Chapter 62 - Coward

Minhyuk told me that the others were out to look around the city and would come to collect him sooner or later since he hadn't been very talkative or motivated to do anything, which is why all we could do was walk up and down the same hundred meters of beach as I told him what had happened. I told him about the weird and energetic Eric, Amy Lee who had been so business oriented and of course the American guy who had been so damn intimidating. I could tell from Minhyuk's glances that he was worried about me and my trauma concerning generals and army superiors in general but I didn't give him a chance to ask and then the topic passed anyway.

After a few more minutes, silence spread between the two of us though not an uncomfortable one and we sat down near where Minhyuk had stood when I had found him, a feeling of calmness and relaxation washing over me as I placed my bag to my right. It wasn't like there was nothing to deal with anymore but I had just taken a tall hurdle and was now simply relieved. So what if the next problem comes, I thought as I glanced to the side to find Minhyuk staring at the wide sea in front of us.

“You're so different from yesterday”, he mumbled as though he felt my gaze on him and I flinched chewing on my bottom lip but didn't look away.

“Different?”

“Just look at you”, he replied turning his head towards me and glancing at the little space of maybe twenty centimeters separating our bodies. “You're never this close unless we are sleeping and you can't control that then. You're staring. You talked about what happened without me having to ask. You're so...talkative all of a sudden.”

My mouth was ajar but I couldn't find any words to reply. Now that he mentioned it I could tell he was right and I directed my gaze towards the sea as if it would tell me what to do. “I- I didn't really notice. Sorry, it...it might have been annoying, I'm sure it was, right?” What are you getting nervous for?

“I like it.” His voice was calm and I could hear a warm smile in it that made me shut up on the spot. He would never say it even if it were annoying. A sudden wave of coolness caused me to shiver but it was gone the next moment. Must have been the wind. “I'm going to lean against your shoulder, don't jump up or my neck might snap.”

“Uh, why-” The weight of his head was added to my left shoulder and I cleared my throat to suppress any sounds like shrieks or the like. Then I made sure to control my breathing. It would be fine. We had done worse. That sounds wrong but you know what I mean.

“See? You've changed”, Minhyuk stated triumphantly as though he had just proven me wrong. “Look, I don't know what we are or what you think of me right now but I'm just so glad you've gotten better to this extent. I don't know what happened yesterday either but it has done things to you and those things are good, so don't go back now. Just promise me that you will be in control of yourself like this instead of letting yourself be controlled by memories. You don't need them.”

That was direct. I swallowed hard. I don't know what we are. Did I look like I knew? Because I certainly didn't, I couldn't say it even if I knew anyway. “We don't need to know”, I mumbled in reply while resting my chin on the palm of my hand. “Isn't it funny how you are the one telling me to forget after you tried so hard to make me keep all of my memories at the beginning?”

“I didn't tell you to forget, I want you to put them to rest. They don't need to be present twenty-four seven.”

I fell silent. Of course I knew that I was thinking too much about everything. Of course I knew that things that were long in the past should be put to rest. But knowing something and doing something against it were two entirely different things. And who was he to be ordering me around?

Now hold up and take that last part back, I scolded myself in silence, he is the only one allowed to order you around in the first place. My brain acted as though it were oblivious to everything wrong with these thoughts but I was only half as shocked about it as I should have been. I wouldn't take another disappointment while at the same time, I wanted to know how things would play out.

Was I going mad? Yes, probably. But with every day, with every new thing I got to know about Minhyuk I got more curious. Was that normal? Definitely not. You would think I had become more intelligent after falling victim to and being left by my first actual love but it didn't look like it. Same old stupid me but looking at Minhyuk I couldn't complain.

I wouldn't admit all these things to him though and watched him stand up and stretch his back in silence instead. Not yet and not any time soon. Maybe one day.

“Oh, Wonho! Shownu! Over here!”, Minhyuk exclaimed all of a sudden as he started waving enthusiastically and I flinched before turning around to see the two of them walk towards us. Their eyes landed on me and they stopped for a second only to pick up speed a moment later. Shownu pulled me to my feet before anyone else could react and Minhyuk's smile wavered.

“You're sitting here like nothing's wrong”, he snorted in disbelief and I was about to say something when Wonho of all people interfered by putting a hand on the elder's shoulder.

“He just did what he deemed best, I can't say I didn't do the same. Accept it.”

“Still”, Shownu insisted with his eyes on me and I my lips as I bowed my head, “you made us worry. Neither of us could really sleep so you'd better tell us everything went well instead of just sitting here with that kid and talking about whatever.”

Minhyuk puffed up his cheeks upon being called a kid and he pulled me away from Shownu by the hood of my shirt. “How would he have found you guys, you were all over the place anyway. Let it go, listen to the kid.”

I blinked a few times and cleared my throat as I wasn't used to people defending me in my stead. “You're not mad about the fact that I was a Chinese spy?”

“I was shocked but Wonho told me about this and that and I don't think I have the right to get angry at that part. You just go and apologize for making me worry and we're okay.”

What a surprise. A few more seconds of silence that was only interrupted by the crashing waves of the sea until I fell to my knees without thinking twice. “Sorry for making you worry. I didn't mean to but it was for everyone's best.”

“Wow, you're extra”, Shownu huffed in reply as he turned away and buried his hands in his pockets. “Whatever. Let's go to our tent, some creepy guy in uniform told me to gather my friends for some sort of examination.”

I glanced at Minhyuk who must have had the same idea and we said it at the same time. “Skills inspection.”

“Yeah, that might be it. Why, you know something else you didn't tell us? More secrets?” I could tell Shownu was angry but he couldn't blame me either so he just focused on asking annoyed questions, it was somewhat cute.

“I only heard about that before I got released. I've got something to give to that guy”, I explained while patting my backpack and neither of the two questioned what I was referring to, so we walked in silence, Wonho and Shownu at the front and me and Minhyuk shortly behind.

The remaining three were standing in a row next to the tall uniformed guy, eyes uncertain when we approached them and they spotted me. Kihyun wanted to move, preparing to lean on his crutches but a glance of the American had him stop and simply look at me in silence as Changkyun wrapped a hand around his arm. I could see sympathy and understanding, only Jooheon averting his eyes when I let mine stray towards him.

I rummaged around in my bag while Minhyuk, Shownu and Wonho lined up as well and the uniformed guy looked at the paper I handed him with a frown before nodding. “Alright, everybody there now?” I nodded and he motioned us to follow him, leading us to a rather far-away building – we walked for about fifteen minutes in absolute silence, I could feel Monsta X' stares on me.

In the spacious hall we arrived at, there were lots and lots of people practicing combat techniques, the right hand wall displayed shooting targets and I could see a variety of weapons at the far back. It felt like when I had first been recruited and I got all churned up inside while simultaneously feeling myself shut down my emotions. I got dizzy, vision blurry but it was all gone by the time I shook my and focused on my task. Whatever this dizziness was, it didn't keep me from the weird mode I could always slip into when confronted with the army.

Spy mode.

After filling out some forms concerning our identities, we were told to sit and wait for our name to be called. Wonho was first, then Shownu. I watched as they were given tasks, attacked by more Americans, shooting targets, exhausting themselves and my mind started analyzing their every move, their stance, everything.

“Attacking first in combat leaves you without much defense”, I mumbled to myself when Wonho took a bunch of quick steps around his current enemy. You could see he had received at least basic combat training during his short time as a 'spy'. “Circling the enemy is always a good idea.” Shownu was shooting at that time and I narrowed my eyes at his stance. “Don't shoot with one eye, you'll lose your feeling for distance and depth. Stabilize your gun-hand with the other one for more precise shooting.”

Kihyun was called and I watched him get to his feet, supporting his weight with his crutches. Was it a good idea to have a handicapped person participate? He seemed to notice my stare and gave me a reassuring smile. “I listened to your mumbling, I'll be fine.” Not a single comment on me being a spy or hiding guns from them. Not an ounce of judgment. I looked to my right to witness as Changkyun scooted closer.

“What did you mumble? Mumble it again, I need help.”

An amused snort escaped my lips and I cleared my throat when I noticed Minhyuk, sitting left of me, had leaned closer as well. It was like they didn't see anything wrong about the fact that I could have betrayed them all this time. They were all so...naive? No, positive. I my lips and stuttered for a while before repeating myself and pointing at people here and there. This stance is good, there you should be more defensive, make sure to be on your guard in this and that situation. I couldn't say it all until Jooheon and Changkyun were told to stand up, Minhyuk following soon after.

It was only me now. Those who were done with their examination had to wait for results near their inspectors, which is why neither Wonho nor anyone else had come back to the small bank I was sitting on. I resisted the urge to jump up whenever Minhyuk received a punch due to lacking defense. He had said he fought back in school but what good did that do if he was up against a trained s