In case you'd like a random song recommendation: You might want to listen to One Ok Rock "The Beginning" (it's fast paced though)

Chapter 34 – Hide&Seek

We came home to find Kihyun stirring a coffee in the kitchen, raising his voice without knowing that we were home. “Kyun! It's ready!” There were some quick steps before a door was opened upstairs and Changkyun came stomping down the stairs.

“Hi guys”, he muttered, pacing into the kitchen and back up the stairs again with the steaming coffee mug now in his hands.

I blinked in confusion while Minhyuk left me behind to walk up to Kihyun. “What's up, something wrong?”

The other sighed and rolled his eyes. “No big deal. Wonho came home and almost passed out on the sofa, we managed to get him upstairs and he's been sleeping for an hour now. He looks horrible and by horrible I mean like a ing zombie. I guess he didn't get any sleep last night.” He spotted me by the door and smiled warmly before turning towards Minhyuk again. “Kyun was worried beyond words but a bit of coffee will do the deed.”

Minhyuk nodded in understanding but frowned nonetheless. “But why did he stay out for so long?”

“I don't know a thing, he just stood in the doorway like-” Kihyun let his head fall down, pretending to fall asleep standing up and I snorted at the sight. Wonho was tired, now what? If he wasn't sick there was no need to worry.

But Minhyuk saw things a little different. “I'll have a look at him. Hyungwon, come with me”, he stated with a sigh and reached for my wrist as he passed by but I stiffened.

“Why?”

His fingers kept lingering on my skin and I began wondering why I didn't pull my hand away. All I did was stare at him with a frown until he shrugged. “You could leave me and I won't let that happen.” I groaned internally and weighed my options for a moment before letting myself being dragged along.

It was childish of Minhyuk to be this possessive of me. Still the thought of Yi-en's order crossed my mind, accompanied by his wish for me to return to his side. Yeah, right, like hell I would. I won't go back to him, so it's not like I can leave now anyway, I thought, It's an order. I have to stay just to please the higher-ups for the time being. But how to tell Minhyuk? I won't leave 'cuz I gotta spy on you, don't worry? Hell, no.

Suddenly, Minhyuk let go of my wrist as he stomped into Wonho's room and I felt goosebumps appear around the area. The air seemed to be freezing all of a sudden. “Where have you been all day, I was worried as !”, Minhyuk hollered and I stopped by the door frame with my arms crossed.

Wonho was sprawled out on his bed, slowly opening his eyes with a wholehearted yawn. Changkyun stepped back with the still steaming coffee in his hands when Minhyuk positioned himself right in front of the bed. “You're too loud”, Wonho muttered with a voice rough like sandpaper before lazily grabbing Minhyuk's wrist. He then pulled him down abruptly, making it impossible for the white-haired to keep his balance as he fell on the bed next to Wonho who snuggled up to him immediately. “Just five more minutes.”

I tensed up and kept watching when Minhyuk recovered from the shock. His body relaxed in just a matter of seconds, it looked so peaceful I could feel my heart clench. Wonho buried his face in the other's chest with a satisfied sound escaping his lips and my gaze stopped on his blonde hair for a moment until I could force myself to look away. I hated that everything, even the color, reminded me of Yi-en. I couldn't bear it.

“Your hands are cold”, I heard Wonho utter as he took Minhyuk's in his to warm them and I glanced at my wrist where the white-haired touched me before. His hand had been warm compared to mine, I didn't notice.

“You're such a kid. Five more minutes? Ha.” Hearing Minhyuk chuckle softly I closed my eyes and could almost imagine his slim fingers playing with the blonde hair in amusement. “But seriously, where have you been? You don't smell of alcohol, then what was it?”

“I'm not an alcoholic.” Wonho let out another quiet groan. “I had stuff to deal with, nothing too problematic. I didn't notice how time flew by and ended up getting almost no sleep for forty-eight hours. I'm just tired.”

“Where have you been all day?”

“I'm tired turtle, can't we just sleep first?” Yi-en intertwined his fingers with mine as we lay down on the way too small bed and I remember myself pouting in return.

“You're never there in the morning to talk though.” He looked at me with a fondness that made it impossible for me to stay mad and I broke our eye contact while chewing on my lower lip. “I just mean...”

“Give me ten minutes”, he whispered, already closing his eyes. “Ten minutes of rest and I'll be back on track and talk to you for however long you want me to.” He grabbed a handful of my shirt and buried his face in the crook of my neck.

I quickly opened my eyes just to find Wonho pull Minhyuk even closer like a stuffed animal and I couldn't bring myself to watch any longer, averting my gaze and walking back into the living room without a word. Wonho and Yi-en. They were just too similar though at the same time they couldn't be any more different, it didn't make sense.

“He's just playing pitiful”, Kihyun interrupted my thoughts once he caught sight of my dark expression and he crossed his arms while sitting on the sofa. “Minhyuk always falls for it.”

I clenched my teeth and took a seat on the sofa opposite to him, drawing my knees up. “You fall for a lot of things when you're too fond of people.” My opponent raised a brow and I cleared my throat. “As long as he gets his sleep he'll be fine, why make such a fuss?”

“My words, buddy.”

We fell silent and I made myself comfortable on my seat but I felt my gaze drift towards the clock on the wall a little bit too often. Five minutes passed. Then ten. My jaw was beginning to hurt from the pressure I put on it by clenching my teeth that whole time. Shouldn't they be coming down by now? I huffed. Why did I care? It was pure nonsense, so what if they were all cozy and cuddly upstairs, it had nothing to do with me. Maybe they had fallen asleep again. Ten minutes of rest and I'll be back on track.

I couldn't help it, I grew restless, wished I could still do the same as them somehow. Simply fall asleep with someone I trusted. Share such a connection. You did that once but where did it get you, huh? I swallowed and shot Kihyun a quick glance when I felt how I was getting angry for no reason.“There isn't anything to prepare for dinner, is there?” I had to get my mind off these things, there were more severe problems than social relationships. I needed to focus.

Kihyun looked up from the newspaper he had been reading with confusion visible on his face. “Uh, actually there is. You hungry?” I bit down on my tongue for a second.

“I need something to keep myself busy.”

The other male nodded and put the newspaper aside, drawing himself up and hobbling into the kitchen so I followed suit listening to what he had to say about today's dinner.

Once he had given me my task, we fell silent again.

Kihyun cut up the meat while I did my best to turn the vegetables into neat stripes but I kept spacing out and didn't get to finish everything by the time Kihyun was done with his part. The fact that I had something to focus on still didn't chase my thoughts away. Nothing worked. I still had to think about too many things. My mind kept showing me the image of Wonho and Minhyuk huddled up in the former's bed while at the same time reminding me of the factors that would determine my life from now on. Something just didn't sit right with me. The silence I got to experience without Minhyuk's loud and hyperactive nature attracted negative feelings. Fear. Doubt. Worry.

Guilt.

At the end of the day, even if I had promised myself to protect the Clan from everything less than twenty-four hours ago, I was the Clan's biggest enemy. I was a danger to the peacefully sleeping duo upstairs. I was a Chinese spy. I had been forgotten but now that the army had been reminded of me by Yi-en I didn't know how to keep everyone safe anymore. I simply couldn't guarantee it.

“I know that look.”

“Huh?” I raised my head with wide eyes to find Kihyun staring back at me.

“When I had just gotten here”, he mumbled while beginning to work on the vegetables with me, “my mind wouldn't stop replaying various images. Experiences I wished I hadn't made. Things you can't seem to get rid of. Did I do the right thing? Those kinds of thoughts.” You know the army but you don't know me. I suppressed a hiss and forced myself to stay quiet. You can't expect people to understand when you experienced a ridiculously big load of . It wasn't normal to be as pitiful as me. “So I had to fill my mind with other things. Keep myself busy. Focus on something else. And you know what? I started by cooking for everyone in the evening.”

My knife stilled, my heart skipping a beat but I forced my hand to keep moving after a second. “Oh, what a coincidence.” Coincidence? Be a bit more convincing. One slice after the other. And another one. And another one. They fell flat on the cutting board's surface like people do when you execute them. There was a time when I connected my job to everything I did, even the most trivial things. Looks like bad habits can't be left behind that easily.

“Then I started on cutting hair because, you know, you have to concentrate a lot there. I got good but I can tell you it wasn't actually helping – the whole 'being busy' stuff”, Kihyun continued, the blade of his knife hitting the board in an unchanging rhythm. “I always kept things for myself. If I didn't share them they'd disappear without ever being voiced, those were my thoughts until then. But one day, I broke down and talked about it with Changkyun. Then with Wonho. Then with all of them.”

His knife stopped and I finally noticed how I had unconsciously stared at him in shock for some time. He smiled when his eyes met mine. “I know you won't talk to me first, but don't let it devour you, whatever it is. Get yourself some support. You can do that here – everybody does.”

Easier said than done when you're trained to betray everybody before they can do the same to you.

I stilled, thought about having to betray the guys, maybe even kill them since they were the source of Delphinium. The simple thought of it made me shiver. I couldn't do that. I had struggled too much to know I could do it without failure. I had become weak, I couldn't allow myself an opening in my wall of defense but it just happened to be that way. Either way I was helpless.

I my lips, hoping Kihyun didn't see the struggle in my eyes. He had seen right through my state of mind. He, an outsider. What had I become that everybody could read me like an open book? I put my own knife down and took a step back, slowly. Then another