Chapter 16 - What you want, what you need

I withdrew from the others for the next days. Of course Minhyuk kept pestering me as always, but I tried not to let him get to me as much as before. The only times I was thrown off was when he came too close on purpose, resulting in a snap of mine and a surprised expression of his. I felt like I was on edge, bottling up my emotions after having shown them too openly for a week, and I couldn't bring myself to ignore the way Minhyuk would avert his eyes every time I shut him out. I hurt him.

When it was time to go to Seventeen's I thought about not going for a moment, but I was curious as to how the others were doing. Sounds like a paradox, right? I didn't want to get involved with anyone, but still went to check up on them. Well, I guess I wanted to make sure they hadn't died yet, because nobody deserves to die so soon. I had come along after a lot of pondering over it and was once more sitting on the wooden sofa with my book in my hand and repeatedly tapped the pencil against my lips without having spoken a single word with Minhyuk.

I knew this tactic would not last long though.

“Why?” There he goes.

I clenched my teeth for a moment but didn't let anything else show. “I don't know what-”

“Don't. Lie. Not again.” The white-haired male glanced at the crowd around the fire with a slightly pained expression before staring at me. “I'm no danger to you. I can't understand why you would shut us out like this, seeing how it ruins yourself.”

“I'm not ruining myself-”

“There you go again.” Minhyuk's sharp tone had me stop with an annoyed sigh. “There might have been other people in your life but we are not, I repeat, not abandoning anyone that easily.” I tightened my grip on the pencil when he kept going. “I told you you could trust me and nothing has changed about that. I'm not even pressuring you to tell us anything, I just don't want you to be a damn cold around me.”

My breaths were long and deep and my head snapped around to glare at him who would always be unfazed by it. “It's better that way.”

“Better for whom?”

“For me.”

“I don't believe you to be that selfish.”

“It's the way I have to be.”

“Liar.“

It's true. I my lips. “Then it's the best for you? If that's what you want to hear.“

“Explain why.“

I groaned and ran a hand through my hair. “It's so that you won't strain that brain of yours with things that don't concern you. Good enough?“

Minhyuk stayed quiet, drawing patterns on the wood with his finger and I forced myself not to say anything, holding my breath to keep my emotions in check. The white-haired then looked at me again. “I still don't believe you.”

Enough of this game. “Then don't!” I stood up with a yet unknown fire blazing in my eyes, shutting my book with a loud thump while the only sign of Minhyuk's surprise was his widened eyes. “Why should I even care the slightest if you believe me or not? Stop interfering with what is my business and just let me be!” The majority of the people around the fire hadn't noticed my outburst yet but I could make out worried glances from Namjoon and Seungcheol though I didn't really care what others thought of me at that moment.

It took Minhyuk a few seconds to get himself together with a deep breath and he stood up as well to dust off his pants with a face void of any emotion. “Let's go home.”

“That's all you've got to say? Let's go home?!”

“Yes, that's all. Let's go home. I'm done with your bull and I don't want you to make a scene in front of everybody.” Seeing his face proved that he was outright mad at me. Was I too harsh? I blinked to delete that thought and collected my stuff in a hurry to follow Minhyuk through the tunnels. He was facing forward, just as talkative as a wall of bricks and I was confused and glad at the same time, because he looked like he was being serious. He would stop asking questions? That would be good for me, right? On the other hand: Why would he do that all of a sudden after trying to break into my mind for so long? It's because he never cared about anything in the first place, Hyungwon. He was just playing with you, like everybody. I felt strangely disappointed. Yeah right, he was abandoning me after seeing how I wasn't willing to cooperate and I scolded myself for believing he might actually be serious about this whole trust . I'm alone. That's what I wanted after all. And I'll always be.

Things got weird.

I noticed how the others would start being more careful around me since they didn't know why I was suddenly behaving differently. Wonho flirted a little less, Jooheon completely stopped communicating with me and Shownu would talk with his eyes low as if he didn't know how to face me. Minhyuk had gone to Exo again without another word, precisely following his flow chart and the orphans weren't at home at that time either, striding through the city. All I could do was stare at the gray and rainy weather outside or work.

And work was boring as . It got to the point where I was wondering what was different from the week before. They were the same eight hours of work as always and yet they were annoyingly long because I knew how nobody would come by after work to pick me up. It was clear from the start but I didn't want to admit the reason. You didn't need other people before either, my mind scolded me. And slowly but surely I could feel myself grow numb again as if the world got its black and white filter back. It was a world in which only myself and the snow in winter were white while the rest was made of pitch black darkness. I can trust nobody, I am my own light. Those were the things I thought. The things that kept me going.

When Minhyuk got back on Friday I didn't fail to see the slightly darker circles around his wrists and neck; I didn't worry though, he had wanted this for himself. Sometimes what you want is not what you really need, but even then you have to deal with it and keep going. And sometimes what you need is not what you want at all, so I remained cold, didn't even properly look at anyone anymore. Minhyuk did the same with me – acting like I wasn't even there and as much as this was what I needed, I felt hollow.

Days and nights went by. Days of boring shifts at work, desperate avoidance of conversations and nights that were either sleepless or filled with nightmares. I felt horrible and it was getting worse with each day, but I still had to do it. I had to shut everybody out to be able to breathe again one day. Trust nobody and you will live. And I wanted to live.

It worked until Sunday.

We were just about to finish an early dinner when Minhyuk already stood up and Jooheon sent him a questioning gaze. “I'm meeting up with a friend from the eastern faction. Will be back early in the morning.” Neither Changkyun and Kihyun nor Shownu were at home at the moment, leaving me with the flirt and the aggressive one. Great setting.

“Who are you meeting?”, Wonho asked.

“Yoonho, why?”

“Oh, I miss that guy, haven't seen him in a while.” The blonde furrowed his eyebrows and glanced at Jooheon. “You never meet up though.”

Jooheon agreed. “Right, when was the last time you did? Five months ago? Why all of a sudden?” Even though I lowered my head immediately I could sense everybody's stares on me and I knew that the following silence was meant for me to notice.

“I just want to catch up concerning the situation at their place. No big deal.” Minhyuk walked into the corridor to put on his shoes and a thick jacket – it had gotten really cold over the past days – before turning towards us again. “Hyungwon? Want to come along? I'll introduce you.” I frowned, opened my mouth, closed it and then looked up with a blank expression all in the blink of an eye.

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