Chapter 60 - Trains of Thoughts

I couldn't believe what I had done to Minhyuk. What I had done to myself. What I had done to us. What had actually happened.

I woke up with a feeling of complete calmness at first but one of the reflexes that had remained from the army caused me to flinch for some reason. Something was off. I opened my eyes and looked around to find someone staring at me, hovering right above me. I registered Minhyuk's white hair and wanted to relax. It's just Minhyuk. Then, I thought about it again. How he was trapping my head between his arms. How I had no room to move. Wait. It's Minhyuk.

I stared back at him, my heartbeat and breathing accelerating. He leaned even closer and I could feel his breath on my skin. I suppressed a shiver. Why didn't I move? I was scared to death experiencing the helplessness from back when I had been with the general again. I was confused as as nobody had tried to be this close to me since Yi-en.

But I was even more confused by the fact that my mind wanted me to stay where I was. Don't move, it said, it's time to let these things go. Why did this whole situation not make me thrash around? All the other reactions were still there, I felt like dying yet I wanted to know what this would end up as. Why was I so curious?

Are you denying your own feelings again? I didn't know what that voice was talking about. You're just scared, admit it. Minhyuk glanced at me again through clouded eyes. I had never seen anything as hypnotizing – it made me want to stay, had me hold my breath. It's time to let the past be in the past. The voice was right. So what if I died from a heart attack? I couldn't deny how special Minhyuk was. Couldn't deny how his presence lifted my mood or his smile caused me to smile in return. It was scary but interesting enough to just stop and look back at him. Come on, close the gap, beckoned the voice.

But then his eyes showed me panic and he lay down by my side. I felt a weird sense of disappointment. Why had he stopped?

“Say that it's disgusting. Say that it's alright.”

I couldn't say these things. I couldn't talk about my opinion, I had never been allowed to before. But maybe I could do something about it instead. I could read Minhyuk like an open book, could see him struggle every day and now I wanted to know even more. I wanted to be more than just Chae Hyungwon. I wanted him to let go of any rules holding him back because he deserved freedom. Lee Minhyuk was the only person I didn't want to feel sorry for whatever he did. I couldn't allow him to drown in guilt.

I wanted to make him better.

I huffed at how he had tried to stop me then as though he was scared all of a sudden. And he had been, though not for him. He had been scared for me. This isn't good for you. I knew it wasn't.

The following twenty minutes had been a blur of memories until Minhyuk's voice dragged me back into reality. It was always Minhyuk to do such things. Yi-en had left me alone whenever these situations occurred not knowing what to do but Minhyuk tried. He put in a lot of effort just to get me back and I never found the right words to express all of my gratitude. And that's why I had given in that morning. Why I had allowed myself to give in to him.

The more time I spent with him, the more I felt myself depending on him. How weird.

I don't know if I can take this. It was my last defense mechanism. Out of dozens this was all that was left by now and it was the only truth I told myself. I didn't know what would happen to me if Minhyuk decided to leave. It was my biggest fear.

Was it wrong?

I wish it wasn't.

Then it wasn't.

But I needed proof that it really wasn't.

I looked ahead at Minhyuk. We had been to Seventeen's to say our goodbyes and were now on our way back home, awkward silence hanging between us. His back was tense and I could tell it wasn't just my presence but also the environment that made him this way.

We wouldn't walk on this path for a long time and we both felt nostalgic with me then thinking back to the first time I had been to Monsta X' house. I would be confused because of Wonho, angry because of Jooheon and somewhat happy because in the end they were still all doing their best to get along with me. And Minhyuk would always be there to explain things if there happened to be a misunderstanding. Or a panic attack.

I glanced into the street to my right, the one leading to the convenience store, and I could make out the small playground in the distance. The playground Minhyuk had found me at after I had killed the Clan and met Yi-en again.

A few streets further down to the left Shownu's uncle's shop had been located. Only burnt wood and stony ruins remained now but fire wasn't my only association with the place. I had first been dragged there when Minhyuk had decided that my outgrown blond hair was a fashion catastrophe. My partner-look-with-Yi-en blond hair. When Minhyuk had taken the first step to get me out of Yi-en's grasp without either of us knowing.

It has always been Minhyuk.

I swallowed, shook my head and continued to walk behind the white-haired in silence.

Silence can be really suffocating when there's too much left to say. It makes you think about your problems over and over again until you feel like you're about to explode. But with a panic attack mere hours in the past, I was too unstable to talk to anyone about it.

So I remained silent until we had to leave and did my best to ignore the pissed looks Wonho shot me whenever I was in his field of vision. Jooheon had brought a bigger backpack for me as the little bag I had borrowed from Wonho before was a bit, well, small considering we were basically running into a battlefield and had to pack lots of stuff. I grabbed the box I had hidden under my bed. Seven guns from the arsenal, two I had stolen at the radio tower, one taser, one jar of narcotic chemicals, a tiny bomb to blow up things of the scale of a door lock and two thumb drives with information on the army.

Talk about possessions mirroring their owner's personality.

I let out a deep sigh and put everything in the bag as well as a set of spare clothes before I made my way downstairs where everyone was looking around the living room with longing gazes. We'd all miss this place.

“Everyone ready?”, Shownu asked and we nodded. “Got your vials?”

Again the others nodded but I started with wide eyes only to be held back by Minhyuk grabbing my wrist. He raised his other hand to show me the vial labeled with my name. “Got you.”

The look we exchanged lasted longer than intended and I nodded before looking back at Shownu who took a deep breath. “Then let's go. Changkyun, lead the way.”

________________

“Are you really alright?”, Kihyun whispered next to me and I cleared my throat in a hurry when I was ripped out of my thoughts.

“Sure I am.”

“You've become a bad liar ever since you know who started living with us.”

“Have I?” I glanced at the shorter male who just raised a brow at my nervous reaction. My gaze then wandered towards Hyungwon who was being pestered by Changkyun several meters behind. The prior was smiling but didn't say anything like he had done it the whole day now.

“He won't hear us, Kyun is good at diverting attention”, Kihyun mumbled just when I looked up to find Hyungwon's eyes right on me.

“Not good enough”, I hissed and quickly faced forward again. The rhythmical sound of Kihyun's crutches against stone ground became the beat I adjusted my heart to. There was no need to get excited whenever I met gazes with Hyungwon. There was no need. There was no- , of course there was.

“I don't understand why the two of you keep ignoring each other. I'll be honest, I can smell your feelings two kilometers against the wind. It's alright for you to be together, why are you not by each other's side right now?”

“I don't know, okay?”, I snapped only to bite down on my bottom lip when I saw the surprised expression on Kihyun's face. “I'm sorry, I just... He has his own problems and he's had a panic attack in the morning-” Because we kissed. “-and I don't know what to do for him. If I don't know how to help him how can I be convinced that this is the right thing to do? He might suffer more if I'm around.”

Several seconds passed during which I faced forward and Kihyun tried to start his sentence thrice until he cleared his throat. “I expected you to deny your feelings to be very honest. Now I don't know what to say anymore, wow.” He fumbled with his words for a little longer before looking up at the sky. “Does he know? Like, did you tell him?”

I swallowed hard and buried my hands in my pockets. “Kind of.”

“Woah. You're courageous”, he replied with a short whistle. “Then it's just a matter of hours, days at most. He won't push you away, he's quite the same as you, believe me.” At least you can be sure of that, it seems, I thought while trying not to roll my eyes.

“Guys?”, Changkyun's voice called from behind but I didn't turn like everyone else, afraid of accidentally looking at Hyungwon again. Accidentally, yeah. “See the train tracks? It's only ten more minutes to the station now. Just follow the tracks until then.”

“Got it”, Shownu replied and went back to talking to Wonho with Jooheon quietly walking by their side.

Changkyun ran up to Kihyun and started telling him about all the things he wanted to see in Ulsan only to be scolded by the older for thinking of this as a sightseeing trip. The latter then glanced at me once more. “Remember my words. I'm sure of them.”

“Alright”, I mumbled to make him let go of that stupid topic and we walked for another ten minutes.

Changkyun had settled everything beforehand it seemed. As soon as we got to the station someone walked up to him and a few playful remarks were exchanged before we were led to a boxcar with slide doors. There were still forty-five minutes left until the train was supposed to leave and the others decided to take a walk and enjoy the thankfully good weather while I stayed behind to watch over their bags. I just didn't feel like walking around, leaning against a wooden box with a pile of blankets to my right. I didn't know for how long we would have to ride that train but once everyone settled in the boxcar it would be comfortable enough to spend hours there it seemed.

The slide doors had been left open to light up the spacious wagon and a shadow appeared when someone stepped inside. Probably another passenger, I thought looking at the handful of people sitting at the other end of the long room. The steps stopped next to me and I froze.

Please Subscribe to read the full chapter