Chapter 22 - Of Monsters and Memories

I was just about to perfect my drawing of the blue flower after writing down everything Minhyuk had told me when I glanced up from the book with a frown. It had gotten quiet at the other end of the bed and it didn't surprise me to see him deep asleep, curled up with his white hair falling over his eyes. I'd still have had enough energy to walk back, but it looked like he had completely exhausted himself during his little outburst earlier and I smirked for a split second before turning it into a scowl.

He wasn't scared of me and it was confusing. He had said he was worried about me, how was I supposed to deal with that? I stood up as quietly as I could, throwing a blanket over his body before walking towards the window through which I could see the moon being surrounded by clouds. There was a rather broad windowsill and I sat down on the cool stone.

Say, what happens to people when they die? Do they still hear us? It wasn't the first time I was wondering this, but I hadn't allowed myself to think about it for more than a year. I sat up and reached out with my hand as if to push the clouds threatening to cover the moon aside. Sometimes you just have to get rid of something weighing you down, so why not give it a go? I breathed in and closed my eyes, resting my chin on my knees. “Hey, Sangwon. You still awake?” A lump formed in my throat and I could only breathe my words, fearing that Minhyuk might hear me. “I don't know if I'm going mad or if I'm sane for the first time. Would it be okay to tell him? I mean, yes, I know what you're probably gonna say:” I furrowed my brows, trying to imitate his expressions. “How dare you question this, Hyungwon? You've got to do it, because he really cares!”

A huff escaped my lips and I relaxed my face. “Maybe, yes, but I don't know if I can even accept that care. I thought I needed help, but seeing how others treated him today... He reminds me of you. He's always so bright though he isn't fine at all, I envy him.” Exo laughed upstairs and I glanced at the ceiling with a sigh. “You know, many things have happened since you've been gone. I'm living in a house of drug addicts, I even became one myself in order to make the army a thing of the past. But today I finally realized that I can't change what those bastards made of me. I just know too much. I'm still a monster, trained to kill. Neither you nor Yi-en could change a thing about that, why would I change now?”

“Sorry, Sangwon.” A loud thump echoed through the room as the others seemed to have dropped something heavy and I flinched with a sniffle. “I didn't get to be the hero you wanted me to be.”

“Hyung...won?”, a sleepy whisper reached my ears and I jerked my head towards Minhyuk in shock, careful not to twist my upper body. When had he woken up, did he hear me?

I forced myself to keep calm and stood up, strolling over to him. “Yeah?”

Minhyuk tightly grabbed the blanket I had put over him and yawned, struggling to keep his eyes open. “Can't sleep?”

I shrugged and buried my hands in my pockets. “Looks like it, but don't mind me, I'll be fine. Go back to sleep.” He didn't need to be told twice since he had already dozed off again before I could even finish my sentence and I huffed quietly, carefully squatting down at the bed with my hand a few strands of hair out of his face. He was so hard to read, what had his life been like before he got addicted? Before the Chinese invaded Korea?

I glanced back at the window, thinking about my talk with Lay earlier. His name wasn't actually Lay. And he wasn't Korean either, no.

“I'll ask again: Who are you?”, he asked me with his hands curled into fists once we started walking down the street and I smirked at him.

“The spy is getting nervous. You think I'll sneak your identity to your dear friends?” I had to play pretend with him. I had to gain his trust and that was something I was good at. Gaining trust wasn't my problem, it was returning it which I couldn't do.

“You didn't yet, so, why? How did you know?”, the man insisted and I snorted.

“You don't conceal it very well and you still have an accent. Anyone knowing about the system would have been able to confront you, you should consider yourself lucky it's me. Get yourself a shirt with sleeves to cover that tattoo at the very least.”

“Why would you help me?”

I grabbed my shirt on the left side and raised it to expose a little bit of skin. “We're on the same boat. Your name?”

He stared at the number with big eyes and blinked a few times. “Yixing, that's my actual name. You?”

Yixing? Never heard of him, must be someone new. I my lips and glanced to the side. “Ever heard of someone nicknamed 'turtle'?” He furrowed his brows for a moment.

“He's like some kind of legend, I've never met him. They say he never made a mistake during his missions and he's currently undercover to help us keep- W-wait.” His mouth dropped open and he stared at me with eyes that would fall out if he opened them just a little more.

I gave him a lopsided yet sad smirk and nodded. “Yup. Legend is a little bit too overkill, but yes, that's me.” It seemed like the military thought I had left to investigate for their sake and I suppressed a sigh of relief. I had them exactly where I wanted them to be and I turned my expression into a threatening mask, grabbing Yixing's shoulder to make him look at me.

Time to make the past my present.

“I'm currently observing the system that is the Clan, so you'd better control your dear friends and stop beating Minhyuk up or else we'll have a civil uprising in no time since he's their main dealer. Those drugs are distracting the people from their hatred towards our great leaders and it's better to leave it that way.” I my lips, disgusted by my own words, but I still grabbed him by the collar and kept going. “Someone ruining that system is the least thing I want to deal with now. There is no room for mistakes here, so you'd better not tell our boss to hunt their dealers down, did you understand what I said?”

Yixing nodded frantically and I shoved him away with a swallow. “Good. Then go back before they notice your absence and grow suspicious.”

Again he nodded but curiosity got the better of him when he turned around once more. “Is... Is it true that you killed your higher-up to get to his rank?”

A lump formed in my throat but I managed to give him a smile laced with fake mischief that would make anyone shiver. “He was a poser, nothing but a disgrace. He deserved it.”

My gaze wandered across the room and got stuck on Minhyuk yet again. How did I end up like this, I thought with a sigh as I grabbed my book from the cupboard and scribbled a few words down before ripping the page out and making my way towards the fourth story in almost complete silence.

Exo would do as I said from now on with Yixing thinking I was giving them new rules to keep up the peace when in reality I just wanted him to lie low. For now, I was the one in control. I slid the paper through the slit under the door and returned to our room, sitting down on the floor to let my head rest on the bed next to the sleeping Minhyuk. “You're safe for now”, I breathed, finally feeling myself grow tired by the second.

But I was lying.

With me in their lives, nobody could ever really think themselves to be safe.

________________

When I woke up in the morning, Hyungwon was already putting on his shoes though the sun had barely shot its first light across the sky and I groaned, stretching my arms and legs with a yawn. “You're up?”, I mumbled, rubbing my eyes. “Didn't sleep well?”

He pulled on his shoelaces once more before glancing up. “I never do, but it's fine. Let's leave before they wake up.” I didn't question his lack of explanation and nodded, blinking the remaining sleep out of my eyes and rolling out of bed.

We were past the door twenty minutes later and I hugged myself due to the cold as I watched the other people on the street. Many men were leaving for work, it was around half past six, and it was rare for me to see this many people at once. They would all go to work early and come back late at night, it was normal, because they either worked on farms in the country, like Shownu, or for the few big companies we had left in the cities. “Look how they're all moving in synchronicity”, Hyungwon stated with a voice void of emotion and I nodded.

“Like robots.”

“Like the slaves we are”, he corrected me bitterly causing another wave of shivers to run down my spine. We walked in silence, watching the men pass by with worn o