Chapter 66 – Coming Home

We worked our way up again until we could say we were close to where the Clan had had its headquarters before. Hyungwon had told me that according to the map it would take only one day of walking to get to the entrance of our city, not even two hours by car. How much time had passed? Five months? Six? Should be something like that.

It was a day like every other when we were told to move again. Further north. Further west. Forward. My eyes widened when I heard the news in the morning, looking at Hyungwon in something like shock. We would be back. He closed his eyes and smiled.

“We're going home.”

After getting on one of the big vans, I intertwined my fingers with Hyungwon's, their grasp tightening automatically by now. It was like a baby's grasping reflex and I allowed myself to lean my head against his shoulder. People had long stopped talking, not even sparing us a second glance anymore. We had lasted for several months, they were beginning to realize this wasn't just comfort but more.

And that's why it wasn't the topic of us that caused my mood to drop throughout the car ride. Hyungwon noticed how my additions to the others' discussions became less frequent and he moved his shoulder to get my attention. “Hey. What's wrong?”, he whispered as to not interrupt the very important argument over who had the weirdest dream that night.

“Nothing.”

I didn't turn to look at him so he knew something was off anyway and he sighed. “Minhyuk. What is it, how can I help?”

“I told you it's-” I interrupted myself knowing it was pointless anyway. “I was wondering what it looks like now. How the others are; Seventeen and the lot. If they-” I shut my mouth, not wanting to say it out loud but Hyungwon seemed to get it nonetheless. If they are still alive.

He leaned his head on mine with a sigh. “It's no use thinking about it. We'll go see it as soon as possible, so don't busy yourself with it too much.”

“What if I don't want to see it though?”

There was a slight tremor to my voice that had him tighten his hold on me. “Where did my optimistic fluffball go? I told you not to think about it.”

My heart would skip a beat whenever he said something like that, which wasn't often. My. His. All his. A smile appeared on my lips and I closed my eyes. “I'll sleep for a while.”

“Try to find your optimism there, will you?”

“Sure.” And that's when I was already drifting off into sleep. Sleeping in the car was one of my specialties.

________________

“You are only allowed to go until the marked border on this map. We're moving closer to the front so you shouldn't get carried away by walking through the whole city. We are securing the new territory but we'd better not get in the way of possible retreats”, the instructor barked like every time we moved to a new place, pointing at the border he was referring to. My eyes scanned the drawings of the streets until I was pretty sure I had found the one my former workplace was located in – and I wasn't pleased. The convenience store was outside the real safe area, in possible retreat territory. I wouldn't be able to go there.

Monsta X' house on the other hand was within reach, just within our allowed territory and I smiled at the others who realized shortly after me. Even after the instructor had allowed us to go prepare for patrol we remained standing in front of the big map until Shownu spoke up in something like disbelief.

“We're home, guys.”

“Took us long enough”, Jooheon muttered and everyone agreed with quiet mumbles.

“What are you staring at? Move!”, the instructor ordered and we shared another warm look before splitting up like we had done it for months. It didn't matter how long we had to wait to go to the exact spot. We're home.

The end of our duty seemed to take forever to finally come. Except for Wonho and Kihyun there wasn't anyone close to would get anywhere close to our house and I was itching to just pretend to be sick and run there. Why did I want to go there so bad? Simple: it's where all of this started. It's the place where Minhyuk and I had lived without thinking too much of it. But now it was different.

It was where I got to see Monsta X' different characters, where I saw what they hid from the world, where I had done drugs without any second thoughts, where I had broken down in front of Minhyuk. So much had happened there without me ever really noticing but now I wanted to see it. Try to imagine what all these things felt like again because I was too ignorant to accept it when it all happened.

We met up at lunch as always but neither of us even thought of getting themselves something to eat, only waiting for Wonho to arrive. He was later than usual and something didn't seem to be quite right but nobody said a thing. “Let's go”, Jooheon urged us with sparkling eyes but one glance at Wonho had me squint.

“Are you sure you don't want to eat? I'm hungry and-”

“You can eat when we get back”, Minhyuk interrupted with something like annoyance – he wanted to go so bad as well. Kihyun was the next to speak up, putting a hand on Wonho's arm and giving him a reassuring smile.

“It's all good. We just want to see what it looks like after all this time”, he said in a hushed voice that caused my mistrust to grow a little more.

Another glance to the side. A slight twitch of his mouth. Then, Wonho swallowed and smiled back. “Alright, let's go.”

The blond was strangely quiet, strangely serious, during our walk to the house and the further we went the more I began to understand why – the houses were partly ruins. It was a mess. Some were pretty okay, others had lost half of their walls, big piles of stone and metal located near what once had been a safe home. I turned towards Wonho and opened my mouth but he just looked at me with a pained expression before averting his gaze to let it wander through the street instead.

It wasn't until five minutes later that Minhyuk's hold on my hand tightened (our palms were kind of glued together as soon as the other was within reach by now) and he finally saw it as well. But Minhyuk didn't keep quiet about it. “W-Wonho. Was this- I mean- Our house-”

“I don't know what it looks like, we didn't go there”, he replied softly as if to calm the white-haired down. “I just felt so sad seeing this mess already, so I thought you guys might not be able to deal with it. This...This is our home after all and...”

“We're going there”, Shownu insisted with a firm voice and a little bit of despair. His wish was obvious and I could hear it loud and clear through his words. “I need to see it, whatever it looks like.” I want to see what's left of my life since my uncle's home is already gone.

“It's not far away anyway”, I shrugged trying to look as neutral as possible and that's how we marched on.

Minhyuk's hand grew sweaty in mine, his pace quickening until he let go to start running, Shownu following close behind. They couldn't wait to see what it looked like now, running ahead as we kept walking at a steady pace. I watched with my lips pressed together as Minhyuk's white hair disappeared around the next dusty corner before turning towards Wonho, voice merely a whisper. “What about the location of that...that girl?”

His eyebrows shot upwards in surprise upon hearing the concern in my voice. “You're thinking of that?”

“Just because it's got to do with you doesn't mean I turn a blind eye on enslaving women let alone a girl”, I shot back and he opened and closed his mouth several times before frowning.

“Wait, because it's got to do with me, what do you-”

“You're the one I'm the most cautious around in case you never noticed, mister spy.”

He shushed me in a hurry, threatening to hit me more or less jokingly before glancing around to make sure the others didn't hear. “I noticed. But-”

“You're changing the topic, where is the house?”

“It's outside our borders. Not too much but it also takes pretty long from here, I just...I need to wait more”, he uttered in frustration, motioning towards the surroundings, “and seeing all this makes me lose all hope for her to be fine.”

“Don't be so pessimistic, she might as well be safe and sound.”

Before Wonho could say any more discouraging things we had already rounded the corner Minhyuk and Shownu had disappeared at before, our house coming into view.

Our home.

It had definitely seen better days. Some of the upper floor windows were broken, one of the walls had taken damage from whatever had blown away the houses on the other side of the street, but it was mostly okay. It was standing strong amongst the other slightly damaged houses. The door was wide open, neither Minhyuk nor Shownu anywhere in sight, so I assumed they had gone inside, following hesitantly.

I went for the garden first to find Shownu stare at the small patch of grass. No plastic. There was a slight difference in the color of the ground the tent had been shielding from wind and weather before and the little stones were still forming a circle but other than that nobody would ever have expected that this was the place. The place drugs were cooked and shared at. Where stories were exchanged and sorrows voiced. A place of so many memories.

“Where's the tent?”, I asked quietly but Shownu didn't say anything. He just pointed at the nearest tree, a big plane of plastic wrapped around the stem in a failed attempt of flying off into freedom. “At least it's still there, I guess?”, I tried again only to have our leader shake his head.

“But of what use is it even? It doesn't matter anymore, Hyungwon.” He took a deep breath only to sigh a moment later. “I don't know what I expected. I just...”

His voice trailed off and I didn't have any words to soothe his pain but it was exactly at that moment that Jooheon and Changkyun broke out into the garden with wide eyes. I left it to them. I couldn't cheer him up, didn't know how to talk to him. Walking back into the house I saw Wonho standing in the living room; uncertain and somewhat lost. Kihyun wasn't any different, limping through the messy kitchen with uncertainty in his eyes.

But where was Minhyuk? I directed my gaze towards the stairs and swallowed, taking each of the steps with more caution. Who knows how robust they were after being through so much fighting, after all? Of course I found him in his room. He was just standing there, staring out of the broken window with his back turned towards me as I walked up to him, slowly wrapping my arms around his waist from behind. He didn't react apart from leaning his head back against my shoulder and I could see that his eyes were half closed, listless maybe, lips parted just a little bit. Those lips I wished I could kiss more often without being maneuvered into a panic attack. Tomorrow would be drug day anyway, maybe I could just- Focus, Hyungwon.

“It's dangerous up here, what if the ground didn't support your weight?”, I mumbled to give him a chance of not having to talk about it but he didn't take it.

“I'm not sad that it looks like this”, he stated and I swallowed when he made himself comfortable in the crook of my neck. “It's just...so much? Like, so many things have happened here.”

“I know what you mean.” I let go of his waist to take his hand and stuff it into my hoodie's pocket for comfort. “It's strange but nothing else, I guess.”

“Grant me a wish”, he said then, turning towards me while chewing on his bottom lip. He looked kind of embarrassed and I squinted, cocking my head to the side.

“Anything.”

“Let me kiss you. Just this once. Right here in this room.”

I couldn't help it. A quiet disbelieving laugh bubbled up in my chest and caused me to end up snorting like a horse as I doubled over. Looks like we had really become more alike over the time we spent together. The waves of chuckles wouldn't subside and I clenched my teeth to stop them at some point, glancing up at a confused and kind of uncertain Minhyuk. His eyes said it all: Wow, I broke him. Great.

The exact wording of his request was what was the most important. Let me kiss you. He had been patient, so patient for months, never initiating anything more than holding hands. He left it up to me to get closer. It must have been tough on him but he kept his distance for my sake, I knew it. A queasy feeling filled my stomach but I swallowed it all to regain my composure. He deserved it. He was worth it. He wouldn't hurt me. And then it hit me.

So what if he did?

“Go for it.”

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