WARNING: SELF-HARM!     Sunday ends with a blast. 5 Pieces have finished a short but hectic promotion schedule of [Pillow Fight] and they wrap it all up with a party. All the dancers, the stylists and managers are invited for the party. They have it at a restaurant, to eat themselves full and drink until they can’t stand up. Hannah drinks a little soju, about two bottles, but she then takes water. She doesn’t get drunk, but she is having a blast laughing with the others. They are joking around and playing games, loudly singing along and clapping hands to the games and screaming when someone have to drink. Maybe they all get a bit too wild, because they get up dancing and almost turns a table over, they fall onto each other and they are constantly being loud. According to one of the dancers, it is 5 Pieces’ influence that hits them. Since the ladies always are loud. Hannah comes home late. She is met in the hall by Tiger, who came running when hearing the door and starts against Hannah’s leg. Hannah picks the cat up in her arms and quietly goes inside. It’s dark in the apartment. She drinks some water before going inside the bedroom, sneaking inside the bathroom to wash up. Coming back out, Tiger has already lied down on the bed, on Hannah’s pillow. As quietly as possible to not wake up the man on the other side of the bed, she moves the cat and lies down under the cover. She lies on the side to set her phone on quiet and make sure the alarm is set. Before putting away her phone, she feels him move behind her. without putting his arm around her, he just leans against her back. “You’re awake?” Hannah whispers. “Mm.” She carefully rolls around to face him in the dark bedroom, her fingers go up to his face to search for his lips. “Did you cry?” she whispers, surprised to feel his face is damp. Though it could just mean he washed his face before going to bed, crying is her first thought. “Mm,” is all he mumbles in response. Her expression changes and she caress his cheek, not going in for a kiss as she had thought of doing first. “Do you want to talk about it?” “Are you drunk?” Jonghyun asks. He wants to change the topic, she thinks. “No… I didn’t drink much. Oppa, what is it? Hm?” He sniffles and puts his hand on top of hers to kiss her wrist. She waits for him to say something, though she won’t force him if he doesn’t want to say anything. Her eyes are adjusting to the dark, letting her see he is in front of her like a silhouette, but she can’t see clearly. She can’t tell if his eyes are open or not. Her thumb caresses his cheek, wondering if this comforts him a little. He is crying. She doesn’t know if it is the way he sniffles from getting a runny nose that lets her know or if it’s just the change in his breathing, but she knows he is crying. Hannah gives out a low hush and moves closer to get a bit higher up, placing her lips against his forehead. Jonghyun moves his arm around her to hug her tightly, crying against her. Her hand goes into his hair, then down his back to slowly caress him. Hearing him cry makes her eyes fill up in tears too, though she tries to hold it back to focus on comforting him. She his hair and lets him cry for as long as he need. It’s not light tears, not the pretty tears that he showed at the concert when they performed together the second day. These tears are the kind that makes it impossible to utter a word, which she knows when he tries to say something but chokes on the tears instead and he moves his hand to hold it behind her shoulder. He cries a lot. “Nabi,” he eventually cries out, and Hannah tilts her head back to do a better job at keeping her tears in. She makes an ugly grimace from fighting her own emotions. “I love you.” I love you. She shuts her eyes as he says those words again. “I love you too,” she whispers and swallows, hoping he can’t hear in his own cries that she is starting to cry as well. “I really love you,” Jonghyun cries. She swallows again, taking a deep breath when parting her lips. “You say it as if I’m going somewhere,” she whispers. She adds; “I’m not going anywhere. You’re going to be stuck with me for the rest of your life, you know.” For some reason, it feels like her words makes him cry more. Not louder, just more tears. “I’m just going to Japan for a few days,” Hannah continues, not sure what else to say, wanting to say something. “Okay? We’ll go to Taeyeon’s Christmas concert as planned and celebrate Christmas together.” She is going to Sweden after Christmas though, but she doesn’t add that. “If you miss me too much, you can always call,” Hannah whispers, caressing his head. “I’ll call you too.” Then it gets quiet. She listens while his crying eventually softens up and even when it seems he has stopped crying, she continues to caress his head. She waits a few more minutes. “Should we make dinner together tomorrow?” Hannah whispers. She moves her head to put her lips on his temple. “What do you say?” “You’ll be at home tomorrow?” Jonghyun mumbles and turns his head a bit. Hannah lifts her head from his as he wipes his tears with the cover. “I’ll be late,” she answers, caressing his hair again. “Probably 8 or 9, is that okay? You said you’ll be home, right?” “Mm… I’ll be home early tomorrow.” He sounds distant when talking to her, probably because he has been crying. Hannah takes her fingers through his hair, feeling a bit distant too. “Do you want to have dinner with me tomorrow?” she wonders. “Mm.” “You don’t have to if you-” “We’ll have dinner together tomorrow,” Jonghyun interrupts her. He lifts his head and places a wet kiss on her cheek. “Let’s get some sleep.” She wants to ask if he is feeling better, but she thinks she knows the answer to the question already. He doesn’t feel better, she thinks, but maybe he temporarily has gotten the comfort he wanted. He has stopped crying, but he won’t tell her why he cried. Falling asleep is difficult. They both lie in silence for a long, long time. Her heart is shaking, wanting to know what is going through his mind.   ++ - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + -+ - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + -+ - + - ++   Though he seemed broken at night, when morning come it seems Jonghyun is feeling better. Hannah goes around hugging him or planting kisses on his shoulder when passing him as they both get ready to leave around the same time. They talk about what to have for dinner and Jonghyun says he will prepare it, so Hannah just have to let him know when she is leaving the agency. Hannah is busy during the day. She texts him a few times to ask if he has eaten, how it’s going and letting him know the ladies are preparing for their week in Sweden over New Years. Going through their schedule, what songs to perform and what more. 10 days in Sweden, to be working on different projects and promote [Pillow Fight] internationally, and also to get a few days off. They plan everything. Where they will be on their days off, how they will travel, they discuss interviews, go through materials and a lot more. It’s already afternoon when they are in the practice-room. Hannah is in sweatpants and a t-shirt, her bag and jacket in the back. Their dancers are there as well, Manager Lim and Manager Lee are both there but they keep going in and out of the room. There is a holiday mood among them; Christmas will be in a week and everyone are excited after planning the New Years and their own time off. The dancers are coming to Sweden as well, and they are thrilled to spend their holiday playing around in 5 Pieces’ country. They are even practicing common phrases, though most of them quit practicing when Carolina gets into her teaching-mood and gets extremely serious about having them pronounce the words correctly. Hannah, on the other hand, sits on the side with Minah and lets her get through as long as it is understandable what she is saying. Their break is interrupted by Haneul who decides they should get back to practice. As the leader of Danger Squad, he often takes control, especially when noticing no one else is saying they should take a break or keep going. With his deep voice telling them to practice, everyone leaves their seats to get back in position.   Continuing their practice, they only take a break once Maria waves her hands in the air to say they shouldn’t do it again. She needs to breathe, to step outside to get some fresh air. They take another break. Some talk about what to eat later, Carolina and Emelia are planning to do an Instagram live tomorrow when they are in Japan and they are getting ideas from a few of the dancers of what they can do. Maria and Julia did one in the weekend, sitting down to interact with fans and be all mysterious when being asked about their next comeback and what they are preparing. Hannah is sitting on the floor with them too, stretching her legs while listening to their conversation. Like a weird person, Julia is setting up a camera in the corner. She asked everyone for permission and promised as a joke with one of the dancers to blur him out. She is going to film a bit of their practice for a YouTube video. She finishes setting it up and starts filming while still changing the direction slightly. “Do I look handsome?” Shiwon asks and comes up behind Julia. He bends down and gives the camera a V-sign. “Yeah, the most handsome.” Julia scoffs, just to lie down with a laugh when he pretends to kick her for making fun of him. “Woa, you dare kick a lady?” Inyoul jokes over from the wall, laughing happily for joining them. “Hyung, if Julia shows this video you’ll be hated worldwide.” “As if,” Shiwon mumbles and squats down to wrap an arm around Julia, pulling her up to hug on to her in front of the camera. It looks forced from them; Shiwon trying to look loving and Julia pretends to hate it while she in fact is laughing. “Puzzle knows there is only love between 5P and DS.” Hannah is sitting with her back facing them, but she still smiles at their conversation. It will be fun going to Sweden together, to be all over the place as they always are. To eat Swedish food that is bland compared to the spicy Korean food and to eat Swedish candy, to get the fresh air and play with friends. It will be good memories they make. Hannah has decided to not go to their hometown like the other ladies, to instead stay in the capital with a few of the dancers to spend their free days like simple friends. “Hannah!” Minhae loudly says over by the wall, interrupting a few conversations that simply goes on when knowing it’s just Hannah she calls for. Minhae is waving her hand to get noticed. “Your phone’s been vibrating for a while.” She hurries up on her feet and lightly jogs over, thanking the female dancer for letting her know. Hannah searches through her pocket before picking up her phone, seeing it is Sodam (Jonghyun’s sister) who is calling. “Hello?” Hannah answers and covers her other ear to hear her in the chatty practice-room. “Hannah, can you contact my brother?” The voice on the line sounds worried and shaky, making Hannah frowns. “Why? What happened?” “He- he sent me this worrisome text and now he won’t pick up. Have you heard anything? Have you talked to him?” Jonghyun’s voice desperately saying ‘I love you so much’ between his cries from last night is repeated in Hannah’s head and without a word she hangs up, suddenly feeling the panic. Maybe it is Sodam’s voice that makes her scared, or a mix of that with how Jonghyun has been behaving. But at the same time, he wouldn’t do something. Hannah fumbles with her phone, seeing Sodam has tried to call her once already, and Jonghyun has written a text to her. ‘I will always love you. And thank you for loving me’. She gives out a gasp, a tear rolling down her cheek from the shock of her own thoughts that are racing through her mind, terrified when thinking the worst and she puts her phone to her ear when dialling him. Answer, Hannah demands from the phone, please pick up. “Hannah?” Minhae asks. The dancer frowns when seeing Hannah’s face and gets up on her feet to touch Hannah’s arm. “What’s wrong?” “He’s not picking up,” Hannah quickly whispers and forces herself to swallow when searching her phone to make another call. Her hands are shaking and she isn’t sure if she is standing still or pacing, even though Minhae is holding on to her arm. The dancer glances around, seeing Manager Lee come inside the room and how a few dancers by the wall asks if something has happened, after hearing Minhae’s words and seeing Hannah’s face. “Oppa,” Minhae says when spotting the manager who just came in. She waves her hand for him to come over. Emelia is suddenly on Hannah’s other side, trying to get eye-contact. “Ya, what’s up?” Emelia asks. “Oppa,” Hannah says when someone answers her call, her voice is shaky and she covers her eyes behind her hand, “Where is Jonghyun? Is he with you? … No?” She hangs up without another word. The room is still loud since not many are reacting to the drama in the back. Hannah reaches for her jacket, dropping her phone when getting her bag too. “Hannah, stop, where are you going?” Manager Lee asks, blocking her path after she picks up the phone. She shakes her hand and head, distantly looking at nothing and muttering something. Emelia looks scared, trying to take her phone to see who she has talked to. To see Hannah panicking and shaking is scaring them. “What?” Manager Lee asks again, not having a clue of what she just said. Panic. She needs to go. “I need…” Hannah gets out, suddenly feeling out of breath from not breathing correctly. She feels faint. What if is echoing through her mind. Hannah starts shaking her hand like crazy, wanting Manager Lee to step aside. He just as