PLAYLIST: “Lust,” Hoody, ELO

DOHEE

I feel like a princess. This doesn’t feel real at all. The view from the window is perfect, the ambiance of the restaurant is perfect and the man sitting across me is … perfect. Just perfect. He insisted that I order whatever I like and it actually took us quite of an argument before I eventually gave in. Of course, I got steak because it is life. For some reason, I don’t feel too insecure about my lack of extravagant attire. Not everyone here is looking the way I imagined them to look. Baekhyun was right, after all, I had nothing to worry about. “Do I still need to ask if you’re liking the food so far?” Baekhyun asks taking me out of my daydream. I grin while chewing. I can tell that he is teasing me because of the way he smirks. I only scrunch my nose at him as a response.

This is so relaxing. I take another bite of my steak before looking out the glass window. Only beautiful people deserve to see this beautiful view in front of me right now, that includes Baekhyun. What am I even doing here? How did I get here? How did we get here? “Have you been here before?” I ask, hoping he doesn’t sense that I am trying to imply a particular date with past girlfriends. I don’t know why I always try to find something to upset myself about. None of this should matter at all but my stupid brain can’t help but imagine him having the most beautiful ex-girlfriends. Baekhyun nods at me. He finishes chewing his food before speaking. “A couple of times before. Not in a while though.” He narrows his eyes at me as if trying to read my expression.

Shim Dohee, stop upsetting yourself over nothing. I look down to my plate as I try to shake away all the unnecessary thoughts in my head. Why do I have to be so insecure about everything? “Did you … go with your ex-girlfriend?” I still end up asking. I immediately regret not being able to help it and I wander my eyes back towards the window. I put on my biggest smile to assure him that I am not asking out of spite. “Noona.” He calls softly making me look down again as I shyly smile. Now, I am embarrassed. I shouldn’t have said anything.

He suddenly grabs my hand from across the table. “Hey, look at me.” He pleads to make me do as he says. His eyes quickly find my heart, so effortlessly. He doesn’t have to do anything else but simply give me those eyes and I am lost in him again. He kisses my knuckles before them affectionately with his thumb. He makes me forget why I was even being insecure in the first place and he didn’t even have to say anything else! I finally smile more genuinely but I lower my head again. I feel my chest pounding very fast as he continues to caress my hand. He’s so affectionate both in words and in actions, more so in actions, and I am not complaining.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked such a personal question.” I flip my head away from my shoulders as I stab a piece of Asparagus with my fork. “No, I don’t mind you asking at all. I just don’t want you to focus on such things because they don’t matter right now. We are here together as a new couple. All my attention is for you, I am only looking at you and no one else. I just want you to know that. Okay?” I find myself sighing as I ease back down to my chair. He’s right. He is so right. My heart feels so full as I look back at him. “Ye—yeah, I know. Sorry.” I mutter back. Baekhyun simply shakes his head. “No, don’t say sorry. It’s all good.” His voice is gentle, making me shiver in pleasure.

As he chews his food, he rests his elbows on the edge of the table before clasping his hands together under his chin. He simply watches me eat and I feel so conscious—in a good way. He is looking at me with so much fondness. I could be reading too much into this but he is looking at me as if it was a dream come true for him to be here with me right now. “Do you want to try my steak?” I offer him. He got pasta for himself instead so I figured he’d want to try mine.

He smiles coolly and shrugs. “If you don’t mind.” He agrees so I cut a piece for him. I hand him my fork so he could take it himself but he bites the meat from the fork right away, not bothering to grab it from me anymore. He takes it in his mouth in such a way that our eyes are still glued at each other. I feel heat climb up my cheeks as I retrieve my hand back to my plate. “Hm, it’s good. Which one is better? My steak or that?” He asks with so much confidence.

Okay, really? I scoff in response. “Yah, are you seriously asking me to compare your cooking with this high-class restaurant’s food? Cocky, aren’t we?” I wave my hand to decline from answering. Baekhyun shrugs. “That’s made with professional training. Mine’s made with love. It should be easy for you to pick mine.” I swallow hard from that statement and he seems to know his effect on me because of how he is smiling right now. I keep a smug expression on. “Okay then, let me cut your hair with love. Are you going to let me?” I argue back finally seeing a defeated smile from him. “What? Now, you can’t say nothing.” I cheekily smile while pointing at him.

“I’d let you cut my hair; I can just teach you how.” He says after a while as if he had to think carefully of a better answer. I pfft back. “I can barely shave my legs properly. Trust me, you don’t want me touching your hair.” I reply and he shrugs in return, as if not finding much humour from what I said. “I actually like you touching my hair. Very much.” He claims which completely shuts me up this time. I am pretty sure … he means that in a different scenario, right? I grab my glass of water and take in a few gulps to ease up the hot tension that is building up inside me.  Ready myself to divert my attention with some other thoughts. “By the way, I’ve always wanted to ask you … how and when did you start getting interested in doing hair?” From my question, his cheeky smile changes into an impressed one, like it’s the most amazing thing to hear from me. “No, because, you don’t have any other relatives that do that same, right? If I’m not mistaken.” I defend myself.

He nods. “Yeah, I know. I just … like it that you’re interested to know. It feels good.” He twirls his fork on the pasta and stops momentarily. “When I was younger, my mom used to take me with her whenever she got her hair done because she’d pick me up from school before and instead of driving me home first, she’d just go straight to the salon and make me wait there. I don’t know, I just grew really curious of the whole … thing.” He starts with a simple light-hearted story which I enjoy listening to. You don’t always get a talkative Byun Baekhyun so I feel privileged to witness this. “Then when I was in high school, I start doing my guy friends’ hair for fun and I felt like I have a natural talent in it. I’ve always had an eye for it.” He clears his throat for a moment before moving on. “I was set to enter into med school but I told my parents that I wanted to do hair instead. So … I had to move out of the house as soon as I finished high school so I could pursue hairstyling on my own. I applied for a student loan to get into a hair school and I lived in a room for a while.”

I frown at the last portion of the story. “They … kicked you out?” I ask in pure shock. Baekhyun simply shrugs at me as if it’s nothing. I wish he’s not just bottling this all up not to worry me. I mean, I should have seen it coming from the way his father treated him at the party but I just didn’t know it was this bad. “Hey, why do you look like you’re about to cry? Come on, don’t be silly.” He chuckles and grabs my hand across the table again. Why is it hurting me so much? The things he had to go through just to pursue his dream—I am so soft for people like him. “I still hung out with them once in a while, it’s not like we were estranged after that. They just couldn’t support me emotionally and financially, that’s all.” He assures me—HOW IS THAT ASSURING FOR HIM AT ALL? That still sounds just as terrible. I have never been this sad since Saeroyi’s father passed away in Itaewon Class.

“Okay, come on.” He sighs in between chuckles. “Why are you so upset—you’re so cute. Stop it.” He reaches across the table and gently pinches my cheek between his index and middle finger.

I narrow my eyes at him despite the throbbing sensation on my chest. I just want to protect him with everything that I have. I have the sudden urge to hug him right now but I hold it in since we are in a public place. My expression eventually softens as he smiles again. I never thought I had this in me, to care about someone so much. I never thought I cared about him as much as I am doing so right now. “Are you happy right now?” I can’t help but ask. He deserves the world. He deserves to be happy and I just really hope he is . He has been through a lot and he deserves good things only.

He leans on his chair, his head slowly falling to the side as he gazes at me. Those honey gazes of his affect my heartbeat drastically again. “Very very happy.” He grabs his fork and uselessly drags it on his food. “So, don’t worry. Okay?” He adds. I know him. He doesn’t lie. I so admire his resilience; I hope someday I could learn to build my own too. “Anyway, is there anything else you want to do after dinner?” He finally changes the topic but it doesn’t make me feel better. Oh god, now what? Why did I not think of that? We are almost done with our dinner and it’s only past eight in the evening. We have plenty of time to do more things.

But what?

I at this.  

“Uh—what do you think?” I try to turn it around so he thinks of it instead. He gives me a worn-out chuckle as he drops his fork. “Are we doing this again?” He asks and that reminds me of that one time we went out as friends for the first time. Right. We both at this. “I mean, we’re both off tomorrow, right? It’s a Sunday. So, it’s not like we need to end the night early. We could do just anything all night.” He looks down to his plate as if he’s thinking. I gulp immediately as thoughts begin running in my head right away. By anything … he means? By all night … he means? I facepalm myself as I look away. Embarrassment grows inside me. I have been thinking so inappropriately about us since we became official last night. I need to get a hold of myself. I know I am a grown woman very much deprived of romance but I still need to get it together and be a proper lady.

I grab my glass of water to drink again. This conversation is affecting my hydration. My throat feels drier than the Sahara Desert. “We could go to my place after and watch a movie, maybe?” He suddenly suggests and I swear to God—I was so close to spitting my drink at him again. I figure he feels the same when he backs up, holding his napkin up against his chest, about to use it as a shield in case of emergency.

Like … Netflix and Chill? I’ve heard of that term a lot from young people around me at work. Oh god, Shim Dohee, you nasty old hag.

I watch Baekhyun as he finishes his food. I am also almost done with mine. As every second goes by, I get more nervous. I didn’t say anything about his first suggestion and I am not quite sure if I am terrified or excited about the idea at all. I mean, in his defence, I did turn it around on him so he could think of what to do instead. It’s not like he’s forcing it on me. Do I want to go to his place after this? Do I want to watch a movie with him and possibly end up doing some other things—WOAH, the heat, I cannot take this heat. I am freaking out. How do I erase all these unnecessary thoughts from my head right now? Why do I have to be surrounded by such young people at work who taught me about Netflix and Chill? I should have never found out about that. Breathing is an obligation as I gaze at him with narrowed eyes.

Okay. Shim Dohee, make up your mind. It’s too soon. We shouldn’t go there yet. I nod in determination. I need to be kind to myself and know that I am not yet ready for such things. We will eventually get there, let us not rush into things just because we want to satisfy our cravings. “Yeah, we should do that.” I blurt out before mentally shooting myself in the mouth for saying a completely different thing. I see his eyes lit up with a smile. “Yeah? Do you want to do that? Okay.” He nods casually before drinking his w