Headlights on me

Racing to sixty, I've been a fool

Strawberries and cigarettes always taste like you

After spending her weekend trapped in her room, Monday came and being a good student she was, Seulgi dragged herself to school but paid no attention to her lessons.

It was going quite well until her literature teacher noticed her indifferent behavior.

"Kang Seulgi?"

The girl blinked and raised her hand. "Yes?"

"Please recite the poem we're going to learn today."

Thankfully, Yerim showed her the page they were learning and Seulgi stood up.

The teacher nodded signalling her to start and she held up her book.

It felt strange hearing her voice after spending 48 hours of well, not talking.

"If we are falling snow, by Ahn Do-hyun."

She cleared , still unfamiliar with her voice.

"If we are falling snow, let us not turn into sleet that goes drifting sluggish through the air."

She squinted her eyes to make sure she read the phrases right and frowned.

"Though the world may be dark, the wind blow cold,"

Just like my world, she thought to herself.

"Let us turn into thick, warm snowflakes and fall on the lowest places in villages where people live."

Seulgi paused. Feeling like she had been slapped.

"...If we are falling snow, let us turn into messages at the window of one unable to sleep."

She felt warmth seep into her and shivered.

"Become new flesh covering that person's deep, crimson wounds."

Seulgi sat down and stared at the poem, and read it again.

Their teacher started to explain each phrases but she couldn't hear anything.

She was never a big fan of poems because they had too many meanings in such a short phrase. 

But this poem was different.

She remembered wanting to help the others and finding happiness by doing it ever since she was young.

She dreamed of becoming a person who made other person's life for the better.

 And even when she was broken, her dream never faded but only got bigger.

Because with her pain, she became to understand how others felt.

She wanted to be thick, warm snowflakes that fell on the lowest places in villages where people live.

She wanted to be messages at the window of one unable to sleep.

She wanted to be the new flesh covering that person's deep, crimson wounds.

She wanted to be like that. For herself. For Joohyun. And for all her loved ones.

There were tons of people with wealth, good career, and good looks.

And in the past, she dreamed of becoming on of them, and admired them for receiving respect from so many people.

But she wanted to be a falling snow.

Because she realized receiving adoration from one person was enough. Because that adoration was love.

And numbers were meaningless when it came to love.

Of course, she was still struggling.

She despised the dingo who cheated and hurt her mother.

She was still heartbroken when Joohyun said they could be a mistake.

And she still thought of herself as a mistake who did many wrong.

But she also realized her thoughts were torturing her.

All her wounds were scarred by herself.

She was the only one who could actually hurt herself.

And she was the only one who could really med herself.

She wanted to end this torture she was giving herself ever since she was left alone.

Even when the fates were cruel, she wasn't going to let that break herself.

Seulgi threw her backpack on the floor and crashed into her bed.

She sighed with satisfaction by the comfort the mattress gave her and closed her eyes.

Everything felt like a dream. Her mother going through another divorce, the dingo sending her his last hateful glare as he left.

"What's up, sis." Joongi's head popped up behind the door. "Do you have a minute?"

Seulgi was too tired to speak so she gestured him to sit beside her.

She felt the mattress bounce up and down when Joongi sat next to her.

"How's mom?"

"Better than yesterday. But still bad."

"What are we gonna do?"

"I'm planning on going on a trip."

"Alone?"

"No. With mom."

"Oh."

"Lots of things happened." Joongi sighed. "And I think it won't hurt for mom to see the good sides of the world."

Seulgi nodded in approvement. "That's a good idea."

"Are you still going to see dad?"

"I guess." Seulgi rubbed her tired eyes. "I don't know. You're helping mom so.."

"Don't be too pressured." Joongi lightly patted his sister's back. "You're sixteen."

"Apparently, the world doesn't want me to be sixteen."

"Screw what the world thinks."

"And now YOU'RE acting like a sixteen year old."

"You deserve to be happy, dimwit." His brother said as he ruffled his sister's hair.

"We all deserve to be happy. And I'm not going to sit here and wait for the world to make us happy."

And most of all, Joohyun's confession.

"What?"

"I love you, Seulgi."

"I don't understand." Seulgi pulled away from her, leaving Joohyun's hands hovering in the air.

"Why are you suddenly saying that?"

Her head roared from all the possible answers she could think of.

"Is it because you feel bad for me? Are you pitying me?"

"No! I would never say that out of pity!"

Seulgi huffed in exasperation. "You said you can't figure out your feelings. And now you're suddenly saying you love me even though we haven't talked for a week after you said you couldn't do it."

"I really am telling the truth. And it's not sudden because I thought about it a lot."

"We're both girls, Joohyun." Seulgi quietly said. "Maybe it's fate that we met but maybe it's also fate we shouldn't be together."

The older frowned. "What are you talking about?"

"What if I wasn't the one who met you at the park? What if some guy showed up instead? hen maybe you would have fallen for him."

"What-"

"I'm just a coincidence in your life, Joohyun."

Seulgi's bitter tone hurt her. But she knew she deserved it.

"You don't know me, do you?"

Seulgi looked away to avoid Joohyun's eyes. She didn't want to hope anymore. She was tired of being rejected and hurt.

"Remember when we were at the library? I said our relationship was too miraculous to be coincidences."

Joohyun desperately tried to meet Seulgi's eyes.

"Maybe it was coincidence you found me talking to the statue. And I found you. And maybe that was fate."

She was afraid the younger girl might pull away but still she reached out to grasp her hand.

"But Seulgi. It was our choice to become friends. And I choose to skip my lessons to spend more time with you. And you choose to go to the same high school as me."

Looking back, all those little gestures were them falling in love.

"If you were just a coincidence in my life, I doubted we would have come this far.

To the point you fell in love with me and to the end I fell in love with you."

She reached out for the younger's other hand.

"All this relationship, our relationship, started because of fate but it's still here because of our choices. We exist because we choose to."

Seulgi still wasn't meeting her eyes. But the warmth of her hands were enough for Joohyun to continue.

"So why bother if we were really meant to be?"

She brought Seulgi's both hands to her heart, trying to make her believe in love again. And Seulgi finally looked at her.

"We are capable of making our own fate by choice."

Seulgi's eyes were still hollow and broken, but she saw a spark of hope wavering faintly.

The older girl managed a little smile.

"And guess what? I love my choices."

The grip of her hands tightened.

"I'm sorry for thinking this could be a mistake. I know I don't deserve you."

Seulgi wanted to say she didn't need to try so hard. Because everything was broken in her world.

And she didn't feel the need to fix it anymore.

However looking at Joohyun's face, she didn't have the heart to say those words.

"But I can't help but feel sure you'll never going to be the person I can let go and move on."

She thought she was too numb to feel anything, but her confession still lingered in her mind.

Her confession was like a page of a book she wanted to read over and over again.

Her head kept replaying those moments and she hated herself for feeling happiness when she wasn't supposed to.

She didn't understand why her heart was pounding so hard when she was supposed to be depressed.

Then Joongi's words echoed through her mind.

We all deserve to be happy.

She stood in front of the mirror in her room.

It took her a while to meet her eyes but she managed. 

She felt self-loathing boil inside her but forced herself to face her reflection.

She tried to recall all the memories of her middle school days.

And she tried to remember all the haunting events that had occured and.. them.

How they kept saying they were sick of being her friend.

She could hear their voice even until now, loud and clear.

'I really wish you for the best but I don't want to be your friend anymore. I was so exhausted from hearing your depressing stories and you ignoring my advice.'

At that time, she was too shocked to say anything back and ended up mumbling an apolgy even though she was the one who was crying.

But not anymore.

"What I really needed was understanding. Not your advice about what I should do." She argued back. "And you should have told me you were exhausted."

'I did!' The voice argued back. 'But you never listened.'

"Have you actually said you didn't want to listen about my depressing life? Have you ever considered telling me again before you decided to make yourself a victim?"

'I tried.'

"I said all those things to you because I trusted you. And I would have never done that if I knew you were hurting this much. And I'm sorry."

'I think you need to fix your flaws for yourself.'

Seulgi scoffed and shook her head, anger flowing out of her but this time, it was not self-loathing.

"No. I am sorry and I accept my faults but that doesn't mean you're right. Because you broke our relationship. That doesn't mean you can judge me and say I need to fix my flaws because that's who I am."

'Then no one will accept you. They'll end up leaving just like me. You'll be forever alone.'

"You're wrong." Seulgi said with a bitter smile. "Because everyone is alone in this world."

She took a deep breath. Being left alone was her biggest fear but once she accepted the fact no one could understand her better than herself, it didn't seem so scary anymore.

"And if there's no one who accepts me for who I am, I'll be happier alone."

She almost imagined herself as a fourteen year old girl, looking at her with doubts evident on her face.

"But guess what? I'm not alone."

She felt tears running down her cheek but she forced a smile.

"I have someone that I love who loves me back. I have friends I care about. I have a family I want to mend. And I'm not going to let you ruin any of them."

She lifted up her both middle fingers.

"So you."

.

Even for the last two days before summer vacation, Seulgi didn't have the courage to talk to Joohyun.

For the last time, the five friends gathered and she could tell by the atmosphere they already knew what happened.

"I'm going to my father's place during summer vacation." Seulgi quietly spoke up. "So I don't think I can hang out with you guys very often."

She could feel Joohyun's eyes boring onto her but instead, sent Joy an apologetic smile. 

"I know you've been planning for our summer vacation. I'm sorry."

"You can at least visit us once in a while, right?"

The bear hesitated for a moment and Joohyun could tell she was hiding something.

Before the others could notice, Seulgi smiled which was so fake to Joohyun. "Sure."

"You'd better call us." Yerim threatened. 'We'll have lots of fun without you to make you regret it."

"I'm sure you will."

"When are you going to leave?" Wendy asked because she knew Joohyun didn't have the guts to ask.

"Th