Just when I thought my life is about to end...

You came. 

All I want is a beautiful end instead of living a life controlled by many.

Hehe dito na me

Waitin' for u babe!

I learned about love secondhand and I'm not interested anyways. I'm too busy pleasing other people in exchange of their love. 

I was raised to be obedient who follow rules strictly. I am responsible of my decisions at pinangangatawan ko lahat ng desisyon ko. I am everything other people wanted to be. 

Then I met you. 

You still remember how we first met? You saw me studying for my incoming exam. Stressed and frustrated. I am about to loose myself that day dahil yung last kong long quiz ay 86/100.

You listened... All ears.

We totally understand each other. For the first time, I met someone who's actually listening not just hearing. You're not that talkative... You are super understanding and kind. I like you from the start. 

Then we became friends until you confessed that you love me.

I blushed at the thought.

"buti naman dumating kang bruha ka"

"tinapos ko lahat ng task ko para lang dito so I deserve some nice treatment" I chuckled.

"dun ka manghingi sa cutie na nagconfess sayo"

Your confession is still brand new in my mind kahit pa nga it happened 2 weeks ago. Syempre, boto sayo sila mommy. My daddy even loves you. You brought happiness in my life. You love me because I am perfect in your eyes. You love me for my dreams and skills that I've got. You love me...

"oh Bakit natulala ka dyan? Di mo type yung nagconfess sayo lately?"

I timidly smile... I miss you.

A lot.

I try to change the topic with "Saan mo nga nakilala ulit yan?"

"Si Byul? You wont believe our story!"

How you smile when I am trying hard to be funny. How gentle your touch while telling me how pretty I am. How you gave me a bouquet of roses with trembling hands.

You really look cute when nervous. Biting your nails.

"what are those signs again?"

"sabi ko, I prayed sa church na whoever's wearing red shoes who'll say Hi and will notice my favorite bag"

I am laughing so hard. So hard that I even thought it's my first time laughing like this. 

"hoy... Baket? Nag joke ba ako? Maka tawa ka jan"

"Sol... snatcher hanap mo not your so called 'soulmate' why are you being like this?" I can feel the itch in my throat from too much laughing so I take a sip sa red tea.

I am grateful to have you. 

I really do.

I'm just new to these feelings. There are things stopping me to jump right away.

Maybe it's the way I was raised.

Maybe...

Nevermind.

But I'm certain and more than willing to try.

"Snat- Wait until you see her. Lulunukin mo yang sinabi mo!"

Muntik ko na maibuga yung iniinom ko.

"wait"

"..."

"her?"

My room is filled wih text books and books. Another books and some books. In short, mas mukha pang library ang kwarto ko sa bahay. Kahit saan ako tumingin, kahit saan ako lumingon, I can see books and I swear to God malapit na akong bangungutin about them.

My parents told me na I should treat books as my friend but then I realized, books are like my parents. Kung anong nakasulat, yun na yun. Final.

Siguro that explains why... I like pen. You can write words, sentences, paragraph... story.

You can write things whenever you want to start.

You can lift it up anytime to stop.

There's no such thing called end unless you wanted to. Unless you're contented to.

You are in control

You can do everything you want.

Not like me.

Not my life.

Hindi ako mahilig gumala and I'm also not into gadgets kaya on my breaks or free days nasa bahay ako doing...

Nothing.

"Iha... No plans today?" Sabi ni Mommy habang naka silip sa pintuan.

"I'll just get rest... And pack some things for the next semester next week"

She nodded as if she doesn't even care.

Rest...

What a joke.

I grabbed my pen and write something sa isang papel.

Pens.

Pen means freedom to me.

Naisip ko, Solar asked for signs na sobrang plain... Parang ang ordinary nung mga signs like what if... May tatlo na naka red shoes? What if the priest greeted her Hi? What if a married woman noticed her bag.

Lahat ng likes and things she love.

It wouldn't hurt if I try.

It's just a petty signs. I'm not even religious.

Purple

Mint

Pens

Confetti- Tori Kelly

I scoffed at myself. These are all the things I like. Even you, can show me these things and I'l definitely consider you as my soulmate. 

I want to make it harder...

I want fate to make effort. 

I wont give an easy game.

I'll play hard to get.

Pink

Chocolate

Books

/Explicit song

Worse possible meeting. Not romantic one.

I smiled at my foolishness before saying "Bring it on fate! Give me now my "soulmate" go!" 

Sarcastic laughs escaped my throat. 

"Send me the person I'll be with for the rest of my life. Tell me kung sino yung taong yun!"

then I silently heave a sigh. "Of course you can't" umismid ako, crumpling the paper with scribbled words "...you're not even true"

I shook my head and chuckled to myself. Right... Fate doesn't even exist.

My phone rings...

"Hello?"

I did it again! I hate myself.

Nakatulog nanaman ako while reviewing and hindi ko nasama sa review ko yung previous lesson. I called you about it at tumawa ka lang. You told me it's okay and everything will be fine. Na I can do it kasi matalino naman ako. Kasi kaya ko.

My classmate chatted me while I was on the way na wala yung first subject and I curse and thank the universe at the same time.

Pumara ako sa taxi thinking I should go back home nalang to finish my review pero napadaan ako sa isang cafe, kaya to save time, dito nalang ako mag-aaral.

I arrange my things one by one sa table. I order tea to help my body relax. Three textbook and two notebooks saka ko inilabas  ang pencil case ko and some sticky note pad.

This pink sticky note pad my mom gave me 3 months ago made me smile.

I hate pink.

They didn't even know my favorite color.

A tall beautiful lady places my order sa table. She's glowing with positivity and happiness. I envy her.

30 minutes passed and I feel my eyes threatening to close. 4:30 am na yung huling tingin ko sa orasan and nagising ako ng alarm ko around 6 am. I didn't sleep all night last night since deadline na ng project sa isa pang subject.

I called her again for my another cup. I can do this. My eyes... Please, makisama ka naman.

Their playlist isn't helping... It's annoying me.

Ugh!

I called her attention again while she's silently singing with the y music.

"Miss pwede, pakihinaan nung radio?"

She just smile so wide and bumalik. Her face suddenly darkens nung may makasabay siya papasok sa counter. Pinagalitan niya pa ito. Habang umiinom ako ng tea I whispered to myself "that was quick...". Nangiti ako.

My smile fades nung makita ko na may dalawang lalaki eyeing me like I am a piece of cake in front of them. I don't care about them anyways so I lazily gathered my hair for a ponytail and put on my glasses encouraging myself to focus.

I'm sure this case is Sinus Arrhythmia. Pero it's too tricky. I read again the case... And again. What could it be?

Kahit mahina, naririnig ko parin yung song. Earned It... I rolled my eyes.

I hummed my favorite song instead para bawas distraction.