Chapter 33 – What they don't know won't hurt me

“I'm making a mistake”, I muttered as I filled up the racks of the convenience store as though nothing was wrong when everything was. “A horrible mistake.”

I had sneaked out of Monsta X' house as soon as I woke up, leaving Minhyuk who had been sleeping soundly behind. I couldn't believe I actually let him stay for the night. I couldn't believe I let him get this close to me. I couldn't believe he ignored all the warning signs I pointed out to him. And I couldn't believe this would end well. It was one thing that I was allowed to stay with them but I knew it would be better if we parted ways. “Depending on the outcome it will either be Sangwon or Yi-en all over again”, I breathed quietly. “And yet I just...can't leave.”

Does it hurt so much to have someone touch you? Why had I replied to that? I prayed he hadn't heard what I had said. He would read into it and I'd become more vulnerable. And once again I began wondering if Minhyuk could be different from the people of my past, if I could make him an exception. It would be so easy, he made it look easy.

The last time you made an exception you were left without a heart, I reminded myself with a sigh, walking back to the checkout counter to scan some older man's products.

“Thank you, young man, have a nice day.”

“Yeah, you too.”

A nice day... Three hours. I had left the house three hours ago without a clue of how I was going to decide whether to stay or not and I still didn't know what Wonho, Kihyun and Changkyun thought about our ordeal. Nice day, my . Neither of them had come home the day before and I cursed at myself for worrying if they were alright. I mean, my life would go on, with or without them. But imagine how sad Minhyuk would be if something were to happen to them. And you know you'd miss them as well.

There. These thoughts had been infiltrating my mind for the past twenty-four hours and I was going insane. It wasn't like me to put others first. Every time I did something bad happened, which is why I hated to admit that all of Monsta X had grown dear to me and I didn't even want to leave anymore. I hated that my life was depending on Yi-en once again. I had to hope he hadn't tattled when he got back to the base because suddenly getting killed wasn't my first choice anymore. I had other things than myself to worry about, six in number, and I wanted to make sure the Clan wouldn't be endangered any more – neither by me nor others. I had to find a way. I had to live.

Another hour passed and I went through every possible scenario I could think of in my head. Only one and a half hours more and I'd be allowed to go wherever I wanted to go. And I wanted to go back to the house of Monsta X. I wanted to apologize to everyone for the troubles I had caused. I tried to believe Minhyuk's words: Things would get better, there had to be a way. If we lost the drug cellar we'd rebuild it somewhere else. All we had to do was survive and I was a master at that. I had always been the one to survive. But I had to change things up a bit.

The tiny bell attached to the door rang and I looked up – it was none other than Minhyuk who sighed in relief as soon as his gaze met mine. “I was scared”, he panted, catching for breath as though he had run a marathon, his head showing a bright read color. I was afraid of losing my dear friend today.

I swallowed the weird feeling that was threatening to form a lump in my throat and lowered my head. “You're persistent.”

“Seems like I have to be”, he replied with a shrug, jumping on the counter to let his feet dangle like he always did while I distanced myself by checking the racks – an unnecessary action considering that there had been almost no customers that day but he wouldn't know. “Hyungwon, are you running away from me?”

Maybe. “Can you promise me something?”

“Anything if you stop trying to hide in exchange.”

I froze, chewing on the inside of my cheek before sighing. “I want you to give me back the space you are invading on a frequent basis”, I mumbled while shooting him a glance, “That way I might stay.” Give me a chance not to get too attached.

I could see him furrow his brows from the corner of my eye. “Space...? Oh, you mean last night? I was regretting it as soon as I woke up in your bed. I-I wanted to ask you to forgive me for that anyway, I...”, Minhyuk's eyes lit up for a moment as though an idea had struck his mind. “Someone once told me one could sleep better if he slept next to someone else.” I flinched. “I just thought I should give it a shot.”

“You can't sleep? Come here, let's sleep together and chase each other's nightmares away.”

“Why should that work? If I can't even get rid of my own ones...”

“Silly turtle. Nobody can ever protect themselves, you need someone else to do that for you. I'll do it for you, will you for me?”

“That's a myth”, I retorted with a slight crack to my voice. “Nothing but a lie.”

“Nah, I'm sure you believe it too”, Minhyuk insisted with a pout as he watched me take deep breaths. “You told me after all.”

I did? Goddammit, Hyungwon. Once again I could have punched myself for having given in to that devilish drug from hell. It would mean less temporary happiness but at least I would still be in control of my utterances. “I must have been out of my mind.”

“I'm afraid it's exactly those moments you are the most sane.”

“That doesn't make sense.”

“Do you?” I couldn't hold it back, I had to chuckle involuntarily. This was Minhyuk as I had been introduced to him: full of mysterious and ambiguous questions that had you thinking. That made you think about everything but the things weighing you down. His expression brightened a little and he began drawing patterns on the counter's surface. “No, but seriously, I don't usually sleep well but last night I did. Thank you and sorry again.”

I my lips and stared at the cans of finished products in front of me. “You should get someone else to sleep with then. Like Wonho, he should be fine with that. I can't keep this up.”

“Are you angry at me?”

A huff escaped my lips before I could hold it back and I raised my head again to look at him. “I'm not.” I'm angry at myself.

“Good”, he sighed with a smile and then furrowed his brows. “Speaking of Wonho, you haven't, by any chance, seen him this morning?” He knew when to let go of a topic, doing exactly what I had asked of him: He gave me the space I wanted. I pursed my lips, shaking my head.

“Looks like he didn't come home yesterday.”

“That's weird.” Minhyuk ran his teeth over his bottom lip. “He always comes home, no matter how drunk and no matter how long he has been out. He's always there in the morning.”

“Well, he most definitely didn't come by. Maybe he's with Kihyun and Changkyun?”

“Curious. Very curious. He doesn't go to visit the orphanage if he didn't ask them beforehand.” I didn't think Wonho to be someone to ask for permission but it really did seem like Minhyuk was concerned and telling the truth. Curious indeed.

“He must come tonight though, it's Monday and-” I interrupted myself and swallowed hard. “There will be...stuff this evening, right?”

Minhyuk shot me a reassuring glance. “I don't think we should halt all of our activities just because you showed them one of the flowers. It's like I said before, maybe they don't read into it that much. And you're right, Wonho has to come. He doesn't change in behavior, with or without drugs, but if he misses out on a dose he begins to tremble without any chance for control after a few days and he'll get feverish. Not a nice view.”

I raised a brow at him. “Do you know what you are like when you haven't had enough?”

He shrugged. “Nobody ever tells me and you know I don't remember. I can only imagine. I know I get a severe headache, so, maybe it's like Seungcheol...?”

“Seungcheol?”

Minhyuk clenched his teeth and breathed in with a hiss. “Well, he's losing his energy. His body can't keep going without the extra push the drug gives him, so he gets slower. Speaks less. Sleeps all the time. It's a state of apparent death.”

I thought about the various types of reactions to the lack of the drug I had observed with BTS. Yoongi. He had been the same and I nodded in understanding. “It's not quite like that with you though”, I mumbled absentmindedly. You scream and kick and have your memories revived.

“Then what am I like?”

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