~❀~✰~ღ Hate is not the first enemy of love. Fear is. It destroys the ability to trust. ღ~✰~❀~

Chapter 32 - We

I was back on the empty and quiet street again, walking for what seemed like eternity. Walking without a goal. The environment was calm but the sound of blood rushing in my ears caused an incredibly loud and never-ceasing noise. Why was everything I left behind coming back to me? I couldn't use things like that in my life.

My eyes wandered across the dark buildings and I buried my freezing hands in my pockets with a shiver. And once again I could only wonder: What would Yi-en choose to do? Would they come to kill me? Or would he keep me safe?

“I want you to come back to me at the very least.”

I stared at Yi-en's face, frozen to my spot like a statue. “What?”

“I came back for you. Tur-” I stiffened and he interrupted himself, averting his gaze because he was unable to hold the eye contact any longer. “Hyungwon. I changed, so please come back. And please let me call you turtle again. Otherwise it...it won't be the same.”

There you go, Hyungwon, your ex begs for you to come back, isn't that great? Yeah, it sounded good in my ears at first, but the more I thought about it, the more the memory of that day at my parents' house resurfaced. I had told them that I was happy with him, but they couldn't understand. And witnessing our conversation, Yi-en got scared and ran away.

He said he won't do it again, can't you see the regret on his face? My heart clenched. I didn't need to see it, I could hear it clearly. In the end, Yi-en had always been the one to look out for me in the past... Exactly, so now all you have to do is leave everyone else behind and- I took a deep breath, closing my eyes. He had cared for me in the past. The present and the future held other things for me.

“I don't want it to be the same. I changed as well”, I whispered, eyes on the ground and I shook my head. “This won't work.”

Yi-en's grasp on the helmet tightened when he got what I was saying and it took all of my self-restraint to stay away from him. I wouldn't run to him. “Hyungwon, if there is anything-”

“There's nothing you can do to change me back. I don't want to change anymore”, I interrupted him, taking several steps towards the main street. I wouldn't run to him.“I don't need you.”

I wouldn't- “You just cried when I was touching you, I know your trauma is still as vivid as before, you can't tell me you could overcome that on your own! You need me, Hyungwon. And I need you.”

“Doesn't this ring a bell with you?!”, I shouted in panic, feeling my emotions go haywire and he flinched. I couldn't control myself when he was around, the few minutes we had talked for already had me on edge. I had to get away from him. “It's because you aren't any better than that right now!”

“You don't mean that, you're confused, I understand, but-”

“If you know me so well then get out of my face and leave me alone.” I turned around, finally finding myself in the light of a streetlamp again and my body relaxed a little until I heard steps behind me. “Don't. Don't follow me or you'll end up like him. I can't take it. Go home.”

“You can't kill me.” Before I could pick up speed his voice had me halt again. “You remember what we said? Home is where the heart is. Your home is right here with me and mine is with you. You can't kill me.”

There, you heard it, he will still be your home! You wanted this, right? Then go back to him. It was this thought that confirmed my guess: I had gone mad, my mind wasn't reliable anymore. Yi-en would drop me again if his job was threatened or his father found out. He said he had changed but that couldn't be. Deep inside, we were both still running.

“They'll ask me where I've been once I get back to the base”, he continued quietly. “What should I tell them now?”

Goosebumps formed on my skin and I swallowed. “Now that's your problem, isn't it?”

“Then I'll tell them that I know your position.” I stayed quiet, staring at a lamp that was flickering in the distance. “But if they knew you deserted you'd be dead in no time.”

My throat went dry and I swallowed several times. “Do whatever you want. If it kills me, okay, I'll die. I'll take it.”

“You know I won't let you die, I promised. And we need you by my side.” We. There it was.

“Then lie like you always do and keep me alive. Shouldn't be much of a problem for you.”

The more I thought about it the more I agreed that I had made the right choice by leaving him behind.

Did he really want me to come back to him or did he want the army's turtle back in their rows? To him it would always be the same. To me it was worlds apart and that little pronoun had me make my decision. We. In his eyes I was the traumatized soldier and killer, his boyfriend as a side occupation, nothing else. I changed. Nothing had changed.

I had walked away then, left him in the side alley without another word and, much to my surprise, he listened and didn't follow me. You'd be dead in no time. Death scared me but I knew he wouldn't risk it because he knew I was too good to be sacrificed due to mere relationship difficulties.

You might be wondering now: Why does Hyungwon think it's all about the army, why can't it simply be true love? That's an easy one. I would never doubt that there was something he felt for me but I knew Yi-en a little bit too well. He might have loved me, yes, but he also thought about what was best for his country before making a decision for himself. Having me back was a win-win to him as long as nobody else found out about the relationship part. If I had gone back, it wouldn't have changed a thing.

We would both still have been cowards.

We would remain but we would be running.

So I walked away to run on my own.

________________

I had been searching for more than an hour, running through the pitch black streets like there was no tomorrow. “He can't have gotten that far”, I panted, my breath creating little white clouds in the chilly air before I focused on the dark alleys again. He had to be there somewhere.

“Minhyuk?”

I turned around to spot someone from BTS on the pavement. Namjoon, was it? “I don't have time, I'm currently looking for Hyungwon and-”

“Hyungwon?” He stopped for a moment before cocking his head to the side. “I thought I'd seen him earlier, somewhere around the convenience store he's working at.”

“The convenience store?”, I panted while already glancing around to find out in which direction it was and Namjoon pointed at a side alley.

“That way. Did something happen, you look worried?”

“It's n-nothing, we just lost each other. The cops were here and things got...messy.” He nodded in understanding and I bowed my head in a hurry. “Thank you very much, I appreciate every hint I can get!” I turned to leave and took a few steps before glancing back at him. “Really, thanks. See you on Wednesday?”

“No problem, glad to help. I was wondering why he was on his own and meeting you was a coincidence anyway, so, yeah. See you then.”

So I ran again.

It took me about twenty ing minutes of sprinting, gasping for breath and sprinting on again until I got close to one of the big crossroads near the shop. Take a right. Take a left. Straight ahead and- I slowed down when I saw the familiar sign of the store, my legs numb and aching at the same time due to the long run out in the cold. “Hyungwon?”

No reply could be heard and I sighed. So I'd have to look for myself. The lights of the store were turned off and I left it behind with the playground in mind. The gaming devices looked creepy in the dim yellow light of the streetlamps and I swallowed before stepping up to a small tunnel under the monkey bars. It was the darkest place where no light could ever reach, be it day or night. It was exactly where I'd find someone like Hyungwon.

“Hyungwon?”, I whispered again, trying to see but I couldn't be sure the lump I saw there was actually human until it spoke and my eyes accustomed to the darkness.

“You shouldn't have come.”

Was that even his voice? It was raspy and made him sound decades older than he was. Yet I felt relief flooding me. “Hyungwon, thank God, you're okay. I searched the entire city for you and-”

“You shouldn't have.”

I stopped, blinking into the darkness from which I was slowly beginning to make out the contours of his slender hands that were clutching at his head. He looked as though he was in pain. “What are you doing here?”

“Waiting for a chance to quit my job in the morning.”

I exhaled, rubbing my temples. He was going too far. “I swear I'll beat Jooheon up just for you. He was overreacting, things will be fine somehow as long as we are getting through this toge-”

“Don't say it. Don't.” Hyungwon turned his head away from me with a groan, loosening the grasp on it. “Stop making things seem fine.”

“They're not now but they will be. I can't say what will happen but we always find a way. This time won't be any different.”

“You're talking like you know every variable. How optimistic. How delusional.” He spat out those last words with a certain bitterness and it broke my heart. Yeah, sometimes all that's needed is a little bit of trust to make the impossible possible. But he still couldn't believe in things like trust for some reason. I thought we had made progress but now...

I swallowed. “Did you know the Chinese guys?” I could see how Hyungwon shivered. “Shownu said something about you being called turtle or something and I just thought-”

“How would I know?!”, he snapped with a quiet growl, a reaction that was completely over the top to me. “I don't know why they'd call me something like turtle, it makes no sense, okay? They're just stupid Chinese, they must have mixed things up.”

I closed my eyes, sitting down next to him with a sigh. “I know it was your nickname at some point, you told me the other day while you were high. I don't think this was a coincidence, so, what was it?”

Silence. Hyungwon drew his knees up and buried his face in them without another word. I listened to his quick and shallow breaths for a while until he spoke up. “I don't remember any of their faces. I was high. All I know is what I was told by Shownu and there isn't anything else needed for me to get the gist of all this: I killed the Clan.”