Hannah’s Instagram was updated when [Just Like Fire] was released before the weekend, telling her followers to watch the music video. Before that update and also after, fans keep requesting for selfies and for her to keep posting things. None of the ladies updates their SNS pages often but fans are always asking for more photos and what they are up to and so on. Since Hannah hasn’t been feeling well lately, she has been very quiet. But with Jonghyun posting that picture of her sleeping, fans are even asking him to tell Hannah that her Instagram needs more updates.

Ending their week by going to Taeyeon’s concert, Hannah shared a picture on Instagram from the concert and decided to update at least once a day. She wants to connect with fans again after all these bad rumours and comments and just to start over, to prepare herself for the Musketeers comeback. And since Manager Lim managed to call her over the weekend, hearing his voice and speaking clearly compared to how he had talked on Friday, it was really nice to hear.

While being on set on Monday, she takes a selfie wearing a jacket over her filming outfit. Her hair looks great, which is why she takes the picture. Long, dark and wavy, and her makeup is good too. It is a simple selfie that she shares on Instagram, not writing that she is on set or what she is up to.

A few hours later she heads to the agency. An urgent meeting, apparently. She has no idea what it is about and is scared that yesterday’s rushed jacket shoot for the Musketeers comeback has to be re-done. Arriving in the meeting room with a nervous face-expression, Hannah sees that it is just a few people from the promotions team. Her stylists come in too, just as nervous as Hannah because they haven’t been warned or informed the way Manager Lee has been.

“Take a look at this,” one of the women from the promotion team says and glides over a tablet for Hannah to see. Chae Hwan leans towards Hannah to see it too. It is comments collected on the tablet, though Hannah doesn’t know where the comments come from – if it is from YouTube or Twitter or someplace else.

“Comments,” Hannah says, glancing at the woman.

“These are just a few of the comments about [Just Like Fire]. The song is played everywhere, all the time, and it is the top of all the music charts in Korea.”

Manager Lee leans back, secretly watching Hannah’s reaction as he is sitting on her right side. Her worry about the Musketeers is suddenly vanished and she can feel herself start to panic. To start the week in a good mood is already taking a turn.

“There has been broadcasting stations calling us all weekend; music programs, concerts, radio, interviews… This is the best reaction to a SMSTATION song since Taeyeon released [Rain] at the start of last year,” they continue to say. Hannah gives Manager Lee a glance, guessing where this is going.

“I agreed on doing this song because you said there won’t be any promotions,” Hannah points out.

“We know, we know. We have gone through your schedule countless of times because of all these requests but we’ve had SBS and KBS calling in, saying the song might be up for first place on the weekly music programs and since the song is stuck on first place on the online charts… And reading all these comments. A little promotion seems like a good idea.”

“And you keep saying you want to reach out to fans,” Manager Lee adds.

He has prepared to say that. He was glad earlier when Hannah said she wants to connect more with fans to warm up before the Musketeers comeback, because that means she has a reason to promote this song. Hannah grimaces though.

“We have the Cultwo Show waiting for a response because they want you to do their radio on Thursday,” the woman says and looks at Manager Lee for him to double check the schedule. Hannah takes a deep breath hearing them talk. She has lost her expression thinking about Cultwo Show. It is a viewable radio program with about twenty fans sitting in the room. She knows she is quiet for several minutes while they talk back and forth, and then she just turns to frown at Manager Lee who just said they can do the show on Thursday.

“Is it a live performance?” she asks, slightly freaking out.

“Of course it will be a live performance,” the woman says. “You’ll perform [Just Like Fire] and it would be great if you could sing another song too, which is all up to you which song you want to do; one of your solo songs, a cover or whatever. But two songs would be good.”

Hannah pushes her chair away from the table, as if sitting too close to the table made it hard to breathe. The others don’t notice it; they just keep talking about what more schedules they can add for the promotion while all Hannah is thinking about is that she is going to sing in three days. She can’t sing.

Completely drained on life, Hannah takes out her phone to text Jonghyun, telling him that she is being scheduled to perform [Just Like Fire] live on Thursday. He doesn’t answer within a few minutes so Hannah, who is still panicking, turns to 5 Pieces’ chat to start explaining her situation to them but then deletes the words she is writing because she hasn’t talked about this to anyone else than Jonghyun. She shakes her head when it is time to talk outfits, what she will wear for the promotions; she has no ideas.

An hour later she is lying flat in the practice-room. It was one empty that they booked before the meeting ended, and Hannah is now supposed to be practicing for Thursday. She is supposed to sing [Just Like Fire]. It was a hard song to record and she has not once sung it after that.

“What are you doing?”

Hannah turns her head to look out behind her arm, lying on her stomach on the floor. “Mourning,” she answers and hides her face again after seeing who it is.

“Isn’t your throat better than last week?” Jonghyun asks, coming over to sit next to her.

“Mm. But I can’t sing.”

He rubs his hands on her back, first roughly so Hannah groans against the floor but then softer until he leans down to kiss her shoulder. “Then it will be difficult on Thursday,” he points out.

“That’s why I’m mourning…” Hannah mumbles.

“Isn’t it at this time when you’re struggling that you’re supposed to call a vocal coach for help?” Jonghyun wonders. The seconds passes without Hannah answering, letting him know she knows she should call someone for help but since she hasn’t told anyone else than Jonghyun that she can’t sing, it is not an easy task. He waits another minute before slapping her . “Get up. I’m going to be your coach.”

He grabs her arm to pull her up on her feet, taking her phone to the side and putting it on silent for her to not be distracted.

“Don’t you have practice?” Hannah wonders.

“That’s done already,” Jonghyun says and steps up in front of her with a smile. “I’ve got all night with you, Nabi.”

He laughs when she leans her head back tiredly, grabbing her arms to start shaking her. Warming up is his first step, Jonghyun says, first her body and then her voice. She has to imitate the vocal practices he does, and he keeps holding on to her wrists through the warming up. It makes her laugh imitating him because it feels like back in 2008 and 2009 when SHINee and 5 Pieces were spending a lot of time together, practicing and rehearsing and just teaching each other to handle the life on stage.

Jonghyun has surprisingly a lot of patience with Hannah tonight, warming up their voices for a long time because it doesn’t go well for her. He shakes her arms more times because she isn’t much for relaxing besides from when she goes ‘let’s give up’ or ‘let’s go home’ and just tries to sit down on the floor.

“Why can’t you sing this song?” Jonghyun wonders after they have been trying for an hour. He has picked up his phone, connecting it to the stereo and finding [Just Like Fire] online to play.

“It’s a hard song.”

“Can you sing a simple song then??” he asks, looking over at Hannah.

“No.”

“Because…?”

Hannah sighs, she is lying on the floor again but this time on her back. “It’s not fun anymore,” she answers, pouting at Jonghyun. “It feels like… it’s like I have to force it. When we had practice on Saturday, Taemin pointed out that I am so quiet lately.”

“You had a sore throat on Saturday,” Jonghyun remembers. Though Ana was in Ireland for work on Saturday, the other three members of the Musketeers met up to learn the choreography for their comeback track. Hannah will keep practicing in the weekend when she doesn’t have filming for the movie.

“Usually, even when I’m sick, I still want to sing. I can’t help it when I hear music, you know that feeling?”

“Mm,” Jonghyun nods, coming over to sit next to her.

“But I don’t have that,” she explains. “It’s really weird and scaring not wanting to sing.”

“I’ve known you for nine years, Hannah, and not once have you not wanted to sing, so where does this come from?”

“I don’t know.”

Jonghyun puts his hand over for a second, not sure if he should laugh or cry for her. “Don’t say ‘I don’t know’, you keep saying that without thinking it through.”

She frowns but thinks of where it comes from. Why can’t she find the usual joy in singing?

But in the end, they leave without having her figured it out. Jonghyun tried playing playful songs, his own songs, other songs he knows she likes, even 5 Pieces’ songs; but he was the one jumping around singing and Hannah just laughed at him. She didn’t sing with him. Even when they have gone to bed does he think about it because he asks if she is calling the vocal coach in the morning. Hannah says she will call the coach, but when morning comes it is not that easy.

Instead of calling a coach in the morning, Hannah writes to Maria on the chat in the afternoon when she has a long break on set. It is just to Maria, simply asking what she is doing. Since Sweden is around seven hours behind, Hannah didn’t want to write to Maria in the morning in case Maria was asleep.

It takes two hours before Maria answers on the chat. The first thing Maria writes is ‘sdfkjsaibdknlaslfmsd’, followed with ‘I completely missed that you have written to me, what’s up baby, I am heading to the mall to read books with my sister and her friends, are you filming today too? What you doing?’ Maria usually seems energetic when writing, because she writes so strangely, according to Hannah. It makes her smile. They haven’t talked for weeks other than the few times Maria has joined the conversations on 5 Pieces’ group chat. Hannah writes back that she is busy filming these days and she hesitates before asking how Maria is doing.

Instead of writing back to that question, Maria gives Hannah a call. It is the time when Hannah is filming so she calls back afterwards. At that time Hannah is in the van, waiting to leave as she is done for the day.

For Hannah who has felt distant to the two ladies in Sweden, hearing Maria’s voice after almost six weeks makes her tear up. Hannah doesn’t even have to talk to figure out why she can’t sing lately. She misses 5 Pieces. It’s a few seconds on the phone with Maria and she knows why she is feeling so stressed and moody these weeks. With all the rumours and speculations about 5 Pieces, 5 Pieces’ future and if the members are on good terms with each other, Hannah has been stressed and confused because she hasn’t been able to confirm any of it. Sure, Emelia and Carolina are apparently working on music together but the agency keeps saying they are pushing back 5 Pieces’ comeback, focusing more on letting the ladies rest and do their individual things, then it is the fact that Hannah hasn’t talked to neither Emelia nor Maria for six weeks so she can’t really say she feels as close as they used to. But with this phone call, it’s as if nothing has changed. Maria sounds the same, it is the same feeling of being best friends that Hannah realises she has just been too focused on the rumours and speculations than focusing on her friends and where they stand.

They all agreed on that they need some time off, to collect their thoughts and really feel that they miss the stage. Hannah always misses the stage so it has been strange these months. Her call to Maria lasts for almost three hours. It is a record for them but they haven’t talked in six weeks. Maria has a lot to share, Hannah has a lot to share, and sometimes they are quiet for a few minutes.

Maria is having a blast in Sweden. She gets restless but she take walks, she goes to the mall, she read books, watches anime, she hangs out with her family and so on. When Hannah tells her about not being able to sing, Maria finds it so weird because before Maria went to Sweden, the two of them were singing in Hannah’s car. That was six weeks ago. Hannah spends an hour of the call in the practice-room, wandering around inside the room while she is supposed to practice but at the moment she finds talking to Maria more important. Maria tells her to practice for a few hours and call back if she wants to. When hanging up, Hannah stands still for a few minutes, not sure where to begin. It is quiet in the room so she decides to play music first. Playing it loudly, she tries to think of what Jonghyun and Maria has been telling her. How can she find the joy in singing again?

She changes the song, not thinking [Just Like Fire] will help her. Hannah starts playing the playlist she had when practicing for their WORLD INVASION tour, passing a few songs she doesn’t think she will handle. When [Girls Power] begins, Hannah takes her seat on a chair.

Visualise, she thinks. Visualise the stage, the ladies around her. She must imagine that she is on the stage. That is what she usually does during practice; imagining a crowd before her. when starting to sing her part, it’s like an amazing feeling of being able to sing, thinking she has just mentally told herself she can’t sing before. Then her voice disappears. Throughout the chorus she is just lip-synching. She sings one line in the whole song, plus a few words. Her voice cracks after each word. It is frustrating. Hannah thinks she might still be sick from last week, though isn’t swollen anymore.

[You Thought Wrong Of Me] begins to play, the concert version. Maria has asked her on the chat how it is going. Forty minutes has passed since Hannah started practicing, though she thought only a few minutes had passed.

“Just sing, Hannah,” she tells herself and stands up for the chorus. Though she isn’t supposed to sing it, she tries anyway. Whoever parts it originally is, Hannah just has to sing whatever.

The last word of a line she sings lightly, she keeps singing in a light tone without pressuring herself just to try it. It works. It sounds bad but a sound is coming out of her, and that’s a start. Emelia’s part after the chorus is low and deep, and Hannah focuses probably more of the feeling in the song than how to sing it. Her voice changes simply and gets comfortable singing the lower tone, and a smirk reaches her face when her own part of the song arrives and she is still singing. She doesn’t raise her tone, she keeps it low and steady and with attitude, remembering how mad the ladies could look on stage when performing this song that is about the strong woman leaving a bad relationship because the man didn’t know how to treat her. it is the end of her part when it gets higher and higher than Hannah’s voice starts disappearing again.

Low parts are okay, she notes.

Playing the song again, Hannah tries to sing the whole song from beginning to end, all parts, high and low. The high ones are dead for her but the low ones work. It takes another half an hour before she realises she is not giving her voice any power for the high notes. Her voice gets super light but it doesn’t get higher. It feels like she has gone back nine years to when she first started singing here. she takes one break to let Maria know she can’t sing but she is figuring it out.

In the end, she gives a call to Teddy Bear; their vocal coach Mr Bear. He is coming tomorrow to practice [Just Like Fire] with Hannah, but she needs help before. It is after all just two days she must fix this. They are on the phone for just a few minutes before he decides to come, which means he finds it serious too. As a vocal coach, he can understand her voice gets blocked from emotions, which is what she tells him it is. As a vocal coach, he can guide her. she has had both Jonghyun and Maria help her, and she has started to sing, but she needs him to know before tomorrow that she hasn’t been singing for six weeks and can’t do it.

Mr Bear arrives to the music room, right away hitting the problem by letting Hannah sing for him. He asks her to sing a few different songs before he sits down by the piano to warm her voice up, saying that it is all mentally. He agrees on what she had told him; her voice is blocked by emotions. They warm up for a long time, reminding her of what she did with Jonghyun the previous night.

Hannah’s thought of how to enjoy practice is to imagine she is on the stage, performing in front of a cheering crowd. She gets to tell Mr Bear that because she explains she couldn’t sing a tone until she visualised being on stage with the ladies earlier. He goes from that, asking what song it was and asking her to do the same. Close her eyes if necessary as long as she sees herself performing on the stage, hearing the other four ladies sing next to her.

“You should hear their voices around you for your voice to get louder,” he explains to her after being in there for a long time. “I think what you need is a push, because all you hear is your voice.”

“When being on stage with the ladies, they are all loud,” Hannah nods.

“Exactly. And you need that to take your space. Your voice automatically gets louder when your surrounding is loud. Right now, it is just the two of us in here and you only hear your voice. You hold back because of that. That’s what we need to work on.”

“But I have to sing live on Thursday,” Hannah points out.

“We can do that,” he assures her. “Because right now, it is all in your head. The moment you sing loudly, is the moment you’ve overcome this problem. All we have to do is to get you to sing loudly.”

Hannah nods, but she is biting her lip because he makes it sound so simple.

After two in the morning, Jonghyun knocks on the door. His own practice has ended and he wants to see how it is going for them. He is there until the practice ends, which isn’t for long. Mr Bear tells Hannah to keep doing vocal practices until they meet tomorrow evening, he tells her to text and call if she needs him because on Thursday she is going on radio for the first time this year and she is going to sing [Just Like Fire].

During the day when she had texted Jonghyun, the two of them decided to not go home straight away after practice. That it is in the middle of the night is one thing, but at this hour there is no one outside. They take the car to go somewhere, ending up in a park.

The sky is black, lamps are lightening up the surrounding a bit and it is the calmest place, Jonghyun says. Night air is always the best. No one is around, the grass is green, trees are covering the street next to the park and Hannah walks over to a park bench right away to take a seat. Jonghyun looks relaxed in his big grey t-shirt and baggy jeans while Hannah is in her usual sweater and leggings. When he sits down on the bench, arm on the backrest to look at her, Hannah takes off her shoes to sit tailor facing him. They have been talking about Hannah promoting [Just Like Fire] and that the agency is trying to figur