Chapter 35 - Bittersweet

A kiss. That's what you call this. It took me several moments to remember the word describing what Hyungwon was doing while steadying himself with a hand on the ground right next to my head. His lips were molding against mine and I was unable to do anything to stop him. Soft, warm and helpless. That's what it felt like, but there was something else. Something I couldn't put my finger on. My mind was clouded, hell, I had one foot in dreamland already and now this was happening? A kiss. Who did that guy think he is?

It's not like I hadn't been kissed before – there had been several occasions when Wonho would overdo it – but this...It felt somewhat electrifying. Was there something wrong with me? I felt myself relax without my consent but that's when Hyungwon already pulled away and I let out a wince before I could stop myself. Suddenly, I felt cold, staring at Hyungwon and his dark eyes through my half-closed ones. His pupils were slightly dilated, making them look as though I was staring at the black night sky.

Too soon did reality hit me right in the face.

Dilated. I had just been kissed by someone who was traumatized to the bone without doing anything to stop him, on the contrary. It was... I searched my brain for that one word I couldn't remember, growing frustrated when I couldn't find it. He must have seen my struggle because he averted his eyes only a moment later. I inhaled. “Hyungwon, you-”

“Lee, can you keep secrets?”, his voice interrupted mine, sounding drained and exhausted.

I clenched my teeth and swallowed with a nod. “I keep more than you can imagine.”

“Good, that's good”, he mumbled still avoiding eye contact at all cost. Several moments of silence passed with me still lying on the ground in confusion while he stared at the blades of grass peeking through his fingers next to my head. Then, he shifted his weight and lay down by my side again, staring at me from the side. “Do me a favor. Just this one.”

“Hm?” I didn't know where the power to turn my head came from but I didn't get a chance to see his expression anyway as he shifted closer, burying his face in the my sweater. His voice was muffled, almost in audibly quiet, but since my whole concentration was on him I could hear him clearly nonetheless.

“Be my secret.”

I swallowed, blinking intently. Be my secret. Sober Hyungwon would have laughed if he had heard himself and I wanted to snort but nothing came out. Nothing but a rough whisper. “Hyung...Hyungwon, what do you-” I reached out with my hand to push him away but before I could do so I noticed how his breathing evened out all of a sudden. He had fallen asleep in less than five seconds, how was this even possible?

I my lips and stopped when I was hit with the distinct taste of Delphinium. Some of it must have remained on his lips, the word I had been looking for suddenly coming back to my mind. Of course:

Bittersweet.

That's what all of this was. One bittersweet hell of a story. I groaned with the remains of my energy, glancing down at Hyungwon who was buried in my shirt. I didn't have to see it to know he was smiling. It was one of those things he did, those sweet little gestures he would produce mostly when on drugs. The other side of him was the sober one. A rational, sometimes a bit cold and distant character that was trying not to think too much about the world he had been born into. And that was what we were like as well: Close yet distant. Familiar yet strangers. Sweet yet bitter – to the point where it got addicting; our game of push and pull.

And the kiss? My eyes fell close, unable to withstand the sleep any longer. I'd have to deal with it the next day.

Be my secret. But Hyungwon, why?

________________

I didn't know what it was but I had a bad feeling as soon as I came to my senses. Something felt weird. Like always I couldn't remember a thing about the evening before, a gigantic black hole gaping in my memory, so I had to gather hints on whatever had happened. It had been risky, I had done drugs a day after a mental breakdown. A day after Yi-en had found me again. A day after I had caused the others worries by kind of telling on the Clan.

There had been too much going on in my mind, I wouldn't have made it another week without the calmness Delphinium automatically brought with it, but that was also the most dangerous part about this. What if I said anything problematic? What I noticed first was that it was kind of dark around me, the ground uneven and soft, probably grass. I'm still outside, I thought to myself, opening my eyes. It remained dark. Had I gone blind? No way. I tried to move my hand in front of my eyes but it was tangled in some sort of cloth that was blocking the motion. Cloth?

I frowned, only then noticing the warmth I was surrounded by and also something that put weight on my shoulders and neck. And it was moving. I swallowed, inhaling only to have the smell of Delphinium tickle in my nose. I tried to move again but stilled when realization struck me. The cloth my hand was tangled in was some kind of shirt, I could feel a heartbeat underneath.

Suddenly wide awake, I distanced myself from whoever was lying there and got rid of the weight – an arm that had been thrown over me, probably while asleep. My eyes were darting around, trying to grasp how damn ing close I had been to that person and I forced myself to keep breathing at a normal pace, recognizing the soft facial features and the hair.

Why had I been lying next to Minhyuk? Why had we practically been huddled up against each other? What was the reason for this?

My teeth began clattering when first my commander, then Yi-en and lastly my father flashed in front of my mind's eye. Minhyuk furrowed his brows with a wince, his arm reaching out as though he was looking for something but pulled it towards his body when he didn't find it.

Yes, I had somewhat gotten used to waking up seeing Minhyuk first thing after having had drugs but we would never touch let alone...cuddle? This was something I hadn't done since... I froze, realization dawning to me. Since Yi-en. I clenched my jaw to stop the clattering. This couldn't be good, there simply was no positive reason nor outcome for this. I had talked about Yi-en, most likely. Either him or the army, which would also result in Yi-en or things that were...further in the past. My mind didn't accept any other explanation.

Again Minhyuk let out a quiet whine with his eyes still closed and I was sure he was still asleep. “H...won...?”

I did what I'm best at: turn away.

I stood up and left the tent, entering the house and making myself a cup of coffee while glancing at my watch. Seven forty in the morning. I cocked my ears and heard someone rustle in the bathroom upstairs, glancing at the coffee machine before groaning and pressing the button for another mug with my hand shaking. My assumptions proved to be right, it was Wonho who came down the stairs after a few more minutes, entering the kitchen while buttoning his shirt. “Oh, Hyungwon, when did you-”

“You remember everything from yesterday, right? Here, have some”, I interrupted him, shoving one of the two coffee mugs into his hand. “You'd better tell me what I talked about, alright?”

“You're talking to me? What are you, the coffee fairy?” Wonho blinked in surprise, careful not to spill any coffee on his outfit while trying to scan my face, a crooked smirk appearing on his. “Fearing your secret might be exposed?”

“What secret?”

“Everybody knows you have- Ah, bitter.” The gears were spinning in my head, going mad as I watched him take a sip of the coffee and he made a face before adding two spoons of sugar to the brown mixture. “But rejoice: You only talked about your poor cooking skills and the fact that you can't drink alcohol well. No surprises there to be honest.”

Cooking skills? Alcohol? I tightened the grasp around my steaming mug, not caring about the fact that it was incredibly hot. “That was really everything? Are you sure?”

“That's all as far as I can remember, I dozed off shortly before the others”, Wonho sighed, putting the mug down when his expression turned from playful to serious and careful. “Why you were this close to Minhyuk. Is that why you're asking, you want to know the reason?”

It was my turn to sigh – or rather inhale and exhale very loudly to keep my composure. Of course Wonho would see right through me, it would have been a surprise if he didn't. “Yes. It's unsettling.”

“Unsettling? Dude, you were sleeping, it shouldn't bother you that much, so just cheer up”, the blonde muttered and placed his mug in the sink right next to me, making sure to invade my space again. Still I wasn't affected all that much and he stepped closer until I could smell his aftershave, keeping my eyes on the coffee in my hand. He was no danger, at least not anymore. I repeated these things to myself as the seconds passed and I seemed to pass the test. “The changes in your behav