Yunho was excited when he got back to the apartment. He had spent at least an hour there with his brother. It had been nice to have an opportunity to talk and catch up again. It felt strange being at university. That's when he'd moved out of the family home, and he mentally associated university with being absent from Changmin's life.

At least he wouldn't have to worry about that for much longer. Changmin would be down here for university in a matter of months, provided his exams go well.

But as much as he had loved spending time with Changmin again, he;d had to give up time with Jaejoong in order to do it. That's the only part of the meeting that he regretted.

He felt the smile, rather than actually intending on making it, as he spied Jaejoong on the lounge. He looked so sweet curled up on the lounge like that. “Hey, I'm home.” he greeted cheerfully, only vaguely noticing the frown on Jaejoong's features before he was racing off to the bathroom.

It took far too much time to get back to his apartment from 'Le Jardin'. They might have to meet in a closer cafe from now on.

It only took 2 minutes being in the lounge room with Jaejoong to sense that the older man was not happy. He didn't say anything, but he didn't need to. His displeasure rolled off of him in waves. When Jaejoong was unhappy he wanted everyone around him to know it as well.

He turned to the older man with a sigh, honestly not having any idea what he could possibly be in trouble for. “What's wrong Jaejoong?” he enquired, a slightly bemused tilt to his lips as he posed the question. Elbow resting casually against the back of the lounge, hand supporting the weight of his jaw.

“Nothing's wrong.” Jaejoong answered, his tone airy. Oh yes, Yunho had definitely done something wrong. Jaejoong only ever talked like that when he was getting into one of his 'mortally offended' moods. Hopefully he would give him some hint of what he'd done wrong with his next words. If he wasn't completely in his mood yet, he tended to give him a hint, it gave him an opportunity to say sorry and beg for his forgiveness a million times. “You were gone a long time.” he commented idly, gaze focused on hands folded neatly across his chest.

Thoughts started flooding through his mind, and he had a feeling that he was probably blurting them all out for Jaejoong to hear, not that he cared. He did plenty of weird stuff around Jaejoong in the years they'd known one another, he wasn't about to get embarrassed by acting stupid now. “You wanted me to bring you food home? You wanted to be invited out? You wanted to do something together today? You thought I'd left you here alone permanen—”

He didn't get the chance to finish that last one. Jaejoong hated being reminded of that incident. He'd been about 9 years old, and everyone had gone out thinking that someone else was still at home with him. As luck would have it, the incident had come about a few days after he'd been bragging that he didn't need anyone else, because he could take care of himself. He'd woken up to find himself all alone, for the first time he could ever recall, with no note, and no word from anyone. He'd thought they had decided to pack up and left him behind. By the time someone realised and returned home, the boy had been bawling his eyes out in the middle of the lounge room floor. His family had insisted on telling Yunho every embarrassing story from the older boy's life after they became close friends.

“You know you're never to speak of that.” he hissed, smacking Yunho's arm as hard as he could, while he glowered at him. Yunho winced, but bit back any comment. He knew this was the response he always got when he embarrassed the older boy, and he knew he wasn't allowed to talk about that incident. He had kind of had it coming in his own eyes.

He racked his brain trying to think of a time when he'd seen a similar look on Jaejoong's face. His momentary anger had been replaced by that annoyed feeling once more. If he could think of a situation in which Jaejoong had given him the same look, then he'd know the cause of it. But he couldn't place the look.

Wait, yes he could. It was the same one that he'd given him, when he'd gotten stuck playing Pokemon Blue on his Game Boy Colour when he was a kid. He'd been fretting over it for days, trying to work out how to get to the next level but he couldn't do it. Yunho had played Pokemon Yellow through a dozen times by then, and had take Jaejoong's game off of him. From Jaejoong's description he'd thought he knew what he needed to do to progress in the story. Within 5 minutes, the game was back in Jaejoong's hands and one look at the screen told him that Yunho had fixed it.

He'd glowered at the younger boy so bad that day.

That's it! He was jealous!

But what did he have to be jealous of about Yunho going out? Maybe he'd wanted to come too? Sure he had gotten along okay with Changmin back when they were teenagers, but he hadn't thought they were that close. Wouldn't he have just been bored at having coffee with Yunho's little brother? Wait did he remember to tell him that he was meeting Changmin?

“Are you jealous, Jae?” he enquired, an evil smile curving his lips. Jaejoong's eyes roamed across the ceiling, “I don't know what you're talking about. Why should I get jealous about you going out for ages?” Oh yeah, he was jealous.

“Jae, I wasn't doing anything, I swear.” he informed the other boy with a laugh. “Oh yes, doing nothing always takes hours.” he nodded his agreement, but his tone was sarcastic.

“Jae, I was having coffee with—” he began “I don't need to know who you were having coffee with,. It's none of my business, anyway. I hope you had a wonderful time.” Jaejoong responded, standing and making his way into the kitchen.

“Jae, don't be like this, just let me expla—” “I don't care.” Jaejoong hissed, frustrated as he stalked over to the freezer.

“Jae, I mean it, it's not what you thin—” Yunho started, but Jaejoong tried to just brush past him. If he let him pass, then Jaejoong would stalk off to his room and he might never see Jaejoong again. Even if he calmed down, he wouldn't face Yunho again on principle; he was infuriating in that way. Yunho had to get him to listen now, and sort the matter out quickly.

With that in mind he yanked Jaejoong's shoulders back, keeping him in place. The older boy eyed him resentfully through his fringe. He couldn't move with Yunho holding him back like that. If he really wanted to he could probably knock Yunho flat on his arse and he'd be able to escape.

They both knew he could have left if he'd wanted to, and yet he allowed himself to be held firmly in place. In truth, he really wanted Yunho to tell him he was mistaken. He wanted to be wrong. Then that would mean that Yunho wasn't seeing someone behind his back. Then it would mean that Yunho wasn't ashamed of him.

“I was having coffee with Changmin.” Yunho explained, flexing his fingers, as they gripped Jaejoong's shoulders, as though he wasn't sure if he could release Jaejoong and he'd stay where he was, or if he'd run off at the first opportunity.

Jaejoong stared back at him blankly, the name meaning nothing to him. But something flickered in his mind, and he became suspicious. He knew that name. He had known a boy named Changmin. He must have. Why else would the name sound familiar. Why else would Yunho be standing before him hoping that the name would mean something to him.

“Your......brother?” he guessed, shortly. The phrase rang vague little bells in his mind. That sounded right.

Yunho nodded, and some of the tension left Jaejoong's form. But only some. He still hadn't invited him along, so it was still quite possible that he was ashamed of him.

He knew that he'd changed since he was a teenager, but was he really that different? In the old days Yunho would flaunt him off to everyone he met. He always seemed to want to introduce Jaejoong to someone. Now, he didn't even bring him along to chat with his younger brother. It's not like the two were strangers or anything.

“He was only starting high school when I last saw him. How's he doing?” Jaejoong answered, still a little stiffly.

“He's fine. He shot up really tall about a year ago. He's massive now. And he's become one of those introverted genius types.” Yunho explained, hesitantly removing his hands from Jaejoong's shoulders. To his relief, the older boy stayed where he was.

“Such a shame. He was the cutest thing back then.” Jaejoong commented, but his tone was stiff. He was very clearly still unhappy with Yunho, even if he hadn't walked out on the younger boy.

“Come on Jae, don't be like this... I'm sorry I didn't bring you with me, alright? He only invited me out this morning, and I didn't want to wake you up, and I figured you wouldn't want to come anyway.... It was only supposed to be a quick chat to catch up, nothing more. I didn't think you'd want to hear us exchanging sibling related info.” he explained, voice pleading.

“No, it's fine. I didn't want to go anyway. Boring, family stuff, like you said.” Jaejoong commented, attempting to move out of Yunho's grip to be able to leave the kitchen.

Yunho huffed at Jaejoong's petulant tone. He tightened his hold on him, to try and keep him there, but Jaejoong struggled against his hold this time. Clearly his annoyance with the conversation had overpowered any desire to hear Yunho's explanation, enough for him to challenge the younger boy's strength.

Yunho hadn't quite expected Jaejoong to resist him, but his hand easily tightened it's grip further still, as he fought to keep Jaejoong in the same room.

After a quick, miniature scuffle between the two of them, which resulted in Yunho managing to trap the uncoordinated Jaejoong against a bench top, arms clasping the edge, viciously, he tried to speak again. “Okay, clearly my apologies aren't going to be good enough. You already created some explanation for why I didn't bring you along, and until I know what it is, you're not going to listen to a word I say, so spill.” he demanded.

Jaejoong refused to make eye contact with him, despite how close the two of them were. He scrunched his eyes up, as he shook his head from side to side, attempting to free both arms and legs as he did so, “Let me go!” he hollered.

Yunho had to tighten his grip further to prevent Jaejoong's continued escape attempts. He could never understand why Jaejoong would insist on being so stubborn at times. Surely, it should be easier just to give him what he wanted to know. They both knew that once Jaejoong told him, Yunho would let him go. He didn't want to hold onto Jaejoong any longer than he had to, particularly with the amount of strength he was currently using.

The quick glimpses of red-streaked skin, covering Jaejoong's forearms was enough to make him wince slightly, averting his eyes to try and alleviate the guilt he was feeling at having been the cause of the imperfections marring Jaejoong's skin.

He'd kiss it better, once Jaejoong explained everything to him.

“Jae! Just tell me why. Why do you think I didn't bring you with me?” he pushed, pressing himself closer against Jaejoong, so that the older boy was forced to lean backwards, until his back came into contact with the bench top. The position was awkward, and it drastically reduced what little strength Jaejoong had been able to access in all of his limbs.

Fat tears of defeat rolled down his cheeks, wrenching their way through his closed eyelids. This position hurt, his thoughts hurt and having Yunho pleading with him; his voice calling out to Jaejoong, while his body pressed closer and closer, was all too much. The words burned as they formed on his tongue, but their sting proved silencing, despite how badly he just wanted this all to stop.

Noticing Jaejoong's tears, Yunho managed to wrestle one hand free, fingers clumsily attempting to wipe away the older boy's tears. But the curvature of Jaejoong's cheek, and his own fumbling fingers, meant that the liquid just got spread around, wetting every bit of skin they came in contact with.

“Jae, just tell me. Please” he begged, his voice softer now. Yunho only ever begged with Jaejoong. As compassionate as he was, he never allowed himself to sound so weak; so out of control with anyone else. Jaejoong was the only person he was prepared to concede held more cards than he did. He was the only one Yunho would defer to for help.

Not least of all because often it was only Jaejoong who knew how to cease his own tears. No matter how long they'd known one another, Yunho could never predict what would bring them on, or what it would take for them to cease. If only Jaejoong wouldn't insist at those times on being so stubborn; on trying to hold everything in.

“Ashamed.” Jaejoong whispered. As Yunho's eyes widened in realisation at what Jaejoong had said, and what that word could mean, he noticed the way Jaejoong's own eyes had bulged. He hadn't expected the word to slip from between his lips. He looked as though he felt like he'd been betrayed by his own body.

“Ashamed of who?” Yunho asked gently, even as a nervous weight lurched in his stomach. He had a bad feeling about this; about what Jaejoong had thought. He could only hope that his fears were unwarranted, but if they were not, he feared what the deeper implications of such a comment might be.

“Me.” Jaejoong begrudgingly replied. He kept his gaze steadfastly on the oven, and if his hands weren't still pinioned against the bench, he would undoubtedly have crossed his arms, to accompany that statement.

A horrified look overtook Yunho's features at the thought. “You thought, I was ashamed of you?” he questioned, as though the idea astounded him.

His eyes whipped up to Jaejoong's face, wide with concern and fear, “Jae, you have to believe me. I'm not ashamed of you. I've never been ashamed of you, and I never will be. There's nothing you could possibly do that would make me feel ashamed of you. Far from it. I've been nothing but proud of you since the day I met you. You are the most amazing person in the universe, how could you think I was ashamed of you?”

Jaejoong shrugged awkwardly against the bench top, squirming about slightly, to demonstrate the idea that he didn't know. But the action, only intensified Yunho's displeasure. Jaejoong didn't believe him when he said that he was proud of him.

He wondered if maybe Jaejoong could somehow be oblivious to all the features of himself that Yunho saw everytime they were in the same room together. All the things, that made Yunho wish he could keep him, and never let him go, now that he had him back.

Didn't everyone say that you should let the one you love go? Didn't they say that if they didn't come back then they were never yours to begin with? Well he had let the one he loved go, but Jaejoong had come back to him. He should be able to have him back. He sacrificed; he endured the bitterness of what he had to do, to let Jaejoong be free, and the boy had come back. Surely he had earned him.

Back then he'd been so sure that Jaejoong wouldn't come back. He'd pined after the older boy like a fool everyday for years. He'd spent the entirety of his adult life wanting the older boy.

And yet Jaejoong thought that he didn't want him. That he wanted to be rid of him. That he would only be prepared to keep the older boy, if he could lock him away, and pretend like he didn't matter to those around him. To the other people that he cared for.

He felt like he'd let him down.

“Jae, you can't seriously believe that. I could never be ashamed of you.” he repeated dolefully. Didn't he have some sort of duty as the guy who was madly in love with Jaejoong, and also as his best friend to ensure that his self-esteem was perfect?

“I'm sure if you knew some of the stuff I've gotten up to over the years, you wouldn't be saying that.” Jaejoong answered, rudely. He just couldn't believe all Yunho's pretty words. He just couldn't believe, after so long, that he had no reason to be ashamed of himself. It felt like the only way he could shut him up would be to challenge him; to make him eat his words.

It was destructive behaviour like this that the 'new' Jaejoong did. Things that would only end up hurting Jaejoong in the long run, and yet he couldn't seem to keep the words to himself in his shame.

He hadn't wanted Yunho to know about this. His complex of shame was supposed to be the shameful little ball of negative thoughts and feelings about himself. Something buried within him, that he curled himself around like a fire; allowing it to bathe his body in its glow. Constantly reminding him from inside why he was acting like this; why he had to change who he was.

It was never meant to be exposed like this. He couldn't bear the grating feeling of having someone else's eyes roaming over the thoughts that were supposed to be private; supposed to be his and his alone. He knew they were twisted thoughts, that's why he was ashamed of them. He didn't need to be told they were false; he didn't need to hear whispered pleasantries from Yunho; he didn't care. He'd never really cared, why should now be any different?

“Try me.” Yunho rebutted, bracing himself for whatever Jaejoong could possibly try to say to convince him to leave. No matter what he'd done; how gross, how repulsive, how intimate or illegal, he was adamant he wouldn't step away. Jaejoong had to be testing him; seeing how much he meant his words, and he wasn't about to fail.

“I kicked an unsuspecting person's arse.”

“Did you have a reason for doing it?”

“I wanted information.” Jaejoong replied evasively.

“Who was it?” Yunho demanded curiously.

“Yoochun.” Jaejoong replied after a moment's hesitation.

“Then it was completely warranted. I hope you messed up that pretty boy face of his good.” Yunho responded evenly.

Jaejoong rolled his eyes at the comment. If he weren't so mad, he could have sworn that was the beginnings of a smile that were tugging at his lips.

“I have tattoos.” Jaejoong responded, his lips curving into a devilishly handsome smirk. He knew that Yunho didn't have tattoos, he remembered the younger boy telling him he didn't like them. That he'd never get one in a million years. Surely that would get him.

But instead he saw curiosity perking up his features, as his eyes tried to discreetly view Jaejoong's body in the hopes that he'd be able to pinpoint where they were. “That's cool.” he responded evenly, clearly wondering where Jaejoong would have gotten them.

He almost did laugh then, if not for his frustration at Yunho's easy going nature. He was going to accept anything that Jaejoong was going to say. “And piercings.” he added in for good measure.

Surely, Yunho would realise that all of these markers, the trappings of the boy with an attitude problem, are evidence that he's not the same person anymore. That he's not the boy Yunho used to adore so much; that he really has become someone that Yunho is ashamed of. That he doesn't want anyone to know that he is associated with. Surely this will make Yunho realise that he doesn't care about him anymore.

The part of him inside, that was still like that; the side of him constantly yearning to break free to return him to the way he used to be, was shrieking at this whole conversation. It wouldn't be long before he felt like he was literally ripping himself in two, if Yunho didn't back down soon.

He was starting to realise that he wasn't as bad as he'd thought himself to be, as he realised he didn't have anything else that was so horrible about himself to use as evidence. He might actually have to resort to making up about himself, just to win the argument. That would really tear him in two; he had never enjoyed lying to Yunho.

“Okay, two things. First, that's hot, and two, just stop, Jae. You're not going to be able to say anything that will make me ashamed of you. You're my best friend.” Yunho jumped in.

Something warmed within him at Yunho's words, but it could just have been the effect of having Yunho's warm flesh pressed up so close against his own for so long. “You mean I was your best friend.” he replied back bitterly.

But Yunho determinedly turned Jaejoong's face to meet his own. “You never stopped being my best friend.” he informed the older boy simply, with a smile.

Well what was he supposed to say to something like that?

The comment stunned him so badly, that Jaejoong didn't have it in him to respond, a fact which left him very angry with himself for the rest of the day at the opportunity he'd lost.