Chapter 64 – Finally

Time passed by.

You would think many things changed after that day on the rooftop but in reality, it was more of a silent agreement all of us reached. Our lives fell into a new rhythm that was surprisingly similar to our old one. Every morning we would go out and walk down the paths we were assigned. We checked for any anomalies, talked to the people living there, asked for unusual happenings or anything the like. We had to find out if there was just the tiniest hint that China was plotting something within our reclaimed territory – Hyungwon being on our side didn't automatically mean there were no other spies after all.

After a short lunch break we would go down to the basement for training, the routine changing every now and then. I got very precise at shooting, learned the basics of close combat. I was getting better at everything though Hyungwon totally left us behind in the overall evaluation of course. They got us a bunch of uniforms at some point and I wanted to laugh out loud. They were white. White as snow and white as my hair that was slowly growing out by then. The intention behind these uniforms was that they were the complete opposite of that of Chinese officers. People on the streets were supposed to trust us and tell us about their problems, not mistake us for another oppressor after all.

Every week, the others would take their doses, enjoy themselves, laugh and let loose because they started to feel more at ease, the daily routine creeping in. Every week, their vials would get a little more empty. Every week the unavoidable fate of having to dry out drew closer. And yet every week was the same.

You want to know about Hyungwon?

He kept writing things down in his book for another week, looking very pensive and even vulnerable at times. Every day I would come collect him after training was over. Even if he actually finished his training unit first he would keep going and going, sending the others ahead until I would get there and call out for him. His eyes would be dark, his mouth pressed into a thin line and overall posture hostile. It would take him a bunch of seconds before his expression softened and he let himself be dragged out of the spacious hall without resisting.

We would grab some food and I would talk about all the stuff I had done that day, complain about how nothing ever happened on patrol (only to be rebuked for wishing for action by Hyungwon) and try to get him out of his dark state in general. It worked well. It felt a little bit like taking care of a cat that wouldn't be nice to anybody but you and I grew more and more addicted to seeing the little changes in his eyes, the smiles tugging at his mouth's corners from time to time, the way his whole face would change shape then.

On drug days, he would be preoccupied, eyes never focusing on anything in particular, not even during training. While everyone else laughed and had fun together, he often asked me to go to the rooftop with him. I would say no at first, knowing just how high it was up, but him asking again and again had me give in after three weeks. I would press myself against the cold wall as wind kept tearing at my clothes, would stare at the scenery in shock and awe at the same time.

After five minutes I would ask Hyungwon to leave again and he would comply. Then ten. Fifteen. I learned to endure the height for much longer than I thought, eventually able to give Hyungwon his dose on the rooftop already and lead his drugged self downstairs later without my knees shaking too much. While high, he would sometimes place a feather light kiss on the back of my hand linked with his. Then I would stop him because this wasn't his real self and I didn't want to confuse Chae with Hyungwon. This was something I didn't trust myself with, differentiating between the two of them. Then we would sleep next to each other without ever judging the other the next day. It wasn't much but it was somewhat calming.

Yes, I was happy with just that.

And then, after four weeks, we were moved to a new areal.

________________

I didn't like the fact that we had to train so hard even though we would never go to the front line. I didn't like that they treated us like a bunch of mercenaries. I had tried to stay positive at first but for some reason I just couldn't get myself to smile anymore. It was all too familiar. Minhyuk's presence made it a lot more bearable, helped me when I was about to drown in almost forgotten memories.

I didn't know what I was doing whenever I was high but it must already have been hard enough on him to be the only sober one out of us seven, so I wanted to give him something in return as well. I would cure his vertigo, at least make it hurt less. It was the least I could do after he had to put up with me and my dark and absentminded self. The great view helped a lot, he got more and more confident though his eyes were still shaking, often glued to me instead of the tall houses. Still it didn't feel bad, not at all. When we moved areas I was a bit sad we would have to leave that behind but what could I say? We had to move forward. Slowly but steadily.

Another week passed, our fifth or sixth now, I didn't really keep track of the passing time. What month was it anyway? We received a short instruction for the new area, the American soldiers always patient with us, different from the Chinese ones I knew. It was easier now that we were kind of focused on that one task, our training aside. Minhyuk's shooting had gotten so much better he was almost as good as me now and I can't say I didn't watch him train with some sort of admiration from time to time.

He just had that determination to him. The kind that captivated all of me, the kind that left me impressed and at a loss for words. He fired shots knowing that he could kill a person with them. He 'fought' punching bags knowing that he could break noses with those fists. I could see the uncertainty, the respect in his eyes whenever he was in training and that was so different from what I was used to. Different from what I had seen in the mirror for months and years. He was what I could have been, someone who feels sorry for every enemy he faces, but that's not how things had worked out for me so I wanted to at least protect him from turning his own heart into stone. I wanted him to stay just the way he was, cheerful, loud, barging into my everyday life over and over again. He was lighting things up inside of me and I enjoyed all the times we spent together.

It was Wednesday when he told me about a change of plans that I had a sudden realization.

“So, you'll go a bit further to the east?”, I concluded with my hands buried in my pockets after breakfast. The skies were clear but puddles on our way indicated that it had rained quite a lot and not too long ago. Rain, rain and even more rain. Loud and getting under my skin.

“Yeah, they said it's safe near the base since they received a couple more recruits and we should go check out the newly conquered parts of the city”, Minhyuk explained with a nervous glint to his eyes. “It's getting closer to the front line, I'm...I don't know what to think of that.”

“We were promised that we wouldn't be sent to the front lines, don't worry about it”, I assured him with a careful smile. “You'll see it's not that bad.”

“If you say so.” He kicked the gravel with a sigh, then looked at me and pulled me into a powerless hug, one that was weak enough for me to be able to step away if it got too much to handle. Minhyuk knew me by then. He would always be like this and just as much as I liked this consideration I also wished for the day to come when he wouldn't have to be careful anymore. I didn't want him to have to lock himself up in his own mind. I wrapped an arm around his shoulders and he buried his face in the crook of my neck for a while, enjoying the warmth and softness with a sigh.

A few more moments passed, seconds, a few minutes maybe, until his soft lips brushed my sensitive skin and I tensed up in shock. What was he doing? He wasn't usually like this and my hands clenched for a second, causing him to move away with his eyes closed and a sigh escaping his lips. “I'm sorry”, he whispered, mirroring me and burying his hands in his pockets as well. “I just...just wanted to do this for a longer time now. Too much, right?”

I touched the tingling spot with my fingertips and inhaled several times, trying to say something but he was quick to duck his head and turn around with an apologetic smile. “Sorry, really, uhm, I- I'd