PLAYLIST: “Need You Now,” Lady A

BAEKHYUN

Never have I imagined it to be this hard. There was not an ounce of doubt in my mind about my relationship with Dohee and maybe that’s why it hurts so much. I am not even new to this. I have experienced a breakup more than once in my life and believe me, I genuinely loved those women I dated in the past. But somehow, this breakup feels so much different. It’s breaking a part of me that I never even thought was capable of breaking. Now here I am standing in front of my co-workers, injured hands wrapped up, swollen eyes concealed in a pair of sunglasses, and my hair wildly unattended—a rare occurrence, I’d say.

“Uh, Baekhyun oppa?” Sara reluctantly guesses.

“Hi, everyone. Sorry I was late.”

I need to keep my composure. I cannot lose it, not even for a second. It doesn’t matter what I look like right now. I just need to get this convention over with. Bomi noona squints her eyes at me and I can already tell that she is not amused by what is presented in front of her. Fortunately to me, she doesn’t embarrass me publicly and instead drags me to one corner behind a kiosk, making sure our co-workers wouldn’t be able to see us. “Oh my god, what the hell happened Byun Baekhyun? What is this?” She lifts both of my hands as if showing me something I’ve never seen before. “And why are you—” She flings off my sunglasses revealing the depressing situation around my eyes. Her face speaks volume and I feel her motherly hands on my face. “Oh my god—what happened to you?”

I take a step back to break away from her hands. I lower my upper body down into a full bow. “I’m sorry I was late, noona. I hope I didn’t keep everyone waiting.” I reply my voice gruff and uncertain. I lift my head again and grip the handle of my luggage tightly to keep myself stable enough to stand straight without faltering.

She frowns even more. “Can you explain the hands? Please tell me you didn’t injure them.”

Unfortunately, I did, very badly. I know that I would not be able to do the master class on stage in this condition. I’m surprised I was even able to pull myself together enough to drive here to the airport. I almost didn’t. I wasn’t going to … until I had no choice. I lower my eyes to avoid her intimidating stare. There is a brief silence between us and I know that she would not let this go unless I tell her. But I still try my luck and just keep my mouth pressed shut until she miraculously lets it go.

She finally breaks the silence when she grabs one of my hands and with no hesitation unwraps it. “Oh —we’re ed. What is this? Byun Baekhyun if you don’t say anything, you’re in serious trouble.” I retrieve my hand along with the wrap and hide them behind me. “I just—” I close my eyes to avoid whatever reaction she may have. “I got into a fight.”

I hear her gruff sigh but I still refuse to look at her. “This bad? How many people did you fight? Your hands are busted.” I turn my head away and swallow hard. “And I—I kind of—well, I was a bit upset and I punched a wall … a couple of times.” I finally admit and to be honest, it’s the wall that ultimately injured my hands this badly, not exactly the face of that . “O—okay, uhm, this is—” Bomi noona chuckles sarcastically and I watch her pace back and forth in front of me. “This is hard to absorb without any context, you know that, right?”

I nod. “I’m sorry but I’d rather not talk about it, noona. I hope you understand.”

She presses her fingers on the center of her forehead. “This is just—Baekhyun, I’ve never seen you like this and I’m a bit disturbed. I know that you picked up your girlfriend last night … does this have something to do with it? I’m not going to let you go until you tell me.” She is frank with me and I am not so sure how to react to that. Girlfriend. Yeah, I wish. I don’t say anything and instead, glue my eyes on my luggage. I am consistent with keeping my mouth shut until I finally hear a defeated laugh from her. “Alright, I guess you’re not going to tell me. Then let’s go back to the hands. Who’s going to do the master class? Huh? Did you not even think about that before beating people and walls up? I’m so disappointed in you, Baekhyun. Of all times, why now?”

She has every right to be upset with me. This launch has been a long time coming for her so she really put everything into this convention. The master class will introduce her colour line as well and I am the most familiar with its formulation and proper usage because I developed it with her.

I have never heard her speak like this before and I would be lying if I say I’m not slightly afraid. I bow again. “I’m sorry, noona. I understand if you’re disappointed. I’m so sorry, I don’t know what to say, I really—” I feel the tears forming in the corners of my eyes again and I exhale a shaky breath. Shim Dohee flashes back in my head effortlessly, enlarging the void in my heart. I let go of the luggage and cup my knees with both hands just so I don’t fall. “I’m really sorry.” I continue to apologize even though I’ve officially broken into tears.

I feel my boss pull me up and she finally catches my gaze. I keep a straight face as if tears aren’t rolling off my eyes at the moment. I clear my throat before rubbing my eyes against my sleeves to dry the tears. “Are you and Dohee okay?” She finally goes there and my heart plummets even more. I swallow hard before taking a deep breath. “We are … not together anymore. She broke up with me last night.” I blink several times before continuing to speak. “But you don’t have to worry, I will pull through with the convention and launch. I am not going to disappoint you again, noona. I will still do the master class; I might just need assistance on stage.”

I see her shoulders drooping lower with dismay. “Oh god—and to think that I just told you all those things about the two of you last night, I’m—” she cups my face. “I’m so sorry to hear that, dear.” I give her a lopsided smile before lowering my head again. “You know what, I’m … I’m not that heartless. If you want, you don’t have to go with us. I’ll take care of it. You’ve worked hard enough for this launch and I will still give so much credit to you when we get there.” She sympathetically offers but I am quick to shake my head.

“Noona, it’s fine. I’ll be fine. I should not mix up my personal life with my work life. I appreciate it though. Thank you.”

To that, she finally gives me a defeated smile before pulling in for a friendly hug.

The two-day convention has finally come to an end. I pulled through, as promised. I was able to do the master class with the assistance of Taewoo on the first day. The launch took place on the second day and it was successful. We had a good sales record for a launch day—a lot of people were interested in our haircare and colour lines. It was a busy two days for us and normally, being busy makes you forget time; therefore, it goes by faster.

But it didn’t for me.

It was the slowest two days of my entire life. I counted every second, every minute of my days. I couldn’t focus and enjoy the convention as a member. I didn’t even buy a single and normally, I would. Conventions are the perfect place to buy your tools from both established and new brands for a discounted price. It’s like Disneyland for us hairstylists. But for me, it just felt like hell. Work … felt like hell. I was there solely to do my job and I’ve never felt that in such a long time. Despite the evident change in my demeanour since day one, nobody dared to ask me why. Only Bomi noona knows about everything and I want to keep it that way. She is the only one on the team who has the right to know since the situation technically affected my work ethic.

Aside from two small breakdowns on the first day when I got here in Tokyo, I have been successful in keeping myself away from my phone and trying to contact Dohee. But I don’t know how I’m supposed to hold myself tonight when it’s her birthday tomorrow. I want to call her. I want to hear her voice. I want to wish her a happy birthday. I want her … back.

My co-workers all went out to celebrate but I passed. I don’t feel like rejoicing when I just got dumped. After bidding goodbye to my team, I go straight into my hotel room. I place the nice