong.

“YAH!” I screamed as I threw my bag down and ran towards the men.

The man didn’t even have time to look up before my fist clashed against his face.

It was as if I wasn’t really there because this wasn’t like me at all. I always strayed away from violence even when there were times I really wanted to hit someone.

“Go!” I screamed loudly as my foot hit against the other man’s leg.

Everything was a blur as my whole body went into a rampaged.

Screams and pain ran through my mind as my limbs flew through the air.

A sharp pain smacked harshly against my face sending my whole body into the air.

My body crumpled to the ground as my face prickled in pain.

I could feel my head buzzing as the world around me started to become dark.

“Who are you?”

Was the last thing I heard as I finally let my body fall into the darkness.

Vocab:

Yeobo:

Honey in Korea.

Six Hour Program:

A KBS show that reminded him of his grandparents.

Taekwondo:

A Korean martial art similar to karate.

Bruce Lee

A famous martial, filmmaker, and actor.  

Hoya Being Kicked Out:

Hoya dropped out of high school in the first year in order to pursue his dream.  He was even kicked out of his home due to his Father and him not being able to see eye to eye.

2’o Clock:

Made up with Hoya, Feel Dog, Baram, Kangon, Black Kid. They were an underground rap and dance group. Here is a video of them dancing on the street just click here.

Bibimbap rolls:

A sushi roll full of rice and vegetables then incased in seaweed

JYP:

Is one of the big three recording labels in South Korea that was founded in 1997 by Park Jinyoung. Some groups under JYP are: 2pm, 2am, Miss A, Wonder Girls, Got7, JJ Project, 15&, and 5live

Gwangsuk:

Also known as Feeldog in a new group called Big Star. He is the leader, rapper, and vocalist of Big Star.

Youngjun:

Also known as Baram of Big Star. He is the vocalist and rapper of the group.

Big Star:

They are five member group under brave entertainment. They debut on July 4^th 2012 with the song Hot Boy.

Author Notes:

I actually spent a long time editing this although there will most likely be some mistakes. I actually fell asleep two hour ago while trying to post this. You shouldn've seen me I was sitting up straight sleeping with a face mask on. Okay maybe you shouldn't have seen me. Well you guys enjoy! By the way sorry for all the clif hangers! Don't kill me! Oh have a good valentines day! Eat lots of chocolate and candy hearts.

-M0rgan