Chapter 37 - Cold Hands

Thursday. I came to hate that day more and more. Not only did we have to talk to Exo in the evening but Yi-en also (finally?) decided to pay me a visit again.

The clock had just passed four in the afternoon and I was sitting behind the counter of the supermarket, waiting for anything to happen while thinking about practically everything. Bora being taken to the houses, the warm look in Minhyuk's eyes when he thanked me for speaking up for him the day before. Wonho's random disappearance without reason, hope that the Chinese army didn't find out about the flower and Minhyuk asking me for a hug. Yeah, that kind of random stuff.

I was just about to wonder how we'd face Exo later when the glass doors opened and I found an infamous person there. Now I couldn't say I was surprised; we could finally settle on a distinct time now instead of random visits of his. We would be discovered if he just randomly came by throughout the week and I didn't want others to think I was doing this for him.

“I'm back”, Yi-en stated the obvious, carefully scanning me from head to toe. “Sorry for taking so long.”

I took controlled breaths and swallowed, keeping the counter between the two of us on purpose. “Let's not talk like I missed you.” Hurt flashed in his eyes and I slowly clenched my fists. “You should never come by on Mondays or Wednesdays, there'll definitely be someone here at that time.”

“You sound a lot more relaxed now that it's our third encounter since...then.” Yi-en took a step towards me and I shot up from my seat, getting into fighting stance in the blink of an eye. He inhaled slowly through his clenched teeth. “Or not?”

“You gave me enough time to brace myself, nothing else”, I growled in reply, pressing my knuckles against the wooden counter to let out my overflowing energy. “Let's settle on a day.”

He his lips, not daring to look at me for the time being. “U-uhm, what day would be the best for you?”

You could just stay out of my life and never come back, how's that? “Sunday. Probably.” I had thought about when Minhyuk would come by to visit me and I noticed how he would rarely be there on that day. There was no real safe day but Sunday was the closest I could get to it.

Yi-en nodded. “Sunday it is.” I forced myself to relax when he scanned our products, obviously trying not to stare at me. His voice was nothing more than a whisper. “Anything of importance that has happened? Anything you need to tell me?”

I sat down, eyes pinned to the blonde with a burning fire of hate. This guy united everything I had come to hate: China, trust, blonde hair, the army... That thing that calls itself love. You disappoint me, son. Such a disgrace. I shook my head. There actually was a lot I had to tell him but of course he wouldn't want to talk about me. He wanted to know about things he could report to his higher-ups. But I had to make things sure first.

“I've got a question.” Yi-en frowned, unable to keep his eyes off me any longer and his gaze shot right through me. I swallowed and inhaled. “There might be some guy joining the spy forces. His name is Hoseok, he knows a tiny bit of Chinese. You know him? If you do, please help him survive. He's a friend of mine.”

“Turtle, are you asking me a favor right now?” Turtle.

I stiffened, pondering on whether or not I could stand a chance against him if I were to attack right now. You wouldn't. Of course I wouldn't. “Never mind.”

“No, no!” Yi-en quickly took a step towards me and I flinched, making him stop with a sound of frustration. “No, don't be like that. I'll look into it. Promise. What was his name? Hoseok?” I nodded, noticing how easy it was to manipulate him. He really did have a bad conscience and it felt wrong to use him like that but if I actually had to play the spy he would have to grant me a few favors. Life's a game of give and take after all.

I also knew I'd have to feed him random information every now and then, so I cleared my throat. “Thanks.” Thanks? I had planned on letting him bathe in negative feelings and now I was thanking him? But he's so desperate to get you back- off, random voice. “There's not much I can say yet”, I muttered quietly, ignoring how a big smile spread on his face after my simple 'thanks'. To think that this was the guy who'd tell me 'I have too much to lose' before leaving me only a few months ago. I couldn't use him in my life. “There are gangs in this area. A lot of them actually, but they're no threat at all, it's just kids who like hanging out”, I explained with a shrug. “I'll look into that more, it felt weird to me when I first saw it, but it should be fine. You can report that. No threat, just random gangs.”

He examined my poker face for a while longer, fiddling with a strap of his thick shirt's hood. “Gangs? Never a good sign but if you say there's nothing going on it will be okay”, he agreed and I hummed, hoping that my information hadn't been too vague. “I'll tell them so you should watch them for a little longer. Just to make sure. How did you find out?”

“Random encounter while I was wandering around”, I muttered with a nod before scanning my ex-boyfriend – yeah, that's what he was after all – from head to toe. I felt pity for him. Not because I was being so harsh on him, no, because his life, like mine, was just so much of a bad joke.

Yi-en was my puppet while I was his, both victims of lies. And yet neither of us could get out of that twisted situation because the army was the one who pulled the actual strings, who had our lives in their hands. We were soldiers, just two out of millions. This game was useless, why did we both still want to play it?

“Turtle?”

“I'm not gonna talk to you if you keep calling me that.”

Yi-en clenched his teeth, pain written all over his face. “But that's what you'll always be to me-”

“I'm tired of this. You should be glad I can't hurt you physically because of what we had”, I hissed, fighting the urge to give in to him. He didn't deserve me. “So grant me this one wish and just stop.”

I glanced at the clock on the counter, seeing how it was twenty past four. “Hyungwon?” I'd need to close the shop soon and then I'd have to go to the playground for our deal with Exo. I had to get rid of Yi-en before I said something suspicious about drugs... “Hyungwon.”

I stopped, staring at my opponent with wide eyes while his were lowered to the ground as though he felt bad for calling me by my name. Was it that hard on him? “How are your nightmares?”, he asked with a quiet voice.

Should I be mad? Hell yeah. Could I blame him? Not really. Did I want to talk to him about this? Oh, please, no. I my lips with a deep sigh and looked past him with an expression of indifference masking my inner turmoil. “As vivid as always. You're a part of them now.”

“Hyungwon, please I didn't-”

“Excuses won't help you. I'm as broken as I've always been. You couldn't mend me.”

He inhaled sharply as though I had punched him right in the face – which I couldn't, just to clear that up again. I couldn't hurt him physically. Sounds cheesy but it would have hurt me more than him. “I tried so hard.”

“Sometimes even your best is not enough.”

Heavy silence filled the air separating us and I swallowed, waiting for anything to happen. So it was him who was the first to move. “If that's...If that's all I'll go back now, okay? It takes two hours and I don't want to walk in the dark.”

“Still scared of ghosts?”

“The only person whose ghost I see won't come back to me.” Even my subtle verbal hits were actually being thrown back at me. You're haunting my dreams as well, he was trying to say, but I forced myself not to flinch, staring out of the window and observing his reflection in the glass instead.

“I don't have anything to say this Sunday. I'll see