He'd made his decision. He'd thought out all of the possible side effects and consequences that could come about from what he was about to do. He had made plans for every eventuality; he knew what he would do, no matter what would come as the aftermath of his actions. He'd told himself a hundred times over that there was nothing that could possibly happen that would surprise him now; that he could handle whatever happened.

But he didn't have any speeches now. There were no voices in his head; debating what he should do anymore. He felt completely alone. This was how it must've felt when Alice stepped out to slay the Jabberwock. You can have the advice; the support of thousands, but when it comes down to it; when it's really happening, there's no one there to give you comfort; to hold your hand; to advise; to assist. Despite what they claim; no one else will know what it's like; no matter how you try to describe it to them; they won't understand how it feels to be so aware of your own body.

He could feel his heart racing. He could see every tremor of his hands. He could feel the way his feet seemed glued to the floor. He felt as though he could feel every isolated muscle; every cell in his being. And yet he was just a humble observer sitting behind the control panel; seeing out of his own eyes. If the body spoke; it wouldn't feel like his voice; if he wanted to speak he felt like he was mute. He couldn't breathe. It was all to much, and yet he was doing nothing.

He was just standing there, like an idiot, gazing down at Yunho, lying peacefully unaware of Jaejoong's inner turmoil, on the lounge. He had no idea what Jaejoong was about to ask of him, but Jaejoong wasn't even certain at this point if he'd be able to make his lips work; if he'd be able to approach him at all. Or if he'd miss his chance.

More than anything he wanted to run away; to flee and yet something kept him firmly in his place. He couldn't leave now; he had something he needed to do as much as he wished he could abandon his plans and flee. Yunho would never have to know what he'd been planning then.

But he'd prepared so much for this; he'd waited tensely for days; the knot in his stomach caused by his fear never leaving him for more than a few minutes. He'd been left lying in bed, pinioned between his cold sheets, as the knowledge of what he was going to do; what he was about to lose played over and over inside his head; his heart racing for hours, so that he couldn't sleep.

If he left now, that would have been for nothing. He would be postponing it; not avoiding the event that caused him this anxiety. Which would mean he would have to relive it over and over again, until he finally went through with it.

He stood, there still, not completely convinced of his commitment to his own personal mission, when Yunho opened one eye, giving Jaejoong a tired grin from where he lay. He knew he'd been spotted now; he couldn't flee without Yunho questioning him later. If he gave up now; he'd be hounded by Yunho for it, until he broke down.

It looked as though he had no choice. He hadn't realised he'd been gnawing on his bottom lip, until he threw himself on Yunho. The impact as his body struck the solid wall, that was Yunho's body, forced his teeth into his lips harder. It stung, but he doubted it'd bleed; the pain wouldn't last long. Hopefully he'd be too distracted to feel it. Though whether that'd be because he was having or packing his bags he wasn't sure.

Yunho grunted at the impact, despite realising afterwards he didn't think Jaejoong had actually hurt him, when he'd jumped on him. The jump had clearly been planned; he'd missed any potentially excruciatingly painful areas in his landing. His knees were between Yunho's legs, very close to but not touching his crotch. He had one hand resting in the space below his left armpit, and his right hand was pressed against the back of the lounge, to help him keep his balance.

He wanted to know why Jaejoong looked so scared, but before he could ask the older man had leant in close, his soft lips pressing against Yunho's own. He didn't respond to the kiss, too bewildered by everything that was going on. Jaejoong had been acting strange the last couple of days, clearly deep in thought abut something he refused to discuss. He decides to have a nice, peaceful nap on the lounge. He wakes up only to have Jaejoong jump him, and start kissing him.

So what if he loved the feel of Jaejoong's lips against his again. So what if Jaejoong was suddenly interested in him. So what if he wanted nothing more than to respond to the other boy's uncharacteristically forceful advance. It was his duty to protect Jaejoong. How could he, in good conscience ignore the unusual circumstances, and selfishly take what he desired from Jaejoong? Jaejoong had never kissed him before; why should he start to do so now? There had to be a reason.

How he wished, just once, that he could allow himself to be bad. To do the wrong thing; without any worries. But this was Jaejoong. There would be consequences if he didn't act responsibly. Consequences which apparently did not simply include the undeniable certainty that he would get his heart broken, but the possibility that he could lose Jaejoong altogether; right now.

He reluctantly broke the kiss, even if his tongue did dart out, subconsciously, as though to reassure himself that the excited tingle in his lips was not just his imagination; that something had really happened. “What do you think you're doing?” he gasped. But Jaejoong didn't wait to answer him, quickly pressing forward once more, determinedly, kissing him again.

He found he was less inclined to push Jaejoong away the second time, but still he forced his hands up, flatly pressing along the older man's shoulders, to give him some space. The cute little pout his lips had, as he broke the kiss, was almost enough to tempt Yunho to release him; to let him continue what he was doing. But he had to find out what was going on. “Why do you keep kissing me?” he demanded, his confusion and his desire making him frustrated; he felt like he was being teased, having Jaejoong do this to him.

Hadn't he gotten too old for people to be able to ? Would he ever get too old for Jaejoong to be able to ?

“Isn't it obvious?” Jaejoong gasped, struggling against Yunho's firm hold. Realising that he wasn't getting anywhere, this way, he made his arms move, lightly up and down Yunho's torso, allowing the younger man to support the weight of the upper half of his body, as he answered, “I want you to... Please... Yunnie, please take me...” he begged, his cheeks flushing horribly, at his own words.

Yunho was so stunned by Jaejoong's words; by the way he was touching him, that it took him a moment to respond. He certainly hadn't seen that one coming; but his explanation only added to his confusion. Jaejoong jumped on his momentary hesitation, pressing forward, just barely being able to brush his lips against Yunho's once again. This time, he allowed his tongue to dart out, like he'd seen in the movies, and heard his schoolmates talking about back when he was a teenager.

He hadn't been sure what he would do if he met with resistance on Yunho's part, but in that moment, where his surprise overtook his honour, his lips were pliable. The moment Jaejoong's tongue touched them, the moved; they allowed him passage. The action was so unexpected Jaejoong started to get a little nervous; he wasn't exactly sure what he was supposed to be doing.

Luckily for him, Yunho came back to his senses, as the feel of Jaejoong's tongue against his teeth, he pushed the older boy away once more. “Why do you want me to...” he pushed, trying not to sound aggravated, excited, scared or any one of the other hundred emotions running through him at the moment.

How was it physically possible for Jaejoong to be making him lose his resolve? He'd barely done anything and yet, he could feel his desire growing exponentially. Hearing Jaejoong say that... He wanted to give him exactly what he asked for, more than anything... But still, something inside of him; something less primal was insisting he had to resist.

In some ways he regretted the fact that he had a brain; why did he have to be smart? Being foolish would have been so much better in this situation. He could have just charged in; damn the consequences. As much as he didn't want to hurt Jaejoong by doing that, he was no angel; he found restraining his hormones in a situation like this very difficult; very unpleasant.

Jaejoong was torturing him and he didn't even realise it.

“I...I need you too.. please..” Jaejoong begged, his determination weakening as a flicker of fear, of remorse, of shame came to life in his eyes. Those words washed over Yunho, the more times he asked, the more he wanted to give in, but still he shook his head, pleading with him, “That's not enough... I need to know why....”

Jaejoong's cheeks flared hotly, at the idea of what Yunho wanted him to say. “You don't demand explanations from anyone else.” he spat, bitterly, tears already welling in his eyes. He felt so stupid; he knew that this wasn't going to work, and yet he'd still insisted on going through with it. Years of friendship were meaningless; he really was so repulsive, Yunho needed a good enough reason to be able to force himself to touch him.

The thought struck something deep within. His stomach ached again; he felt like he was going to be sick. He was too ugly; too repulsive for anyone to want. Even his best friend; the man he loved so dearly, he could never return his feelings. Not because he was straight or something, but because Jaejoong himself was so repugnant, he couldn't bare to do anything, despite how much he claimed to care about him.

He felt so ashamed; this whole thing was one massive mistake. Why couldn't he undo things; go back in time to just a few minutes earlier, and walk away instead? Why did he have to be so greedy as to want more from Yunho? Why did he have to desire his love so much? Why did he have to be a real man so badly?

On some level, Yunho told himself that he probably should have expected Jaejoong's comment. It was a double standard of his; he knew. How could he not? But his previous emotions, were driven down by his concern, when he saw the way Jaejoong was looking down, at the coffee table trying to avoid his eyes, as tears started to dribble down his cheeks.

He sat up, bringing himself closer, as he tried to thumb those tears away. “You're right I don't. But that's because I don't care about them. I care about you Jae. You haven't been yourself lately. I want to know where these last few minutes are coming from. I want to know that you're okay, Jae. Please, don't cry. I still love you, no matter what, just, please tell me what's going on.” he begged, the older man shuffling slightly, as he kneeled between Yunho's legs. Yunho worried the older man was going to try and run away; that he'd go hide in his room or the bathroom, and he'd be left with nothing.

But Jaejoong saw this scene as like his own personal firing squad. Despite all Yunho's kind words. Despite the way he was touching him so carefully, as he tried to wipe away all of his tears. He still had to explain why he kissed him; why he touched him. But that thought didn't hurt as much as the knowledge, that he knew why Yunho hadn't responded. That it had all been for nothing.

“I wanted .” Jaejoong murmured, eyes downcast, so that he missed Yunho's eye roll. “I did gather that.” The other boy stated, and he didn't need to be looking at him in order to detect the sarcasm his words had been inflected with. Normally he'd hit him, but he didn't have the heart to; his hands resting against his thighs in his depression; in his resignation.

“Why, Jae? Why did you want to have so badly?” Yunho pushed, hoping that the solemn boy would answer him; would explain everything so he could figure out what was going on. His question, drew a spark of fire from Jaejoong's belly. He was still depressed at Yunho's clear rejection, at his own folly, but he was also angry. It was unfair and uncalled for, but he couldn't bite back his words, “What, you've never wanted to have ? You've never wanted it badly?” he pushed, affronted.

“I have.” Yunho agreed, in that respect Jaejoong did have a point. “But I've never known you to want at all. Let alone badly enough to jump your friend.” he finished. Jaejoong wanted so badly to be able to spit something back at Yunho there. He wanted to be able to taunt him; to make him ache the way Jaejoong was aching. He wanted so badly, to make Yunho miserable too, but there was nothing he could say to that.

The fact that he was right, only made him more bitter; more unhappy. Still, he answered, the words falling from his lips, before he could consider whether or not he really wanted Yunho to know; before he could consider the idea that he could refuse to tell the younger man. “I... I wanted...needed.... experience...”

Yunho's eyebrows drew together, perplexed, “Why would you need it?” Jaejoong gave the younger man a sharp look, his anger spilling from his lips in the form of sarcasm, “Gee, maybe so I don't end up alone and unloved for the rest of my life?”

Yunho shook his head decisively, “That wouldn't happen.” But Jaejoong disagreed, “Yes it would. All the other guys our age are out sleeping with hundreds of girls every night. Thousands. Someone my age, whose never... No one will ever want me, if I haven't... I have to.” he gasped, his fear; his emotions welling up so badly as he spoke, that he couldn't breathe.

“You don't.” Yunho argued, but Jaejoong shoved him exasperated “Yes I do. You say I don't have to. But that's all well and good for you to say; you have. I haven't. I wouldn't have the faintest idea what I'm supposed to do; what it's like. How do you think he's going to take it when he finds out...” he wailed.

“He? You're doing this because of a guy?” Yunho pressed, trying to work out if he'd figured out what was really going on here, “Well I wasn't going to be madly in love with a girl, now was I?” he retorted, sarcastically, but Yunho ignored him.

“You love this guy?” he tried again, but Jaejoong was so emotional by this point, he realised that he should have been grateful he was still speaking coherent sentences. “Yes, Yunho. I'm madly in love with this guy. But he wouldn't look twice at me; he's so experienced, he's been with so many other people... He'd think I was pathetic if he found out... He'd laugh at me... He would want me even less than he does now, if he.... Don't you understand, that's why I need to..” Jaejoong stated, choking on his own tears; his own humiliation and sadness. While that thought process might've meant something to him before, the knowledge that he would never have gotten the man he loved only compounded his misery.

“Any guy that'd dump you because you're not experienced enough, doesn't deserve you, despite what you think now. A guy like that is an ; you deserve better than that. Don't go doing something like this to try to impress someone like that.” Yunho begged, wrapping his arms around Jaejoong's shoulders forcefully. As though his hug could protect Jaejoong from the likes of people like that. Even as his own heart thudded painfully in his chest; at the thought of Jaejoong loving someone like that, when Yunho was right here; when he already did love him, even if he was hypocritical calling someone else unworthy of Jaejoong's love.

“He isn't an , Yunho. You don't know what you're talking about.” he dismissed, his voice sounding dull; dry of all of it's volume as it was muffled against Yunho's chest. “I know more than you give me credit for.” Yunho retorted, bitterly. How he wished he didn't.

“Why did you come to me?” Yunho questioned, voice small as he waited to hear Jaejoong's answer. He didn't know why Jaejoong had chosen to come to him for this, and though he was grateful since he knew he was more honourable than other people he could have gone to, the response still might hurt. As much as he told himself he would deserve whatever answer he got, he couldn't say it wouldn't hurt if Jaejoong came to him because he was so used to emotionless .

He felt dirty enough as it was, without finding out that's how Jaejoong saw him too.

“Why does that matter?” Jaejoong questioned petulantly, but when Yunho didn't answer him; couldn't answer him, he sighed. “I didn't want to do it with a random stranger. I don't care how stupid you think I am for thinking this, but your first time... It's supposed to be emotional; special. I couldn't...It couldn't be meaningless, you know?”

“Not everyone's first times are like that you know.” Yunho informed the other mildly, the way Jaejoong had described it had made him feel a little bit better. The fact that he'd decided on Yunho, meant that he thought it would be special if he had of agreed; that it would have been emotional. It acted as salve to his fear that Jaejoong came to him for exactly the opposite reason.

“Yours would have been.” Jaejoong told him, sounding so sure of himself, with his tiny voice, that Yunho wanted to believe him about that. “Really, because from what I can recall of it, I have to disagree.” he told the other as lightly as he could, but his words drew a stubborn head shake from Jaejoong.

“Jae... My first time was horrible... To this day I can't be sure if it was emotional or not... But it sure as hell wasn't special...” he responded, incredulous that Jaejoong would argue with him about this. Who was going to know more about Yunho's first time, out of the two of them?

Jaejoong said nothing, and Yunho couldn't be certain whether it was because of his shock at hearing about Yunho's first time, or because he was still stubbornly refusing to believe him.

He sighed as the silence wore on, with no end in sight. “Okay so you didn't want it to be with a random stranger. That eliminates quite a few people. But why did you choose me?” he questioned, realising that he'd interrupted Jaejoong's previous train of thought.

“Oh, um, well apart from that, I don't know very many people. Girls are of course out of the question, as were Junsu and Yoochun, for obvious reasons. That left you.” Jaejoong explained. “So then I was the most available?” he questioned, trying to tell himself he shouldn't be hurt by it. Jaejoong shook his head, struggling to think of the words he wanted. “No... If I didn't want to do it with you, I just wouldn't have done it... But I thought... I dunno... That maybe with you, it'd be...” he sighed, frustratedly. He just couldn't think of a safe word to use there.

But Yunho smiled, he understood. He knew what Jaejoong meant. He wasn't just available. Easy. Expendable. Jaejoong knew that it'd mean something with him, even if he wasn't this prince charming he so desired.

“I was so stupid.” he sighed, fresh tears leaving his eyes, as the full meaning of those four words settled into him. As it got burned into his soul; to act as a permanent reminder of how foolish; selfish; reckless he'd been.

Yunho looked down at the boy, propped up against his chest. There was so much pain in that sentence; so much feeling that Yunho didn't understand. “No you're not. You're not stupid, Jae. Everything is fine, I promise. No harm has been done; the two of us are fine, I promise. Nothing will change. And as for that , I'll see what I can do, okay? First thing tomorrow, we'll find him, and I'll work something out... everything is going to be okay; you don't have to feel stupid; You're not. I swear you're not. God, you're the most intelligent person I've ever known, except for Changmin of course; but I mean it, you're not stupid, please just don't cry...” Yunho said, trying to reassure Jaejoong, but getting flustered when his tears continued to fall.

“It doesn't matter.. There's no point... he'll never want me...” he mumbled, between his sobs; sounding so sad; so depressed, it made something ache within Yunho's chest. He could feel empathetic tears b in his own eyes at Jaejoong's words; why did the older boy have to affect him so badly? “Yes he will, I promise.. he will... this whole ity thing doesn't matter... and if you're right.. if it does.. then I'll...”

“You can't... it... Without experience he'll never find me.... he'll never...” he hiccuped, his tears overwhelming his slight body. “Please.. Jae... Please don't ask me to again... Each time you ask, my resolve slips that little bit more... I'm so close, but please... Jae.. I can't... I can't do this for you please, understand... Guys like that... If they really don't want to be with you; they'll always be able to find something wrong with you... some flaw that'll keep you apart... Please, Jae... He's not worth it...” Yunho begged. His fingers twitched spontaneously, gripping him, as tight as he could; as his heartfelt words poured out.

“I... He... I get it Yunnie... it's me... I'm so stupid... It's always been me... No matter how hard I try... I'm not good enough for him...” he choked out, Yunho shaking as he shook his head, “No! Jae, no! You're better than he is; you're better than all of this... You're the most amazing man I know... that guy, whoever he is, he is trash compared to you...” Yunho whispered.

It felt so soothing, hearing Yunho talk about him like this. Why couldn't he spend the rest of his life locked up in Yunho's arms just like this? Why couldn't Yunho want him? Why couldn't he ever be good enough?