NAEUN POV

On the one day I am supposed to wear black, I wear white.

People that I kind-of know gape at Me because how I love wearing black but not today.

When I walked into the funeral home silently.

I sat in the back, and is last in line when They all go up to see Her.

I didn't cry.

I spot Hayoungie wearing a black dress and purple cardigan, Her hair in a loose bun; She's constantly dabbing at Her eyes while the rest of My members—especially Chorong Unnie—sits there, looking at the wall, the flower pot beside Her coffin—anywhere but at Her.

We're All uncomfortable, unsure of what to do. Chorong Unnie's looking through Her phone, Bomi Unnie's leg won't stop shaking, and Namjoo's sitting in Her chair, staring blankly at the wall.

I snorted, and goes back to My seat, silent as ever.

---

I glared at the people who glance at Me and ignore the people that want to talk to Me.

I'm so surprised when Hayoungie has the guts to confront Me. 

She gives Me a timid smile and a small wave; I looked right through Her.

"Hey, Naeun Unnie…" She greeted softly.

But I didn't reply. Hayoungie sits down next to Me, She places Her hand on top of My hand.

I  in a sharp breath through My nose and snatches My hand back.

I muttered. "What do you want, Hayoungie?"

Hayoungie rolls around the bland mint from the dish in  and gulps, nearly choking on the candy.

She clears  and tries Her best to smile.

"I just wanted to see if you're okay Naeun Unnie." She replied with sincerity in Her eyes.

"I'm fine Hayoungie. You can leave now." I said without looking at Her.

But Hayoungie didn't leave instead She stays by My side throughout the whole ceremony and burial.

She commented on the dress I am wearing and pushes a lock of hair behind My ear.

I tried to fight back a broken smile. I won't admit that I am touched.

---
Our comeback starts in a week, and Chorong Unnie suggested that We all should go to the beach, to relax before Our hectic schedule.

I sighs in My own doorway, fidgeting. (It's okay to be
sad in front of Chorong Unnie.)

"I… I don't know Chorong Unnie." I told Her sadly.

Chorong Unnie bites Her lip and looks at Me with concernedly in Her eyes.

"Naeun ah, c'mon… it'll be good for you." She tries to persuade Me.

I whispered to Her. "She's dead, Chorong Unnie…"

Chorong Unnie gives out a soft response and nodded Her head. "I know Naeun ah."

She quickly hugs Me, and then kisses Me on the cheek in some Motherly, friendly, Chorong-sort-of-way.

Chorong Unnie walks down the stairs and wipe Her eyes, then gets in Her car and drives off.

I nodded, a little too late, and says breathlessly:
"Me too Unnie."

---
It's the day before Our comeback,but I can't sleep in My bed.

It's all Her. The rough, stitched, white, letter's on My black pillow that spells My name (Eunji Unnie made it on Our Eleventh comeback.), or how My whole comforter smells like Her cologne, or maybe it's one of Her infamous plaid flannels, sticking out of My dresser in the second drawer.

Whatever it is, it's driving Me insane.

I teared off My comforter, pulls the flannel and pillow, and plops down on the carpet,  with My rusty scissor in hand.

I cut and tear it all up. The flannel, the pillow; then My sobs wrack My body as I cried harder, finally letting the dam break.

I holds My breath but then fights for air. It all smells so much like Her,

I can't stand it. In an hour the deed is done. The pillow is now just black fabric and white strings, the flannel is strips of blue plaid and buttons.

I take a strip of the shirt and ties it in a circle, then slipped it over My hand and on to My wrist.

I then gathered up all of the ruined gifts and hug it tightly to My chest, now regretting My decision.

I glared at the grey carpet and bites My cheek, standing up and heading towards the window.

I tear it open and throws everything out, the wind carrying it all.

I looks at the fabric, memories of Her, dancing through the air within a city for an audience.

I looked down at My bracelet and smiles.

I closed the window and heads back to My bed, shuffling into the covers.

I shivered and takes in a deep breath of the smell.

I sleeps peacefully, dreaming of plaid flannel shirts and Guestings and bracelets and Her.

I know She'll never leave Me completely. I'm not all
that bothered.

---
I woke up in the morning, the light pouring in the window, My alarm clock blearing. The sheets are sticky and I forget it all.

I reached over for a non-existent hand to hold, simultaneously moving for an alarm clock that's on the other side of the bed.

I frowned when They're both not there and opened My eyes.

The ceiling is brown, not white.

I bite My cheek and screams, punching the bed.

I throw the alarm clock on the floor and pulls on whatever I can find; a black hoodie and faded jeans, My famous white addidas shoes are on My feet and I pull My hair into a messy, low, bun.

I grab My sling bag, and put it over My shoulder, and walks down the stairs.

There's a note on the island, probably from My parents. But I didn't even bother to read it.

--
I walked out of My home, surprised to see a white benz instead of Chorong Unnie's black maserati.

I glared at the driver,  but Hayoungie only smiles at Me and gestures for Me to come in.

I scowled.

"Morning, Naeun Unnie." She greeted with a smile.

"Where's Chorong Unnie?" I ask flatly.

"She's at PlayM building." She replied curtly.

I bite My lip. "Why are you here Hayoungie?"

"To pick you up…?" She said unsurely.

"Why?" I inquired.

Hayoungie gulped and looks down at the steering wheel, Her face growing red; She digs Her nails into Her palm and mutters through clenched teeth: "Just get in the car, Naeun Unnie."

---
Nobody even dares to talk to Me at Our company. I kept My head down, constantly picking at My nails, a bad (nervous) habit.

I didn't look at Her transparent locker and tries not to long for Her arm slung around My shoulder during Our Practice.

I tried to be numb.

Numb, numb, numb.

I thinks its working. 

But I knew I am wrong.

---
I am sitting Here in Our dressing room with Chorong Unnie by My side, eating Her famous, homemade brownies; Bomi Unnie is playing with Her fruit, hesitantly looking up at Us before looking back down to Her pineapple.

Namjoo is smiling and giggling with Her phone out, texting someone. And Hayoungie is on the other side of Me, looking at Me again and again concernedly just like Chorong Unnie.

I rolled My tongue across My teeth and groans. Internally, of course.

I won't even dare to break the tension. The Pd-nim knock on the door and called Us.

We silently gets up and walks Our way. Chorong Unnie stays with Me. Hayoungie stays with Chorong Unnie.

I glared at the floor, silently, My head down like usual.

I didn't even realize that it's a routine.

---
I wasn't eating.

The fact is quickly spread around throughout Our company.

Other Trainees notice during Practice, in the locker room.

My members quickly realizes that I didn't even bother buying lunch anymore.

Chorong Unnie worriedly tries to make Me eat, bringing in My favorite food.

I politely turns them down.

I looks up from My plaid bracelet and murmurs. "No,  thank you Unnie."

Chorong Unnie's mouth, along with everyone else's, hangs open.

I scans My members quickly, before tucking a stray hair behind My ear and turning back to My phone.

Chorong Unnie sets the plate down, not-so-gently.

The clank of plastic against the table seems to
ring throughout the whole world; louder than the chattering Trainees, or the honking horns.

Chorong Unnie crosses Her arms. "What?"

I looked up from My phone and gave Unnie a timid smile.