Jaejoong had spent the last few days thinking long and hard about the differences between him and Yunho. Unfortunately, there was so much that was different between the two of them, that it was very hard to try compiling a mental list without getting distracted. He was, after all, looking for something very particular. He was trying to ascertain what it was about them that made Yunho a man, and not him.

The horror movie incident had only confirmed his long held belief that he was not a real man. The thought bothered him so deeply. He'd been struggling for years to act like a real man, but clearly that hadn't worked. He was still the little coward who needed someone bigger and stronger to protect him.

How could that be? He was tough; he was strong. He'd kicked Yoochun's . He could do it again easily. He could probably beat up a lot of people if he wanted to. But then, Yunho could always beat him. In their struggles that's how it always ended up. No matter how much he struggled; how hard he tried, Yunho would beat him. Yunho would pin him down; he'd be completely helpless, at the other man's mercy.

He hated that.

He hated how much he liked that more.

How was he supposed to prove how much he'd grown up over these last few years, if he couldn't show that strength to Yunho directly? How could he claim to be strong, when Yunho could beat him so easily?

Maybe he hadn't grown up at all.

He had always known that his attempts to become more masculine had been maligned by his lack of knowledge. If he knew how to be masculine; how to be a man, he wouldn't need to try and figure out how to act masculine, now would he? The problem was that he just wasn't. Because he just wasn't, he couldn't figure out how to become it.

He'd been unable to figure it out, when he was younger. All he could see; all his narrow minded gaze had been able to take in, was that he didn't see other boys acting the way he did. He didn't see other boys liking the things he did.

So, he'd tried to change that. He tried to act the way the other boys did. He decided that he liked the things they did, and hated the same things they did as well. He didn't let himself act like he used to. Every single word and action had to be screened first. He had to make sure that it fit, with this ideal of how other boys should behave.

But that had only worried his family. His sisters, were trying to hover over him at school, and that cramped his style. He loved his sisters; he really did, but they didn't need to be around him 24/7. He was trying to show how much of a man he was. How could he truly accomplish that, when he had his older sisters hovering about him; giving his classmates weird looks?

Didn't they realise how humiliating it was for him? He was trying to give off a new vibe. He wanted to be seen differently. Sisters mothering him, was a scene that would fit better with the old Jaejoong. As long as it persisted, no one would ever be able to see his new persona; to see how he'd changed.

So to try and stop them from worrying, he learned to compartmentalise. His new attitude was for school only; for when he was out in public. When he'd come home, he'd act like himself.

His family bought that, he was fairly certain. At least they stopped giving him those strange looks, and trying to have one on one talks with him about what was going on. They were finally leaving him alone, apparently having assumed he'd just been acting strange because of Yunho. Because Yunho had stopped being his friend. He was perfectly okay with them believing that, because he supposed it was probably true to some extent. That had been part of it all, but at the end of the day, it was his thought processes that had developed this idea, and it was his choice to enact it. They thought he would be okay now.

But that tactic, only made him realise how much he disliked his new persona. More than anything else, he wanted to be able to act like himself again. But he was forgetting; he didn't change for no reason. This change had a purpose, one it had yet to fulfil. By acting like a man, he would hopefully be able to become a man, and then everything in his life would get better.

He started hanging around with Yoochun, because the other boy fit in well with his idea of what it meant to be a real man. He learned from him. Looks, gestures, words, phrases. Everything he could. He wanted to make the transition complete.

But despite how many years he'd spent trying to do this; perfecting his little act, so that his persona would be perfect. It hadn't been. He'd known the whole time that it wasn't who he was. He'd always known he wasn't that sort of person. It had always felt hollow; like a mask. He was always so intensely aware of it; he felt so hyper conscious of his performance, that he was convinced everyone else could see it too. That only served to make him more self conscious about it.

Being so aware of it, had clearly caused it not to work. He'd felt no attachment to that mask whatsoever; he saw it as something foreign; something that was not part of himself.

Perhaps that's why it had been so easy for Yunho to erase all of his hard work. While it had been a lengthy process, and it had certainly not been a smooth linear transition, the mask was most definitely gone. That mask was supposed to be a new personality that would supplant Jaejoong's own; it shouldn't have been possible for Yunho to erase it at all. So although the transition had fluctuated; sometimes making lots of progress and other times he'd be sent retreating back inside it again, in the end, Yunho had won. Yunho had convinced him that he liked him better without it; that he liked the old Jaejoong. That he wanted the old Jaejoong back.

Somewhere along the line, the new personality he'd created for himself had shattered, leaving no traces of it's previous existence.

Now he felt so intensely aware of his own lack of masculinity and he had no ideas on how to fix it. Clearly, trying to act like he was a real man, wouldn't make him one. So instead, Jaejoong devised the brilliant idea of analysing someone whom he considered to be a real man. Who better to fill that spot than Yunho?

If he could find out what was different between the two of them, maybe he could figure out what he needed to do, in order to force his transition, into adulthood; into finally becoming a man. A real man.

After a lot of thinking, he eventually managed to decide, that he should cast aside aspects of their personalities and their talents. There were plenty of men out there, and not all of them were loud, or sporty or good at maths or whatever. Besides, if being good at mathematics made you masculine, while being good at Arts made you feminine, then it should be Yunho who was effeminate, and Jaejoong who was masculine.

He decided their physique had little to do with it. Aspects such as the amount of muscle he had, were already roughly similar to Yunho anyway. And other elements, such as his height, were, unfortunately, fixed. There was nothing he could do about that.

He'd also cast aside their age, since once again, were that a factor, really he should have been the more masculine one. He did briefly consider an inverse relationship between age and masculinity, but he had to discard that, once he really began considering it. As if the idea of child marriages wasn't already disturbing enough, he realised that if that were true, Junsu would be more masculine than Yunho.

He couldn't agree with that idea.

Junsu was worse than him, when it came to things like responsibility. He might be knowledgeable when it came to people, and he was even quite smart at school too, to be fair. But Yunho was ten times more of a real man than Junsu was; he could handle anything and everything with ease. He was one of the few men he knew whom responsibility just seemed to click with.

He briefly pondered the notion that it was a genetics based thing. That the men in some families were just masculine while the men in others weren't. It seemed at least theoretically plausible. After all, both Yunho and Changmin seemed to be masculine, while both Junsu and Jaejoong were not. And male family members were all supposed to share the same Y chromosome, weren't they?

But then it occurred to him, that if that were the case, then his father would be like him and Junsu. Just mentally picturing the older man, recalling the stories he'd heard about when he was younger, forced him to dismiss that idea. His father was as much of a real man, as Yunho and Changmin were.

Damn them all.

All this thinking had only served to eliminate other possibilities, but now Jaejoong was running out of ideas. He couldn't seem to find any reason why Yunho would be masculine while he was not. He was getting really frustrated by it too.

He just couldn't accept that masculinity in this sense, could be idiopathic. It just couldn't be. If that were the case, Jaejoong would probably never become a man. If he never became a man, it would mean that he was doomed to spend the rest of his life alone. He'd have to watch Yunho going off and getting married. Having lots of with his pretty young bride (hopefully, not literally seeing it) while he remained a for the rest of his life. While he remained unable to take care of himself; needing Yunho to kill every spider, file his taxes and every other aspect of his life that required responsibility.

As much as he loved the thought of stealing Yunho away from that precious woman of his, even as he recognised that it was very pathetic of him to be jealous of an imagined woman, that he created, he couldn't allow himself to have that life.

He didn't care how horrible or painful or unfulfilling it might be. He wanted to be a real man. He'd endured puberty and now he walked like a man; looked like a man, but on the inside there was still something missing. Something internal, that flows outwards, through every available pore, that told other people how manly you were. It looked like confidence, possibly even arrogance. But no matter how hard he tried, Jaejoong had never been able to generate it, the way that Yunho did.

If he couldn't cultivate that sort of manliness he'd never be able to get Yunho back permanently. But, Yunho wasn't the only man who came across that way, so there should be no reason why Jaejoong couldn't have it too; shouldn't have it too.

He must've just missed something along the way.

That's when it hit him. Of course. He should compare their life experiences. There must be some event in a person's life that triggers the transformation. Some thing has to happen, and then someone becomes a man. They become responsible and confident and everything that Jaejoong felt he lacked. They started behaving the way every other man did, started liking the same things. Because they'd all experienced this event.

It must be only those people, like Jaejoong who had yet to have this experience that lacked that manliness about them. If he could figure out what event that was, then he could have it and he'd be just like the rest of them. He'd finally be a real man as well.

Maybe then he'd be able to accept it, when Yunho didn't want him around anymore. Maybe then, he wouldn't feel like he needed Yunho so much. But with it, Yunho might never decide he didn't want him. Becoming a real man was the only option for him.

It was the perfect idea. So he started comparing. They'd both been kissed, he was pretty certain. He knew his first kiss had been at a party, though he'd been unable to recall exactly who it was. He'd been told about that kiss by a classmate, after it had happened. He'd never bothered to ask who it was with; unable to make eye contact with anyone at school, until the thought drifted to the back of his mind. Who cared, it was a stupid first kiss anyway. It probably hadn't been that exciting, considering the fact that no one was talking about it.

He knew Yunho had. The boy had been grinning about it proudly, when he was 8. He'd be so pleased with himself, but the girl told everyone after they broke up a few weeks later, that he'd been no good at it. That it had happened during a game of truth or dare at her birthday party, while her mother was out of the room. She'd also informed them that despite how cool, Yunho had tried to make out that he was, that he'd actually missed her bottom lip, so he was partly kissing below her nose, and he'd accidentally bitten her in the process. Yunho had turned so red; he wouldn't speak to anyone except Jaejoong for days, complaining about how stupid girls were, and how he would never ever date another one in his life.

He'd broken his promise. Not that Jaejoong really minded.

They'd both clearly gotten drunk before. So it couldn't have been about learning to hold your alcohol, without throwing up. They'd both clearly had enough experience with the stuff to know approximately how much they could handle. Darn, he was so sure it might've been that. Didn't all the old men at his family parties always tell the boys that real men knew how to hold their liquor?

Guess they lied.

Or they were drunk at the time.

They'd both graduated from school. They'd both been to parties. They'd both moved out of home. The more he thought about it, the more major experiences he could think of, but they all turned out to be things they had both experienced. If the transition was experience-driven, surely if it were any of those things, then both of them should have become real men. But only Yunho had.

The more he tried to think of a major experience, the less he could come up with. He dolefully realised, he might have to face the fact that he was just not meant to be a real man. That he wasn't that sort of person; that he'd never be that sort of person. Luckily, before those morose thoughts could settle too firmly in his mind, it occurred to him.

.

That had to be it. That was the only major experience that he hadn't experienced, where Yunho had. He knew Yunho had; he'd known it for ages, and Yunho had confirmed it. He'd had with that Mrs Park woman. God he hated her. Who knew whether or not Yunho had been stupid or greedy or in love enough to have had with anyone else. Hadn't Junsu suggested that maybe all of Yunho's high school girl and boyfriends had really just been ual partners?

He disregarded that point. Number probably didn't mean anything. It wasn't like in the Sims, when your person had a romantic life goal. There were no prises for being with 5, 50 or 500 people. There weren't milestones when it came to this transition business. At least, he didn't think there were. No, having his first time should be enough to cause the transition.

If he just went out and had , like a regular young man, then he would finally become a real man. That had to be the solution.

But now he was distracted, by this theory. Well his father had definitely had ; he did have 8 sisters after all. So that would make sense. Junsu... The other boy tended to talk about a lot, but it was always jokingly done. Sure, to some people he might come off as though he were a bit sleazy, but he knew his cousin better. He was young; he was well informed, yes, but he didn't think he'd had . He knew for a fact he had only ever had two boyfriends, and both of them hadn't lasted long. Surely Junsu would have told him if he had?

Then there was Changmin. He seemed as mature; as masculine as his brother. But wasn't he about the same age as Junsu? How could someone so young be experienced? He knew it was possible, that he was old enough to have gained experience, and that was just going by a legal standpoint. But there was just something about the boy that made him reconsider. Yunho was being blackmailed by Mrs Park, because she was threatening his brother.

The time limit Yunho set on their relationship would coincide with when Changmin went off to university. He would be an adult. Perhaps, if he really did stick to Yunho like Yunho claimed he did, and they both hated their parents, Changmin was planning on moving out. Perhaps he was going to come to the city. That way Yunho wouldn't need the guise of their relationship, anymore since Changmin would be here; since he'd be able to protect Changmin himself.

That need to protect Changmin would make a lot more sense, given the ual nature of her extortion, if Changmin were inexperienced, like Jaejoong. But then, again, it'd make just as much sense if he were experienced too. Or maybe he was just very well informed. Like Junsu. Junsu gave off a vibe others could interpret as 'experience' so maybe people who were in the know about these kinds of things, could give off a vibe to others. Maybe that confidence was learned; through their familiarity with the subject matter on a theoretical level, but was only temporary because it was not a result of practical experience, like Yunho?

He banished his thoughts in irritation. He would never know one way or the other whether or not the two boys had ever had . He didn't need to. For the purposes of evaluating his latest hypothesis, they had passed. It seemed plausible. But that wasn't helping him test it.

His heart bounced rapidly, at the idea of what he was considering right now. If he wasn't mistaken, he was currently considering the ludicrous idea that he should go and have with someone so that he'd be a real man. But would that really be worth it. Sure, he'd wanted to be one for years, but was it going to be worth it?

All this time, being a real man had only been a means, to a much more important end. Could he really live with the idea that he'd lost his ity for that? What if he didn't achieve his ultimate goal, how would he feel about how low he'd stooped in order to try and steal it for himself? Would he ever be able to look at himself again, knowing what he'd done. Knowing that he'd betrayed his own values out of his desperation; his selfishness. If he could tolerate that, would he be able to stand the way Yunho wouldn't be able to look him in the eyes anymore?

This was insane. Sure, he knew he was in love. He knew he wanted to be loved in return so badly, but would this really help? What if it only made everything worse? But then, what else could possibly happen? What could be worse than the future he was already in line to have?

He groaned, trying to force aside all the questions and the arguments. He couldn't deal with all of these unanswered questions. It was too much for him. They were all valid points, but they didn't tell him what he should do. They implied that maybe he should just leave things as they were. That maybe he should just confine himself to a permanent effeminate existence and be done with it.

But then he'd spend the rest of his life, getting either what he was getting now, or less. He could barely breathe as it was. How could he survive on less? On nothing at all? He had to try.

He tried to convince himself, but his lips were still shaking, his fingers trembling with the weight of what he was trying to think. His eyes got wet, and he blinked away his tears, frustrated. Why did the thought of losing his ity to some random guy he picked up have to terrify him; to hurt him so badly?

Plenty of people had like that. The movies and TV shows; the magazines and the music channels told him so. Everything said such interactions would be completely normal; a sign of the times. It'd be completely acceptable for a young, virile man such as himself to do it.

But he didn't want to. Curse his prudish ways.

He wanted something special and warm. He wanted it to be intimate. He wanted it to have emotions attached to it. He wanted it to have substance. Surely that's what Yunho's must have been like, as much as the thought gnawed at his insides. So what if those emotions had only been a teenage crush with a hearty mix of fear and excitement at what they were doing? Surely that was better than alcohol induced lust?

Because surely that was the only way he'd be able to convince some random stranger in a bar that he wanted him; if he was completely wasted. If he was so out of his mind that he had no idea what he was doing. He'd never had anyone in his life look at him, talk to him; treat him, as though they wanted him ually. So surely that meant that no one would look at him ually, unless they'd had so much alcohol they didn't realise what they were doing.

But he didn't want that. He really just didn't want it that way. Where were they going to go? What if the other guy didn't want to go back to his place because he had room mates or he was convinced Jaejoong would go all creepy and start stalking him or something? What if they had to go back to Jaejoong's apartment; Yunho's apartment? What if Yunho saw him bringing someone home? How would he be able to go through with it, knowing that Yunho knew what he was doing, in the same apartment?

Why did his opinion have to matter so damn much? Why did he have to love him? Why couldn't Yunho have the decency to just love him back, so that he wouldn't have to go looking for , so that he could become a real man to please him; to impress him?

He sighed, at the thought. Yunho probably wouldn't be impressed with Jaejoong for that. For bringing some random guy home; having drunken in his apartment, Yunho would lose all respect he had for him. He might even kick him out, then where would he go?

Why did life have to be so unfair?

In order to get the attention of the guy of his dreams, he had to be a real man. But the only way to become a real man is by having , as he'd deduced only a short while ago. But his dream guy would lose all respect for him if he had , i.e. he'd lose any chance he might've had with him.

He flopped backwards onto his pillows, with a frustrated grumble. He writhed about kicking and punching to vent his frustrations at the cyclic cruelty of the universe. It was only once he'd exhausted himself from moving so much; when he could do nothing but lie there, breathing deeply, to try and regain the breath he'd lost from his activity, that it occurred to him.

Yunho would lose all respect for him if he had with a stranger. Especially if he found out that it had been Jaejoong's first time. But that didn't mean he couldn't have at all. He just had to have with someone else; someone he knew. He tried to perk up at his new found, brilliant idea, but that glee came crashing down around his ears.

Jaejoong didn't really know anybody.

Images of the people he knew flashed before his mind. He knew his sisters and his parents. But that was just; no. He knew Junsu, again; no. He knew Seohyun, but that would be a bad idea on so many levels. First of all; she was a girl, he barely knew her, Mrs Park said she had a boyfriend now (whether he believed that or not, it was still a compelling reason) and least of all, the two of them hadn't exactly parted on good terms. He knew Mrs Park, but again; no. He was not having with that woman. He didn't need one of those tests to check he was gay; he'd rather go on believing the lie than sleep with any of the women he knew, and again, random hookups weren't really his thing.

Excluding any one that he didn't know well; classmates, lecturers, random people he encountered in everyday life. He was only left with two people, he could think of right now. There was Yoochun, but again that had to be a no. After what Yoochun had done to him, he'd rather die than go to him to ask for help. Let alone asking him to.... No that was definitely out of the question.

Wait, no there was Changmin as well, wasn't there? He knew the boy, well enough. So what if he was a few years younger than him, right? Sure Changmin was masculine, but he didn't see him that way. He'd known the boy for years; he was a friend sure, but not a possible candidate for something such as this. He'd feel weird, robbing the poor boy of his innocence, particularly since he was Yunho's brother. It was a good thing he wasn't interested in sleeping with Changmin, he reasoned, since he was fairly certain there was a rule against sleeping with someone's sibling when you want to be/are dating them.

But that only left one man, that Jaejoong knew, and his cheeks flushed at the thought. He couldn't believe he was even considering this; it was ludicrous; it was insane. He couldn't possibly be realistically considering sleeping with Yunho could he? So what if he knew him; felt attracted to him; loved him. Surely that would ruin their friendship, quicker than anything else he could possibly think of doing. Not to mention the fact that it wouldn't make any sense.

He'd be sleeping with Yunho, to get his first time out of the way; so that he'd become experienced; so that he'd become a real man. So that he could then impress Yunho with that masculinity of his, and his experience, and thus get him to fall in love with him. But that didn't make any sense. Yunho wouldn't be impressed by that; he'd have taught him everything he'd learn from the experience of having .

But what other choices did he have, other than to give up on his love for Yunho for the rest of his life? What choice did he have other than to be doomed to live a life completely alone; unloved, until the day he died?

Besides, he tried to reassure himself. Yunho was so compassionate. He was always the good boy; the honourable one. If he couldn't agree to help out his friend, surely he wouldn't let it destroy their relationship. Surely, he'd be able to see his way to putting it all behind him; pretending as though it never happened. He wouldn't let it ruin anything would he? That's not what the honourable, good boys do, right? What were the chances that Yunho would act out of his character; behave in a way that disagreed with his nature, the one time Jaejoong was relying on him to be himself?