A:N/ Ah sorry I haven't been giving you guys updates this last week...things have gotten pretty hectic... I caught a cold last week, so I've been coughing all the time, which didn't really help with my workload this week. It was pretty insane... Monday was okay, except for the fact I had to study for a test on Tuesday. Tuesdays I come home late, so next thing I knew it was Wednesday, which I had off for a change (yay last week of classes) except I was doing my finishing touches on the essay I had to submit on yesterday, as well as working on the essay I handed in today, then I ended up spending 3 hours in the library looking for books for my last essay, due Tuesday.... I've barely had enough time to think, and updating this story was sandwiched between two or three other things I was trying to do at the same time, so I'm sorry I've been so quiet as the story draws to a close (less than 5 chapters to go!). You guys are awesome, and I hope you enjoy the update!

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“Yunnie?” Jaejoong questioned, as he joined the younger man on his bed. Yunho had been reading that book of his again, but he had paused reading by the time Jaejoong came to his door, instead having started massaging his forehead. He smiled at the older man, as he wandered over, settling himself on the younger man's bed, head resting peacefully in his lap. “Tell me more.” he stated, cautiously.

“About what?” the younger boy questioned, lightly; thoughtlessly, still giving some amount of his attention to his book. “Your first time.” the older boy stated, wondering if his inquiry would anger the boy.

Yunho frowned lightly at the odd request, deciding if he really wanted to argue with him over it. It'd been a few days since that emotional outburst. There was something about shedding tears with someone else that made you feel closer to one another. After that, the two boys had felt much better; everything that had been left unsaid had been contributing to that wall between them, whether they realised it or not. Now that a chunk had been taken out of it, they were realising just how much they had been missing, when it had been there.

“I already told you about it.” Yunho tried to evade, but he knew it was pointless. He had given Jaejoong some facts; Jaejoong wanted the story. Clearly he was attacking another part of their wall of ice this evening, and he had just jammed in his pickaxe.

All it took was a stern look from the other boy to make Yunho sigh, unhappily. He really wished that he didn't have to tell the other boy, despite knowing that he'd owed the boy before him this explanation for years. He was starting to see why Changmin was right that procrastinating this moment hadn't been such a good idea. He could have had each of these major talks a long time ago; a fair distance apart.

Instead, because he had sought to postpone the moment for as long as possible; to maintain Jaejoong's ignorance regarding his affairs, he had to explain everything recently. At this rate, it'd only be a matter of time before he had to confess his feelings for the other boy too. All of this heaviness, was making him depressed. A feeling his pending rejection only intensified.

“I... It was unpleasant and confusing and... there isn't that much more to say about it..” he stated, even as he knew his comment would only cause Jaejoong exasperation. “Yes there is, and you know it. I want the whole story. I want to know when it happened. I want to know why it was confusing. I... I want to know... who it was with... I want to know how it happened... I want to know everything.” Jaejoong pressed, frustrated.

“Why do you want to know all about this now?” Yunho asked, defensively. He felt like he was being backed into a corner being confronted about this. Realistically, he could always have tried to say that Jaejoong's question was far too personal; that he didn't have to share the most intimate details of his first ual encounter. And yet he couldn't.

Not really. He loved Jaejoong; he really did. He was sick of having to keep things a secret from him. He was sick of the dread the knowledge that Jaejoong would someday find out brought him. He just wanted everything out in the open, for a change. As if that weren't enough, he was sick of being one of only two people that knew what had happened. He'd held back on Changmin; he didn't know the full story.

But if he were to tell Jaejoong everything he would finally feel free. As it stood, everyone thought that Yunho was in an illicit relationship with Mrs Park voluntarily. Even Jaejoong had thought that. He felt so sure that if Jaejoong knew this story, it'd convince him of the truth. This was the only evidence he could offer to support why it wasn't voluntary.

He knew that Jaejoong believed him but that didn't matter. It wasn't so much about convincing Jaejoong. It was allowing himself to hear the truth aloud. He'd heard it said other ways so many times. He wanted someone else to know what had really happened. He didn't want this to be one of those deathbed secrets. He didn't want the truth to die when he did.

“It was when we were teenagers... when I was around 16 or 17...” he began, hesitantly. As much as he wanted this to be said, Yunho still felt nervous. He knew Jaejoong said he wanted to know; but he didn't know what he was asking for. He didn't know what to expect. What if this was too much for him; if this was so incomprehensible that he couldn't accept it? Couldn't accept Yunho anymore? This was still a very shameful part of Yunho's past; that's why he'd kept it a secret for so long; because he didn't want anyone to know. That part of him hadn't died, even if it had lost. But it made itself known, making his voice tremble, and his words solidify on his tongue like clumps of salt.

Jaejoong took an anxious breath in, he seemed to hesitate for a second, as though weighing up whether he'd ask his question now or not. “Was it, before or after you left me?” he whispered, hushed. He looked as though he both regretted speaking, and needed the answer more than he needed oxygen. Yunho wished he could chuckle at the look, or kiss him, for being so cute. But this wasn't the time for the former, and he wasn't the person for the latter.

“Before.” he confirmed, tensely; uncomfortably. He couldn't tell whether Jaejoong had been hoping that would be the answer, or not. He still seemed so worked up about this. He might even have stopped breathing as he waited for Yunho to continue; he couldn't be certain about that.

“I... was staying... My parents weren't home... T-they didn't trust me and Changmin to stay home alone at the time... They thought we'd throw a party or something, like teenagers on TV and in movies and stuff... S-so they sent us round to... stay with a friend of theirs for a few days...Mrs Park... her son was staying with his father for a few weeks at the time, so the three of us were the only ones in the house...” he hesitated, why did this have to be so hard to admit to? He didn't do anything wrong, but this was the first time he'd ever retraced the whole story aloud, and the words conjured up images from back then, which made it more difficult to continue.

“Changmin was sent to bed earlier than I was... I still had homework I needed to do... I was in the room I was staying in, when she... when Mrs Park... came in. She started talking to me about my work... but the conversation drifted off...She started touching me and... I don't really know how it happened.... I can't remember if I wanted to, or if she made me or if it was a mixture of the two... I was so nervous, it felt nice, but I was so uncomfortable; I didn't know what we were doing...she kind of took care of the whole thing... I...enjoyed it, but... at the same time I didn't... I mean my body... but then my mind, just... I just felt so confused and that made me frustrated...” Yunho explained, annoyed at how the thoughts brought so many emotions racing back; he felt like he was that scared teenage boy all over again.

He tried to look up, but all he saw were Jaejoong's sympathetic eyes gazing back at him. He didn't want to look him in the eye, right now; he could see that he knew; he knew that he knew. He'd never had to look into the eyes of someone that knew this before; someone that he cared about. He didn't want to risk seeing the beginnings of Jaejoong's reaction to his tale. With some difficulty, he managed to continue, “I was so unsure of what was going on; of how I felt; of whether I wanted it or not, that I didn't want to do it anymore after that... That's when she threatened me... she said, that if I wouldn't satisfy her, she'd have to go to the only other boy around... Changmin was only 13 or 14 at the time...If I was too young at that time, Changmin was.... I couldn't let her... So I agreed... She still uses that threat to this day, but now it's supplemented with a threat to get my parents to take Changmin out of the country; so that I'll never see him again.” he explained, unable to stop the words passing through his lips.

He'd said more than he'd been going to; than he'd wanted to. He could see he went a little further than he'd intended, but he didn't regret it. Jaejoong had to know. He needed Jaejoong to understand so badly. He just wanted him to know that he meant it, when he said he didn't want to be with her; that he wouldn't use Jaejoong in order to help her.

Jaejoong, looked a little shaken at his story. He wasn't sure he could handle hearing the rest of it this evening. That was okay with Yunho; he wasn't sure he would be able to say it, even if he had thought Jaejoong was ready to hear it. Still he gave the younger man a wobbly smile, as he leant towards him, enveloping him in a warm embrace.

There was nothing he could have wanted more at that moment than to feel the older man touching him; reassuring him. Jaejoong didn't have to say anything; he understood. He was telling Yunho that he understood what he was saying; that he listened. That he accepted this part of Yunho's past life.

He felt so relieved. Why had he bothered to keep this from Jaejoong for so long? Whatever reasons had been so plain to him over the last few years; ever since it happened, they had all disappeared. He couldn't even remember them anymore. He wasn't even certain if he'd had any reasons.

He wasn't sure how long they stayed in that position, before Jaejoong shifted. He wondered if the older man was planning on leaving him now; going off to do something else, now that he'd gotten the explanation he had wanted. But Jaejoong only resettled himself between Yunho's legs; back pressed against the younger man's chest.

He gave the other man an intrigued look, wondering why the man had decided to move like this, which Jaejoong caught over his shoulder. He gestured impatiently in the direction of Yunho's book. The younger man bemusedly picked it up, moving it in front of Jaejoong, tilting it so he'd be able to read it over the older man's shoulder.

He wondered if the other man wanted to read his book as well. Yunho had already read a fair portion of the book, by now. He was wondering if he should flip back to the first page, so that Jaejoong could start reading from the beginning to prevent any confusion. But a quick look told him the older man had closed his eyes; completely disinterested in Yunho's book.

He was telling Yunho to go back to his reading, while he decided to rest against his chest. The intimacy of the position, made something happy flutter in Yunho's chest, cracking the hold of his recent depression. He could even feel the beginnings of a smile twisting his lips. It felt like it had been ages since he last smiled.

He flicked a couple of pages, enjoying the silence, gaze always flicking to meet an awkward, side view of Jaejoong's face, whenever the man shifted, just to make sure he was okay. It didn't take long for him to realise that Jaejoong wasn't actually trying to sleep; that he was just closing his eyes, lapping up the warmth and comfort physical contact gave him.

It was only when he caught the stirrings of a bored sigh, from Jaejoong's body language; his facial features that he decided to speak up. “So what have you decided to do regarding that boy you like?” Yunho questioned, making sure to keep his gaze firmly fixed on the page before him. Looking at Jaejoong might break the hold he had over his emotions. It wasn't exactly easy to discuss the love life of the boy he'd long since decided was the love of his life, and he probably wouldn't be able to do it without cracking were he to be looking at him as he spoke.

Jaejoong sighed unhappily. “I've decided not to do anything. He's not interested in me now, and, as loveable as I am, I don't think I can make him fall in love with me, if he isn't already in love with me. He knows me. If he can't see it now; he's never going to.” he explained, but although his words conveyed a sense of acceptance, he didn't appear to be anything except grumpy. Yunho supposed that was a step up from depressed.

“Trying to move on?” he questioned, confused by Jaejoong's reaction. Jaejoong thought he was in love with this guy; how could he get over his feelings so quickly?

Jaejoong sat up slightly, surprised by the comment. “Huh?” before settling back slightly, looking at his toes, “No... I love him, Yunnie... I have for a long time... realising that my love is one-sided can't change that... My heart refuses to love anyone else... Without him...I'll probably be alone forever... But at least I have contact with him; at least he's still a part of my life; I'll get to see him, smell him, hold him in my arms and listen to his voice... I can survive off of that...”

Something in Yunho's heart twisted painfully at that comment. Why would Jaejoong insist on holding onto a man he knew he could never have? Why did someone so undeserving get to keep his place in Jaejoong's heart?

He knew Jaejoong was just being melodramatic, but his words still hurt. He knew Jaejoong would find some nice guy, they'd fall in love and be together for the rest of forever, with their happily ever after. He knew that. He knew Jaejoong had a future after this guy, and that he wouldn't hold onto him forever. But that thought brought him no more solace than Jaejoong's words had.