PLAYLIST: “Come Out, Let’s Walk,” 20 Years of Age, Joo Yein

BAEKHYUN

I do not exactly know what kind of sorcery Dohee played on me last night but something must have happened that changed a lot inside me. It’s comparable to feeling hope. Like I can almost see the light … I just have to work for it, to get there. However, it’ll be like walking through quicksand that is Shim Dohee’s very peculiar mind. Good luck to me, nevertheless.

I am not normally competitive at all, that’s why I do not appreciate sports or any violent acts. But last night seemed to have stretched my patience way too much to the point of total wreckage. I told Taewoo that I was hoping to find someone for marriage, someone to settle down with. I told him that I was not in any rush but if she comes, she will come at the right time. Well, I believe she’s been coming to me for the past three years, literally. So, what am I doing? Or what am I not doing?

It could be the guy she went on a date with last night that set me off. It could be her tears; the ones in the afternoon and the ones after that when I called her last night. It could also be … as simple as feeling her hand ruffling my hair and her insinuation that I could call her noona, which has always been a pet peeve of her. The last option makes me sound very shallow but it’s more likely believable than the other options.

As I wait in my car, my hands gripping on the steering wheel, I prepare myself.

It is not going to be easy and I need to be slow and careful with her. She’s a character, she’s complicated, she’s very naïve … but I’m down for the challenge. I am not going to let another fail Tinder date make her doubt herself; her beauty and her worth … her purity. She deserves better than that. I’ve always made the excuse of not knowing how to like her the way she wants to be liked but I’m done doing that. If I don’t know, I will find out. Every inch of it. And I will provide. The motivation I am feeling inside right now is almost so similar to what I felt about hairstyling at the beginning of my career.

I wasn’t born a hairstylist but I chose to be one later on, and now I am one.

It’s the same thing. I wasn’t born to deserve her, but I can do something to deserve her. Well … that is if she doesn’t end up running away. No matter how motivated I am right now, I am in no position to force her into anything that she doesn’t want to. I respect her a lot. I care about her a lot. I want to get to know her on a deeper level before I go for the real challenge and I want her to get to know me as well. There’s no harm in trying something I am serious about. I am serious about my feelings for her.

Knock. Knock. Light taps get my attention back to reality. I turn and see her standing by my car, peeking at me through the window. I watch her get in shyly. She settles down on the seat while running her fingers through her hair. “Okay be—before you judge me, yes I attempted to curl my hair with the cheap curling iron I own. It doesn’t look perfect but I’m quite happy with it.” She defends right away before I could even actually inspect her hair. It doesn’t actually look that bad, just some straight pieces in some areas which she might have missed. Her wavy roots were also not straightened out, I assume she couldn’t really do her own blow-out. That’s something I would validate to be difficult to do for yourself. I smile a little as I check her hair, pushing it behind her ear. She flinches. “Oh, I thought you don’t want me doing that?” She asked, blinking in curiosity. “Yeah.” I simply nod. “But I wanted to do it.”

She gives me this very unreadable expression while she nods. Her pink lips were puckered in a pout. “Okay!” She snaps her fingers before looking at me with a shy grin. “Where are we off to now? Where do you want me to treat you?” She asks. I could tell that she was trying her best to be as lively as she usually is in the salon but I’m not buying it. She couldn’t even look me straight in the eyes right now. Her pupils are shakier than of a Siamese cat’s.

I lean on my seat to think. I really don’t have an answer to that. I don’t go out to eat unless it’s absolutely needed. I only ever go out for business meetings or occasional birthday gatherings for work. I don’t know a lot of restaurants aside from the ones I drive every day on my way to work. “You decide. I’m okay with anything.” I suggest, gesturing her to think.

She looks at me with an even bigger pout. I find her cheeks very pinchable right now but I control myself from driving her away because of panic in the first two minutes. “Really? You didn’t even think it through at all? Like nothing? No idea? You could tell me, don’t worry about the price. Just say a place and we’ll be there. Don’t be shy, Baekhyun.” She assures me but I am also quite sure myself that I have no idea. Is that bad? Am I that bad?

My chest tightens. I really have nothing in mind right now and I feel so bad. I am not the most adventurous person—if not one of the least adventurous ones. Why do I feel like I’m already messing this up? I look around in dread as I try to come up with an answer she’d prefer. I keep silent. I don’t want to end up stuttering, not in front of her. “Nothing?” She asks again, in an even cloudier tone. Oh god, Byun Baekhyun, come up with something. She’s waiting for you to say something.

“Uhm.” I calm myself down and blew air in my cheeks. “Pasta.” I finally speak.

She slowly nods while looking up. “Okay, that’s still a vague answer. Where? What restaurant? What kind of pasta? Okay, let’s see here.” She starts looking through her phone and that made me feel worse. This is where one of my hidden weaknesses appears. As I said, I am not adventurous. I don’t talk a lot. I don’t even seem interested in anything even if I am. I don’t want her to get the wrong idea. I hope she doesn’t misunderstand me in any way. “How about we drive around until we find a place?” She then offers. Another hint of anxiety comes up to me. How do you just drive around without knowing where to go? What does she mean?

“Okay, drive where? Which direction?” I kindly ask her. She looks at me open-mouthed, speechless. Oh wow, I am really ruining this already. What am I doing? I turn to my steering wheel and quickly start the engine. “Uh … let’s just start driving, I guess.” I can’t look at her again until I figure this all out. I always need a plan. I am a man with a lot of plans … so this is really a challenge for me. What is happening to me? Why am I suddenly feeling so weak right now? Where’s all the confidence I had all day since she texted me? I am very baffled by my own current behavior that is very out of the ordinary.

As the car starts moving, the quietness remains. I need to break this. We can’t only be comfortable with each other when we’re inside the salon. If I really want this, I need to learn and I need to teach her how. “Are you okay with pasta?” I ask, genuinely curious about her preference. That seemed to have calmed down the tightness in her expression as she thinks. “Yeah, I would actually like some pizza too but if we go to an Italian place for pasta, we can just get both.” She answers. Oh, why didn’t she tell me that earlier? It would have been much easier. “Let’s have pizza then.” I offer right away but she protested, waving her hand frantically. “No no no no, we’ll—uh—we will have both. We don’t ha—have to go for what I want only. Let’s pick an Italian place.” She stutters but sounded more determined. But I want to have what she wants to have … is that bad?

I continue driving, gluing my eyes on the road. Feeling her presence alone beside me is helping me slowly calm down again from that previous panic I just had. “Did you have anything to do during the day?” I ask her. I need to assure her that we can talk like friends, like how we are always whenever she has a hair appointment. I am the same person she tells all her troubles to. “Hmm … my parents came over and we had lunch together. Then I watched a TV show when they left. That’s—uh—pretty much it.” She giggles. I smile in acknowledgment. I could tell she was looking at me as if watching me drive. I try my best not to falter and keep calm.

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