Chapter 51 - Decisions

“It's...it's on the left side behind that corner”, I whispered quietly pointing at the building I meant and Hyungwon nodded, pressing the bag of hastily improvised jars to his body.

“Good. How much time do you need?”

“For all the flowers? Maybe two hours. Maybe just one. I was very careful last time.”

“That will be fine. Two hours...” His voice trailed off for a moment when he calculated something, muttering numbers every now and then. “Yeah. I don't think they'll even come here any time soon but better safe than sorry.”

“O-okay”, I whispered in reply, unable to take my eyes off of him.

Hyungwon had been incredibly sweet. He was still high and I knew I shouldn't be moved by him so easily but I couldn't help noticing those things. After my short breakdown he had hugged me like he had only done it at the hospital before. He hugged me as though he'd never let go again and I can tell for sure that it was more than one minute we spent in absolute silence then. It was just so comforting to have him show his worry and care. To have him become so protective.

Even now. I dared to look down at his hand tightly holding on to mine as he pulled me through the streets after him. He hadn't let go ever since we had left the house as though he feared I might run away or get lost if he didn't hold on to me. And I couldn't deny that his touch was comforting. Yet it was simultaneously driving me crazy.

We entered the house in a hurry, walking up to the third floor where I could hear the engines buzzing as usual. I let my gaze wander across the flowers and took a deep breath – and froze. Hyungwon furrowed his brows, turning towards me. “Lee?”

“I forgot how long it has been”, I stated nervously, swallowing. “It's...it must have been about two weeks now.”

“Since what?”

“My last dose.”

Hyungwon's scent had had a slight hint of Delphinium to it but it was nothing compared to the damn source of it all. The sweet smell was surrounding me, crowding around me until goosebumps formed on my skin. Two whole weeks. If only I hadn't been reminded of that little detail. “Just take some, get some rest and work later then. We have that time”, Hyungwon mumbled, his fingers still not letting go of mine and I groaned.

“You said we had to do this quickly before.” I furrowed my brows and clenched my eyes shut. “I should get to work first.”

“What if you pass out? That happens a lot, you know? It happened twice in the short amount of time I know you.” He pulled me a little closer by our linked hands. “You might get hurt if you keep pushing yourself, especially now.”

“There's no headache”, I realized, trying to let go of Hyungwon's hand but his grasp only tightened and I turned towards him with a sigh. “I don't feel much different from when I've just had a dose the day before. Hyungwon, I don't feel sick.” My eyes wandered towards the flowers again. They were of such a beautiful color I could have stared at them forever. And their scent was so sweet.

“That's...that's all good and nice but- Lee? Hey, Lee.”

“Huh? Oh, yeah. What were you saying?”, I returned my attention to Hyungwon who pouted.

“You said you were fine but you don't even listen to me, Minrude.”

“You're not bringing that up now, are you?”, I chuckled, wanting to take a step towards the flowers but Hyungwon pulled me back again.

“Just take some. I don't want you to black out or something. Come on, it's no big deal, right? Two hours and you're back on track.”

“I'm not even off track yet”, I retorted with a shake of my head. “And if I get high who will prevent you from getting into trouble? No, Hyungwon, I can't. You sit down here-”, I finally freed my hand to point at the wall to my left, “-while I start on the flowers.”

“But-” He interrupted himself upon seeing my glare and swallowed, sitting down by the wall with his eyes fixed on me. “Hurry then.”

The first fifteen minutes weren't a big deal. I plucked ninety percent of the flowers with my heart clenching – the only ones I left to grow were those that were too young to be plucked anyway. If nothing happened to our city I could pick up the business again but the chances were so small I couldn't even believe it myself.

So this was it. The real end of the Clan.

I made a fire with the things we brought and started extracting the necessary oils with a sigh, throwing blossom after blossom into the bowl. I tried not to inhale through my nose fearing the smell would have an undesired effect on me and stared at the blue liquid in concentration. Such a beautiful thing with such a crucial role in my life. If I was no longer a dealer what would I be now? This was all I had done since I had moved in with Shownu. All I had done since I could remember.

I was so focused I didn't notice how Hyungwon moved towards me until arms were wrapped around me from behind. I jumped and almost knocked over my little do-it-yourself lab with a sound of surprise. “Gosh, what-”

Hyungwon hooked his chin on my shoulder and I couldn't turn my head to watch his expression but it was a fact that he was still high and unpredictable- “You are crying, Lee.”

“I am- what?” I stopped to run a hand across my cheek in wonder feeling that it was indeed wet with tears. “Oh.”

“You looked like a wizard with the flowers and your witch's cauldron and stuff but then you started crying”, Hyungwon mumbled right next to my ear with some sort of thick voice. “It made me sad as well.”

“And hugging me is the cure for that? You must feel bad, being this close to someone.”

“No, it's...The tension is almost gone now. It's still weird but I wanted to do this so it's fine.” I inhaled again but he shook his head. “Don't change the topic, why did you cry?”

I wanted to do this. Why would he want to hug someone on his own accord? It just didn't make sense. “I just can't believe this is the end of me being a dealer”, I explained after a bit of hesitation, trying to form a smile. “This is all I've done since I could remember. It's like losing what I've been since forever.”

“I understand”, he replied softly, arms tightening around my waist. “It was the same every time I ran away from something. But don't worry, there's no real end.” Hyungwon took a deep breath and I could almost feel how a smile spread on his face. “Your scent goes so well with Delphinium, it's sweet. Anyway, see it differently: You have a past self that you forgot about. You have your present self being a dealer. That's all good and nice but you have a future self waiting for you to design it. You're free to do whatever you want now, it's an empty canvas. Sounds much better than losing who you are, right?”

“Future self”, I repeated with a quiet huff, reaching out to add new flowers to my witch's cauldron. “And what would that be in a time of war? What else but a soldier can I become? What kind of freedom is this?”

“You could be someone who fights by my side along with Monsta X”, he replied casually, leaning his head against mine. “Or someone who doesn't put himself in danger but watches from the side. Or someone who takes care of others in the background. Someone who is happy. Someone who allows himself to be sad. It's what you make of it.”

“I allow myself to be sad now as well”, I retorted, feeling oddly calm in his embrace. “I just don't want anyone to see it.”

“That's what I meant you egg.”

“E- what- I can't believe you just called me an egg”, I sighed burying my face in my hands while Hyungwon just rocked me from side to side as if to calm down a baby – it worked a little to be honest.

“You're my favorite egg.”

“Stop that, what has gotten into you?”, I muttered, playfully slamming my elbow into his stomach without much force yet he only chuckled.

“Egg-boy.”

“Alright, I'm not talking to you anymore.” I tried to get rid of his arms, tried to ignore the hot feeling spreading in my chest when he firmly held on to me with a mixture of whines and laughter but it was futile. I ended up with him still clinging to my back like a monkey baby while I kept throwing the blossoming flowers into the pot in front of me.

The air got sweeter and sweeter, my brain constantly reminding me of the fact that I was dried out, and my hands started to shake at some point. I could feel Hyungwon's heart beating against my back in a steady and calm rhythm but couldn't bring my own to do the same. I grew nervous and restless moving on to the last ten flowers when one of Hyungwon's hands grabbed my wrist. His voice was husky as though he was half asleep. “It's...It's not good to push yourself.”

“No, Hyungwon”, I objected though not as firm as desired, “it's not good for me to depend on a flower.”

I scanned the jars I had filled with blue liquid. The amount could nurture Monsta X for a whole year, if not longer. I could give one of them to the gangs at Seventeen's place but who could guarantee that they wouldn't overdose? Shownu hadn't been able to resist either. “You might regret this. A lot. You'll get hurt”, Hyungwon whispered so quietly I almost missed out on it.

As if on cue my head started to sting when I threw the last flowers into the metal bowl. “What are you talking about?” I looked out of the window to my left, making out a much taller building somewhere further away. The simple thought of it's height made me shiver and I averted my gaze in a hurry.

“N-nothing, I...Just take some drugs, please?”

I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose with a frown when the headache increased. “I can't...I mean, whatever, sure. I will once I'm done with this. It's...it's the last bunch anyway”, I muttered reassuringly and patted Hyungwon's hand with a fake smile. As if. “Why don't you sleep for a while? I can tell you didn't get much of that last night.”

“You will definitely take them? A hundred percent?”, he insisted, worry audible in his voice but it was overshadowed by drowsiness. I definitely would never get used to him being this sentimental, it felt wrong to witness him being like this. It was vulnerable Hyungwon, something he himself loathed, and I was glad to hear his breathing even out after just a few more minutes. He must have been really tired, I concluded, filling the last jar with the retrieved oil.

“All done”, I sighed quietly, putting the fire out and closing the jars before carefully laying Hyungwon down on the ground and finally getting a proper glimpse at his face. I shook my head with a sad look. “What makes you hug me like that? Why are you doing this?”, I whispered with a swallow. “I can't believe this is what's hidden inside of you.”

I rose to my feet trying to keep my balance even though the headache was almost killing me by then. So this was all I could take. My limit was two weeks? I felt hot and cold at the same time as I stumbled through the room to have a look at the handful of flowers I had left to grow. You will definitely take them?

I sighed with my shaking hand reaching out for one of the tiny petals but froze after a moment. My eyes glanced back at Hyungwon's sleeping figure. Who will prev