Sometimes… the most unexpected things happen at expected times.

I called it I knew it! times.

It might be odd pero admit it or not somethings were bound to happen, and you knew it but acted like you don’t.

Denial?

Stubborn?

Stupid?

Well… all of it were once cute. Ages ago… 

Long before I decided to break your heart for some convenience, I thought I could have.

“Ate… I’m wondering if you’re free the next night?”

Oh! A perfect example everyone…

I definitely knew what would happen next night. “Err… ewan?” and I knew what my cousin would say next. 

“oop, too bad. You need to be free that night.” 

I knew it!

My sabaw brain and back aches doesn’t really help sa mga shifts ko yet my sabaw brain knew that they are doing this to throw a surprise party. Maybe an expensive dinner if my cousin wasn’t involved.

It happens every year, so their so-called surprise birthday party doesn’t feel like surprise anymore.

Na susurprise din naman ako actually. Nasusurprise ako na naniniwala parin sila na nasusurprise talaga ako once I came home na nakapatay ang ilaw and they would all gather with cakes and stuff shouting HAPPY BIRTHDAY like preschoolers. 

And everything I did expect was there.

Mom’s sheepish grin maybe thinking ha! Got you again! Dad’s proud smile while making me blow the candles.

The relatives that seemed uninterested about my wish or even my age but just mentally listing the foods they could carry for take outs.

Everything…

But then nung nagdecide ako to took med at lumayo muna sa bahay… Everything change at every birthday sa loob ng halos apat na taon.

Those were the years with you.

“yeah yeah… I’ll try” I said to her disinterested.

This is my intern years and unexpectedly… naassign ako sa isang hospital sa Manila.

“Cool… see you when I see you” slurred niyang sabi. She’s at a club even a 1st grader could tell.

“Bae Sooyoung…” sabi ko nung ibababa na sana niya ang tawag. “Please don’t drive with that state.”

I expect her to say thank you or even to throw a joke saying hindi siya lasing but then she unexpectedly said,

“pick me up then.”

A pat on my back and tens of tired smiles habang nag-aayos ako pauwi. Nothing much to fix at kung pwede lang I would go home, plop to my bed and sleep with my scrubs… baka ginawa ko na.

I could imagine you doing that. 

I remember, once nung nag duduty ka pa lang as a student nurse and you were talking about your first experience sa hospital duty right after you open our dorm’s door and grinned to me like a toddler.

Sumisigaw ka pa ng “It’s a baby boy! Hyun it’s a baby boooy!”

I am so stressed up sa upcoming exam but then I listened to you whole heartedly habang kinukwento mo how nervous you were nung binigay sayo nung doctor yung baby, naisip mo pa na baka malalaglag mo yun sa kaba.

“it was so light and grabe yung iyak niya! Akala ko nga I was handling him wrong! Akala ko nasasaktan ko siya”

I knew how a baby would look like pagkalabas palang. Been there, done that. All blood and secretions. Probably not a sight since sometimes its covered in vernix caseosa which is kinda disgusting sa mga uhmm… normie?

But you called the baby beautiful… “ang cute cute niya hyun…” with your earnest smile that carries your fragile heart bouncing around, so I didn’t have the heart to laugh at you that time.
It was the moment you carried the newborn’s life at your anxious arms and wobbly knees before placing it sa ibabaw ng kanyang ina.

Sorry, hindi ko na napigilang matawa nung sinabi mong you placed the umbilical cord clamp 10 cm away sa baby because you felt guilty cutting “their connection”.

Buti nalang nakita ka ng CI mo and correct it for you.

Hindi ka naman binawasan or pinagalitan since she saw you tearing up unconsciously.

Even your watery smile says everything habang kinukwento mo lahat sa akin.

Paano ba?

Ah!

Ikinuha kita ng tubig kasi napansing kong namamaos ka na and pag balik ko…

You were fast asleep sa kama.

With your uniform on and dirty shoes.

“Ma’am...” I snapped out of it “278 pesos nga po lahat” she says with a tinge of annoyance and irritation. Gaano na ba ako katagal natulala sa harap niya?

I decided to stop by kasi sa mini mart to buy some stuff.

Ramyun, some chips, biscuits and other unhealthy stuff. 

Kami ‘tong mga advice ng advice to improve one’s health by living a healthy lifestyle pero kami ‘tong walang oras kumain, matulog o kahit magpahinga lang saglit.

I laid my back sa mattress and I could feel all the pops and cracks ng likod ko.

“ako din after mo” you always say this sa tuwing magiinitiate ka na masahiin ang likod ko.

Untying all the strained knots. 

Easing the tensed muscles.

I felt sleepy with your touch… para bang inaalis mo yung effect ng limang tasa ng kape sa katawan ko sa buong maghapon everytime..

Never knew I was this tired…but you were my only rest.

“I wanna sleep Seul” I would say this with my eyes closed and in a small voice which would earn a cute, disappointed sound from you.

Yet you would whisper words like “pahinga ka na… dito lang ako”

“Pahinga ka na” I whispered to the hollow space, ricocheting through every corners of the cold walls. 

I am alone now…

Holding on at the loose knots that keeping my shattered heart at still.

Letting the pain seeps in as another exhausting day end.

I am not sleepy right now.

I knew I was this tired… but I am now restless.

A soft voice would say “pahinga ka na” for a second I thought it was you… but then wala ka na dito.

Boses ko lang pala.

I heard my phone rings, but I ignored it instead as I turned to my left…

Iniwan ko palang nakabukas ang pinto sa balcony.

The cold air sings as it fills the empty sides of my bed that was once occupied by you.

I bet you already forgot our first picnic.

Dahan-dahan akong nangiti sa rumaragasang bugso ng mga alaala that flashed at the back of my eyelids.

I shut my eyes tightly. Trying my best to erase all of it.

“saglit lang ‘to” natatawa mong sabi habang hinihila mo ako sa ating maliit na balcony. Wala na yung mga nilabhan ko last night. All I saw there was your favorite bear blanket na nakalatag sa makipot na sahig. Pancakes, peeled fruits and yung lunch na pinadeliver natin since finals ko na bukas and practical exam naman ang sa inyo at wala tayong oras na magluto.

Ni hindi ka pa nga ata naliligo.

“Seul… we need to study” I protested pero patuloy na nagpapadala sa paghila mo.

You pulled me to sit nang mauna kang maupo but then I felt your soft lips sa aking noo “Happy 26th Birthday.” Binati mo lang naman ako…

Humalik rin sa noo ko.

“30 minutes…” pakiusap mo.

Pero alam kong handa akong bitawan lahat para sa mga sandalling gaya nito.

We were still not a thing back then kaya hindi ko alam kung saan mo napulot ang lakas ng loob para humalik.

“my gift” we were nothing but friends… roommate… back then but I always felt giddy and lightheaded like a damn school age girl again hanging out with her crush.

We were still not a thing back then kaya hindi ko alam kung saan ko napulot ang lakas ng loob para humalik sa pisngi mo as I said my timid and breathless “thank you.”

I buried my face deep sa mattress to let it wipe the tears I held captive inside.

Wala pang isang buwan nung huli kitang nakita.

Nung huli tayong nagkausap.

Nang sabihin mong 

“masaya na ako…

Matagal na kitang pinatawad…

Tapos na tayo…

‘wag na nating gawin ‘to…

Ibigay mo na sa akin ‘to oh…

‘wag ka na bumalik para sirain ulit ako”

But it’s the “I loved you too” that still kills me, breaking my warped heart over and over again.

Still piercin