Chapter 36 - All these 'What if's

Hyungwon had been quiet ever since Tuesday morning and I couldn't really blame him. He didn't know what happened so he couldn't talk about it. I knew what happened but every time I wanted to bring it up I felt like I couldn't say it either. His words were still ghosting through my mind whenever I saw him. Be my secret.

Great, I was supposed to keep Hyungwon's doings secret from Hyungwon? Not that easy when you see it like that, right? And I felt like telling sober Hyungwon would result in higher walls to break down. So we spent the days in silence until I plucked up the courage to talk to him on Wednesday to ask him to come along to Seventeen's hideout in the evening. It's not like there was anything to be awkward about, gosh, all he knew was that we had hugged, but it was still somewhat unsettling to be around him.

I survived the whole hour I had to wait until he locked the doors to the convenience store when I felt the need to say something, clutching at my backpack. “Is... Is everything alright?”

He had been tense all this time but I could tell by the way he froze that he thought I wouldn't notice. “Yeah, I'm just...thinking about a lot of things these days.”

I hummed when we started walking towards the tunnel system of the subway. “You want to voice those thoughts? Sometimes that helps.”

“Who said I needed help?” I shot him a glance, raising my brow and he buried his hands in his pockets with a growl. “I hate you.”

“Sure you do”, I retorted light-heartedly, kicking a stone down the street. “They say you should keep your friends close-”

“-and your enemies closer. Yeah, heard that before.”Again there was a certain tension in his voice that had me frown. It felt as though everything I said would remind him of something he didn't want to be reminded of. “But you're a friend. I'd let you know if you were my enemy”, he added with a quiet voice, causing me to smirk.

“Very kind of you, thanks.” He glared at me but didn't manage to keep our eye contact for more than two seconds, averting his eyes with clenched fists. “You're beating yourself up over what happened on Monday, don't you?”

His head snapped towards me. “Did I do anything problematic?”

The memory of his plump lips pressed against mine returned, causing me to swallow. “You didn't, I swear”, I insisted, raising my hands as if to surrender, “but I know how we woke up and I know that panicking gaze of yours. Nothing happened, we simply fell asleep like that.” I my lips, hoping for my statement to sound convincing to him. It wasn't nothing, but I was one of the last persons to freak out over a kiss. Initiated by Hyungwon. Without any reason. Yeah, no, I was totally not freaking out.

“Then why were we, you know...hugging?”, he whispered, obviously still mistrusting of my statement but I could only snort.

“First, there's nothing unusual about that. It's unbelievably comfortable to fall asleep like that and I swear it makes you sleep soundly. Second, I-” I swallowed again, looking at the pavement now. “Y-you said you were all alone in the world. That you were kind of jealous of the connection Wonho and I have. Th-that kind of stuff, so I thought maybe you could use a hug?” Oh, and you kissed me.

Hyungwon remained silent for a moment, frowning at the ground. “Jealous?”

“Yeah, I was confused since you didn't say much about it.” I kicked a pebble down the stairs to the subway, listening as it hit each step with a clunk. Should I ask him about his past? Or the kiss? Hell no, not the kiss, are you nuts? “And-” Hyungwon's steps faltered at my uncertain tone of voice and I could tell he was afraid he had said something I wasn't supposed to hear then, so I continued quickly. “You said your past came back. I asked which part of it but you just said... You just said 'all of it'.”

We walked through the last tunnel separating us from Seventeen and all the other gangs so it was rather dark around us but I could still see the struggle on Hyungwon's face. Nothing could hide that feeling of uneasiness he was giving off. “But you don't know what kind of past I was talking about?” I shook my head. “And you just accept it that way? You don't want to know?”

I'd like to know why you kissed me but you couldn't answer that either. “Of course I want to know”, I retorted after clearing my throat. Now was not the time to be thinking about random details. “I can't tell you how much. But I also know that asking won't get me any further. I offered to lend you an ear many times and it's still valid so I expect you to come to me instead of the other way round.”

Again he fell silent while I was balancing on the long forgotten rails. Just when I began to hear the busy mumbling of many people waiting at the station ahead I looked at him again while rummaging through my backpack. “It would be nice if I knew before you run away again though- ah, there.” I pulled out the book Hyungwon kept about the Clan and handed it to him. “You always have it with you so I thought you might want it today as well, so...yeah.” I picked up speed and quickly put on a blinding smile as I entered the big hall without waiting for his reaction.

________________

Nothing had changed about Minhyuk's mindset. I could still keep quiet about everything concerning myself and he wouldn't mind – as long as I didn't run away of course. He wouldn't ask questions. And that's what made me feel some kind of warmth spread in my chest as I stared at the book in my hand.

After all this time he still didn't know much but it was okay for him because he thought he understood. The longer he kept telling me that the more I felt like I could actually tell him some of all these damn things; though not everything of course. How weird would that be? 'Hi, I forgot to mention that I'm a Chinese spy and once I tell them about the drugs you'll all die within the next twenty-four hours, I guess', didn't sound that right to me. No, I definitely had to keep my secrets, this wasn't right.

I couldn't think any more about it as we had reached our destination, the place filled with about forty people, and I tightened my grasp on the book with a sigh. Let's check the attendance once everything is settled.

The crowd quieted down in a matter of seconds, their eyes pinned to Minhyuk who would always be standing in the spotlight with confidence. How did he manage to smile like that when he knew he was dealing with drugs that could be deadly? Especially now that he had to tell them there wouldn't be as much today. I feel safer when you're with me maybe? Me? A smirk tugged at the corners of my mouth but I was quick to erase it. Keep your together, where did your poker face go?

“I have an announcement to make”, Minhyuk spoke with a loud voice that echoed on and on through the tunnel behind me. Quiet whispers could be heard from the others, so I stepped closer to Minhyuk and he glanced back with relief flashing in his eyes before turning towards the crowd again. “Our main source is currently undergoing a relocation.”

I spotted Namjoon who listened with a frown, glancing at me as if I would explain him the reason for this decision. But why would I tell them that it was my fault? I let my gaze wander on, keeping my poker face. “Until we can be sure that the flowers can grow in their new home as well we will have to ration the Clan's consumption”, Minhyuk continued and the whispers got a little more agitated.

Seungcheol stepped up, his hand raised like you would do it at school. “So you're trying to tell us that we'll be getting less today?”

Minhyuk swallowed and now that I was standing closer to him I could see the way his fingers would twitch from time to time, indicating his nervousness. He took his time, inhaling deeply. “You'll get three-fourths of the usual amount. But you know the system of supply and demand. I'll still sell it for last week's price.”

That's when the first shouts of objection erupted. “You can't do that!” “You think it's easy for us to gain all this money?” “Must be nice for you who is looking down on us, huh?”

I didn't have to see Minhyuk's smile grow frustrated, I felt it in my own chest. They didn't understand any of this, they didn't know how hard it was to keep the flowers healthy and growing. The crowd was angry and I my lips, seeing how Minhyuk didn't know what more to say. I dragged him behind me by his backpack, giving him my book again to have free hands. I hated talking in front of people.

“Look, everyone, the thing is-” My voice didn't get through to them and I felt anger bubble up in the pit