Chapter 50 - Rules and Prohibitions

I never thought Hyungwon would tell me any of this, especially not now that I knew what had been hiding. I pitied him, felt the urge to wipe those tears from his face, wanted to cling to him forever...But now that I understood I loosened my grip on his hands and stepped away to look at his reddened eyes. “You really did bottle up too much”, I whispered with the hint of a smile. “Don't do that anymore, will you?”

I could see him swallow, tilting his head upwards to suppress another wave of tears with a sneer. “Let's just say I bottle up enough for the two of us so you won't have to do that, okay? I'm fine, don't look at me like that.”

“I-uh, alright. Just don't make yourself suffer for someone else to feel better from now on or I'll come and hug this trauma out of you, got it?”

“That's not that bad of an idea if you ask me”, Hyungwon mentioned with a raised brow. “But I doubt I'll ever completely get over this. I'm but a tool that- don't speak, I know what you're going to say.” He put his hand over my slightly opened mouth with a sad smile on his lips. “Being used is okay. Going out of one's way to make others happy is okay.”

“Throwing away your life isn't”, I mumbled through his fingers and he huffed, chewing on the insides of his cheeks.

“Fine, I won't throw it away anymore. Is that what you want to hear?”

I narrowed my eyes at him, pursing my lips. “For no one.”

“Minhyuk, if I can save many lives just by sacri-”

“For no one.”

He broke off and pressed his lips together, staring at me for several seconds until he finally averted his eyes with a whisper. “For no one.”

I nodded, satisfied with his compliance, and sat down on the sofa. “You shouldn't be so stubborn, you know?”

“I'd like to tell you the same”, Hyungwon retorted, still standing where I had let go of him and I glanced at him as he lowered his gaze on his hands, inspecting them as though he was looking for something. I reached out for our radio, stopping when he muttered on. “But where would I be now if you weren't this bullheaded?”

He looked at me with troubled eyes, probably not quite knowing what more to say and I leaned back again. “I guess you need some silence for yourself, huh? I'll just be reading here, Jooheon brought me a book last week and I didn't get the chance to look into it yet, so, uh, I won't bother you or anything.”

“I didn't want you to- You know, I-” Hyungwon his lips, clenching and unclenching his fist while searching for the right words. “I think I didn't make this clear before but I'm...I'm glad things ended up the way they are now, I... Thank you for all your efforts, Minhyuk. I'll...I'll be upstairs for a while but just come in if there's something bothering you or the like, okay? I...Really, thanks.”

My heart filled with warmth and an honest and relieved smile appeared on my face when he slowly turned to go to his room. “Always there for you.”

He nodded to himself, burying his hands in his pockets with a sigh. “Always. Right.”

I didn't get to see him again until late in the afternoon when I made myself some cornflakes due to lack of real hunger. He glanced at the serving in my hand, went into the kitchen and came back with another bowl and spoon, settling at the table to join me. “Is...Is there anything new? Nobody came home, right?”, he asked quietly, eyes locked on his hands.

I shrugged, trying to be oblivious to his red eyes. “There was nobody here, so I listened to the radio. That one station you raided? They talk about some interesting stuff every now and then, I'm surprised the army didn't go and take its tower back yet. All the other channels are still Chinese only.”

Hyungwon tapped the spoon against his lips with a frown. “I guess China has other stuff to take care of first. I wonder if America attacked already...”

A shiver shook my body and I swallowed hard. “You mean we could already be at war with them?”

He took a deep breath, pressing his lips together before answering. “The world advances without you noticing most of the time. I believe it's possible. But even if that was the case-” Hyungwon looked at me with eyes that were no longer panic stricken as they had been a few hours before but certain and serious. “-I'd make sure everybody's safe before anything else. Don't be scared or anything, you've got me for your shield.”

I let out a nervous chuckle. “Sounds like something Chae Hyungwon would never have said before. You make it sound as though it were this easy.”

“It is if you have the right methods available.” I left it at that. Hyungwon had that habit of talking around a topic until you forgot about what you originally wanted to know and I wouldn't make his strategy fail. It wasn't important what he'd do, it was important that he would still do it for us as in Monsta X. He wanted to protect us.

I drank the rest of my milk and wiped my mouth. “You seem to be all better. You're okay now?”

His spoon stilled in mid-air for a split second before he kept eating with a slow nod. “I will be once I have my dose tomorrow. I'm still pretty tense and I know there's no reason to be but I can't seem to relax. I'll get some sleep, take my drugs and be alright by tomorrow evening. Don't worry.”

I'm more worried that you consider Delphinium your medicine, I thought, crossing my arms in front of my chest. I didn't like that mindset. “Wonho should be there tomorrow, right? I might go to that orphanage with him, I want to know how Kihyun and Changkyun are doing. Or do you know the location?”

“I'll do that”, I replied with a firm nod. “I know the location and it's been a while since I've visited that place. I want to go there, I leave it to you whether you come along or stay here but there's no third option.”

He blinked with something like disbelief in his eyes before a huff escaped his lips. “Look, you wouldn't have had anything to do at Jooheon's place, you can't still be bitter.”

“So what if I am? It won't change a thing about your options.”

“Fine, I'll play along. I'll stay here like you had to today. I won't go anywhere and you talk to the orphans, alright?”

I hadn't expected him to give in that easily and was taken aback for a few seconds. Part of me had wanted him to come along but if he decided to stay home on his own he would have his reasons. I nodded. “It's all set then. When will you knock yourself out?”

“I'm one of those people who always want to stick to their schedule, so I'll have my drugs tomorrow, hopefully in the afternoon”, Hyungwon replied, smiling at the expression of knocking himself out. “I'll try to sleep somehow though it won't be fun, I guess.”

I swallowed and emptied my bowl of cornflakes. “I...You won't want my company, right?”

He averted his eyes, poking at his cornflakes with the spoon. “Better not. I don't feel like it would help right now.”

“Okay, no problem”, I said with a reassuring smile, “and if there's a problem or you change your mind just wake me up, yeah? No crying alone in the dark.”

“I'm not one to cry that easily-” He stopped himself, realizing that he already did cry in front of me mere hours ago with a sigh. “Sure.”

“That's a good boy”, I grinned, reaching out to pat his head without thinking twice. He flinched but didn't show any other reaction and I pretended not to see his discomfort. Treating him with too much caution wouldn't help him get over it but I didn't want to push him either so I left it at that, walking into the kitchen and back.

His eyes were on me even when I went back to reading Jooheon's book – a thriller, in case you're interested – and it made me somewhat uncomfortable, so I glanced up after some time. “You aren't disgusted by me.”

I furrowed my brows, lowering the book. “Why should I be?”

“I didn't exactly tell you nice things about myself.”

“I pity you but I'm not disgusted. You had no choice”, I replied casually, cocking my head to the side, “Is that what you think of yourself? Why you don't think you're worth a thing?” Every sentence of mine caused him to shrink a bit more, turning him into a helpless kid. I could almost see what he must have been like those four years ago. “Don't push yourself down to that level. 'Disgusting' is not a word you use to describe yourself.”

“You're prohibiting a lot of things today”, Hyungwon mumbled, causing me to sigh.

“I can't let you live with that mindset. I'll do anything to make sure you don't treat yourself like a piece of anymore. I say this discussion is now over.”

________________

Of course it had to be a maze again. Corner after corner. Alley after alley. I was panting, running through the maze to get rid of the voices following me. Yi-en, my father, the instructor and even Sangwon – they were all there, calling my name. My lungs felt like they were about to burst and I halted for a moment, just a moment, when fingers wrapped around my wrist, pinning me to the wall in a second.

Every dream was the same. I'd get caught, fall into a dark abyss, then wake up from shock. Let's get this over with, I thought, raising my head to look at the instructor or the image I had left in my memories. He came too close, my breath quickening by reflex. “You know you can't escape”, he whispered into my ear and I winced when his free hand cupped my face in a way so gentle he could never have done it in real life.

The wall behind me crumbled and I fell to the ground with the second person straddling my hips. They had changed faces, it was Yi-en staring back at me with his big eyes now. “What do you still want here?”, I huffed with a raised eyebrow though I got my hackles up anyway. “You never deserved my love. I've got nothing to say to you anymore.”

He pouted, hands on my chest so that I found it somewhat hard to breathe. “I loved you, turtle, you can't do this to me-”

“No, you can't do this to me”, I hissed, throwing him off of me in one swift movement. “My biggest mistake was to let you control me.” I stood right above him, fists clenched as I took a moment to look elsewhere.

“I never controlled you”, Sangwon's v